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nats

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Everything posted by nats

  1. Hi Tony, First, I fully understand your hurt and heartache. Your doing the right things if there is such a thing when your grieving. It takes time to find a new normal and we hurt so bad we want it fast to ease the pain. Unfortunately it takes time to find that normal and some of never find it, my wife has been away for 8 years now and I still miss her deeply. I suggest starting a routine, something simple at first then develop as you feel comfortable. Give yourself time, you can't rush this grief monster but you can not let it hold you hostage. Be easy on yourself, eat, and sleep the best you can, the more rest and nutrition you get the better you will feel. Your using the site as was intended reaching out, we have a great group here, many helping people. I don't post much anymore but your topic got my attention, as I get new post updates via email. May peace be with you, in these troubled times. Nats
  2. Thank You Marty...Yes I knew! I never left really, I follow daily with Notifications...just rarely posted. It's amazing how many people are still here, and how many that have left. Thanks kayc NATS
  3. My Mask, Grief Poem Every morning I wake up and put on a mask, the mask makes everything seem alright, But they don't know I cry at night, The nightmares just won't go away If only I knew it was your last day For six years I've felt this pain The feeling just won't go away, Everyone thinks I've dealt with your death the best, but without this mask I'd be a mess. By Ellie Nazza --- I know I have a mask! NATS
  4. Tough for me every year, my sweetheart passed on Valentines Day! This year will be extremely hard as I'm dealing with yet another loss... the woman I fell in Love with and have been with since Ruth passed, Brenda abruptly ended our 6 year relationship via text message and has not spoke to me since Nov. 27th...(another post for that one)...she was my best friend prior to us falling in Love so I am totally "back to square one" it feels with this journey of grief... The current loss has triggered "re-grief" at an incredible intensity, in fact it almost feels like Ruth just passed, I miss Ruth and Brenda both...it's quite bizarre indeed how I feel like I did in the early stages of my grief 7 year ago. The positive thing is I have taken to writing a blog, and I have my own "personal roadmap" on how to manage, as I've kept a journal. So yeah, Valentines Day will be a roller coaster indeed. NATS
  5. Darrel, I fully understand where you are....We are not alone if we have God in our life...I know it seems all a big jumbled mess right now but you are doing well...one day at a time, I wondered many times why God didn't take me instead of Ruth, I asked him to many times. One day the answer came to me, she would not have been able to deal with this ugly grief...so he left me to take it head on!!! I'm glad she does not have to face this dark, lonely road, the darn road can't be traveled without our eyes getting wet almost daily and she hated water in her eyes. Stay strong....NATS
  6. Hi Darrel, I've reposted a response to about your leaving the forum, I'm here to help in anyway I can assist you. I detect a bit of hesitation concerning you remaining...in those days observing, I invite you to read my past posts to get to know my story. If after observing you decide to leave I respect that completely, I've known several people who did not find this type of format for them for whatever reason. First and For most right now and during this "ugly trip of grief" you must put your feelings, and yourself ahead of everything. You must find your own comfort zone whatever it may be to survive my friend because this journey never ends..."there is no getting over it" as we are told by many who have not lost a spouse... Repost... Hello My Fellow Grief Travelers, It's been quite some time since I've posted but follow the forum everyday via email notifications. I've been "traveling" this journey since 2010, please read my previous posts to get to know me. I've returned to "contribute" additional experiences, and to find a "comfort zone" once again reading and sharing this "ugly face of grief" with people who truly "Get It" as it has once again "welcomed" me for another ride, or maybe just extended this ride deeper. That will be addressed in another post. This particular message I felt the need to reply...Darrel I have read some not all of your posts, I have seen many of the "signs" as we call them throughout my approaching 7 years next month since my Dear Ruth left this world as we know it. Each one of us has a different experience, some wish they had these signs, and some are reluctant to believe they even exist. Fact is they do exist but require an open heart, open mind, and faith in a "higher power" whatever that may be for each of us. We become very sensitive during this journey, I am still today, someone says the wrong thing and I am hurt or offended, when they meant only the best that they could offer not having gone down this road. Please Do Not Leave...you are welcome here, I got my feelings hurt once on here, Marty gave me some kind of "warning' and I felt like you, I do not even recall the reason. Darrel trust me on this one, that quote above is genuine "Marty" has helped us all by posting different writings and references to "help us" down this road. In fact I will be reading the above mentioned article myself. In closing I say to you..."reconsider" your choice, we all are in the same journey, each others methods and experiences of making this trip helps us all to become stronger and get us another mile down the road. May Peace Be With You NATS
  7. Hello My Fellow Grief Travelers, It's been quite some time since I've posted but follow the forum everyday via email notifications. I've been "traveling" this journey since 2010, please read my previous posts to get to know me. I've returned to "contribute" additional experiences, and to find a "comfort zone" once again reading and sharing this "ugly face of grief" with people who truly "Get It" as it has once again "welcomed" me for another ride, or maybe just extended this ride deeper. That will be addressed in another post. This particular message I felt the need to reply...Darrel I have read some not all of your posts, I have seen many of the "signs" as we call them throughout my approaching 7 years next month since my Dear Ruth left this world as we know it. Each one of us has a different experience, some wish they had these signs, and some are reluctant to believe they even exist. Fact is they do exist but require an open heart, open mind, and faith in a "higher power" whatever that may be for each of us. We become very sensitive during this journey, I am still today, someone says the wrong thing and I am hurt or offended, when they meant only the best that they could offer not having gone down this road. Please Do Not Leave...you are welcome here, I got my feelings hurt once on here, Marty gave me some kind of "warning' and I felt like you, I do not even recall the reason. Darrel trust me on this one, that quote above is genuine "Marty" has helped us all by posting different writings and references to "help us" down this road. In fact I will be reading the above mentioned article myself. In closing I say to you..."reconsider" your choice, we all are in the same journey, each others methods and experiences of making this trip helps us all to become stronger and get us another mile down the road. May Peace Be With You Nats
  8. Hi Butch, 6 years here, and that Mack truck still rolls me over some days. In fact on Feb. 21st I had to put her dog down and that smashed me smack into that wall you speak of. He now rests next to his "momma" on the shrine and she has greeted him at Rainbow Bridge, now they are both waiting for me. I have learned to accept it, and go with my feelings, cry my eyes out, or whatever calms me. To tell you the truth I don't think I really want to stop grieving, because that will mean I have forgotten Ruth and no longer miss her. That will never happen as she resides forever in my heart, soul and mind...even as I love again there will always be a place in me for her. Just as my new love will always have a place for her departed husband with her. So no my brother in "grief" you are not selfish, crazy, or out of your mind you are just one of us "missing our loved ones and partners in life". One thing I've learned in the 6 years...it's okay to grieve, and go with it because, I have found if you fight it and try to reason it out things get really jumbled. "May Peace Be With You" NATS
  9. We all know the feeling all to well. I will be at 6 years exactly to the day of the week Sunday February 14th 2010 tomorrow for me and I still feel a vast emptiness in my "heart"... Keep visiting iheartm you will find great comfort and ways to help you, in my early days I was here often, during this journey remember whatever it takes for you to feel good is all that matters. "A thousand words can't bring you back, I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears, I know because I cried." - Author unknown NATS
  10. Hello Ricky, It's been a bit since I've posted but I continue to receive "new" post notifications and yours caught my attention with your question/topic. What you are feeling is "normal" if there is a normal to grief. It's been 5 years and 7 months since my wife/partner/best friend left this mortal world. The grief at times is still very much alive, but "manageable" now. Your question about ours loved ones is indeed a rough part of the loss, for me it took well over a year to not expect Ruth to return home. The phones calls during the day are another part that did not settle for quite some time. The last 9 months we spent every waking hour together except when she was well enough for me to work. After her passing I found myself hurrying home each day to be with her only to find an empty house. We had many stays at the hospital and the last one she did not return to our home. This goes on for quite some time, in fact I still have days that I can not believe she is no longer here. My way of coping was to talk to her, just as if she were there, at times I melted down during our conversations but it helped me. Each one of us has to find our own way of accepting the realization our loved ones are no longer here with us, but they will always be with us in our heart, mind and soul. The other factor in accepting her departure from this world is my "faith", I know one day we will be reunited once again, that is very powerful and reassuring to me. Time must be taken one day at a time during our grief as we can not hurry it up and it will never, ever really leave us, but I really don't want it to leave me completely as if that happens it means I have forgotten my beloved wife/partner/best friend, and I do not ever want to forget what we shared, even now as I write this to you I am a bundle of tears thinking and remembering the days past... I would advise you to find something that offers you comfort in any way as you move thru this very difficult time, it really doesn't matter how complex or simple it is, nor does it matter what people think if you share with them, if it helps you that is all that matters. I Pray for your comfort, and that you will find a way to also manage your loss as time goes by. May you find peace. Nats
  11. This Year on Valentines Day was the 5 Year point for me... Ruth was heavy on my mind and the days leading up to the 14th were a rolling wave of grief, I kept positive and spent the evening with my best friend. The missing part just never leaves us! NATS
  12. Hello My Friends, Been away for a bit...Harry your post is "reality" and as normal you express and convey in a way that reaches us all. The world is so suppressed in so many ways your topic being one of the area's, many things that are given to happen in "Life" are never talked about or are just plain ignored. I have said many times we as people teach about almost everything except some basic "Life" experiences we must all face at some time. Death being the biggest "fact of life", while the grief will still engulf us I am sure but if we are taught some of the feelings and facts of this most inevitable experience that we will face we might just be a little better prepared, of course nothing can compare but we would have an idea...kinda like prepping a flight crew what to do and expect during a disaster in flight. Your topic is much the same, during this journey we all are on most of us never gave this a thought until later in the process I know I didn't, but as time passed i also went down this road...no Harry as normal your post is something to give us all something to reflect on and explore our feelings...in yet another aspect of the grieving process. Peace Be With You Nats
  13. Texylady... We understand your pain and agony, you've found a very safe haven with lots of great people a place you will find many answers to this journey you are now on. I want to say your on the right path already and seem to have noticed something many of us didn't discover until days, weeks or months after our losses, and that's what you wrote " I can't bring him back, but I am trying to save my own life right now " that is indeed your main mission now as this journey is exhausting and like a big roller coaster. Take things day by day, you are the main focus as you must find some comfort, don't worry about the little things and go with your heart. I know all to well about the cleaning, sorting and letting go, I'm at 4 years now since my wife Ruth passed and I'm still finding, sorting and letting go. One thing that helps is positive energy, lots of crying, and talking to the ones who understand you can share here and not be judged and you will find much support, so use everyone here to find the answers and comfort you seek, it's a wonderful healing resource. May Peace Be With You... Nats
  14. Chris, Here I forgot to attach, been a while since I've been here. That was one of her favorite pieces of furniture. NATS
  15. Hi Chris, You need to do what your heart feels to do...I have attached a photo of Ruth's shrine in the living room, and notice the bottom, that was her dog before we met I guess he knows where she is...she is where I feel best...the new love in my life prefers to keep her husbands remains in her bedroom so everyone is different...as far as keeping her close I have a small glass vial encased in metal with a window, I have some of her remains in the vial and carry it in my day bag. I like your former post as well...I stress POSITVE energy as major factor in dealing with our grief it has done wonders for me...as well as my faith. NATS Attached on Next Post
  16. Mitch, Really...what indeed is your motive, I myself am a Webmaster/IT Professional, I have thought about your post and request, I'm confused as to your questions and motives, your "idea" is already indexed 10 pages deep in Google depending on keyword search so I do not think your going to offer something that's not already being offered. It's good you want to help maybe you should seek your answers in your local Hospice Center or local grief support so you can experience this un-realistic, life changing trauma with your own eyes, and see how we deal with the losses. Of course I would recommend getting proper approval before doing so. NATS
  17. Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts...the day was full of emotions as is today and I'm sure the next few will be... I will settle as the days unwind, I'm focusing on the positive energy Ruth instilled in me using it to the fullest extent... May Peace Be With All Of You NATS
  18. Chris, She will be waiting, It's a tough time I know, keep things simple do as you feel, you might read my post today about my 4 year mark, Yes, it's today. Keep on moving forward as you are it may not feel like it now but you are. May Peace and Comfort Be With You NATS
  19. I am celebrating Ruth's Life as she passed on this day... Remembering all the Valentines Days from past. NATS
  20. Well today is as expected, I woke and within moments I was a flowing river of tears...I don't why I expected it would be different, maybe because I wore myself out last night umpiring my first High School Baseball game (yes, at 56 I'm back in Baseball it was a blast, more later) and figured I'd be to tired today to notice, sure don't know how I had that idea...so I took things head on as I have been...I wished her Happy Valentines Day gave her a hug as she is in her special shrine, then I had this crazy thought to visit her Facebook page and post a message, I have it in memory status so I can re-visit our timelines from past...It was nice seeing all the friends posts, another rolling river of tears...I wanted to share with everyone here as these total spontaneous things I do to handle this continued grief have a great impact in moving me past the waves...I encourage everyone to " go with the flow " even if it seems crazy because we really have nothing to loose by trying...here is my post to Ruth for Valentines Day...I also found this piece of scripture it is so fitting and calming...and notice the book it came from... To GG, Ruth, My Wife...It's so hard to imagine 4 years have gone by since you left to be with God and the Angels...as you see daily I'm doing well, I still miss you like no one will ever know...today was our special day as was each we spent together...I wanted to post you a "Happy Valentines Day My Sweetheart" forever and always in my Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul. All My Love "Ask me not to leave you, or to return from following you. For where you go, I will go. Where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me, and even more, If anything but death, part you from me" Ruth 1. 16-17 May You All Find Comfort Today NATS
  21. To Harry and My Friends In Grief, We all see a different view when we look at the picture but the painter is the same "By Grief"...I am quickly approaching 48 months in two days and of all days "Valentines Day" is the day Ruth passed, the day for "Love, and couples" ...any day would have been a bad day for her to pass but this day triggers as Harry says my “grief tsunamis” as it is hyped so much by the retailers I just can not get away from them. I've noticed myself lost in a daze the past week...I've been staying busy but I still get side tracked, I took some time the other day and looked at pictures and video of my sweetheart, it left me so drained but feeling happy as well because I'm so thankful for the years and time I had with this wonderful woman...Ruth was so full of life and always knew how to comfort me, picking me up when I felt down, and bringing a smile to my rather smug face during times of stress and worry. This year is by far the hardest since she passed and I'm not sure why, maybe because my life is moving at light speed and I feel the emptiness of her not being by my side, it started really bad last week prior to my Birthday, maybe turning another year older has increased the feelings. Brenda is so understanding as she mentioned that people forget I do not celebrate Valentines Day as most people do when she saw some cards I received. Being in Love again is indeed a wonderful feeling and having someone who really understands is even more of a blessing...Friday will be a quiet day for me I'm off work on Thur. and Fri. so that works out well. We all have so many feelings to deal with when going down this grief road and it is indeed good to read what we each do to continue our lives without our beloved spouses, they are all special in my heart as I'm one of those people who feels much of what you do when I read what you express...I wish we all could find that perfect answer to solve our emptiness, heartaches, and just plain missing them but I doubt that will happen so with that being said we move ahead with the memories and the thoughts each day that they are no longer on this earth with us but they will indeed be forever in our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. May We All Find The Peace We Seek... NATS
  22. Chris, I am happy to help in anyway, your correct not many men here not sure why but that's Okay we all have the same in common and I have learned much from these wise women...Yelling and screaming is a good thing it releases that massive tension that builds, one member suggested screaming into a pillow, I did that for months when I couldn't cope some days...as far as the other things that are out of balance...try and take it easy and not push yourself, it's okay to not feel normal, but you need your strength and energy to endure this journey as I know many have told you before...also take a moment and reflect what Paula would have told you if she were here, Ruth and I had the same bond and very private we alone dealt with our lives and discussed everything, helping each other, when I tried this I was able to gain some strength because I knew what she would have told me..."you can do it babe, I support you"...she still does when I remember and reflect, as I know like you our Love is still there and NOTHING will ever take that away...one more thing you ask what's the point?...because Paula and Ruth would wants us to survive that's the point...just as we would want them to survive if the tables were turned... Peace My Friend In Grief NATS
  23. Hello Chris, I pray you find some peace...I know all to well the emptiness you feel, we all do...reading your post brings back the memories of Ruth's final days and I grieve with you...during Ruth's battle I kept a daily journal in which I posted twice daily, I of course kept that but it's been in a folder on my PC and backed up on another...well last week I was driven by some unknown reason to open that folder...I read all 9 months of my postings from the beginning to the end, well needless to say I felt the intense emptiness once again, and I've been pretty edgy all week since...but you know what I discovered? just how much pain she was in, and as hard as it was/is/and will be each day without her, I do know she is now at peace, without the pain, without stress of the treatments, and feeling as I know her smiling everyday down upon me guiding me in ways I never knew she could. I am approaching the 4 year point next month, keep positive, remember happy times and you will heal, you will still have an empty spot in your heart but it will be less painful and you will discover that your dear wife will always be with you. May Peace be With You NATS
  24. Hello Crossroads, Welcome and Thank You for posting...This is a topic I don't think gets much discussion because I think people are hesitant, as I'm sure you know as a counselor... many grieving spouses have no desire to make a transformation into a life with another person, others want to but do not know how to start, some have and failed not do to there fault, but because of the person they made that new bond with had issues with the deceased spouse's memories and the fact our grief never leaves us and then we have those who don't want to because they do not want to face the monster of grief again. I myself have chosen to face that monster again and I already know it will trigger my grief 10 fold for Ruth as I grieve again, you know that was in fact the very first question Brenda asked me when I kissed her for the first time...are you ready for this?...What I asked? She said are you willing to grieve again? What do you mean I asked...she said you know one of us will have to grieve again if we take this journey, we won't both pass at the same time! (Brenda is a widow 6 months ahead of me) WOW what a question after a romantic kiss, needless to say it stopped me cold for Oh I'd say for about...2 minutes and I said Yes! I have to much love left to share with someone not to take the step...and when and if the grief monster is in my life again I'll deal with that then... Now where we are...we are 4 years into our journey and delightfully happy, she is thinking of moving in and we've discussed marriage, we are both very independent so we have spoken about potential conflicts, but I have a 4 bedroom house so we can have his and hers personal space. Both of us being grieving spouses has indeed allowed our relationship to grow on a level I've never been on before, the discussion of our spouses brings us closer, the understanding of those down feeling days are brightened by one of us saying "smile, go with the flow" and we accept each others feelings regarding our spouses. I would agree with you our lives are fuller as well because we also allow "our late loved ones in our lives." We are both very Happy and living life like we've never lived before. May Peace Be With You and Continued Happiness NATS
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