bflyrn

I feel like I'm in this phase where things are good for a couple days, then I sleep a lot, barely get extra errands run, feel completely drained. Then I can't sleep for a couple days. I have one reminder of my dad and I'm fine but then another just triggers the tears to flow. The part that sucks is thinking I'm doing better then realizing I'm still not. At this point, I don't know what I can do. Everyone has already heard my depressing stories, I feel like I can't keep going with them. But damn it, I miss my dad! It probably still hurts because I just had a birthday. I just don't know how to handle the rest of my life without him.

The 14th is my birthday. My dad died in January. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either because my dad is not here. I feel like he is the one or at least the first person that made me feel special. I still can't believe he's gone and I have to finish my years on this earth without him. I don't even feel like celebrating. How can you celebrate when one of the most important people in you life is gone? I completely understand. bflyrn

If it is any consolation, my husband and I are as close as two people can be. My best friend said, he was very much the other half of me. When my father died in January, I was completely inconsolable. I withdrew from everyone. My world came crashing down. I could imagine that she feels the same way, especially if she doesn't have all the support that I was lucky enough to have. Just let her know you're there whenever she needs you. Don't judge, don't discuss whether or not what her brother and father are doing is right. If she comes to you to talk, just listen. That will help her more than she will know. Just like everyone else, I can't promise she's going to come back to you, but that's the best way to help. Maybe you can suggest a site like this, it's helped me, even when my husband couldn't. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your girlfriend, bflyrn

Wow! I am finding pieces of myself in everyone else's posts. I'm so glad to know that there's someone out there understands although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I guess the thing to remember is it wouldn't hurt so much if they didn't mean so much to us. I feel like I need to stop looking at what I've lost and remember how much I had. Some people aren't lucky enough to have a parent like that. We were. For that I am eternally grateful. bflyrn

Thank all of you for your kind words. I will definitely write a letter to my dad, it sounds like a good way to tell him everything else I couldn't. I do believe he is watching over me. As a matter of fact, my father liked inclement weather. He used to belong to a group that volunteered their help when natural disasters struck. He loved snow and after he passed, we had several weeks of more snow than we'd seen in this area in awhile. I, in my better moments, would talk to my loved ones and tell them that my dad was having God "hit us hard" because he'd think it was funny. To niamh, I don't mean to second guess your father's treatment or give any excuses. I know nothing I can say is going to help but in my limited experience, if the ER was overcrowded like it tends to be frequently here (thanks to the bad economy), there's a good chance they put your dad in the hall on a gurney because they saw nothing life-threatening happening. I'm not saying it's the right thing. Coming from the stand point of a nurse, I always want everything done in the best way for my patients. Unfortunately, we work with what we have. Anytime a patient doesn't at the very least, improve, let alone get worse, we examine everything we do under our mental microscopes to see if there was something we could've done, anything we might have missed. I hope nothing I'm saying offends you. I just hope maybe I can take away some guilt, even if it's just a tiny bit. I don't say this because I was trained by my employer. It's not a script I learned. I speak strait from the heart. I learned my best nursing skills (caring) from my dad. He was a firefighter and an emergency medical technician. So I guess I'm very much my father's daughter. It just sucks because I life close to a firehouse and everytime I hear that siren, it reminds me that he's gone. Thank you all for your support, Bflyrn

I know this is stupid. I'm beating myself up. The nurse in me is in the back of my head; I recognize the stages of grief. It doesn't help. I just can't help but play over in my head when I saw my dad last while he was "mostly there" (as much as he could be after so many strokes). It was Christmas day 2009. He was at home with Hospice. He had lost his ability to get up. He could move his arms somewhat, but couldn't grasp anything. I brought some peanut butter cookies for everyone. I made sure to get a couple for him and helped hold them so he could eat them. I worked with him to open and close his hands, pick up his arms and move his legs-it's what we call range of motion-it helps keep people from loosing those abilities. I remember talking to him in that nursing voice, telling him that he needed to work on moving his arms and legs. I told him "maybe by next Christmas, you will be able to hold the cookies yourself." Why did I say that? I remember thinking as soon as I said that, I didn't think he'd make it to next Christmas. Despite this thought I still left after an hour and a half at my parents to go to my in-laws. Why didn't I stay all day long? Of course I had my list of excuses as to why I had to leave so soon. It was a 2 hour drive home and I have 2 dogs at home, I couldn't stay because my family are chain-smokers and I was getting a headache, my sister was driving me crazy, my in-laws were waiting on us to start dinner. None of that should've mattered. I knew my time left with him was short, why didn't I just stay longer? I should've been camping out at my parents house. We had just moved 2 hours away in November and the drives back and forth were wearing on me but I should've endured one more. God, I wish I would've said screw going to my in-laws! I wish I could've kept the dogs in a kennel and stayed a couple days. I know I can't change it now, but I should've thought about it then!!! Just like one of the other members, I'm 32 years old and I just want my Daddy.

I can relate. Some days I'm just angry that life is going on without my dad. I'm 32, my dad died after several strokes. I can't be mad about how dad died. He was at home, where he wanted to be. I even knew his time was short but now I can't fathom how much pain and emptiness I could feel at once. I took 3 weeks off work. I'm a nurse and I'm amazed I can do my job now. It's like i'm on autopilot because I do take care of my patients. I don't want to be there; a lot of my job reminds me of my dad. I see patients that remind me of him. Being a nurse I know I'm supposed to grieve. I know I'll eventually feel less pain. I understand that but that's not what I feel. I'm jealous of people that dream of their loved ones. Even my mom dreams of my dad all the time. I haven't. I would give anything for ten more minutes with him. Bflyrn

I understand how you feel. My dad passed about 4 1/2 weeks ago. I feel like everyone should stop their lives because my father is gone. Don't they understand the impact this has on the world? The first and one of the most important men in my life is gone forever and people think I should be getting over it. I feel sometimes like I can't bring his name up because people think I should move on. Everyone in my family seems to be doing so much better and I still struggle to get out of bed each day. I feel like if I don't feel this pain then it's like he didn't matter. Don't think that love is gone, you have it. Just as I have my dad's love. Take your time. No one can understand how hard this is. Ask those people how they would feel if they lost someone important if they could just get over it. I'll tell you the first thing I was told when I went back to work: It's hard. Do what you have to. Take care of yourself.

My dad passed on January 27, 2010. He had several strokes before this one took him. I miss my dad very much. I was one of the only people I knew growing up that had my dad there for me. I was always told by my friends that I was lucky. That makes this emptiness feel as large as a black hole. Not that I don't appreciate what I had, I know how wonderful my father was. He was my hero, my mentor and my moral compass. I have an added problem that before his last two strokes, I had just moved with my husband to a city 2 hours from everyone I know. My family says I'm lucky that I'm far enough away that I don't have to be reminded so frequently. I just makes me feel more alone. It's like that hole in my heart is bigger because I'm not near friends and family. My husband, bless him, has been there for me as much as he can but he's in law school (why we moved). He's guilt ridden because he has to spend so much time studying and he wants to be with me. My family thinks I'm the strong one. I started back to work last week. I took all my effort to go. It doesn't help I'm a nurse. I was on a floor that had a patient that reminded me of my dad. Sometimes I think I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I won't quit but it takes everything I have to work right now. I thought about staying off work for longer, but all I will do is sit at home, think of my dad and cry. I know it helps but my head hurt from crying so much. Will I ever be able to listen to a radio or watch tv and not cry because something reminds me of my dad? Will I be able to talk about my dad without feeling this empty pain at some time? I know the answers to these questions, I just know it doesn't feel like it right now.