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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Roxy

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About Roxy

  • Birthday 02/26/1990

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    Hasn't died yet
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    Ask me :)
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  • Skype
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Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Chickasha, Oklahoma
  • Interests
    Web design, learning, reading and writing, computers and technology, intelligent debate.
  1. In a lot of ways, I've forgiven my father, not just for what he's done.. but simply for being human, for making mistakes, because we ALL are human, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL hurt those we love at some point, and because we ask forgiveness, we should also give it. I can't withhold forgiveness for something I am guilty of myself, you know? My father doesn't have a LIVE-IN nurse, but a couple of nurses visit him every day, and he has a homemaker, his doctor does house-calls, he has wrap-around services for his mental health needs as well and a case manager, as well as a someone to do his shopping for him. He doesn't drive anymore, and he has people to give him rides anywhere he needs to go. And he has a cat that keeps him company and "looks after him" for me... she's a huge comfort to him. My dad isn't much of a talker, but he does have a therapist, so hopefully he's talking about how he's feeling, even if he won't talk to me about it. I do have a therapist who is helping me cope and such, but I've just started seeing her, so we haven't gotten very far. I do speak with my father's physician about once a month for updates, but he will NOT give me a timeline, because their timelines are always wrong, so I never know what to expect. He's also very vague, which is frustrating. I also talk to my father's case manager, but she's worse... she's a bit of a space cadet, and doesn't answer her phone much. And my dad can only tell me so much because his memory is going, so he forgets a lot of things. Hospice isn't an option because there is nothing that says he'll die within six months, first of all - could be tomorrow, could be in a year, could be in five years. It depends on how many more heart attacks he has, and if he survives them, if he can lose weight, how bad the infections get, if he quits smoking and stays that way (he's cut back a lot but admitted today that he still smokes a little)... a lot of factors. He also REFUSES to be put in a care facility, he's really independent (at least mentally) and he'd rather die than be in a home, period. In fact, I would reckon to guess that he would end his own life before allowing himself to be put in any facility like that. He likes having his own home, he hates admitting that he's sick, and he's extraordinarily anti-social with a very unique sense of humour and an ability to offend most people his age because he is simply not fifty in his own mind.. he's about twenty-five. But the team of caregivers is pretty much in place at any rate. It's hard because my husband and I live 1700 miles away now (couldn't afford to stay there and for me to go to college, so we moved to where he's from, Oklahoma, where the cost of living is nada practically, so we could afford our own place and for me to go to college and start my career) and so I can't just barge into his doctors office or wherever and demand information, I have to try to get ahold of people on the phone, which is a right pain in the arse if you know what I mean. First of all, support is the greatest thing for me right now - thank you so much. I have tried to remember that what's past is past, and my therapist and I have begun working on me forgiving and letting go (see my comments about forgiving him for being human, above). I'm lucky to also have perhaps the world's most supportive husband, and he helps me in more ways than I can describe. I am glad to be not alone, and to have a shoulder to lean on when necessary... which seems to be a lot. I'm learning to reach out to people who care about me, and to people who can help me, for the help and support that I need. I tend to be very stubborn and independent.. perhaps I take after my dad? .. and so I tend to keep everything inside. It's been a long journey for me to even get to where I am now in terms of reaching out for help when I need it. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am, however, glad that your husband was such a wonderful man - we are not oft blessed to be in the presence of incredible, caring people in life, and each one who touches our lives deserves to live in our hearts forever. I wish you all of the love and support in the world through your grief, and I pray that you will celebrate his life, even as you mourn the loss of him, and remember all of the good that he did and the wonderful person that he was. Emotions, for me, are hard to handle, and it is nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I feel, and that others understand how overwhelming and painful this experience is. I would not wish this pain on anyone, and yet it comforts me to feel understood, if that makes sense. I try to tell my father how I feel, but he is not much of a sentimental-touchy-feeling sort of guy... he can be sort of cold, if you understand? I do make it clear when possible that I want him to take care of himself, that I love him very much, and that I believe in him and his ability to recover at least partially and live a few more years if he would just believe in himself and try. He is very stubborn and stuck in his ways... talking to him can sometimes be like talking to a brick wall! But I keep trying, and hope that, somehow, it's sinking in. I am spiritual... not necessarily Christian, but I do believe in a higher being, a "God" if you will, and I do pray. I appreciate your prayers and good will toward me and my father, and would not be opposed to that at all - it is a blessing to have perfect strangers so willing to reach out to me and support me, and I do believe that we can use all of the help that we can get right now.
  2. So, here's my story. I'm twenty years old, and losing my dad. A little background: My parents split up when I was two, and I lived with my mother (who was a twisted, messed up person) until I was thirteen. I moved in with my dad after my mother's boyfriend raped me and my mother did nothing about it and even denied it. My dad and I never had a traditional father/daughter relationship, we were always more like friends or roommates. I was pretty shut down when I moved in with him, and he just wanted to make me feel better, but he's got issues of his own. So we had a really conflicted relationship, especially because he has a temper and I'm stubborn, so we got into fights a lot, and he was kind of manipulative. It got worse when he got sick, he legs started swelling up and the doctors somehow missed that he had diabetes when even I knew it, and didn't treat it for months, plus he smoked and ate badly, so he got really bad and I dropped out of school after 10th grade to take care of him. He still wasn't very nice and was pretty verbally abusive sometimes, and still tried to manipulate me. I even stopped talking to him when I was seventeen and got married, because he was blackmailing me for money and it was making life with my fiance/husband hard. I started talking to him again when I found out he had a heart attack, and I was willing to forgive him if he agreed to treat me fairly and stop being manipulative and cruel. He agreed and has pretty much stopped. That was 2007, he'd already been sick since early 2006. Now, it's 2010, and he's worse than ever. He finally stopped smoking but it seems like too little too late. He weighs ~400lbs, he still eats the wrong stuff and too much of it, his legs are all scarred up and he had recurring infections, and they've even talked about amputating his legs but he probably wouldn't survive the surgery because he's so prone to infections. He's now on oxygen, and in the hospital a lot, always on new meds or more meds, etc. They recently diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. The thing is... is he dying? You'd think it's an obvious yes, especially the way he's started making requests for what to do after he's gone, funeral stuff. I'm his only child, so it's all on me. But in 2006, they gave him a year. After the year was up, they gave him another. After that, six more months. And six more. And six more. Now they just say.. "He could live years, could die tomorrow." He's always sick, always in pain, even has talked about suicide to end the suffering of always being sick with basically no hope of getting better. He's "stable" but he's miserable, he hates living but he's afraid to die. I've gone through more stages of grief, anger, denial, frustration, whatever... there isn't a book for this. I've found stuff about people dying slowly over a year tops... what about this, though? Four years of him going in and out of critical condition, getting "expiration dates" placed and replaced time and time again... and it's just overwhelming, to the point that I'VE gotten depressed, gotten to the point where I feel hopeless. I feel like a terrible person because he's my dad, of course I want him to live, but... I also don't want him to be in so much pain, and this constant back and forth has gotten tiring for me. I want him to be "okay again" but the reality is, he's 50, he'll never be "okay again" after all of this... I don't even know if he wants to be. He says he does but he doesn't make the effort. So then I feel like, maybe I was a terrible daughter and since he has nobody else, I'm not a good enough reason to want to live. (A note about me: I was.. trained, if you will... by my mother, to find ways to blame myself. I'm aware of this personality trait and am working on it... but being aware of the fact that I'm taking blame and burden that isn't mine onto myself, doesn't make me feel less that way in the moment.) I am seeing a therapist, but... can anyone relate, give me tips, support... just knowing someone understands would be nice. My husband is more than supportive and helpful, but... he has both of his parents, and can't really relate, and... I just feel so alone in all of this confusion and so overwhelmed. Sigh.
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