DoingMyBest

Ron B - hope you are doing well. I just came back to look at this (for sanity) as things broke with my father today. Anger is hard. I'm not normally an angry person, I find it is usually a mask for something else and I was afraid of what it was. Turns out it was anger at my dad for being a crappy dad! It just so happens that he was also a crappy husband, and the level of self-indulgence he's gone to with the whole "oh, my wife of 50 years died"... while he was completely avoiding any of the Dirty Details of having to deal with her death... was painful to me. Anyway, we finally got it out in the open today (months later), and who knows how that will turn out but at least the air is clear. At least from my side. My dad will continue to ruminate on why I'm wrong, deluded, and otherwise not worthy, but I'm going to take some peace from the fact that I chose to operate from a respectful place even if he didn't want to hear my thoughts. I might have different feelings in a couple of days :-). Thank you for reaching back out to me (apology appreciated and accepted!), I hope that you've found a tiny bit of peace in your life. I don't profess to understand anger's ins-n-outs, but I do know a lot of the punishments that come from negativity and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. Life is too short, and I don't want to miss the good stuff because I'm worn out on the bad. That is more of a mantra than a realized life-philosophy, but it's a start. Hope you are well.

And one other thing - I don't intend to do a shot gun blast about this to my dad, certainly not at the moment. I understand he's grieving too. I don't think that would be fair to him. Just because I am angry does not mean I'm taking it out on him. If I do decide to address it with him, it will be expressed in a forum that is more conducive to a meaningful resolution of the conflict. I'm not a big fan of dropping s--t on people to make myself feel better and then walking off in the sunset leaving them in a broken heap.

Thank you for the thoughts. I agree that there is a whole lot more here than just anger about what this means for the respect of my mother's memory, for sure. I've tried to talk to him about my conviction that he has not treated me as openly and fairly as he would have a male child, and it wasn't even a horrible scene - basically, he just doesn't think that's true. I don't need to go into all the data here, but the bottom line is I know he's not lying to me about that (he doesn't believe he's sexist)... but he still is sexist. That's a tough pill to swallow, no matter how much I intellectually understand the variation in generational understanding and his lack of actually being in a woman's shoes and having a firsthand knowledge of the facts I experience daily. Despite my rant, I'm a very sophisticated, highly respected, accomplished, logic-driven professional, and it hurts when you are regularly returned to the state of a needy little girl-child just because your father wasn't capable of loving you fully. Yeah, I could use some counseling on that :-). But anyway - I did talk to my dad on the phone. Just kept it kind of generic, spoke about work, and got off quickly. It worked out "well" because he was on the way to the vet to have my mother's cat put to sleep (grrr - but she was old, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, even if his timing is extremely poor). Anyway, at least I was able to get through that peaceably until I figure out if I need to do anything about this. I can let it go, I can confront him, I can try to help steer him toward a path that is more consistent with his strongly stated morality. Who knows, but I definitely don't have to decide now. I had spoken to a couple of my friends before I was able to call, including one who lost her mother a few months before mine. It helped to just get it out of my system with my foregoing hate mail, and to cry like a crazy person to them. Maybe I didn't know what was going on in my parents' marriage, and maybe he is just doing the "guy thing" way to get over pain (he will not be the first man to dull his senses with sex), maybe he is just floundering in his lost-ness. I am quite aware that he has been unhappy in his life, but I just don't care right now. This just feels like a pathetic reflection of him and his hypocrisy makes me very angry. My dad is not the most forgiving of others when it comes to matters such as this (sexuality, adherence to principles, actions v. words, etc.), and I obviously picked up that gem of a characteristic from him. I'll have to meditate on that. But just so you know, if he does introduce me to a RussianBride4U in the next few months, my next post will be me lamenting my late father. [Just kidding. Really(ish). I got my sick sense of humor from my mother.]

Loulou - I hope your meeting to retrieve some of the personal effects you mentioned went well. I'm so sympathetic to your experience... I know how it feels to be lost in the morass of grief, and yet plotting the best way in which Justice could inflict a painful and meaningful punishment on those who can't seem to appreciate Respect. Don't feel guilty about it (assuming you're not spiking her coffee with rat poison), fantasizing is a tried-and-true way to work through your emotions. I try to keep my anger in check, but thinking about the ways that the Universe might chime in to help me with that does help me work through some angst. It also causes me some lost sleep, but I'm trying to find the balance. Whatever happens with these members of your family, I wish you the best.

Hi Brittany - I just saw your post, after posting my own angry rant about my father's return to the dating world after my mom's death a few months ago. I've (obviously) been thinking a lot about this situation, in part because my husband's father died 9 years ago, yet he's really, really protective of the idea of his mother seeking companionship. It's always seemed unfair to me - she is totally fun, a great personality, and she deserves to have someone her own age that she can talk about her life with. Because the aches and pains, and emotional struggles, and musical tastes, and personal values, and all that, that make people who they are really do depend in many ways on age. It's just different reference points, and understandings, that go along with your stage in life, and I've always been bothered by the resistance he puts up to her seeking anyone out to share those experiences and depend on for personal support. There are things that children just can't supply their parents. I totally understand the fear of replacement, or the stigma of disrespect, that can come from this transition. So despite my own apparent hypocrisy in being so angry at my dad for what he's doing, I wanted to throw a few questions to you that I'm hoping will start a dialog for you about what you want for your father, and for yourself, in the future. Change is always so hard, but it is inevitable. The best we can do is try to manage it productively. 1) You're young. You're at the stage where you really need a female role model, like it or not. Learning how to own your presence, the sexual awakenings, starting to identify your career and future... you're doing all these pivotal, defining things on your own. You've made it through some of your most formative years without her guidance, and dammit you've done it just fine on your own. Is there any possibility this is resentment about encroaching on your autonomony? If so, I want you to know that you are and always will be the only person to whom you answer. Like anyone else in your life, she may offer an opinion... but you are still autonomous. You only answer to you. You don't lose that by having her in the picture. 2) Two years - it's not an insignificant amount of time. There's no magic number to when "it's right to get back out there", but do you have a sense of what would be more appropriate than 2 years? I've found that when you can express something more concrete, it is helpful to others so they can tell you yes or no as to whether they can deliver on your expectations. 3) Even if you can't talk to your dad, it's wonderful that you can talk to others. It helps the information get "out there" - are you prepared for (or hoping that) it will find its way to your dad that way? It almost certainly will, so be ready to have the conversation. Your dad probably wants you to be happy more than anything, but he's dealing with a daughter who's of an age where she's going to be leaving him... he's got to start thinking of his future. You will have the most adult conversation of your life with this one, but if you are prepared - and can do it in a fair, open-minded way - you will walk away from this feeling more like an adult than ever before, whether you get what you think you want or not. I will tell you, at almost 40 I'm not ready to have this conversation with my dad, but then again he's not seeing a real person for a real purpose. Those are my excuses right now anyway, I hope to get to a more zen like awareness soon :-). I offer that so you know there's no age limit on being mad at your daddy for what he's doing to your mommy. Be patient with yourself... and yet try to prepare so that if the moment comes when this conversation erupts, it goes as well as it can. 4) Lastly, and this is my own personal anger and fear talking, is this woman "real"? By that, is she someone of good character, who treats your father well and wants good things for him and his family? Or is she just a cheap plaything that is satisfying a physical need you've probably been taught should not be indulged without a spiritual connection as well? If the former, maybe you could give her more of a chance. If the latter, well, let me know how you make due. I'm struggling with the whole idea and welcome the learnings of others on this. Best to you. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you get some peace with the New Woman.

speaking: "“What is there to forgive you for? You are my child.” I have gone over each thing I feel guilty about, one by one. I am beginning to realize that I really have to forgive myself. " Wow, that is so true. I think of all the times my mom must have grimaced and felt bad for poking me with a diaper pin or dropping me when I was crawling, and I know I don't need to have an apology from her! The benefit of hindsight is there's always so many things you could have done differently - if only you'd known then. But we don't, and we do the best we can in the circumstances. I hope you'll forgive yourself for feeling that you needed to respond to other demands on your time. One day I hope that story about the peanut butter cookies will make you smile about having had that opportunity with your dad, not just feel guilt about not spending enough (all?) of your time with him. My mom died 3 1/2 months ago... It's only within the past week or so that I've started having any good memories. You know - fun times, or funny times, or sweet things, rather than sickness, and guilt, and fear and loss and pain and all that. I was worried I'd never remember them, or maybe they never existed. Maybe if I searched my memory banks I could draw up a positive memory, but it felt a bit like a story book - artificial, third person. It's only recently that I've had any good experiences of those memories. I want more of them, but it's a struggle. Each one is a gem that surprises me, because for the most part it's still the pain. I will wish that you get a few such gems offered up to you when you are punishing yourself for not being all things. Anyone who brings PB cookies to a man when she knows she'll be in agony while delivering that loves deserves to really re-experience the good things.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Whatever the past issues have been, you still shared a special bond, and I can imagine how empty you feel to be "the last one standing." I wish I had more to offer than the confidence that, somehow, you'll push through the numbness and get it all done, but I don't. Nonetheless, I'm quite sure you will somehow manage to push through, and that will be the miracle of your gift to your sister and her son - whether they have any awareness of it or not. I do think, in this case, it is definitely the thought that counts, so give yourself credit for doing what you can even when it feels like empty motions.

OK, I need to start by saying I'm not one of those people who thinks that a widow/er should never have another life partner out of respect for the first life partner who predeceased them. I'm not that person, and I support that my father may well want to have a companion to make his life richer. But under these circumstances, I am so repulsed by his behavior I can't stand it. I did nothing but cry all weekend since I found out what's going on, and I'm just avoiding my whole family. My dad decided he was ready to go back to work about 1 1/2 months after my mom's death (only 3 months ago). He works overseas, so he was gone for several weeks. Over the course of that time, my sister (who lives near him) would go by to get the mail in, feed the cat, etc. My dad was having a lot of problems, I guess, integrating into post-mom life, and the memory lapses, disorientation, etc. all seemed pretty normal. I can appreciate the difficulty of figuring out who you are when your life partner of 50 years is suddenly gone, so I encouraged him to seek out some kind of hobby - charitable volunteering, playing chess, taking a course, whatever. Just something to give him a sense of social connection, and most importantly reconnect with himself. It was hard for me, because I've got my own issues with my father. Did he provide food and shelter for us all? Yes, but it's the perfect example of how meeting your minimal publicly-noticable obligations doesn't equate to doing a good job. He pretty much abandoned us, spending years avoiding us by taking jobs that would send him to the other side of the world (sometimes for up to two years at a time, where we didn't see him). When he was around, he just nitpicked and humiliated us constantly. I struggle with my resentment for the way he treated my mother - the affairs, the constant reminders of her inadequacies, the heckling as she was trying to learn to use her body again after a stroke... And she harbored a resentment for him, which she confessed privately, that I totally understand. But I guess it was a different generation, and they stayed together anyway. I can't help but be angry, and to feel that he was in many ways responsible for her death. Instead of letting her go to lead her own life, where she had at least a hope of finding herself, he just made sure that she felt like a burden who kept him chained to a life he was unhappy with. And that, of course, was a significant component in her self abuse - the smoking, obesity, lack of self-esteem that finally killed her. Did he kill her? Not exactly - but sort of. And he seems to feel no remorse at all about that. I know he was unhappy in his life, too... but he had more choices than she did, with an education, a job, and frankly a male body that lets you walk away from family obligations with far less social stigma than a mother could. No, he stayed - and punished all of us for his unhappiness. So I totally understand why now he's looking forward to some opportunities to define his life in a way he didn't have before. Two daughters nearly 40, and no more unhealthy, fat, unattractive ball-and-chain! GREAT!!! Except that, in all his moaning about how disoriented he is, he seems to have his priorities totally backward. He can't seem to be bothered with a responsibility to their dogs, which he now wants to give away - an APPALLING proposal in my family. It's not just that my father gave these dogs to my mother as gifts, it's not just that they were her precious babies - she simply was an animal person, and the idea that her dogs would be abandoned by him is shocking. She would literally roll over in her grave, thank god we had her cremated. And yet - he seems to think it's funny to tease that my sister better take them or they're going to the pound. Fine, so you wish you didn't have them - they need to be fed twice a day and petted while you sit on the couch. If he's not capable of giving THAT much by way of showing honor to mom, then I'm already frustrated. It just doesn't seem too much that you give that to your wife's precious companions out of respect for her. But that's not the worst of it. Even though he can't remember to pay the water bill (even when reminded several times it was coming due), he did manage to contact his doctor - literally from halfway around the world - just weeks after her death to get a Viagra prescription. So it would be all nice and ready for him when he got back from his trip. What??? Seriously? I suggested a hobby so that he could rebuild himself in a meaningful way - to find the things in life that interest him, that are worthwhile. To flesh out what I'm sure he considers a stunted personal experience, and maybe even make him a more interesting person that could have a social interaction with someone. Instead of doing that, he allocates his energy to this???? His most pressing point of first attack on addressing the problem of reinventing himself is to get his dick dirty??? This is a man who has stood in judgment of me my entire life. I remember him once weeping in my door way, crying over my lack of morals - because I was doing physics homework in my room with a boy. I have spent my whole life with him as a loud moral judge, and trying so hard to to do everything just absolutely perfectly so as not to provoke his judgment, and leading what by all accounts (or at least comparison to what I see via the media) is a virtually monklike existence (no partying, no casual sex, nothing but Accomplishment and Productivity), and this is what he does? THIS is his first foray out of the gate?!? It was particularly poignant that this bit of paper arrived the day before the three month mark of her death. I'm absolutely repulsed by him. His conduct is totally reprehensible. I am angry that I have spent 40 years trying to please someone who has a set of standards for him, and one set for everyone else (although it may be three sets: him, men, and women). I'm angry that he killed my mother, and I'm angry that I tried to help him. Now he's back in the US, and seems quite chipper - no doubt he was glad to see that his prescription was waiting for him upon his return. He keeps calling me, but I've been avoiding him. I spent the whole weekend crying, and I can't even yell at him about it because I'm not supposed to know. The only reason I do is because my sister accidentally opened the envelope since she's been monitoring their mail after the water got shut off since he's so out of it. I feel like it's only a matter of time before he introduces us to the 20 year old he ordered off of RussianBrides4U or something. And on top of that, I'm really mad at my sister too. She tells me all this, she's angry too. She's been doing all this work, cleaning out all of mom's stuff for dad (because he's too distraught to do it himself). So she's mad that he isn't carrying more of the weight of dealing with mom's passage (it was she and I who were at the hospital the entire week she was unconscious in convulsions, while he worked at getting back from his assignment - it was us who saw her body suffering so, and us who cleaned up the house, and made the arrangements, and took care of bills, and probate, and all the paper that goes with death), and she's pissed at the Viagra and the dog situation, and all the clean up she's doing... and when he says thank you and has some teary "wow, I really appreciate that" comment to her it's suddenly all better! That's all it took, is one thank you to make it all go away. They are off having happy family meals, which I'm sure works for her because she wants her kids to have their grandfather - both boys, which is another sore spot since my dad has made it clear part of his problem with us as burdens was that we weren't male. So basically, she's done all the work to free up his time to think such weighty thoughts as how to get his rocks off now that he's not violating any vows, and she's making a totally free-pass zone for him. I hate him. I'm mad at her, but I'll get over it. But for my dad - I just can't stand it. I want just a tiny little bit of atonement out of him. I don't need any formal recognition of his role in her amazingly destroyed life, because I know that'll never come - but perhaps he could just show the tiniest bit of class by focusing on something that is not such a basically hedonistic, self-centered, superficial experience as casual sex. Just to start with. At 68 years old, I don't think that's asking too much. I just don't think it's too much to ask that he think a bit more broadly about his opportunities. I certainly wouldn't have gotten away with a focus on nothing but sex as a teenager, and I don't think he should do so as a 68 year old man who just lost his wife. Is this the best you've got to offer? Really?!? Because if you were anyone other than my father, you'd have been written off a long time ago as not of the caliber of person I would voluntarily choose to have in my life. I don't know what to do. I'll probably just choke it down, get through a few awkward phone calls with him, and let him drift off to whatever future he makes for himself. I wish it was him that had died. I know I'm not supposed to wish that, but I do. He doesn't deserve the life he has now. Please don't flame me, none of you has had to deal with a lifetime of his emotional abuse. None of you has tried to extend an olive branch, after a lifetime of that, to help him resurrect himself in a way that is reflective of his real capabilities and potential, and been slapped in the face with his shallowness and hypocrisy. I want to just count him dead, the way people do whose parents physically abandon them as children, and move on with my life. But I can't, since I'll just have to grieve again when he actually does die. It's just not fair. I wish I could assimilate that information. Oh well. At least Mom taught me how to take joy out of the happy growling of a dog with a toy rediscovered under the couch, and to distract and entertain myself by creating art that communicates outside of my own personal experience. If only I could stop crying long enough to see how happy that dog is or to do something more than stare bleakly at a blank canvas and hope my mojo comes back.

Ron - I'm sorry for this situation, it is unnecessarily painful at a time when you don't really need more pain. It sounds like there is a significant age difference involved, and that you may be the younger in the relationship? If so, that could make it tough for you to bridge, as you will naturally be perceived as having less experience/wisdom regarding your actions. These issues seem to be pretty deeply ingrained, and I doubt you'll resolve them in the next couple of months, particularly while you're going through the painful process of sorting out assets. But that's not to suggest that you should stuff the problem down. I think your suggestion of taking a break when you need it is a good one... but you need to execute it in a respectful way. That will be hard to do when you are being treated disrespectfully. Nonetheless, it will set a new tone for how you will both interact, and you desperately need a new dynamic. Instead of mumbling about needing a break, you could let your siblings know (all of them, not just the problem one) in advance that this is going to be a hard road, and if things get tense you intend to declare a time out until emotions are more contained. Maybe even come up with a code for it - "Time for a walk!" or "I'm going to grab some air". Longer term, you may want to seek a counselor. It would be great if you and your sister could see a family counselor. There is obviously a lot more than grieving complicating your relationship (although that will certainly set fire to any smoldering ashes), and the bottom line is that you are never, ever going to agree with each other about all the insults and slights you each have perceived. You kind of need to figure out a platform from which you can start fresh with your relationship - not easy when you both bring a lot of hurt and anger to the table, but enjoying the future together is the prize (not recasting the past). Best to you in the coming period.

I know what you are saying. Every single day is so tough to get out of bed, knowing you have to come to work (with people who probably feel you should be over it by now... if they even remember to think that it still weighs on you), deal with stuff that you really don't care about, and interact with people. It is this huge anxiety that makes every day completely exhausting. And then to come home to someone who cares about you - and all he does is irritate you! I feel so guilty for that, too - I just got married a couple of months before my mom died, and I'm feeling like a terrible wife. My husband is so generous and supportive, but all I want is to be alone. And the phone message - that hurts. I tried to go back and retrieve one that my mom may have left, but they are gone. I'll never hear her voice again. I'm so mad at myself for deleting that last message, just tidying up my voicemail when I didn't need to. Who knew? If you aren't sleeping, that only makes it worse. You may want to reconsider the sleeping pills, at least temporarily. If you are concerned, maybe have your doctor prescribe only 10 pills? Or even one or two sample pills (they often have sample tabs that the drug companies give them). That way you can try it, and it's a "contained" exposure. I don't like taking pills either - it feels wrong to medically induce a natural activity. But if it's not naturally happening, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little modern science to help. I use Ambien, and I split the pills in half - it helps me go to sleep (which is the hardest part for me), but I don't feel like it's so much that I'm drugged out that night (or the next day). And a few hours of sleep does SO MUCH for your mental and physical recovery. It doesn't make it all go away, but it does help reduce the irritation you are feeling from interacting with others.

Um, I have to ask this question, and I really, really don't mean it to be rude... Is it possible she was trying to reach out to you? To connect with you? In some wildly awkward, insensitively delivered way? Perhaps by bringing it up she was trying to let you know she recognized his death would be hard on you at your birthday? I ask because I'm learning how difficult it is for people to bring up your grieving process - understandably, it is a challenging proposition for someone who's not in the midst of it, and who doesn't know what will be best (ignore it so you can focus on your day, or bring it up and recognize that it may be an unwelcome question, or a tearful question, or whatever). People don't want you to forget their losses, so how do you deal with the variety of coping mechanisms out there? I understand how painful it was that she didn't realize this was your first year without (versus your second, which I'm sure will be soooo much much better [sarcasm, yes]). But who knows what's been going on in her life that would make her lose track of time, or maybe she's just not much of a time-keeper. I'd rather have the friend who brings it up, and recognizes my loss, than the one who plays it safe and pretends the past never happened and is out of my consciousness. Even if she handles it like a bull in a china closet. That friend may just be the only one who knows, five years, ten years, fifty years from now, that my lost love hurt so badly it is still a daily part of me. Hang in there. I can't even imagine losing my husband after a few days of marriage. Most people can't. You've gone through most people's biggest nightmare, and survived. Whether your friend is a clumsy supporter or an insensitive dolt, YOU are what's going to get you through this. I hope that on your next birthday you give yourself a gift for being there for you when you needed you most.

I hope that it's not a matter of "more important" or "less important" with your friends. It sounds like maybe it's a matter of "more understandable." Without minimizing your loss (I just lost my mom two months ago... so believe me, I know just how deeply devastating it is), I think people respond to the idea of losing a child in a way they don't when it's an elder (mother, grandparent, uncle) - it's just NOT a thing people expect to experience, the loss of a child... whereas on some level we all understand that death will happen, eventually, within our family, and likely first among the older members. And with the "allotment" of mourning time you're given, people just assume that the death of adults is just a little more emotionally digestible. Like if it's a child it will ruin you for years, but if it's a parent you only get to wallow for a certain time. I'm struggling with my "allotted" time already, just two months in... one of my best friends unloaded on me the other day about why I'm not there for her various life activities. Someone who should realize I've always been there before - and that if I'm not there now, it's just because I'm not able. But life goes on - faster for those who aren't grieving. When they aren't living your loneliness and sadness of course it's less tangible to them. Does that hurt? Of course - I feel very abandoned. And yet I understand, because I know I've had friends who lost a parent or grandparent, and I felt bad for them... and then I went on to other things. Even though our lives are so incredibly saturated from our perspectives, others only have a tiny little window into them (even when you try to share, they still aren't in your head and heart with you). I hope you will forgive your friends for abandoning you in your time of need. It may help to let them know, separately from your friend who lost her child, how sad you still are and how you hope you are still in their hearts - let them know you need their love even now. If they hear you, they will give you what you need, even if it is spread around a bit. And if they don't hear you... well, that's worth learning too so that you know what your options are when you do need a lift. I hope this won't sound sick, but perhaps the death of your friend's child will be something of a minor blessing - perhaps it will bring you closer to the parents, or perhaps it will help you put to rest the sadness you've been carrying around by being able to look at and help carry someone else's sadness (I know I tend to get really, really, really mired in my own loss). You sound like you have been a wonderful friend to a grieving mother, and no doubt that is in part due to your recent experience with death. If there is to be meaning in such losses, then hopefully we will find it among the living. My best to you, and to your friend. I hope that you find peace eventually. I'm hoping that for everyone on this site, including myself. I want very much for our losses to matter.

That was crazy tough. All day long, thinking about what she was doing for me 38 years ago. How do you process that? It made a day that is traditionally about YOU into a day of loss. A day of feeling that she'd sacrificed everything in the world for me - and wasn't there to see if it came to anything. A day of wondering if I've done anything to redeem that sacrifice. A day where I didn't get a call at 10 am with a silly rendition of the Happy Birthday song. I made it through pretty well by staying busy with projects, but of course when that wound down just ended up bawling through dinner. For no other reason than because I'm here, feeling like there's no point in life and that there's nothing I can do to justify her sacrifice. How do you take advantage of the reminder to go lead your life when you're face to face with the reminder that NOTHING you do will keep you from the dust-to-dust mental salve? I think I would like to go curl up in bed and see what the summer looks like. Please wake me then.

Thanks to all for your kind replies. I took Ron's advice and actually discussed the situation with my friend... it went well. It actually went really well, as I think we both understand each other better now. It definitely wasn't easy though. But basically I explained that I had done EVERYTHING I could - and that was all I had to offer. And called her on the fact that she knows me... and when I disappear into the woodwork it's not laziness, it's not disrespect, it's simple NEED. She got that, and we are good. Still, it hurt a lot, and I guess I just need to remember that just because I am feeling completely out of sorts with all that life would normally demand, I just either don't care or don't have it in my to give more - and yet still I can be conscious of the challenges going on in my friend's lives. The ones who lose track... but who care enough to come back when you say how hard you've been trying, how hurt you were by their assumptions, and how unfair it is to put on you right now... those are the ones you have a real friendship with. Those friends know that NOBODY is perfect. And they still manage to forgive you for being blind to their issues, and you theirs. I've still been shocked at the losses I've suffered collaterally. The friends who really did crap on me and ignore my pain. It's like a double-whammy of loss! But I don't want to jump to conclusions for the ones who I really think are misunderstandings. I need them. I think at the end of this, when I emerge from this numb cocoon, I want to know that there are people in this world who make it worthwhile. Otherwise, we're all just wasting our time paying our utility bills and keeping our cars waxed. There's got to be more to it than that. I don't expect perfection from my friends. I just want... an opportunity to be a totally raw wound without having to worry about them adding salt. You never know which those will be until you expose your wound, do you?

I went through my logs desperately hoping I could recover a voicemail from my mom (no luck). Since I can't hear her voice, for now it makes me feel better to see her number on my favorites list. Can't call, I guess, but it makes me think... yeah, she's a favorite. Wish I could talk to her, but remembering her will have to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm having massive anger issues with my father right now as well (mom died 2.5 months ago... and he just seems to think you get rid of all her crap and go on with your life and you're over it. It feels very disrespectful to her memory, and while I know he's hurting I just want him to SUFFER the way I am. Just to know he's actually feeling it and appreciates her life.). And I understand the loving of the dogs... luckily my sister (who has kids) understood what a source of joy and comfort they are to me in my own life, so I haven't been "judged" by those that matter on the fact they make me feel connected to life. Misunderstood by some, for sure - dogs don't count to some. Your dad sounds like he's battling demons about the way men are "supposed" to process grief, and I'm not defending his behavior to you as I don't know it... but I hope you will take a deep breath when you want to jump through the phone line and strangle him! It's hard, but I hope you will be able to accept his lack of support and instead take comfort where it appears. Whether it's a friend bringing muffins (even without realizing you're having a sad, sad day), or a cocker that puts a sweet nose in your face before you've even opened your eyes for the morning, or even just a beautiful calm day where you can enjoy the taste of coffee in the morning or the casual enjoyment of scanning a fun catalog at night. Best to you.

Oh - and as for getting another dog... You will be ready to open your lives to another again. Don't let people who want to buy your loss off with a replacement make you feel less for the fact that it was "only" a pet. Hopefully they are just reminding you that you will have that love in the future and not suggesting a replacement. I can't imagine they want you to replace your baby like a cheap sweater that started pilling. So even though you're not ready to rebuild your family - one day you may be. Don't close yourself off to that. They will make you laugh again :-)

Oh wow, I am so saddened to hear this for you. What a tragedy. My dogs are my babies and (having just lost my mother) I live in fear of losing one of them. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even tell you. If I may weigh in on the psychological issues you've outlined, perhaps your DH's issues are the typical "anger" stage. I lost my mom 2 1/2 months ago... I must tell you, I'm right in the thick of it. I thought it would be earlier - like "I'm so mad you couldn't stop smoking" or "damn you dad for not being a better husband," and then I thought it would kind of ease off and I'd feel sad but have some capability of vision for the future. But instead, I felt the first couple of months were numb. And NOW, when everyone else in the world is wondering why I'm not "over it", I find that so much of my emotional energy is just about anger. I'm perpetually irritated by my husband - who's done nothing other than be wonderfully supportive. I'm phenomenally angry at my father, and his relationship with my mother. I'm mad at myself for not "doing what I could" earlier (even though I know I was doing what I could and would be permitted at the times). Add to that, these crazy insecurities over what is happening next, when you've come face to face with the temporariness of life. I feel like every call is going to be the police telling me my husband was killed in a car wreck, or that my oh-so-loved dog got out of the yard and wasn't wearing a collar and what can I do?!?! I know I've been an irritable bitch, and I wish it wasn't so. But the fact is - seeing happy, healthy people doing happy, healthy things with their families (including their puppies), and knowing what a fine line separates them from agony - hurts. All the time. I'm not wishing them ill, but at the same time ALL my mind comes back to is knowing how close they are to tragedy. It sounds like he is just having a hard time processing the anger. I must guess that he knows it's not your FAULT about the job situation, and that he knows you loved the pupper too... and his expression of anger is his guilt that he couldn't fix the unfixable. And a need to find a reason why it happened. And an attempt to make himself believe that he's not the reason why this tragedy happened. If it's been three months, you are probably feeling pretty put upon by now, and I don't blame you (even though I'm the "snotty abuser" in this grief relationship). Maybe you could suggest some grief counseling for him, or some couple therapy for you both? One of the things I hate most about my situation is that this happened just 2 months after my husband and I married. It's hard to have the "for worse" part come so hot-and-heavy so early in the relationship. But, his anger (no matter who it's directed at) is creating scars for you both, and that's unfortunate for both of you. Maybe being able to say, in front of an impartial mediator who just wants both of you to be able to communicate successfully with each other, how hurt you both are by the loss will help him deal with the pain in a more productive way. Again, so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Puppies love us like no one else ever will. It's okay to feel the pain of their loss. Talk about unconditional! You'll never get that from anyone with a thumb :-)

I hear that - it's been 2 months since my mom's death, and I am still angry at the same people for the same kind of attitude. Only now many of them have moved on to wondering why I'm still "in a funk" and why I'm not over "it" yet. I don't really have any advice, since I am struggling with the same situation and there doesn't seem to be a magic bullet that could head it off at week 2. All I can say is - you will really learn a lot about people, individually and collectively, in this experience. Some will absolutely amaze you at the way they come through, when you would never have guessed. Others will absolutely amaze you at the lack of care and awareness they can demonstrate. I am choosing to focus on the ones who are more in it with me. It doesn't make the other disrespecters go away, but at least when you get all worked up about their latest injustice it gives you something to cling to so that you aren't totally washed away with negative emotions. At least, that's what I tell myself when I'm trying to calm myself down thinking about all the nice things she did for people who didn't deserve it :-). Good luck to you, and I'm sorry to hear about your mom's death.

What a tragedy, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how traumatic it is to know how horrible your cat's death was, and to know it was another precious loved pet that was responsible. I am sorry you had to put Karma down, but it sounds like you felt it was not an option. I will hope you find the peace to forgive yourself for what you needed to do.

I lost my mother 2 months ago. It seems simultaneously the longest and shortest time possible. It's been rough. I don't know why. I found this site, and I'm hoping that a community of others who know this pain and emptiness might help... somehow? I'm not sure how, but others here seem to find some peace in that. I don't want to go into personal details right now... I'm just writing to vent the latest lead weight that was dropped on me. I'm still in a state of shock. One of my very closest friends, who's lost her mom (although she was 11 and that was a few decades ago, so maybe didn't experience it the same way), sent me an email late last night accusing me of not caring about her enough to come see her or to "reach out to her in any way". It was accusatory and angry, and I'm just in a state of shock that I would be put in this position after I've already explained the rawness and the solitude I crave but can't seem to get a tiny toehold in my life to heal. I did everything that I had to give - I inquired regularly as to what was going on with her, I let her know when I had a minor success in my life like actually accomplishing a simple work-out, I asked her to participate in a private ritual where I am ceremonially putting my mom's remains in their place of honor. But frankly even getting out of bed is an effort. Forcing myself to function through a day with an extremely stressful job (executive at a very struggling company), then coming home and taking care of the bare, bare necessities (feeding myself, making sure the dogs went outside, possibly even dragging some clothes to the washer...) is ALL is can do. Frankly, it feels like more than I can do sometimes. I even find the companionship of my husband (who has been amazing) too much to bear sometimes. I wish it wasn't so, but all I can say is that is all I have to offer. And to get that - HURT. I feel very hurt that she allowed her fears for what my actions might mean to override her knowledge of what she knows my character to be. I alwyas try to come through for everyone, and the fact that I can't do it NOW should be a pretty good indication of my simple physical inability. I feel like every time I think, even momentarily, that I'm getting my feet under me (or at least see it as a possibility), some drama pops up and leaves me nothing but going back to that place where everything feels hopeless and pointless and numb and alone.