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Dale&Sue

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Everything posted by Dale&Sue

  1. Korina: What a beautiful picture. I'm sure that Scott is smilin' at that one, wherever he is! Susan
  2. Hi Andy: First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. The people here know the sadness and anguish you are going through. I personally don't think that how long one was in a loving relationship is a measure of the agony endure when we lose our beloved. You are suffering as much as any of us; and you deserve and need our support....you shall certainly have that support from me! Like you and your beloved Tammy, I was not formally married to my Dale. We were in a Common-Law relationship. Again, for me, this does not mean that you are suffering any less than those married formally and for a long time. I know that I was as committed to Dale as anyone, and like you and Tammy, there were some reasons why I did not want to marry in a formal manner. Did I love him through health and sickness..Yes I Did. Did I stick with him through better or worse...Yes I Did. Did I go through times when we were poorer, rather than richer...Yes, I did. I'm sure you did as well. To me...and this is my philosophy, it was not the length of time I was in a relationship with my love, nor was it a question of married or unmarried...it was how we were together; how we cared for each other and stood by each other. I hope that this may help you feel like you are, to me, a member of this group just like anyone else. I think I do understand that hesitation and feeling like...people won't see my pain as being equal to theirs because of the nature of our reltationship. I have experienced first hand, the attitude of some who seem to think "well you couldn't be in all that much pain...you weren't even married." So, I would say, try not to do that in your own head....you may need all your strength to counter it from other sources. I KNOW the pain you are in and if I could take it away, I truly would. I also know what it is like to experience that sudden and unexpected loss of the most beloved person in your love. Dale died of a heart attack on a job site 500 miles away from our home. I know the heartache you are going through. I really think that a lot of people on this site will know as well...I hope that this can help ease what you are going through; if only a bit. You are welcome here. You are a member of this group; although it's that group that no one wants to joing. ok? You take care and you write here whenever you need to. Susan
  3. Hi DeeGee: I understand just how painful the attack by your husband's son was. I know, from my own experience with this stuff, that it is trauma piled on the trauma of a longtime partner's death. I was treated, like you, as if I was a "gold digger." Both of these adult children, one is 27; the other is 40, objected to the fact that I was "getting everything." The actual amount left after bills etc. is relatively small. Anyway, sometimes people don't realize that the person left behind has to rebuild an entire life and that their financial situation may not be all that rosy. What hurt me most..and I think you...is the lack of any recognition of this or concern about your welfare. I know that my Dale would be extremely upset if he could see what his children did to me. I'm sure that your husband would feel the same way. Anyway, I kind of did the same as you. I comforted both, even after the attack, by immediately giving them some of his prized personal possessions and assuring both that their father loved them and would have done anything for them. I can see you did the same sort of thing...so, all I can say is we did the right thing and, as someone else said, we can hold our heads up high. And...as time progresses, I am more able to focus on those who loved and cared for both of us and who have been supportive and caring during this time of grief. I hope the same for you. Focus on those people. I hear you...my counselor told me that I have to accept the fact that as soon as Dale was gone, to the kids, I was gone as well. So Sad. Take care and hang in there. Susan
  4. KayC, Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. I have been unable to write about some of this until today. It hurt dreadfully to lose Dale but I have truly thought I would go crazy with all the others issues piled on top of that. As for the friend and the house: We had no formal agreement. Because this was a close friend, or so we thought, we had a verbal agreement, very casual. We had transferred the money to his account just to show "good faith." I could probably take him to court because everyone knew we had a verbal agreement and I have the proof of the transfer of funds. I decided not to do so. This guy's whole extended family has farmland and houses all around the house and 5 acres we lived on. Why push myself where I'm so obviously not welcome. On a happier note, I have bought a quarter section of land right down the road from where we lived. With the help of many friends and family, I'm going to be building a small cabin. It's for Dale. I simply cannot leave the area; that is where his spirit is and I won't leave him. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm going through this move/grief entirely alone. I have people who loved both of us, and they have been right there helping me and often crying with me. For that I am so grateful. Thanks Again. You have no idea how much you have comforted me. Susan
  5. Hi everyone; I'm writing this from work. I really shouldn't even be here. I'm afraid I'm just going to go on and on, ad nauseaum, but I know I have to get this out. I feel like I'm going to die. I met my partner, Dale, at my workplace 20 years ago. I work in an academic library and assisted him with some research he was doing. It's never supposed to be "healthy" but it was love at first sight. We both felt like we had known each other for ever, and we quickly became partners for life. Six months ago today, the company he worked for had to send someone here, to my workplace, to tell me he was gone. I don't want to scare anyone new, but the pain is even worse than it was when they first told me and I dropped to my knees when I found out he was gone. I know I was totally in shock and that's worn off. But I also know it's worse because of some of the things that transpired after he died. I believe those events have complicated the grief process and I really don't know how I can ever heal. Dale had two children from other relationships, so of course, this situation was rather difficult for all of us. I thought I was really close to his kids, they are adults, and I always supported him in being a good father. I expected no less of him. Almost from the moment he was dead though, both of these kids began to attack me in the cruelest manner possible. His son demanded that I immediately hand over Dale's motorcycle to him and bad mouthed me to all of Dale's family when I said I need time to go through all our finances etc. His daughter attacked me verbally right after I'd walked with Dale's casket out to the hearse. This kind of stuff went on for several months...not once did either actually ask how I was doing or offer any help whatsoever. To top it all off, Dale and I were supposed to be buying a house we'd lived in and rented for 15 years. It was our home in the country. We thought we had an agreement with our friend and there was just paperwork to be done. We'd already transferred part of the money to the friend's account. The final transaction had not occurred when Dale died. So, our so-called friend phoned me two days after Dale's death and said I'm not selling you the house. You have six months to move out. I have to hand over the keys on Saturday, April 24...6 months to the day we held a memorial service for Dale. I've had to go through all his clothes and other personal belongings and organize this move at the same time. I don't know if I can make it through this...sometimes I really don't care. Sorry for the run on note. I just needed to write this out. Susan
  6. Dear Closs86: I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think that you will find lots of support and care here. Come back often. I don't post very much, because I often have no words to describe the pain. But I come here every day and I read all the posts and I try to give some comfort to others, if I can. Everyone here will do that for you, ok. I know what you mean when you say you are numb. Dale, my partner of 20 years, died 500 miles away from me on a job site. He had a massive heart attack and we didn't know he had heart problems. He'd had a physical for work not long before. Although the first months hurt so much I could hardly breathe, at the same time, I did feel numb and it was surreal. I told my counselor that my soul died with Dale and all that is left is an empty shell. So, I hear you and so does everyone on this site. I extend to you my heartfelt sympathy in your sorrow. I think someone here said...it's not even one day at a time, some times it's one hour at a time. For me, it truly is one hour at a time. My heart goes out to you. Susan
  7. Hi Chrissie: I'm sincerely sorry to hear about your loss. I don't have much to add, as the others have said it all...my heart aches for you and I know that is true for everyone on this site. I really related to your memory of your beloved Tim asking you to marry him. One of the happiest days of your life...and now, the feelings of such sadness and loss. It was 20 years ago today that I met my dear partner Dale. It's all pretty rough. As for what I do when people ask how I'm doing...it depends on who is asking and how much I trust them to really mean it when they ask. I've been on the edge of tears for the last few days, because of this 20 year anniversary, and a friend from work asked me yesterday "How are you doing." I just started to cry...but she put her arms around me and cried with me. I think someone else said here that just sometimes crying or doing what you need to do will give you strength to go on. I have found that is true. Let us know, truly, how you are doing, because we care. We know how it feels to have a "sort of good day" and then have days where it feels like you just can't do "this" anymore. Take care. Susan.
  8. Hi Lainey: I'm so sorry that you had to come to this site, because we all know it means that you're in so much pain and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find love and solace and help on this site. I hear you loud and clear when you write about loneliness. I have still retained lots of close friends and am close to my siblings, but the loneliness is always there. I was thinking the other day that losing someone so close, so beloved, is like being sentenced to solitary confinement. I find that it helps "somewhat" for me to have some structure on some of my weekends; to make plans with people even if I don't feel like it. There have been a few times when I did cancel out...I try to make plans only with people who have some sense of what I'm going through. My energy is very low and sometimes I can't do everything I'd like to; at other times I simply have to be alone. I don't know if making plans for your weekends is possible for you as it sounds like many of your friends have vanished. For that, I'm truly, truly sorry. You need support. Perhaps joining a bereavement group would help somewhat, in addition to our online community here. Keep posting, visit often, read, tell us how you are doing. We've all been there or are there, so at least we can listen and tell you what works for us. Each of us has our own way through this though, so you will find that people here will respect your process and will encourage you to do what's best for you. Susan
  9. Hi Suzanne: It's been just over 5 months since my Dale died. At one point, actually a few months ago, I just decided one day that I couldn't stand the pain and I didn't want to remember him anymore and I just wanted to wipe 20 years of a relationship from my memory. I put all the pictures I had of him away, and I even put his Urn in a closet so I wouldn't have to see it. I told a couple of people what I'd done and they were horrified and seemed to think I wasn't behaving very "nicely." Later, I did get his pictures back out and his Urn is back in our bedroom, but there are still some things I cannot look at. The sense of finality is like being hit by a freight train. The point here is that the pain is so brutal that we look for some small way to ease it. I know that's what I was doing and I'm still doing it. And, I think that's what you're doing too. I was all over the map and I still am. From the sounds of your post, you are as well and that is grief. I think if we were in physical pain equal to this emotional anguish, someone would give us painkillers...probably pretty darn strong ones. And yet, we mostly carry on the best we can. I can only say; be gentle with yourself and hang in there. Susan
  10. Hi all: My partner of 20 years died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 500 miles away on a job site at the time it happened. I can certainly understand being haunted by that feeling that you never got to hold your loved one in your arms and say goodbye. I said two things when they came to work to tell me Dale was gone,. I was crying uncontrollably and kept saying over and over "I never got to hold him." "I never got to say goodbye." I think about that every day, and am so sorry that I wasn't there to comfort him. I try to comfort myself with the thought that perhaps he actually did feel my presence, thought there were 500 miles between us when he died. I know I felt it happen, although I did not know what it was at the time. Dale died at 10:30 in the morning and I remember looking at the clock at 10:30 and being barely able to lift my feet, my body felt so heavy. It was the strangest experience I've ever had. Not long after, I got word that he'd died at 10:30 that morning. So, perhaps we did say goodbye over the miles. WeepingWillow...maybe your Richard did feel your presence and I'm sure he certainly knew he was loved and cherished. I think that SusieQ is right..."I guarantee that if we could ask any one of them, they would say that they knew how much they were loved and nothing else mattered." Take Care. Susan.
  11. Dear TerryY: My thoughts are with you and as I do for every "first timer" who writes here, I cried for you. I know the pain and I wish I could take yours away. I remember about 4 weeks after my Dale died, I was wandering down the street crying and screaming "I'm never, ever going to see him again." I'm not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person and I hold you tight in my heart, ok. Your higher power ;God; is going to help you through this, even if it now feels like your prayers are for naught. If you can, I highly recommend finding a good counselor. As someone else also said, maybe you can find some comfort and support with your daughter. I wish that for you both. I know what it feels like to want someone back so badly, and to experience the brutal pain of knowing that can never happen. All the people here know that pain. You will find kindness here like nowhere else and you will find support. Keep posting. Susan
  12. Hi LindaG: I think I understand what you mean and what you may be experiencing. My partner died in October 09. The pain has been very intense, but as spring has made itself felt here on the prairies in Canada, my sense of loss has grown more intense and there's anxiety along with that. I was thinking the other day "I've gone a whole season...all winter...without my love" and it really is hitting home. We both loved spring so much; and it sounds like you and your Joe did as well. Maybe spring is particularly poignant because of the association of new life and renewal; and yet we feel losses and endings. It's sad. Given other comments here, and my own experience, I think we can probably expect to feel intense emotions around those changes in season. I'm not sure why I feel the anxiety along with the sadness, but I've read that anxiety is not unusual when dealing with the loss of a loved one. I truly just try and take it one day at a time and when I start to panic from the anxiety, I tell myself I'll get through it. I hope that you find some peace out there in New England. Take care; my thoughts are with you. -Susan-
  13. Hi Bren: My thoughts are with you. You said exactly what I feel about missing my Dale. I have his picture on my dresser and every morning, that's what I wake up to. It's a hard road we are on when what we have left are pictures and memories of those whose hearts beat as one with our own. I can only tell you how sorry I am; I know how it feels, as does everyone on this site. I find it helpful to come here every day and read what others say; and at least try to offer some measure of comfort when I'm able to. You take care. Susan
  14. Thanks for the kind words of support. I told a friend yesterday that I think I've been in shock for months and now its wearing off. Because my partner died suddenly on a job site 500 miles away from me, the loss had this surreal feeling to it. Many times in the first weeks, I felt like I was watching myself in a movie. I think that the full impact is just starting to hit me now. Susan.
  15. I don't post very often here, but it does help to read. I lost my Dale almost 5 months ago, and today, the pain of the loss is worse than it's ever been. Every single memory floods back; and I don't want to remember, because I find it so painful. I All I know is that I'll never, ever see him again, and I feel like "I can't do this." I honestly don't know how to get trough it. No one can take away the pain, I know, I just need to get it out there; I don't feel like I will survive this and I honestly don't even know if I want to. Thanks for reading. Any advie is welcome. Susan
  16. Hi Teny: As others have said, no need to apologize at all. I feel for you and I cry for you. People have told me that time will heal. I actually don't really believe that. Like you are missing your love, I know that I will miss my partner, Dale, for the rest of my life. He died in October 2009 and the pain is devastating. I'm not so sure it will get all that better. I only know that I just live with it. All I can say is that I know how you feel. The loss of such a love has felt to me like it killed my soul, but my body still lives, that's what is so hard about this. My heart is with you, believe me...I send you hugs across the miles...from Canada. Susan
  17. Hi Again Richard: Please don't worry that you aren't giving back; you give simply by reaching out and I thank you for doing so. For some reason, our horrible pain can at least take on some meaning, if we help others. When I first heard of Dale's death, I literally was like a wet rag and hanging on for dear life to everyone else I cared for. My friends and family virtually had to take turns holding me in their arms, I could not be left without human touch. I couldn't take care of anyone, I could only try and take care of myself; and did not so well at that. So, you just hang on and get support from others. I hear you....I hate living only on the instinct to survive while feeling like my soul has died. In a way, it has, or at least part of our souls have died and the pain is beyond belief. If I can help you through this just a little, I will...and so will others in this group and around you. My thoughts and my tears are with you. Susan.
  18. Hi Richard: My thoughts are with you. I know what it is like to be devastated when you lose a soulmate. I lost my longtime partner suddenly 4 months ago, and just this morning, I was asking myself "How can I go on when my spirit has died." I feel that my spirit died along with my partner. I am told that the spark of my spirit is still there, but it doesn't feel like it. You are not burdening anyone in this group; certainly you aren't burdening me. We are here because we all know the pain of losing someone so close to us. The story and details may be different, of course, but I understand just how intense your pain is. I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Believe me, I cry for you because I know how it feels. None of us, perhaps, knows just how to get through it. Right now, I honestly put one foot in front of the other. I try not to project too much into the future, because I totally freak out if I do that. Some days, I feel like "I can't do this anymore." but I have done it for four months. I guess all I'm going on right now is that instinct to survive. Perhaps, it may get better one day, I truly don't know, although others say it will get better. The only advice I can really give is to get all the support and love you can. Post here lots, if you can; it will help. Again, I am sorry for your pain. I wish you didn't have to go through this; this is one group, like they say, that no one wants to join. Susan
  19. Dale and I met 20 years ago and it was like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. We had a piece of land and a house we were renovating in the country in Saskatchewan. We were planning on early retirement because he had spent 10 years on the road and we so wanted to be together. I'm 53 and he was 10 years older. He was in Alberta when i got word he'd had a heart attack and was g...

  20. Dear Billhare: My thoughts and my heart stands with you in your grief. The people here, including myself, know what you're going through. I know what you mean that you were still deeply in love after 33 years. I was thinking about that the other day. My partner, Dale, and I were still very much "in love" after 20 years. And I do know what you mean when you say it actually seems to get worse. It's rather like facing eternal emptiness; at least that is how I describe it. I cannot make you feel better, although I wish I could. What I can do is bear witness to your pain. Across many miles, I think of you and I cry for you. If that can help ease the burden of your pain one iota, then that is a good thing. Keep posting. Susan.
  21. Hi RJ's Girl: First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved. I'm pretty new to this myself, so I won't give "advice" or anything like that, but I will say this: I'm glad you've joined this group. I really have only one friend who is able and willing to go the distance with me as I grieve. He's been wonderful and has cried and laughed and hugged me and assured me. Although others have been somewhat helpful, they obviously just do not understand the depth of our pain and despair. So, in coming here, we can get support and give support. We may be miles apart and have different stories and lives, but we all know the pain of losing our beloved. My heart is with you. You take care. Susan
  22. Hi Everyone: I've just registered for this group. In October, my partner of 20 years died suddenly. He was 500 miles away on a job site when he died. I just want to touch base and read what others who experience loss are feeling and how they "cope." I'm almost paralyzed with grief some days and there are already people in my life who seem to think I should be "over it" and moving on. I will never get over this. What I might learn to do is integrate the loss and sadness into my life...to turn it into something I can at least live with. In the meantime, I am having panic attacks and sometimes feel like I'm going to die. All I know is that I'm never, ever going to see him again and the thought breaks my heart. Thanks for letting me write about this. I think it's hard for anyone who's not gone through this to understand the intense pain. Sue
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