missyme

I haven't posted for a long time and I wish I had been on sooner to see your post. I lost my brother suddenly too and it is a unique grief to lose a sibling. I heard someone say "it doesn't get easier, you just get better at dealing with it". I think that's true. Hang in there.

I have been absent from this forum for a while. After the first terrible year without my brother I kind of took a break from my grief work. Just recently I realized that I have been avoiding really feeling the sadness around my loss and I don't think that's very healthy. Thanksgiving this year was terribly difficult for me. I hate thinking of my family getting together for holidays without my brother John. For the past month I feel the loss as though it is fresh again, getting tears in my eyes just thinking of my nephew being without his Dad for Christmas and my Mom being without her son. I still hate hate hate hate that this happened to my brother, to me, to my family - My brother died from a prescription medication overdose. I don't think he had any idea that he would die from his addictions. I get so angry thinking about our childhood and the pain my brother was trying to avoid. I guess I want advice about how to "work" on my grief....is it just letting the tears come? is it talking about John more? Is there any such thing as "healing" from a loss like this??????

I am having such a hard time with the holidays. My Mom is here to visit for the holidays and she is not doing well at all. I find myself being MAD at everyone instead of thinking about what I have lost and how sad I am. This is my first Christmas of my life without my brother Johnny. Today my Grandma called and shared how difficult it would be to go to Christmas Eve dinner without him there. The irony is my brother went every year to see HER saying "we don't know if she'll be here for next Christmas"...we never imagined it would be him we would be missing. I still hate that my brother died.............and I hate that I avoid my pain by being mad and irritable.

I too am a female who lost her brother. My brother was older but he was the middle child and very much "cared for" by my other brother and I. I alternate between wanting to ignore this whole grieving process all together and really REALLY needing to talk to someone about what happened. I have only one friend that I can truly talk to about this. Everyone else it either brings up their grief or they don't feel very comfortable with my pain. hang in there...you have found a safe place to talk here

My heart aches for you. I think everyone who has lost someone has guilt over something that they should have said or done or wish they wouldn't have.....I know I do I would think that your husband has forgiven you and you need to forgive yourself. I doubt that someone who loves you would want you to feel guilty forever about comfort you didn't provide. I imagine that in your time together you provided more comfort than you can remember..... hang in there

My brother, John, has been gone 10 months tomorrow. I feel like I am still not myself. I am still so sad and I miss my brother so much. My brother died of a drug overdose. I am tempted lately to get in touch with some of his friends and even his doctor (they were prescription drugs) to find out what they knew and how they contributed to his death. I know this is not going to solve anything and he did take the drugs that took his life but I'm just so lost. I spoke to my brother within the last 12 hours of his life...did he know he was going to die? Did he do this on purpose. Was he scared. Did it hurt? I have too many questions and no real answers. I feel like those close to me think I must be "over it" and "ok" now...nobody even brings up my brother anymore. I miss him and I hate this and I keep thinking why why why why why why why why

I think it is normal to be angry at those around you who are not going through your unique grief. It is also very natural to wonder why me? why us? why my family? I feel the same way....not just about losing my brother, about a lot of things. I think the key here is to let yourself feel that way and keep moving on....my faith tells me that someday we will have the answers we seek. Hang in there. And I am so so sorry for your loss......

Butterfly, I lost my brother on Jan 8, 2010 to an accidental overdose of painkillers. I have to tell you that I feel as though I have been in a fog since it happened. It is very difficult to "work through" a loss like this. I too went to a bereavement group but didn't find a good fit since it was either bereaved parents or children. I think keep posting and reading on this forum and try to find a counselor with a sliding scale. It is SO unfair to lose a sibling this way.......and I don't think it will ever hurt less, I only think we will get more used to the hurt. Hang in there. Michelle

today is my birthday. This will be the first time that I don't hear my brother Johnny's voice saying "happy birthday" to me. I SO BADLY want to get that phone call!! I am SO mad that all our happy days are sad now. I am mostly just mad that my brother died.

I have the same struggle with my Mom's grief....It is a very difficult balance. I too have a full plate and my own tears to deal with. I feel like when I have to deal with her issues I have to set my own aside. My Mom did come for a visit for the last 2 months and I think that helped her to be with our family. Hang in there.....hopefully your Mom will get into counseling soon and that will help.

I don't know where to start. This week was my Mom's 60th birthday and she was so depressed celebrating her birthday without her son. It just made me so angry all over again about losing my brother. I find that I am resentful of having to deal with my Mom's grief lately - my own is too much for me to handle. I have been going to counseling and have attended a couple of hospice grief groups myself and have been begging my mom to do the same and she refuses. I cannot make her understand that I can't be her counselor!!! It is too much for me. As a result the whole world is making me angry....I am sick of everyone around me. I just want to run away. So ....am I losing it??????/

Thank you!! for the response. Pretty sure we have a lot in common. I was also raised in a very codependant environment and have the same issues you do with your Mom. I have been in therapy dealing with all these family issues for a long time I just haven't gotten to the point where I don't accept blame for anything that happens to anyone regardless of fault. I am so sorry for your loss - addiction is just a heart breaker - so hard to watch. I am sure your love, like my brother was a kind and sensitive person.

For a long time I felt so guilty that my brother died. As if there was something more I could have done to save him. I know logically that he was an addict and had an addiction that killed him. I just keep feeling bad about all the times that I avoided him because he was using. Now I am starting to feel better and come out of the deep depression I have been in for the last 6 months. And now the guilt is that my Mom is doing so poorly...she has terrible anxiety, she's not leaving her house much.....So when I am feeling good and I call I hang up so consumed by guilt that I am ok and she's not.

loulou, you are really speaking my language. I know how you feel when you say "I'm hurting". I can't imagine how much more anyone could expect right now. I find every day difficult to go through. The relationship problems we are both having are interesting...this is the for worse part, isn't it? I think about couples like my grandparents that lost parents and siblings and children and just seemed to love eachother through it. My brother has not even been gone 5 months...it's going to take a while.

This just doesn't get any easier, does it? My brother's birthday was this week which was just terrible. and I feel like every aspect of my life is falling apart.......my marriage for sure (which was maybe not strong to begin with) I just feel so not myself and SO stuck in my head and MOODY......... please tell me I'm not alone

I'm not sure if this is always the way but I feel like since I lost my brother I have also lost my parents and even my other brother. My Mom is having such a terrible time dealing with the loss of her son. My brother had moved in with my Mom more than 10 years ago when he got custody of his son. My Mom really took on kind of a co-parenting role with my brother and he and his son became the focus of her life. With the loss of my brother his son has moved in with his Mom. My Mom is now alone in the house and pretty much lost. Anyway....I feel like I have lost my brother and that my mom will obviously never be the same again. It makes th loss that much harder....

Marty, I have heard you say that to others and I do agree....I think suicide just like drug abuse is a way to end the pain. I think my brother had a lot of physical and emotional pain that he was trying to avoid. Thank you for this site.......although the tears continue I feel better having a safe place to be. Missy

Marty, Thank you for the support. It does feel like we are losing my brother again. I have a question for you. I have read before your statement that overdose is suicide. Can you explain that more to me? It feels right because they did die by their own hand but I'm wondering if there is more to it that you can share with me. Thank you, Missy

My brother died Jan 8, 2010. We just got the autopsy report today. He died of an accidental prescription drug overdose. I had suspected this was the cause...he had been prescribed oxycodone for frostbite about a year before he died and I could tell that he was abusing them. I spoke to him about it a number of times. The sad fact is that both his hands and his heart hurt so much that he numbed himself with the painkillers. This makes me even more sad. Both of my parents are devastated all over again. It just seems like such a waste....... My comfort is that I don't think he had any pain.....and he doesn't anymore. It's just the pain of all of us that lost him that is so hard to handle......I hate this

I lost my brother on January 8, 2010. He was 36 years old. We still don't have the autopsy report but I suspect a prescription drug overdose. My Mom is a wreck. She barely leaves her house. She's not thinking very clearly. I really thought I was doing better for a minute. Until I realized that this is going to be my Mom's first Mother's day in 36 years without John. And I can't be there with her and I can't imagine the pain that she will be feeling. And it makes me feel like I am losing my brother again. I hate all these firsts. I HATE how much our lives have changed and I MISS MY BROTHER!! Every single day. I just think this is so unfair to all of us. I can't imagine that my Mom is going to be able to heal and recover from this. She seems so old and hasn't even turned 60 yet.

We lost my brother in January. He had moved back home with his son to live with my Mom at least 10 years ago. My Mom built her life around caring for my brother and his son. To be quite honest it was a very codependent relationship. Now my brother is gone and my nephew went to live with his Mom and my Mom is now alone in her house for the first time in her life. I just don't know what I can do for her. I live across the country from her so it's not easy for me to stop in for visits. She is so depressed that she is not leaving the house or eating properly. I have found grief groups for her and suggested counseling and antidepressants. She is just not ready to do anything. Anyone been through this? Any help would be appreciated.

Alayna, My heart breaks for you. Losing a brother so suddenly and so young is just wrong. I have many similar experiences to yours. My Mom is also having a terrible time - she barely eats and won't leave the house. I have never heard her feeling so down. I live across the country from my family so I haven't been able to be a physical comfort to them nor to be physically comforted by being with them. I really think that talking helps....I am seeing a counselor and also journaling and sometimes it just helps to go somewhere for an hour and cry and tell the truth. It helps to remember the happy times and to focus on how important it is to be a better parent to our children than we had and to focus on healing ourselves. Hang in there.... Missy

Never before this loss have I been so aware of grief and how mishandled it is. We are all so uncomfortable with another person's pain. I know that I will be far more available to those who are hurting in the future. I sometimes feel like I wish I had more time to focus on mourning my brother and supporting my family in their grief. I am having the hardest time now with my Mom's pain. She lives in Illinois and I am in Washington state - it is so hard to be so far away from her. I heard from my other brother today that she hasn't been leaving the house and that she is so terribly depressed. This is just so difficult.

Wow...I am touched by the time you took to share your comfort with me. What an amazing forum. Thank you all for your replies. Your understanding and kind words of support mean so much to me right now.