rimmasum

************HUGE UPDATE***************** I'm broken. She said she can't be friends with me. Before she left for india, she asked me to think about whether i can be just friends with her or not and when i did and agreed based on everyones great advice, she flips the script and says she cant...this might be a long read but please take the time to read it, i feel like punching a wall or getting hit by a bus...here is the text history that happened today: Me: How is the move to NJ coming along? Did you find a suitable place? Her: no, they're still searching for a home Me: Oh ok, is there anyway I can help? Her: Nah, they've got it covered...i'm floating with whatever (by they she means her brother and father) Me: Ok good, would you like to talk this week? I'd still like to hear about your trip Her: I can't talk to you or see you...it's so hard for me Me: Did I do something wrong? Her: We're not together anymore...remember I told u its extremely difficult for me to talk or have anything to do with my past Me: But I thought you wanted me to be your friend. I care for you even as friends Her: A part of you will always love me, I know that Me: That doesn't mean I can't be friends with you. We've always been friends first and I spent the time you were gone thinking about what you asked me to think about regarding us remaining friends and I felt I wanted to do that Her: Why? Me: Because I care for you. Before you left u told u wanted to be friends with me as well Her: I dont know if I can Me: I think its worth a shot. I know I can be a good friend to u. I want to help you during your time of need. It will be strictly on a friend level. I care a great deal for you. Her: My time of need is eternal...I lost a big part of me recently...if i need help, i'll come to you Me: Its because of your loss and my caring feelings for you that I want to genuinely be a part of your life to help you through it regardless of the timeframe involved. I can be a really good friend, im really good at listening and helping. I can get professional references if you'd like (joke) Her: get prof references as in the 411 of a psych dr.? Me: No I meant get professional references recommending me as a good friend, just as a joke Her: ok well when I interview for the position, i'll let you know Me: Alright, please dont shut me out, give me a chance to be your outlet. I won't pressure you but please know that Im always thinking about you as far as your well being (emotionally, physically) such as if you ate, if ur safe, if u need anything etc. Little things like that are always on my mind. Call it love, call it care, call it a friend. I guess it doesn't have a title but it's there. Should you turn to me, i will always lend an ear or offer my help in the way u desire from the goodness of my heart NO RESPONSE FROM HER I need your help...what do I do??? Now she doesnt want to even be friends with me........I feel like destroying myself im in so much pain right now Guys, please provide me your insight.. PLEASE im so sad

Kayc, thank you for your kind words. They are so soothing. It just bothers me that she was able to go to a baby sbower. I dont want her to sit home and cry but i do want her to see me too. Am i being selfish and cruel? I keep thinking about your words kayc and it coming back if meant to be but its so hard for that to stick in my head. Im so pessimistic right now, maybe thats why?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated guys. Here's what happened... she landed on Wednesday and I just texted her asking her to let me know if she safely landed and she did once she landed. A couple days went by and she texted me asking me help with a phone problem she was having. In India, she connected her phone to a computer and somehow lost all her texts, including the ones with her mom. She asked if I could help and I said of of course. She asked if she could call me and I said yeah. So we were on the phone, and I asked her how she was doing and the typical normal questions and then we jumped into fixing her problem. I couldn't fix it so I told her I have to look into it further and I can let her know as soon as possible because I understand how important her moms texts are. A couple of hours later I texted her saying I may have found the answer and gave her instructions over text on how to fix it. She responds..."k i'll check it later thank u for researching...i'll let u know what happens". I said "no problem". Didn't hear from her. The next day, I texted her in the afternoon telling her that I was going to one of her favorite restaurants and if I could pick up food for her...she goes..."hehe tempted but no thanks... i just stuffed myself" and then she wrote "thank u for thinking of me". I said "ur welcome, how is your day going?" she goes "good just left a baby shower"...i go "how was it?" she goes "very nice". And then I asked her "would you like to have lunch tomorrow?" i sent that text at 5:30pm...she responds 4 hours later "I'm sorry I won't be in NY " i respond, "thats alright" and we havent spoken since...i'm so frustrated...this is so hard...she's good friends with whose baby shower it was but she makes no effort to even talk to me casually yet alone see me but she can go to a baby shower? why do I feel like i'm getting the short end of the stick when i'm the one who has always been there..it's so unfair....or am i over-reacting for no reason? I need some insight guys before i lose my mind thank u

Niamh, Kayc, Daughter 2010, you guys have shed some bright light on a rather confusing situation for me. I see what you guys are saying, and Niamh, the examples you provided put a lot into perspective. I feel like your subconscious starts to play a big role in how you act. Meaning, she may subconsciously be doing things (or not doing) and she's not even aware of it. Possibly a sense of feeling lost consciously? Since she's lost and confused consciously, she lets her sub-conscious dictate what she's doing unbeknown to her. Does that make sense? I think it goes in line with what Niamh was saying... She landed today, and hour before she landed, i sent her a text asking if she can text me letting me know she landed safely. She texted me as soon as she landed telling me she landed safely. I sent her a text shortly after saying "welcome back" and she responded "thanks!". Haven't spoken to her since. I feel she's probably extremely tired and all over the place right now...as well jetlagged... i have a feeling her true grieving begins now...

Niamh, see thats the thing I don't understand when people are grieving, they don't want to approach anyone, or talk to them on the phone, or see them in person...yet they want the other person to make the first move...what difference does it make? (not to sound rude or anything) i mean, if you need someone to talk to, there's no harm or shame in going to someone especially if that someone is a family member, best friend, or a significant other. I try to put myself in my gf's position and I feel I would reach out to the people I love...but i've been reading posts where the griever won't go to someone, yet they get upset if the person doesn't come to them. I don't understand the reasoning or the thought process with that. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything, so i apologize in advance if i am coming off that way. can you guys shed light on that? it also makes the person on the other side think twice as to what to do...should i approach? not approach?

I am soooooooooo nervous and scared like i mentioned before. It's about 9am where she is, and her flight is at midnight. She lands on Thursday 11am NYC time. She'll probably be jet lagged for a day or two. I don't know what to expect. I have this bad gut feeling that she will push away even more. I want her to accept me, to accept my help, my care, my love. (sighs) I can't lose her guys. She is the person I want and need to spend the rest of my life with. I'll definitely keep you all updated and thank you so much once again for all the ongoing help...please pray for her well being and pray that she accepts me again...

Sharla, It's so hard. Nothing has changed on my front. She still has one more week abroad. I sent her a text this afternoon (11:30pm her time) as follows: "Hey, very concerned about you...could you send me a text letting me know you're okay?" No response yet. I don't know if she keeps her phone off or maybe she fell asleep by then. I am worried about her. This is the first time I'm contacting her since she left a week ago. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so frustrated. Sharla, I understand your position, my gf has pushed the world away and at the same time doesn't think we can be together. From what I read on these forums and the book on grievance, talking is beneficial and one should consider using support. Do you know why you're pushing your husband away? I am just counting down the days until she comes back, she lands on Thursday. I pray to God she's feeling better (relatively speaking of course) and lets me comfort her....wishful thinking

thank you niamh and annette...your words really sooth me she just departed for her trip to india...her flight was at 6:20pm...i wished her a safe flight and a safe trip...why do i have this really bad gut feeling that she will feel worse once she gets back?

oh wow, that was such a great insight...a lot if not most of the points you mentioned above is exactly how my gf is acting. its like i was making a check sound in my head as i read each number that you listed. i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. my deepest condolences to you and your family. it makes me so scared that i too one day will be going through this... if u dont mind me asking you...how old was your father, and how old are you? again i am sorry for your loss, and your post, along with everyone else's has been so insightful i am give her space like she requested...she leaves for India tomorrow for 2 weeks. She will be doing the final ritual where she will be depositing her moms ashes in the river. i wonder how she will feel once she gets back...will the shock wear off? will she accept her mom is gone once she lets go of the ashes? by the way, i started reading "How to Go On living when someone you love dies". I'm 150 pages in and it's a great read. Its really helping me understand what my gf and you all are going through.

Thank you so much Leann for the birthday wishes I got an update...she called me at 11:40pm last night...regarding the above voicemail i sent...i didn't see this coming but... she's mad at me. back around january of 2009 i broke up with her. i broke up with her because i didnt have faith in the relationship. she was devastated and she chased me and in the beginning i would be so rude and disrespectful to her. she remembered all the bad things i did in that extremely small time period. she said shes been distant and its hard to talk to me because she has feelings for me. i told her that i dont consider us as broken up. i asked her, do u want me to stay away and give u ur space or still be around? she said i should do what i think is best...i told her that its not up to me, i want to accommodate to her. she never said anything. i knew she loves me and i know i made a few mistakes but ever since then ive been so good to her. shes mad that i didnt take back what i said about not having faith in the relationship...yeah i may have never specifically taken it back but i've showed and proven to her how much i believe in our relationship. ive talked to her about moving in and getting married. why is she holding on to something so negative? shes so mad that she had to chase me and i used to shoot her down. i made a mistake, a mistake that ive made up for ever since. is she like this because of the grief? what should i do? i know she doesnt want me to go away or else she would have said so when i asked. does she want me to prove to her again that i love her? thanks again guys

Hey guys, My birthday is in 1.5 hours and i dont think she will call me. Shes been so distant and i havent spoken to her in 2 days so i sent her the following voicemail at around 4pm today: "hey, i hope you are doing okay and your preparations for your trip are going well. what i called to say is that, i'm all about putting your wants and needs ahead of mine and would never put you in a position of feeling uncomfortable since you have so much on your plate. i want to first apologize for possibly doing anything wrong, whether it be anything i said or done. you have not accepted or come to me for any support and it could be reasons unrelated to me but i just want to make sure that it's not because of me. i want you to feel as comfortable as possible with me for support, in any form. the reason i say this is because your well being is extremely important to me and if u do feel uncomfortable with me i would either like to fix that so you can come to me, or if you prefer that i stay away, then i can accomodate to that as well with no hard feelings. i want to make sure u get what u want in terms of helping u through this. at least if i know, i can accomodate `accordingly so theres no grey area and hopefully it will help u feel better. again, im sorry if i have done anything wrong, please know that my intentions are always good. take care." its been 6.5 hours and she hasnt responded in any way. I'm blue.

Thank you Leann, I am so nervous when I talk to her...im so scared i will say the wrong thing and rub her the wrong way....i mean this is the girl i've been with for 2 years so its strange for me to say that....but im just so nervous...i want to do everything right so i can not only help her, but be with her again...i miss her so much, u guys have NO IDEA

You guys are so best, all of you...I am so happy to have found this site...you guys really provide insight that i did not see on my own okay, so i will take your advice and try to give her some space and not put too much pressure that leaves the question, what do i talk to her about? im not going to talk about her feelings, her mom, or anything like that....i cant talk about "us". What are some of the topics i can touch upon?

Leann, I get what you are saying and it makes a lot of sense but i dunno, i definitely dont want her to be in pain but i also dont want her to put on a mask. If she's okay, then great but why do i have the feeling inside of me that she's not and she's just wearing a mask...and i guess it hurts ME because i should be the one person she doesnt have to do that with....am i making any sense? i feel like im going crazy

Thank you bfy, when you say your world came crashing down...did you put up a disguise with the people around you? I am feeling so much pain right now...i just don't know what to do anymore...she acts like there is nothing wrong...we were texting last night and she was pretty responsive, but she puts up such a front. OMG, it kills me...she sends all these "lol" and "haha" and smiley faces. I know she's devastated, so why doesn't she either a) just act devastated or push everyone away....here is an example of our texts last night Me: Is there anything I can do for you? Her: smile Me: U got it sooo backwards, thats what i ask you to do! Her: Me: Therrrreee it is Me: My biggest gift to you is to help you when/if you ever need me, so we can crank out more of those smiles Her: I do... trust me i smile when I talk to mom. I'm good AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I feel like punching a wall...why is she acting like nothing is wrong? what does this mean???

Marty, Kay, Leann, and everyone else...thank you so much...i love the girl too much to give up on her and us Marty, i will read over EVERY link you posted and keep you updated on how my journey goes with her....please subscribe to this thread as i will probably rant on any changes and hopefully can get more advice...i am so happy to have found this site one more quick question...do you need medical insurance to visit a grief counselor? meaning, how much do sessions typically cost?

Thank you again Kay....i want to recommend a grief counselor to her but i'm so scared...how do i approach her about it? i feel like its so early and she will take it the wrong way or something. We're already so distant, i don't know how to bring it up...what if shes not ready for that kind of recommendation? any suggestions?

Thank you all for your kinds words and hope. Kay i wish i could end up how your situation played out. I feel like if i recommend her a grief counselor, it will rub her the wrong way...i don't know, i want to help, i just don't know how she's so distant from me...it's like...imagine saying I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU TOO one day, and then the next day, we're practically acquaintances...the most i ever ask her is how her day is going, and thats the extent of our conversation everyday i wish she would just finally come to me...that should finally drop the front and just utilize me in any way she wants...i was her boyfriend, HOW could she forget that? i know her mom passed away, but i've helped her through so much these past few years...why isn't she letting me help with this?

Thank you Leann and Kavish, do you think she will come back to me once her feeling are less raw? I know it sounds extremely selfish and i won't talk about "us" with her which is why I am here....but we were in love, and i know she's in love with me...maybe shes confused? or her rationale thoughts dont exist? I don't think humans have an On/Off switch when it comes to loving someone....we were PERFECT the day before...i love you this, i love you that...the day it happened, BAM...180 degrees We've always been so faithful to each other, shes been there for me through thick and thin You think there's a good chance she'll come back?

Hi guys, I am new to the site and would like to say hello along with asking for guidance with my current situation... Me and my girlfriend love each other, and have been in a relationship for 2 years. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer last July and passed away 16 days ago. She is only 22 years old (turning 23 in August). She has an older brother and a father who verbally (and sometimes physically) abused both her and her mother. She hated her father, he didn't care about her mothers condition, he didnt care about her, and when she was diagnosed, he still lived his life like a horrible insensitive human being. Before death, She said that she wants to get out of the house and seperate herself from her bro and dad. Also, her mom liked me, i had a good relationship with her and she kept her relationship with me a secret because she knew the father and husband wouldnt approve but did so to keep her daughter happy. So basically, her father and bro would hate anyone she dated. Fast forward to a day before her passing away...me and my gf were all in love and i told her that i'd be there for her and everything... the day after, and after the funeral, she became distant, stopped saying "i love you", and pretty much pushed me away. I figured she was going through a lot so she just needed space but then a few days after her passing away she asked me "promise me we'll always be friends" i was thrown off by that...one thing led to another and she said that "we cant get married" i was shocked, like i was in the twilight zone...i asked her why? she said that her mom was stickler for religion and she wanted the couple to share the same values (we are of different religions) mind you, neither of us are religious, and she is even less religious than i am...that was never a problem when we fell in love and her mom never had a problem with it cause her daughter was so happy...so i told her, i said ur mom wanted u to be happy, which is why she never frowned upon our relationship. but my gf didnt want to hear it, she said she wants to do everything for her mom, she wants to quit her job and do something similar to what her mom did, if her mom picked someone for her to marry and even if my gf likes the guy 1 percent she will do it. THAT IS NOT LIKE MY GF AT ALL. oh and get this, her bro and dad are PERFECT SAINTS now. Apparently they have "CHANGED". I dont think this change will sustain. Her dad and bro went from treating her like complete crap to a complete princess. shes so distant from me, she doesnt call me anymore, we text once every few hours only cause i check up on her....im going crazy, i want to be with her forever and help her through this what do i do? what do i think of this? are we over? does she just need time? is she confused? is she not thinking rationally? i feel like living through someone else, even if its ur mom, and forgoing ur happiness is bad for a person in the long term help me, please...thank you