Lainey

I think this is normal, but i wish it would go away soon.

My family and I honour Lars every Dec. 11th. We toast him, remember him and honor his life. We will be doing the same thing for Tom every year on Oct. 11th. Know that your darling saw you as the greatest and worthiest of her love. We all see our loved ones the same way.

Mary Linda... yes, I will get through this again, but it feels so different this time.. my grief has turned into a deep desperate hurt that won't go away. Everywhere I go.... he's there. I can't seem to get the memories out my mind . Summer is coming and we always went on an extended holiday. He should be sitting in front of the computer finding camping spots and thing for us to do, but the chair is empty. I don't want summer to come. I have six grandgirls and they are all helping me. The youngest two are four and two, their hugs and kisses help keep me going. I look after them two days a week, but in my emotional state, am cutting back to one day a week or my older granddaughter will come and help me. I am so tired and they can play a twenty year old out. No animals for me, had a cat and a few dogs and if i can't look after myself right now, i don't think I'd be much good to them. My biggest problem is that i do expect more than i can give.Something i must work on.

Thanks Marty and Kay... makes me feel better to know that you verify my pain.

Isn't that the truth....

Thank you all for your support. This group has been a God send to me , not only now, but in 2010 . Sometimes I wonder how many steps forward and backward I will need to take before the pain reduces somewhat.

You are so right in what you're saying, Kay. I really did think that because going through the experience once would give me the knowledge to know what I needed to do. I knew Lars had cancer and a short time to live and I prepared by going to the funeral home, doing what needed to be done there... had the obit prepared....flowers picked out. I was mourning before he passed. Tom passed with no warning, you know the heart is not in the best shape , but we tend not to think of the possibility of death. And in the blink of an eye they are gone and we are in shock.Our situation was different in that his daughter had no use for me . We had made plans for each others funeral, but never got around to writing them down.Never wait with things like that, they are important to have in writing with signatures and witnesses. Because of this , she took control , even though her brother was the executor, and had final say. So not only did I have nothing to do with the planning, but the obit mentioned my name in passing and my kids weren't mentioned or asked to speak.

So i am almost at my five month mark since Tom left and I have been doing quite well.. I see a pschologist once a week, I joined a Grief Share group and we meet once a week, I have reached out to the women in our group, I met a new friend in my apartment block, joined the gym. I was doing one thing a week for myself and starting to feel that i might just conquer all the demons.. wham ... My sister in law passed on March 5th from cancer. Now Is the time I need Tom, I need his arms around me for comfort, I need his calm voice telling me it will be okay and his kiss on my forehead to tell me that all will be okay. Now what do I do? I haven't felt his loss this badly for a while now and I want him with me

So I really thought that since I went through the grief thing nine years ago, I would be able to understand the feelings I'm having now.How different they are In both losses I made myself so busy the first two months, I was so exhausted from getting rid of stuff, moving this time, I was too tired to grieve. Once I slowed down a bit, all I wanted to do was sleep the first around. This time sleeping scares me, I might dream about him and then I'll wake up crying. Is it because Lars ' death was slow...cancer...I was caregiver and watched him suffer through the pain and drugs that did nothing? His death was imminent and as sad as it was, the family was thankful that the terrible suffering was over for Lars. After being with him for forty two years it was like a piece of me left. I was so lucky to meet another wonderful man four years later. Because we were older, kids grown, not alot of money worries, we did the things that we both had planned to do with our first spouses.We had no idea that his heart was so bad, he was living on borrowed time. Tom's death was sudden... we were teasing each other and he lurched out of his chair clutching his chest, then fell back into his chair. I did chest compressions to keep him breathing until the EMT's got there. Once in the hospital, heart surgery was done and it just got worse. I watched the nurses stop the life supports and he passed minutes later. Kissing two men goodbye because of death is hard. I have lost so much of my silliness, my spunk, my sassiness, because a huge void is in my heart. I know from experience that this pain lessens slowly and we begin to feel like becoming human again. It takes time and many, many hours of work and counselling.Right now I truly don't think i could do this again . Who knows.. The sadness that I carry right now is heavy... it bends me over with the heaviness and heart pain. I am not interested in meeting people ..old friends or making new ones. I don't want to do my scrapbooking, I don't want to go to the gym..my only solace is my two young granddaughters . Their little arms hugging me and kisses from them are what keeps me going. I have older granddaughters that i see also , they are wonderful but don't offer the hugs and kisses that the babies do. My children are wonderful also... but they can't replace the love between spouses. Thanks for letting me try to explain how I am feeling.

We had planned on going back to Hawaii this coming winter, but I guess that's something in the past. I don't think I'd want to go on a holiday by myself either. I really don't think it's a safe thing to do anymore.

Your art is wonderful, as is the poem. I wish I knew what I was was looking for.

Kayc, I'm thinking the same thing. I 'm not ready to venture for very long. In fact my kids and I will plan a day ending with me going to their place for supper or a massage. Last weekend I didn't go for the massage or dinner, simply because Tom wasn't with me. The only place I will go for a few days is my sisters . We went there often in the years we were together and I can feel him there. We also did alot of travelling through Canada and were hoping to do much more in the next few years. those plans are now a mute point... but I can't imagine going places without him. Hope that will change in a year or two. Grief changes a persons life... we all grieve differently but I think the pain we feel is all the same. Hugs to all that need one...

Kevin, you're right all this stuff is a diversion and then something else happens and you feel like you're back at square one. My last psychologist appointment began with me telling her about our day when he passed, his passing, the funeral, his families feeling towards me and more. After crying the full hour while telling her the story, I have to admit that I felt much better. This was this past Monday, Tues and Wed were okay... Thurs little things began popping in my head and yesterday and today have been totally lost. It took a while to figure out what caused this... the radio had ads on about camping and trailers. every time I heard it, it gave my heart a little more sadness. We loved going to trailer shows and in fact when we got home last summer we bought the trailer of our dreams. We used it three times last summer before we had to store it. Now the excitement of this summer camping and travelling is making me wish that I wasn't here anymore. I know that I could never harm myself because of my family... but I'm missing Tom so much now that all the things i did to move forward aren't helping much

Oh Tom , that is so beautiful. What a wonderful memory to have forever. Your wedding picture is also beautiful. You may not appreciate it this year, but I'm sure that as time passes and you begin to feel a bit better, you will be thankful to have it. In fact my advice to anyone that has just lost a loved one is to not rush to get personal items removed too quickly. What we think won't be important may end up to be the most precious gift you will have. Luckily some of the things I gave away were to my kids so I was able to borrow them. Hugs to you

Valentine's Day is a hard day. I just don't go anywhere that have couples, so basically I stay home. We went out the 13th also and we always had Chinese . Another thing to stay away from. I made my family a Valentine supper on Sunday, roast beef and all the trimming The only thing reminding me of Valentines was the hearts my 4 yr old grandgirl put on the patio windows. For me this is my second time and I can tell you that it does get better as time passes. Join grief groups like this one and you could go to grief share, I think it's in most cities in North America. Lean into your grief, feel the waves of grief pass over you. Hugs to you

Tom... I know what you mean about reliving it. My Tom and I were laughing about something and the next second he lurched out of his chair and then fell back into it. As soon as that happened I started the compressions and phoned 911. Did them also until EMT's arrived, they did get a pulse but I think we all knew that his aorta burst and there wasn't much hope. At the strangest times, the scene hits me again and it devastates me again. Funny that you had pet names, but I imagine alot of did. And very seldom that I called him Tom or Thomas, it was usually Sweetie pie and I was Honey bun. Where do we get the pet names from anyway? I have also involved myself with Grief Share and one of the men has been through this journey twice also. We know each other so stopped and chatted after the meeting. I am quite proud of my little steps this week. Hopefully we all can make a few little steps every week until we can feel that we may actually start to live again.

The swirling confusion in my brain seems to have slowed down a bit. I have learned long ago that the more we share, the pain lessens to a degree.So i have joined grief share in my town... this is my second time in nine years and I was lucky enough to get the same facillatator as I had that time. I also went to my doctor for a referral to someone that can help with grief. After I had my first session with her, I came home and realized that I will do this. My first thing she wanted me to do was do something for me. The next day I joined the gym again and I feel good that I'm working on my health and I still enjoy walking. Tiny steps as they say. Thanks for caring enough to respond to my message.

So I really thought that since I went through the grief thing nine years ago, I would be able to understand the feelings I'm having now.How different they are In both losses I made myself so busy the first two months, I was so exhausted from getting rid of stuff, moving this time, I was too tired to grieve. Once I slowed down a bit, all I wanted to do was sleep the first around. This time sleeping scares me, I might dream about him and then I'll wake up crying. Is it because Lars ' death was slow...cancer...I was caregiver and watched him suffer through the pain and drugs that did nothing? His death was imminent and as sad as it was, the family was thankful that the terrible suffering was over for Lars. After being with him for forty two years it was like a piece of me left. I was so lucky to meet another wonderful man four years later. Because we were older, kids grown, not alot of money worries, we did the things that we both had planned to do with our first spouses.We had no idea that his heart was so bad, he was living on borrowed time. Tom's death was sudden... we were teasing each other and he lurched out of his chair clutching his chest, then fell back into his chair. I did chest compressions to keep him breathing until the EMT's got there. Once in the hospital, heart surgery was done and it just got worse. I watched the nurses stop the life supports and he passed minutes later. Kissing two men goodbye because of death is hard. I have lost so much of my silliness, my spunk, my sassiness, because a huge void is in my heart. I know from experience that this pain lessens slowly and we begin to feel like becoming human again. It takes time and many, many hours of work and counselling.Right now I truly don't think i could do this again . Who knows.. The sadness that I carry right now is heavy... it bends me over with the heaviness and heart pain. I am not interested in meeting people ..old friends or making new ones. I don't want to do my scrapbooking, I don't want to go to the gym..my only solace is my two young granddaughters . Their little arms hugging me and kisses from them are what keeps me going. I have older granddaughters that i see also , they are wonderful but don't offer the hugs and kisses that the babies do. My children are wonderful also... but they can't replace the love between spouses. Thanks for letting me try to explain how I am feeling.

Tom, 26 years... you must be very proud of yourself. My sister was in AA and I know she had a huge support group. She has never had a loss like we have had and I pray that she is strong enough to not want a drink if her spouse passed. Hopefully she will realize that her group would help her. Please don't think I'm condoning having a drink. With my second loss, the urge isn't there. This time around my feelings are different, my heart and soul are empty.... I am frozen inside. I don't want to see people, I haven't the energy. I would just be content to sleep the rest of my life away. And yes...having an "accident" would be so simple But I have children and grandchildren that I could never do that to. So I patiently sit here and try to find some semblance in my life' I know from experience that it will get better and one day I will be able to laugh and mean it.

Kay... I know the feeling from the first loss. I remember waking up one Friday morning thinking that I need to check if I had enough booze in the house for the weekend. That shocked me, as like you , there is alcoholism is my family and I always said I would never go down that road. That was the end of drinking .

Pauly...... I wish it was only a couple of days . I'm sorry to tell you that it can last for years. There is no time limit on grief, we learn to live with the pain and sadness. Missing the physical person is the worst part.

Hi Pauly, I'm sorry that you need to join our group. The people on here have all gone through the pain of losing our halves, the person that is there for us regardless. The person who loves us unconditionally. They are gone and we have a hole in our hearts that we don't know how to fill. Every first is the hardest, and for me Christmas and New years is hard every year. Hitting the Bottle is something not to be ashamed of as long as it doesn't become your crutch. You were brave enough to admit it, most of us don't.... This is my second loss in nine years and I'm crushed for a second time, but I learned the first time that things get better, you can become complete again. Life goes on and so do we whether we want to or not. Once you feel up to it. may I suggest that you look for support groups, grief sharing and definitely stay here. The people here are very wise and supportive. The more things you can involve yourself in, the better. I sincerely hope this doesn't sound like a lecture.... just that I care that you're hurting

Darrell... Happy New Year to you also... I'm finding it so hard to look past the next day, much less the next week or month. I have done it once and really don't have the desire or the energy to do it again.I feel like I'm wallowing in so much sorrow and just cannot pull myself out. Time to see a professional and hopefully start living for the future and not the past. I have a wonderful support system, three kids and six grandgirls. They try their hardest to keep me busy and surround me with as much love and kindness that they can.... they are not Tom and can't replace him. You could be right about the second year being much worse. I think we come out of our shell and realize the reality that this is our new life and new norm.On my first time with grief, that's what happened to me. This is not an easy path to be on, but from experience, the pain does lessen, and we do , at some point, start to feel our hearts begin to open up and let love and happiness back into our life. One foot in front of the other... Lainey

Dear Missing you so much, I'm sorry you need to join the group, but from experience, this is exactly where you need to be. These people are all experiencing or have experienced the same things you are and they gather around and cocoon you in their arms and hearts. You are safe here and can say anything you need to..I know from my own experience. Kay C's tips are absolutely right on target. It is not an easy or pretty path that we must take in our grief, but as time passes we do learn to accept what has happened and our pain does lessen. Does it disappear? not really, we carry it within our hearts, but it doesn't overwhelm us. We do learn to live again. One step... one minute... baby steps... the only way to do it. Sending hugs , Lainey