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ARiddle729

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About ARiddle729

  • Birthday 07/29/1965

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    02/13/2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hope Hospice Claremore OK

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Claremore, Oklahoma
  1. Thank you for all your words of comfort. It really helps to just write about some of these issues. I know everyone here understands and I mean really and truly understands. Many people out in the world tell me they understand, but the ones who really do are few and far between. TerryY, you are not the first who I have heard say that someone compared this loss to divorce. I can't believe someone could even think the two situations were the same. But I guess that just goes to show how people think they understand but they really don't. I love your story about the waitress in the restaurant. And yes my memory totally stinks. I remember my kids names (may not always use the right one on the right kid) but don't ask me to remember much beyond that. I can't concentrate either. I do know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt - God is in control. It is easy to forget that in times like these, but when I stop to reflect on this, I do see His hand all over my life. He guides my steps and lights my path and He gives me the strength to bear this burden.
  2. Never has it been more clear to me what everyone says about how with marriage "2 become 1." My husband and I were together since the age of 17. We never knew who we were without each other. We just evolved into the single entity that was US. We were together constantly and never grew tired of each other (not trying to claim everything was "perfect" but we were very happy). Rarely, were we apart for even hours and I can't even remember the last time we were apart over night - had to have been 15 years ago or more. Since we also ran a business together, we were not even apart for work. We were literally ONE. So, when I lost Dan 5 1/2 weeks ago, every single aspect of my life suffered a huge loss. Since we were one, I am now only 1/2. It has been tough filling Dan's roles at home and especially at work. His illness kept us away from our business as we traveled over the past year and 1/2 for treatments. The added payroll expense, the crumbling economy, and the change in the market of our business has left it struggling to even break even, much less provide me a paycheck. Most weeks, I am left scrambling to cover the business expenses and with nothing to cover my personal bills. Dan received a disability check the past 2 years and that at least paid most of our personal bills. Without that, there is no money for personal bills. Now, I not only have this financial crisis, but I am all alone making the decisions and doing all the work to keep the business going. With our absence, many aspects of the business have been neglected. So, there is a stock pile of maintenance, storage inventory, and other items that need my attention. The same is true at my home. Things have been neglected, junk has continued to accumulate, many changes took place as we had to adapt to Dan's changing needs, such as the wheel chair, hospital bed and other equipment he required as his disease progressed. Sometimes, it is all too overwhelming. Since I am only 1/2 of a whole now, I do not understand how I am ever going to assume the roles of 2 individuals. I am at the point now where I have to discover who I am or at least who I am going to become. I don't ever want a me without him. However, I am reconciled to the fact that Dan is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. Therefore, I have to accept it. Just as the Serenity Prayer says I am also praying for the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and cannot change. Dan told me that the only thing he wanted was for me to be happy, go on living, be there for my kids and grand kids, and to enjoy every moment until we meet again. I am trying to fulfill his wish, but he never told me it would be this hard.
  3. Hi Terry, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on February 13 of this year. So, we are at about the same point in our journey and I really can't tell you anything you don't know. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and I wish you didn't have to find this place. I don't come here every day, but I try to check in and read the posts every week or so. It is very helpful. I am lost and confused just as you are. My husband lost a 3 year battle with cancer that was also Stage 4 before it was discovered. When it was found, he had more cancer tissue in his liver than he did liver tissue. I feel blessed to have had him for 3 more years. The last year I learned so much about him and grew to love him more than I ever imagined possible. Everyone says what we are feeling is "normal." Of course, we both know there is no such thing as normal anymore. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you Angie
  4. So sorry to hear of your loss and so suddenly too makes it all the more painful. I lost my husband a little over 1 month ago and it is just almost too much to bear at times. I think the biggest shock for me at first was the actual physical pain that I felt. I have lost family members and even a still born baby girl, but nothing has ever hurt like this physically and emotionally. The next big shock I had was the effect simple little things had on me. Something as trivial as noticing the screw that Dan put in the door trim last summer can set me off in a crying fit and I never know when or where they are going to hit. I wish you all the best. Angie
  5. Frank, Thank you for sharing that. The title immediately caught my attention because when I begin to feel sorry for myself, I have always been one to try to remind myself that there is always someone worse off. Doris certainly seems to be in a very rough spot. I can't imagine having to deal with all of her medical issues while going through this grief. This has been the worst week I have had since Dan passed away. But honestly, I am very blessed in many ways. I had an aunt who died about 10 days before my husband. I was very close to this aunt. Her youngest daughter and I were best friends all through childhood and she loved her mother dearly. But my two older cousins didn't even seem to care for their mother. I still don't know if the oldest daughter even knows yet that her mother passed away. My aunt was terminally ill for several years, so it is not like it was some unexpected death. Yet, the daughter never called or visited her mom (she lives maybe 4 hours away) and no one had any contact info for her to be able to let her know about the death. There was no big family fight, no drug use by the daughter of which I am aware, she just didn't seem to have a desire to be close to her mom. I don't understand it. Without family, we have nothing. I am having a little in-law drama right now, not any fighting with me personally, but major problems within their immediate family and involving me indirectly. Reading your story just makes me see even more how important it is that families try to find resolutions for their problems. We never know how much time we have left. Take care Angie
  6. Sometimes people just can't understand how an animal can hold such an esteemed place in our hearts. I always thought I was the type who would say "it is just a cat (or a dog) replace it." and I did have that attitude with a few animals. But I had one special little shih-tzu named Missy who died a little over 2 years ago and I still grieve for her. She cared for no one like she did me. Talk about unconditional love. My favorite thing was how she would stay balled up in her little corner every day, but when it came time to watch TV on the sofa in the evening, I would get out my blanket and she always sensed when it was time. She would be overwhelmed with joy and snuggle up with me. She suffered a spine injury and had mobility problems for a few years. These steadily got worse and the last few months were especially difficult. She would drag her little body through so much to be next to me.(often I would carry her strapped to my chest in a baby sling so she could stay near me without the torture of dragging herself from room to room) I considered putting her to sleep many times and just couldn't, mainly because of the undeniable elation she expressed at snuggle time. Until the very end, no matter how much pain or discomfort she had, when that purple blankie came out so did she. Finally, one day her diapers were filled with blood and I had to face the inevitable. The vet assured me it was the right decision that she had some serious issues and was only suffering. I never thought it would effect me like it did. I chose to be in the room and hold her in the end, but I cried so hard. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her for cremation so I brought her little body home, wrapped her in our purple blankie and buried her in the yard. Missy will always be in my heart...I got another little shih-tzu and he tries hard. He likes to be right by my side, sleeps with me, and gets so happy when I come home. But he isn't Missy. There are disagreements over whether we can reunite with pets in the afterlife. But I really like what a young man said to me once, that the Bible tells us Heaven will be filled with things we love...so if a pet is what made you happy in life, that pet will be waiting for you on the other side. So I don't know if all my pets will be there, but I like to think that Missy will be. ((HUGS)) to you.
  7. Nats...so sorry for your loss. I, too, am at week 4. My husband passed away February 13, after battling stage 4 colon cancer for 3 years. The last few months were really rough, but even when the end came it was so much faster than I expected. I am glad he didn't have extreme suffering for months on end, but I was just so unprepared for the loss. This site and another one I joined have helped me a lot. It helps to talk about your pain, ask questions, and just vent sometimes. I don't know if you have found this to be true, but one thing that really took me by surprise was how much the "little" things hurt. I dealt with some big issues, like clearing the closet, putting away his medications, toiletries, etc. I even made it through the dreaded 1 month anniversary. But those silly little things blindside me and I never know when they will happen. Things like finding a pack of gum he left in the console of the car, seeing a movie out on DVD that he had wanted to see when too sick to go to the theater - these things tear me apart. And doing my laundry that first week...I barely had enough for a load and it was so heartbreaking not to have his clothes to wash. Everyone tells us time will help. I don't think time actually heals because I can't imagine missing him any less in 5 years than I do today. But I do believe that we will adapt to the change and make the necessary accommodations to help cover this gaping hole left by the loss of our soul mates. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers Angie
  8. Thank you for all the input. It is extremely helpful. DeeGee, It sounds like you think a lot like I do. As much as I love them ALL, I feel I do need some quiet time. I am not rushing any decisions and haven't really discussed it much with the kids. Eventually, we will probably have to talk about them staying somewhere else at least part of the time. My son just started their house this week, but since he is building alone and working full-time and has to watch the girls while their mom works, it will be a slow process. I try to help them out with the girls as much as I can, but it is just hard to do right now and harder still since they are here 24/7. I am sure my kids will understand that sometimes I need space. I really don't mind just locking myself up in my bed room but sometimes I just want to relax in my own living room too. In fact, the past 2 nights, I laid on my sofa and watched a couple of tv shows that I wanted to watch in the living room - the kids were there too just not in control. Generally, I would much rather read and let everyone else watch whatever they want, but I just can't concentrate right now so I decided I was taking charge of the remote and that is what I did. I actually slept pretty well those 2 nights for the first time since Dan passed away. I don't know if it was getting to relax and wind down somewhere besides my bed room or if it just caught up with me finally. I will find out tonight I guess.
  9. Just wanted to share this really amazing and wonderful thing that happened today. First, a little background, it has been a very tough week financially. As I have shared before, I am now alone in trying to run a business that is struggling financially as well as being left with mounting bills and expenses from my husband’s illness. I had to pay some really ridiculous and unplanned bills this week, plus my heater went out and I had to come up with the money to repair that. In addition, the store has been extremely slow and I had to purchase extra supplies this week. So, basically there is not enough money coming in to cover what is going out. I spent all day yesterday juggling finances and deciding what I could and couldn’t pay. Well, needless to say, that left me quite depressed and with too many unpaid bills. I go to the post office this morning and receive a sympathy card in the mail. There is no return address, but it is postmarked from a town about 75 miles from me. Inside the card are five 100-dollar bills! The card is from a lady whom I have never met, nor have I even heard her name before and she only signed her first name, not her full name. She does not explain how she knows of me or got my address. She only offers words of comfort and says that she is 80 years old and just lost her husband in January. I could only cry when reading this card. Other than that, I know nothing about this person, but somehow I sense that $500 is not something she throws around lightly. I just do not have any words to explain what I am feeling. I am working on finding out who this woman is and have a pretty good idea that she attends church with one of my relatives. This should be easy enough to confirm with just her first name, her age, and the fact that her husband recently passed away. I hope my relative is able to get her address for me. I am a person of faith, but when things like this happen it is just such a reaffirmation of that faith. I do not know why God has chosen to provide for me and comfort me in the many ways He has these past weeks (months and years actually). I do not deserve it and have no explanation for it. But I know it is He who guides my path and provides what I need to help me through this awful patch. Thanks for letting me share something good today Angie
  10. Lucia, I wish you all the best. I am so happy you have an opportunity to test this new situation out. It is so hard to know what the "right" thing is. I just read you reply in my post "Should I be Alone now?" Thank you so much for that. Your words comforted and inspired me. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I am not the only one who is experiencing this awful, new way of life. You have been through so much. It all can be overwhelming at times. Good luck to you. Angie
  11. I had to smile when I read this. I know exactly where you are coming from. Dan also had major trouble with appetite his last few months and we tried all kinds of foods and drinks to find things he could tolerate. We had to travel 560 miles from home to seek treatment the past year and a half. While away from home, we stayed in a motor home. When the end was near, Dan had to return home in an ambulance and the motor home was left behind. A family member later went down and brought it back for us. So, it was a couple of weeks before I emptied out the motor home. When I did, removing all those special foods was harder on me than cleaning out his closet at home. I am also learning that the mental approach does make a big difference. Just sometimes things sneak up on me and I don't realize that a planned approach is needed until it is too late to prepare one.
  12. From what I understand, it is very normal to question your faith after the loss of a loved one, especially so suddenly and so young. When I lost my grandfather(years ago) I can remember those feelings of anger and wanting to yell at God, "Why did you take my Grandpa?!!!" I somehow overcame that and have strong faith now. I recently lost my husband and feel blessed that it has not shaken my faith - in fact, I feel my faith will be stronger when I emerge from the grief. However, I have also experienced many periods of doubt in my faith through the years. What has really helped me is to focus on the blessings I have in life and to examine those "coincidences" in life that have worked out good for me. Yes, there have been lots of bad times too, but I try not to focus on them. I know easier said than done. But, the blessings and especially those "coincidences" have helped me see that God is there, does care, and helps me through the difficulties. I do not know why some question their faith while others cling to it. I would suggest that you talk to a member of the clergy. They continually deal with these types of questions and doubts while ministering to grieving families. They can certainly help you find answers better than I can. I hope you find that sought after peace and comfort you so desperately need right now. And I encourage you to explore your faith and the doubts you are having. Angie
  13. Frank G - That is WONDERFUL! It makes me feel good to read things like this. I am happy for you and your granddaughter. CONGRATULATIONS to her!!!
  14. Teny, I agree with Phyllis. No need to apologize to us newcomers. I am probably one of the newest on here. My grief is still very fresh, but reading posts from many of you who are still having problems after so many months, makes me realize that this is not going to pass quickly. I will not be disillusioned into thinking I can go 6 months or a year and suddenly life is all better. This is one reason I reached out to this group and will continue to do so. I hope finding this support early on will help me handle each new step as it comes. I am thankful to you and others like you who have experience with this and are willing to share and help us newbies. Thank you Angie
  15. Roxy, You are wise beyond your years. I admire your strength and determination to do the best in this situation. Just wanted to comment on the above quote....I know exactly the type of person you mean. I come from a long line of them. Men especially and women also in my family are definitely not the sentimental-touchy-feeling type. I myself am having to struggle to overcome that nature. We can seem so cold, but inside thoughts and feelings are struggling to get out and just WILL NOT pass through the vocal cords. There are so many times I wanted to share some raw emotions with my husband and I just couldn't do it. Often, emotions and anger at myself came out as anger toward him. I knew it was happening and still couldn't stop it. Outwardly, I seemed like such a cold, uncaring person - always seemed mad at the world and under constant pressure. My husband never gave up on me. He put up with so much, was nothing but supportive, and continually expressed his wishes for my happiness. So, even if your dad is never able to tell you how much he loves you, never able to share his pain with you, and never able to change that attitude, he is listening to what you are saying. Your expressions of love and encouragement are working on him. You are making a difference. I hope you do see a change in his nature and his is able to start sharing with you, but if he doesn't change, it is not your fault. You are doing exactly right by trying. My husband worked on me for a long time and it didn't change my outward expressions. But inwardly, I was deeply effected by his expressions of love and caring and it is starting to show a little outwardly in the way I relate to those I love now. Best of luck Angie
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