Lost1

Kath- Thank you for your guidance. I strive everyday to keep memories alive but they are still very raw for me. It saddens me to think that when I recall memories of my Mother, that I become so sad. I want them to cherish the moments we have making "Grammie's Famous Mac and Cheese" but my heart is still so heavy. For them I want to move on, along with doing for myself. I want to be able to smile when I think of her but I still feel so sad and guilty about so many things. I want to be out of this stage of grief....can you tell I am not a patient person? I want to heal and not forget. I want to feel the warm feeling inside that I felt when I thought of my Mother. My extended family has just begun to talk about good times; it will be a year in July. During these times I do try to participate but it is tough. We have celebrated her birthday and wedding anniversary but I still feel empty. Any chance we get we celebrate her. I have become very active in "cancer causes". I have included family members and my children. Still with all of the "love and support" I am trying to send out into the world, I am still lost and full of questions. Is there a balance and will it come? I have tried reading books, writing, traveling, and talking with friends that have lost parents, etc. but have not found a way to work through my issues. I am hoping going to a counselor will help along with this on-line discussion groups. Thank you for supporting me and sharing! Lost1

Ron, Thank you for your response. Your post made me think about what I was feeling the guilt over. Did I not spend enough time with my Mother? Did I not say "I love you" enough? Did she know how much I loved her? I moved my family to live near her in order to spend time with her, but was it in time? So many questions I feel that are unanswered. Did I do enough? I also feel guilt about the process at the end. I was instructed to medicate her to keep her in a calm. I wanted her to be able to speak and be active towards the end. Did the medication limit that? Did I not allow her to say her "good-bye's"? I have too many things to resolve and I hope this is apart of the grieving process. I have sought out a counsler for help. I am hoping to get through this phase soon Do I feel that I have manifested my guilt? Maybe, but I need to resolve the emotions tied to it. I need to make sure that I was not neglectful. I struggle with not knowing that I did enough or the right thing at the right time. I felt this way before she passed and now it is just magnified. Thank you for your guidance, Lost1

In the grieving process, I understand that guilt is a part of the healing. How can you heal if you can not get past the guilt? Guilt of not being there enough. Guilt over not saying enough. Guilt over my children not getting to know their Grandmother as much as I got to know mine. Guilt over so much more! I have spent time alone, granting myself time to forgive myself but it is not working. I feel so lost in this stage and do not know what to do. I cry and dwell on the guilt. Any suggestions on how to get over this stage? Will I ebb and flow in and out of this stage?