ARiddle729

Thank you for all your words of comfort. It really helps to just write about some of these issues. I know everyone here understands and I mean really and truly understands. Many people out in the world tell me they understand, but the ones who really do are few and far between. TerryY, you are not the first who I have heard say that someone compared this loss to divorce. I can't believe someone could even think the two situations were the same. But I guess that just goes to show how people think they understand but they really don't. I love your story about the waitress in the restaurant. And yes my memory totally stinks. I remember my kids names (may not always use the right one on the right kid) but don't ask me to remember much beyond that. I can't concentrate either. I do know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt - God is in control. It is easy to forget that in times like these, but when I stop to reflect on this, I do see His hand all over my life. He guides my steps and lights my path and He gives me the strength to bear this burden.

Never has it been more clear to me what everyone says about how with marriage "2 become 1." My husband and I were together since the age of 17. We never knew who we were without each other. We just evolved into the single entity that was US. We were together constantly and never grew tired of each other (not trying to claim everything was "perfect" but we were very happy). Rarely, were we apart for even hours and I can't even remember the last time we were apart over night - had to have been 15 years ago or more. Since we also ran a business together, we were not even apart for work. We were literally ONE. So, when I lost Dan 5 1/2 weeks ago, every single aspect of my life suffered a huge loss. Since we were one, I am now only 1/2. It has been tough filling Dan's roles at home and especially at work. His illness kept us away from our business as we traveled over the past year and 1/2 for treatments. The added payroll expense, the crumbling economy, and the change in the market of our business has left it struggling to even break even, much less provide me a paycheck. Most weeks, I am left scrambling to cover the business expenses and with nothing to cover my personal bills. Dan received a disability check the past 2 years and that at least paid most of our personal bills. Without that, there is no money for personal bills. Now, I not only have this financial crisis, but I am all alone making the decisions and doing all the work to keep the business going. With our absence, many aspects of the business have been neglected. So, there is a stock pile of maintenance, storage inventory, and other items that need my attention. The same is true at my home. Things have been neglected, junk has continued to accumulate, many changes took place as we had to adapt to Dan's changing needs, such as the wheel chair, hospital bed and other equipment he required as his disease progressed. Sometimes, it is all too overwhelming. Since I am only 1/2 of a whole now, I do not understand how I am ever going to assume the roles of 2 individuals. I am at the point now where I have to discover who I am or at least who I am going to become. I don't ever want a me without him. However, I am reconciled to the fact that Dan is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. Therefore, I have to accept it. Just as the Serenity Prayer says I am also praying for the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and cannot change. Dan told me that the only thing he wanted was for me to be happy, go on living, be there for my kids and grand kids, and to enjoy every moment until we meet again. I am trying to fulfill his wish, but he never told me it would be this hard.

Hi Terry, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on February 13 of this year. So, we are at about the same point in our journey and I really can't tell you anything you don't know. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and I wish you didn't have to find this place. I don't come here every day, but I try to check in and read the posts every week or so. It is very helpful. I am lost and confused just as you are. My husband lost a 3 year battle with cancer that was also Stage 4 before it was discovered. When it was found, he had more cancer tissue in his liver than he did liver tissue. I feel blessed to have had him for 3 more years. The last year I learned so much about him and grew to love him more than I ever imagined possible. Everyone says what we are feeling is "normal." Of course, we both know there is no such thing as normal anymore. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you Angie

So sorry to hear of your loss and so suddenly too makes it all the more painful. I lost my husband a little over 1 month ago and it is just almost too much to bear at times. I think the biggest shock for me at first was the actual physical pain that I felt. I have lost family members and even a still born baby girl, but nothing has ever hurt like this physically and emotionally. The next big shock I had was the effect simple little things had on me. Something as trivial as noticing the screw that Dan put in the door trim last summer can set me off in a crying fit and I never know when or where they are going to hit. I wish you all the best. Angie

Frank, Thank you for sharing that. The title immediately caught my attention because when I begin to feel sorry for myself, I have always been one to try to remind myself that there is always someone worse off. Doris certainly seems to be in a very rough spot. I can't imagine having to deal with all of her medical issues while going through this grief. This has been the worst week I have had since Dan passed away. But honestly, I am very blessed in many ways. I had an aunt who died about 10 days before my husband. I was very close to this aunt. Her youngest daughter and I were best friends all through childhood and she loved her mother dearly. But my two older cousins didn't even seem to care for their mother. I still don't know if the oldest daughter even knows yet that her mother passed away. My aunt was terminally ill for several years, so it is not like it was some unexpected death. Yet, the daughter never called or visited her mom (she lives maybe 4 hours away) and no one had any contact info for her to be able to let her know about the death. There was no big family fight, no drug use by the daughter of which I am aware, she just didn't seem to have a desire to be close to her mom. I don't understand it. Without family, we have nothing. I am having a little in-law drama right now, not any fighting with me personally, but major problems within their immediate family and involving me indirectly. Reading your story just makes me see even more how important it is that families try to find resolutions for their problems. We never know how much time we have left. Take care Angie

Sometimes people just can't understand how an animal can hold such an esteemed place in our hearts. I always thought I was the type who would say "it is just a cat (or a dog) replace it." and I did have that attitude with a few animals. But I had one special little shih-tzu named Missy who died a little over 2 years ago and I still grieve for her. She cared for no one like she did me. Talk about unconditional love. My favorite thing was how she would stay balled up in her little corner every day, but when it came time to watch TV on the sofa in the evening, I would get out my blanket and she always sensed when it was time. She would be overwhelmed with joy and snuggle up with me. She suffered a spine injury and had mobility problems for a few years. These steadily got worse and the last few months were especially difficult. She would drag her little body through so much to be next to me.(often I would carry her strapped to my chest in a baby sling so she could stay near me without the torture of dragging herself from room to room) I considered putting her to sleep many times and just couldn't, mainly because of the undeniable elation she expressed at snuggle time. Until the very end, no matter how much pain or discomfort she had, when that purple blankie came out so did she. Finally, one day her diapers were filled with blood and I had to face the inevitable. The vet assured me it was the right decision that she had some serious issues and was only suffering. I never thought it would effect me like it did. I chose to be in the room and hold her in the end, but I cried so hard. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her for cremation so I brought her little body home, wrapped her in our purple blankie and buried her in the yard. Missy will always be in my heart...I got another little shih-tzu and he tries hard. He likes to be right by my side, sleeps with me, and gets so happy when I come home. But he isn't Missy. There are disagreements over whether we can reunite with pets in the afterlife. But I really like what a young man said to me once, that the Bible tells us Heaven will be filled with things we love...so if a pet is what made you happy in life, that pet will be waiting for you on the other side. So I don't know if all my pets will be there, but I like to think that Missy will be. ((HUGS)) to you.

Nats...so sorry for your loss. I, too, am at week 4. My husband passed away February 13, after battling stage 4 colon cancer for 3 years. The last few months were really rough, but even when the end came it was so much faster than I expected. I am glad he didn't have extreme suffering for months on end, but I was just so unprepared for the loss. This site and another one I joined have helped me a lot. It helps to talk about your pain, ask questions, and just vent sometimes. I don't know if you have found this to be true, but one thing that really took me by surprise was how much the "little" things hurt. I dealt with some big issues, like clearing the closet, putting away his medications, toiletries, etc. I even made it through the dreaded 1 month anniversary. But those silly little things blindside me and I never know when they will happen. Things like finding a pack of gum he left in the console of the car, seeing a movie out on DVD that he had wanted to see when too sick to go to the theater - these things tear me apart. And doing my laundry that first week...I barely had enough for a load and it was so heartbreaking not to have his clothes to wash. Everyone tells us time will help. I don't think time actually heals because I can't imagine missing him any less in 5 years than I do today. But I do believe that we will adapt to the change and make the necessary accommodations to help cover this gaping hole left by the loss of our soul mates. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers Angie

Thank you for all the input. It is extremely helpful. DeeGee, It sounds like you think a lot like I do. As much as I love them ALL, I feel I do need some quiet time. I am not rushing any decisions and haven't really discussed it much with the kids. Eventually, we will probably have to talk about them staying somewhere else at least part of the time. My son just started their house this week, but since he is building alone and working full-time and has to watch the girls while their mom works, it will be a slow process. I try to help them out with the girls as much as I can, but it is just hard to do right now and harder still since they are here 24/7. I am sure my kids will understand that sometimes I need space. I really don't mind just locking myself up in my bed room but sometimes I just want to relax in my own living room too. In fact, the past 2 nights, I laid on my sofa and watched a couple of tv shows that I wanted to watch in the living room - the kids were there too just not in control. Generally, I would much rather read and let everyone else watch whatever they want, but I just can't concentrate right now so I decided I was taking charge of the remote and that is what I did. I actually slept pretty well those 2 nights for the first time since Dan passed away. I don't know if it was getting to relax and wind down somewhere besides my bed room or if it just caught up with me finally. I will find out tonight I guess.

Just wanted to share this really amazing and wonderful thing that happened today. First, a little background, it has been a very tough week financially. As I have shared before, I am now alone in trying to run a business that is struggling financially as well as being left with mounting bills and expenses from my husband’s illness. I had to pay some really ridiculous and unplanned bills this week, plus my heater went out and I had to come up with the money to repair that. In addition, the store has been extremely slow and I had to purchase extra supplies this week. So, basically there is not enough money coming in to cover what is going out. I spent all day yesterday juggling finances and deciding what I could and couldn’t pay. Well, needless to say, that left me quite depressed and with too many unpaid bills. I go to the post office this morning and receive a sympathy card in the mail. There is no return address, but it is postmarked from a town about 75 miles from me. Inside the card are five 100-dollar bills! The card is from a lady whom I have never met, nor have I even heard her name before and she only signed her first name, not her full name. She does not explain how she knows of me or got my address. She only offers words of comfort and says that she is 80 years old and just lost her husband in January. I could only cry when reading this card. Other than that, I know nothing about this person, but somehow I sense that $500 is not something she throws around lightly. I just do not have any words to explain what I am feeling. I am working on finding out who this woman is and have a pretty good idea that she attends church with one of my relatives. This should be easy enough to confirm with just her first name, her age, and the fact that her husband recently passed away. I hope my relative is able to get her address for me. I am a person of faith, but when things like this happen it is just such a reaffirmation of that faith. I do not know why God has chosen to provide for me and comfort me in the many ways He has these past weeks (months and years actually). I do not deserve it and have no explanation for it. But I know it is He who guides my path and provides what I need to help me through this awful patch. Thanks for letting me share something good today Angie

Lucia, I wish you all the best. I am so happy you have an opportunity to test this new situation out. It is so hard to know what the "right" thing is. I just read you reply in my post "Should I be Alone now?" Thank you so much for that. Your words comforted and inspired me. Sometimes, it is easy to forget that I am not the only one who is experiencing this awful, new way of life. You have been through so much. It all can be overwhelming at times. Good luck to you. Angie

I had to smile when I read this. I know exactly where you are coming from. Dan also had major trouble with appetite his last few months and we tried all kinds of foods and drinks to find things he could tolerate. We had to travel 560 miles from home to seek treatment the past year and a half. While away from home, we stayed in a motor home. When the end was near, Dan had to return home in an ambulance and the motor home was left behind. A family member later went down and brought it back for us. So, it was a couple of weeks before I emptied out the motor home. When I did, removing all those special foods was harder on me than cleaning out his closet at home. I am also learning that the mental approach does make a big difference. Just sometimes things sneak up on me and I don't realize that a planned approach is needed until it is too late to prepare one.

From what I understand, it is very normal to question your faith after the loss of a loved one, especially so suddenly and so young. When I lost my grandfather(years ago) I can remember those feelings of anger and wanting to yell at God, "Why did you take my Grandpa?!!!" I somehow overcame that and have strong faith now. I recently lost my husband and feel blessed that it has not shaken my faith - in fact, I feel my faith will be stronger when I emerge from the grief. However, I have also experienced many periods of doubt in my faith through the years. What has really helped me is to focus on the blessings I have in life and to examine those "coincidences" in life that have worked out good for me. Yes, there have been lots of bad times too, but I try not to focus on them. I know easier said than done. But, the blessings and especially those "coincidences" have helped me see that God is there, does care, and helps me through the difficulties. I do not know why some question their faith while others cling to it. I would suggest that you talk to a member of the clergy. They continually deal with these types of questions and doubts while ministering to grieving families. They can certainly help you find answers better than I can. I hope you find that sought after peace and comfort you so desperately need right now. And I encourage you to explore your faith and the doubts you are having. Angie

Frank G - That is WONDERFUL! It makes me feel good to read things like this. I am happy for you and your granddaughter. CONGRATULATIONS to her!!!

Teny, I agree with Phyllis. No need to apologize to us newcomers. I am probably one of the newest on here. My grief is still very fresh, but reading posts from many of you who are still having problems after so many months, makes me realize that this is not going to pass quickly. I will not be disillusioned into thinking I can go 6 months or a year and suddenly life is all better. This is one reason I reached out to this group and will continue to do so. I hope finding this support early on will help me handle each new step as it comes. I am thankful to you and others like you who have experience with this and are willing to share and help us newbies. Thank you Angie

Roxy, You are wise beyond your years. I admire your strength and determination to do the best in this situation. Just wanted to comment on the above quote....I know exactly the type of person you mean. I come from a long line of them. Men especially and women also in my family are definitely not the sentimental-touchy-feeling type. I myself am having to struggle to overcome that nature. We can seem so cold, but inside thoughts and feelings are struggling to get out and just WILL NOT pass through the vocal cords. There are so many times I wanted to share some raw emotions with my husband and I just couldn't do it. Often, emotions and anger at myself came out as anger toward him. I knew it was happening and still couldn't stop it. Outwardly, I seemed like such a cold, uncaring person - always seemed mad at the world and under constant pressure. My husband never gave up on me. He put up with so much, was nothing but supportive, and continually expressed his wishes for my happiness. So, even if your dad is never able to tell you how much he loves you, never able to share his pain with you, and never able to change that attitude, he is listening to what you are saying. Your expressions of love and encouragement are working on him. You are making a difference. I hope you do see a change in his nature and his is able to start sharing with you, but if he doesn't change, it is not your fault. You are doing exactly right by trying. My husband worked on me for a long time and it didn't change my outward expressions. But inwardly, I was deeply effected by his expressions of love and caring and it is starting to show a little outwardly in the way I relate to those I love now. Best of luck Angie

I am so confused and conflicted about everything right now. I don't even know where to start. I just lost my husband 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I don't even know what this grief will do to me or how I will react to it tomorrow. At times, I feel I am handling my grief better than I ever thought I could. I do feel like my husband prepared me for his death and helped me learn to be strong, optimistic, and filled with faith. I am so grateful to him for that. But it seems like there is a massive weight bearing down on me a little harder each day. I have so many decisions to make and tasks to complete, but do not feel mentally capable of doing any of it right now. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of choices. When I lost my soul mate, I lost my partner in EVERYTHING including business. We spent the last year and a half traveling out of state to seek treatment for my husband's cancer - because there was no treatment available anywhere closer. This devastated us financially and left our home and business neglected during that time. The nation's economic crisis had a big impact on our business also. So, now I am faced with mounting bills, a failing business, neglected personal and business properties, and a myriad of decisions to make all by myself. Not to mention it is tax time now and I do all of the accounting for our business and another business in which I am a partner (that business is also suffering financially.) So even though my world stopped, employees still want paid, payroll and sales tax reports still have to be filed, bill collectors still want their money, supplies still have to be ordered, the IRS must have its forms, etc, etc.... AND I have to decide what changes to make to get income flowing back into my businesses. On top of all this, I have trouble falling asleep at night, when I finally do fall asleep, I don't stay asleep, yet I still can't hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I can't concentrate on reading or television. If I try to watch a movie, I will be drifting off to sleep, yet if I turn it off and try to sleep, I find myself wide awake. I just feel like I am going to explode. How do we get back to a "normal" life? How do we make all of these decisions alone? I know some good sleep is also necessary to help with decision making and surviving the day. I do not want to take sleep meds or anxiety meds. As I said TV and reading no longer work (those used to be my sure fire methods to make me fall asleep). Have any of you found successful methods to sleep without the aid of medication? Too many questions and not enough answers. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Angie P.S. I also posted last week about conflicting emotions I was having about my grown son and his family staying with me right now. I am still dealing with that and having the grand kids around constantly. That can be a wonderful thing and also a stressful thing. I am working through that and although we haven't reached any concrete guidelines in that area, I feel we will get there.

Hi Roxy, I am sorry I can't offer you much in the way of advice, only support and ears to listen. I think you are doing the right thing by looking for the answers. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are to be commended for taking on some responsibility in your dad's time of need. Please do not blame yourself for the way your mother and father treated you when you were just a child. They were the parents and should have been the responsible ones to love and protect you. However, that is in the past and you should try to forgive your father and yourself for things that have happened. Put them behind you and do the best you can for him now. This is certainly too much for you to bear alone though. I hope you can find help in some of the ways others have suggested. I am glad you have a supportive husband, lean on him and accept all of his love and support. Keep searching for your answers and come to this site as often as you need to for advice, support, and listening people who understand your pain. I can tell you are really torn up with all of those emotions that are overwhelming you. Please make sure to take care of yourself and do NOT let this jeopardize your health and life. My husband recently passed away from cancer and I was so lucky that he put my mental and physical health above his always. He prepared me for life without him and I wish I could repay him. Maybe you can find a way to talk with your dad about the emotions you are feeling. Let him know you want to help him but that you have to be in good shape mentally and physically to do so. I know he cares for you and probably has his own feelings of guilt and regret for the past also. I believe in prayer and would like to pray for you and your father if you are not opposed to it. You didn't mention if you have any religious beliefs and I do not mean to impose any on you, but often faith and prayer can be a tremendous help in times like these. Best wishes and best of luck to you Angie

I just want to clarify that in my earlier post, I was in no way suggesting that prayer and Faith WILL bring you contentment. I only meant that I do believe prayer helps us through. No matter how strong we are in our faith, we have lost one half of our being and it hurts deeply. I myself have not experienced contentment. In fact, I am very confused and conflicted about many things in my life right now. I have only been surprised that I have handled the grief better than I expected that I would. At first, I was afraid I would be totally incapacitated. Now, I realize I can function on a daily basis. However, I can still be completely undone by some very simple reminder of Dan. I also agree with Kath when she said many of us feel initial numbness and even when we experience some peace, it does not take away the agonizing heart break. My first big surprise after Dan's death was the actual physical pain that I felt. My body and heart hurt so bad - I had never experienced anything like that through other family losses. So, even if I am somewhat at peace today, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Of course, the circumstances surrounding your spouse's death will effect your grieving also. My husband had cancer for 3 years and even though his rapid decline and death came much faster than expected, I still had time to tell him goodbye and how much I loved him. He also had time to prepare me for his death. His examples of strength, courage, optimism, and faith have helped me more than anything else. We were together for 28 years but I learned so much about his character during his illness. I had never before realized how truly amazing he was. Many people have told me that Dan was a true inspiration in their lives. The one thing he made perfectly clear to me was that he did not want me to fall into depression, cry for days, or stop living. One day, he told me, "I don't want you having a boo-hoo fest when I am gone. I want you to smile, laugh and have a party." So, on the days that I do not want to face the world, I try hard to remember this and do the best I can. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on but I just don't want anyone to think that I was suggesting that if you don't have peace and contentment, you don't have enough faith or say enough prayers. I do not believe this at all. I don't even know enough about this kind of grief yet to know what kind of shape I will be in a few months down the road. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to find peace and contentment from time to time. Somewhere on this site, a person posted that you cannot go "around" grief, you must go "through" it. I think of this often and it helps me focus on doing what I can to get "through" it one day at a time, instead of looking for a way "around" it. Best wishes to you all Angie

Hi, While I have not exactly experienced contentment, I am finding that I am handling the loss of my husband much better than I thought I could. I definitely believe that prayers help. I have had many prayers offered up for me and it makes me feel better just knowing there are people out there who care. My husband was also very strong, optimistic, and full of joy and often told me he wanted this for me when he was gone. Therefore, I have tried very hard to be strong for him. I wish I could say I always managed to be that way. I have only been widowed 2 weeks and already have found that some days I do great, but others are very hard to get through. I also knew a woman whose daughter died at 23 years of age. I remember this woman saying that a feeling of peace and contentment enveloped her on the morning after her daughters death. She said it was a very strange experience and very far from what she expected her reaction to be. I hope this contentment lasts for you. I do not know of any reading material on this subject, but I am sure you are not alone. Best wishes Angie

Wow, you guys really do understand. I was hesitant to start this topic because I thought it sounded so selfish and unappreciative. But all of you have assured me that these feelings are normal. I think Marty is right on target when she says that the problem is that it is my home and I feel my sense of ownership threatened. Because of bad winter weather, the kids actually moved in my home in December while my husband and I were still in Houston, TX. Therefore, they had, in a sense, "taken over" when we returned in February. Also, since we spent so much of the past year and half in Houston, our business was left in the hands of the kids. Now, I realize I also feel my sense of ownership threatened there. Of course, it also doesn't help that I am now the "sole" owner of the business. I not only lost my life partner, but also my business partner. I also returned to work this week and it was so hard being in that store that we built together, seeing customers he used to visit with, and making those daily decisions alone. I guess I just have too much on my plate at once. Frank G, I am so glad you made it to your granddaughter's swim comptetition and congratulations to her. My husband's thing was basketball and he coached several children's teams in our community. I don't think I could handle going to see one of those teams play if he would have still been involved with them. So, I know what an effort you had to make to be there for her. I hope I will be able to talk to the kids about this. I think they will understand. Sharing raw emotions just isn't easy for me. I know they really do not know how this whole thing is effecting me. This site is such a good outlet for me because I can write about it much easier than I can talk about it. Also, you have all been where I am so you understand. I also need to remember that my sons are experiencing something I have never experienced. My father is still alive, but they have lost theirs. My sons are 26, 22, and 21. They are all young and dealing with their own grief. Golden48, I am also thankful to the Lord for His promises. The first thing my husband told his sons after his cancer diagnosis was "No matter what happens, NEVER lose your Faith." This has really stuck in their minds and I hope they continue to heed his advice. My husband never once questioned his disease; in fact someone once asked him if he ever said "why me?" and his reply was "No - I should be asking 'Why NOT me?'" Maybe I do need to give myself a little time before deciding on this situation. I am just so overwhelmed right now. Dealing with our loss, finding my new "normal", getting back to my neglected home and business, a new granddaughter not due for 9 weeks, but doctors having to fight to keep her in the womb right now, and all the other daily routines that don't stop just because my world has. It is just tough being so ALONE when you are surrounded by so many. Angie

It has been just under 2 weeks since my husband passed away. I don't want to make any hasty decisions, but I do need to start finding my new "normal". My son, his wife and 2 young daughters are living with me right now and while I love having my family around, I wonder if I should have them stay here or ask them to go now. They are building a house next door to me and have another place available to stay while they are building, but they moved in here to help me when my husband came home on hospice February 2. I am lucky to have kids that care enough to stay here with me, but with a 3 year old and a 1 year old, the house is constantly noisy and cluttered. They have control of the living room and the big screen TV, so if I need quiet time, I have to lock myself in my bedroom with my little TV and computer. They help with a few things, but I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking. On the plus side, they can help me out with groceries and utilities. This will be a big help because my husband's illness has ruined us financially. We traveled 500 miles from home the past year to seek treatment for him. The travel was a huge expense on top of medical bills. Then, our abscence and this economy has taken a heavy toll on our small business. So, financially, their staying here can only help me. Emotionally and mentally, there are pros and cons to them staying here. I know everyone grieves differently and I am just not sure which way is best for me. Sometimes, I get very stressed with the messy house, noisy whining kids, and just constant chaos. Actually, I have to say my granddaughters are very well behaved, but they are still babies and no matter how sweet they are, they still bring noise and confusion. One minute, I feel I can't take another second of it, but then the 3 year old will snuggle up in my bed and say the sweetest or funniest things; or the 1 year old will shower me with her slobbery, baby kisses and my heart just melts. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in this world. However, I also do not want to jeopardize those moments by remaining in a constant state of stress over the clutter and the noise - not too mention the constant state of grief that I try to control in front of them, but sometimes just needs to come out. So, I guess after typing this out, I can see my biggest concern is jeopardizing my relationship with my kids or grandkids. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the sons and daughters-in-law with whom I am blessed. I do not know anyone else who has kids that ALL want to spend so much time with their parents. Since they have graduated high school, each of them has stayed working in our business, lived very close to home and still chose to spend much of their free time visiting their father and I, just eating dinner, watching movies, or laying around the house. You know the old saying "be careful what you wish for." I certainly don't want to wish for a clean, quiet home and end up with that by sacrificing time with my family. I kind of rambled on here and I am sorry for that. But does anyone have any suggestions, been faced with a similar circumstance, or any ideas at all? How do you find the occassionally needed peace and solitude without losing the love and fulfillment only they can provide? Or is there a way to just overcome the noise, clutter and chaos while it still exists in my life and home? Thanks for any advice Angie

Frank G. I am so sorry for your loss. My story is similar to yours and to Kat's also. I lost my husband Dan on Feb. 13, 2010. We also worked together - first in construction and the past years with our video stores and pizza restaurants. We were rarely apart. A few years ago, my son who was madly in love with his new wife actually told me his Dad and I were just too attached to each other. Dan also had colon cancer that had spread to his liver before it was discovered. We sought treatment at one of the top cancer hospitals in the nation, MD Anderson in Houston. They were good and gave him some time but still the end came very fast. Literally, half of me is gone. Your story is so similar to mine. I am new to this grief but already I find those little unexpected things to do the most damage. A song, a tv show, or magazine he liked can bring me to tears at any given time. I cannot offer you any advice,you probably know more than I do about this, but I am learning that there are many people on this site who do offer comfort, empathy, and encouragement. Wishing you the best Angie

Thanks for listening and the support through your replies. I am surrounded by loving family and friends, but as I said I have never been able to open up to people. I know it is not good to internalize all of this but it is just the way I am made. 16 years ago I suffered the loss of a still born baby girl and was never able to share my deepest feelings of loss about it. The difficult birth left me in the hospital for a week in late fall. When I entered the hospital the trees were all the beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows of fall, but when I came home all of the leaves were gone and everything looked dead. This was a stark reminder of her death and upset me terribly. Even after 16 years, it still bothers me to see the dead leaves and bare trees at the end of fall. Yet, I have never told anyone about the feelings of loss and despair that it brings to me. I wish I had shared these feelings with my husband, but I could not tell even him how much it hurt. At that time, it was the worst thing I had ever gone through and it was nothing compared to the pain and loneliness I feel now. I know how hard it was for me to struggle through those feelings alone and I don't want that to happen this time. That is why I joined this forum. Thanks again Angie

Hi – I am new to this site and new to this type of grief. I lost my husband of 27 years on February 13, 2010. We were high school sweethearts, best friends, and soul mates. We had known for 3 years that Dan had stage 4 colon cancer, but he did really well until a rapid decline in his last month. When the end came, it was so much faster than I had ever expected. He was so unbelievably strong and positive throughout his illness. He fought to the end, never gave up, and yet was also very accepting and unafraid of death. His example has helped me be strong these past days. However, the hurt is so much worse than I thought it would be. The actual physical pain from this grief is something for which I was totally unprepared. I am truly thankful for my children and grandchildren and know I am very blessed to have them in my life. But I don’t cry around them (except the first day or so) or talk to them about the pain and loneliness. I have never had anyone with whom to share my rawest emotions. Dan was the only person on this earth that I could share any part of myself with. Reading some of the posts on this site has helped me, so I thought I would give it a shot to see if posting my own thoughts would help even more. Thanks to any who have listened.