In a lot of ways, I've forgiven my father, not just for what he's done.. but simply for being human, for making mistakes, because we ALL are human, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL hurt those we love at some point, and because we ask forgiveness, we should also give it. I can't withhold forgiveness for something I am guilty of myself, you know?
My father doesn't have a LIVE-IN nurse, but a couple of nurses visit him every day, and he has a homemaker, his doctor does house-calls, he has wrap-around services for his mental health needs as well and a case manager, as well as a someone to do his shopping for him. He doesn't drive anymore, and he has people to give him rides anywhere he needs to go. And he has a cat that keeps him company and "looks after him" for me... she's a huge comfort to him.
My dad isn't much of a talker, but he does have a therapist, so hopefully he's talking about how he's feeling, even if he won't talk to me about it.
I do have a therapist who is helping me cope and such, but I've just started seeing her, so we haven't gotten very far. I do speak with my father's physician about once a month for updates, but he will NOT give me a timeline, because their timelines are always wrong, so I never know what to expect. He's also very vague, which is frustrating. I also talk to my father's case manager, but she's worse... she's a bit of a space cadet, and doesn't answer her phone much. And my dad can only tell me so much because his memory is going, so he forgets a lot of things.
Hospice isn't an option because there is nothing that says he'll die within six months, first of all - could be tomorrow, could be in a year, could be in five years. It depends on how many more heart attacks he has, and if he survives them, if he can lose weight, how bad the infections get, if he quits smoking and stays that way (he's cut back a lot but admitted today that he still smokes a little)... a lot of factors. He also REFUSES to be put in a care facility, he's really independent (at least mentally) and he'd rather die than be in a home, period. In fact, I would reckon to guess that he would end his own life before allowing himself to be put in any facility like that. He likes having his own home, he hates admitting that he's sick, and he's extraordinarily anti-social with a very unique sense of humour and an ability to offend most people his age because he is simply not fifty in his own mind.. he's about twenty-five.
But the team of caregivers is pretty much in place at any rate. It's hard because my husband and I live 1700 miles away now (couldn't afford to stay there and for me to go to college, so we moved to where he's from, Oklahoma, where the cost of living is nada practically, so we could afford our own place and for me to go to college and start my career) and so I can't just barge into his doctors office or wherever and demand information, I have to try to get ahold of people on the phone, which is a right pain in the arse if you know what I mean.
First of all, support is the greatest thing for me right now - thank you so much.
I have tried to remember that what's past is past, and my therapist and I have begun working on me forgiving and letting go (see my comments about forgiving him for being human, above). I'm lucky to also have perhaps the world's most supportive husband, and he helps me in more ways than I can describe. I am glad to be not alone, and to have a shoulder to lean on when necessary... which seems to be a lot. I'm learning to reach out to people who care about me, and to people who can help me, for the help and support that I need. I tend to be very stubborn and independent.. perhaps I take after my dad? .. and so I tend to keep everything inside. It's been a long journey for me to even get to where I am now in terms of reaching out for help when I need it.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am, however, glad that your husband was such a wonderful man - we are not oft blessed to be in the presence of incredible, caring people in life, and each one who touches our lives deserves to live in our hearts forever. I wish you all of the love and support in the world through your grief, and I pray that you will celebrate his life, even as you mourn the loss of him, and remember all of the good that he did and the wonderful person that he was.
Emotions, for me, are hard to handle, and it is nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I feel, and that others understand how overwhelming and painful this experience is. I would not wish this pain on anyone, and yet it comforts me to feel understood, if that makes sense.
I try to tell my father how I feel, but he is not much of a sentimental-touchy-feeling sort of guy... he can be sort of cold, if you understand? I do make it clear when possible that I want him to take care of himself, that I love him very much, and that I believe in him and his ability to recover at least partially and live a few more years if he would just believe in himself and try. He is very stubborn and stuck in his ways... talking to him can sometimes be like talking to a brick wall! But I keep trying, and hope that, somehow, it's sinking in.
I am spiritual... not necessarily Christian, but I do believe in a higher being, a "God" if you will, and I do pray. I appreciate your prayers and good will toward me and my father, and would not be opposed to that at all - it is a blessing to have perfect strangers so willing to reach out to me and support me, and I do believe that we can use all of the help that we can get right now.