Hi all.
I'm new here. My mum passed away last week of cholangiocarcinoma. She was diagnosed seven months ago and the cancer spread very rapidly. She had lived at the other end of the country from me for about four years, and so when she learned she was sick she came down to visit us kids and the grandkids. Then as she got sicker we all went up to her for a week of quality time with her, each kid on their own, and in the very last week of the illness we went once more to say our goodbyes. We wanted to be there for her more but plane fares were so much money and I for one had children to consider. In the better stages of her illness we skyped often and towards the end I rang her every two to three days to let her know I was as there as I could be, I did this until she couldn't answer the phone any longer. She was not alone in this time as she had moved to be with her brothers, sisters and elderly mother after spending seventeen long years raising us as a single mother.
The funny thing is, now that she is gone I am doing OK. It worries me a little. Am I supposed to be, or am I allowed to be doing OK? I think what has happened is that I had plenty of space in which to process Mum's illness while it was happening. I did a lot of crying while Mum was ill. It seemed that every time the phone rang we heard more bad news, and as her illness progressed so did the phone calls. So the crying became more and more frequent. I had a few temper tantrums but not many. In the last stages it felt like walking on eggs shells waiting for the call to say she'd gone and I did suffer many nightmares. I also battled terrible guilt because I know she wanted to come down and have me look after her and I wanted that also but the situation was that it was impossible for her to move being so sick, and impossible for me to leave my children for any great length because of their needs. I kept myself healthy with exercise, training at my local fire station and making sure I ate right. I let myself feel whatever it was I needed to feel at the time but did not allow myself to become bogged down.
When she did die, I was distraught for maybe three days. Then, strangely and unexpectedly, I accepted very quickly that she was gone. It did not stop me having moments of sadness, loss and even horror but I never expected to hold up so well and there's a part of me that is slightly concerned that it may all come back to me at some stage later down the track. I think though, that the worst and most horrible part, was watching her die the terrible death she did. Her being alive and suffering was by far the most grueling and so when it was over - it was just finally over!.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of response?
