Suzanne R.

Well, it's been 20 months today being the 22nd. It seems like every day is the same. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm living here in this world and he's not. I believe that there is a tiny part of my brain that never will accept it. I'm sorry to say I really dislike life right now and I'm not looking forward to future days either. Death is so final. We are so mortal. This is the greatest test of my Faith. I believe love for God comes first and then love of family. But it was so much easier to say that before he died. If it was up to me Danny would have lived well beyond the age of 61. I suppose it really was His will, not mine. Who am I to say when we must depart from this world. I'm just waiting for God to give me direction. I just don't have the motivation to make any more decisions. I'm just leaving my life up to God. God bless to all, Suzanne

Dear Deborah, You know, I don't think you really know how much your reply has helped me. It's such a shame that you are so understanding of my emotional posts because that means that you share my deep-seated sad feelings. It seems when I feel really down I need to share my thoughts. It is only when I receive messages from others like you that I find relief. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you and all of us find peace somehow. It's good to have friends that know how it really is. Thank you for that. God bless, Suzanne

How do I get through one night without you If I had to live without you What kind of life would that be Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold You're my world, my heart, my soul If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything good in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky There would be no love in my life There'd be no world left for me And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do I'd be lost if I lost you If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything real in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live Please tell me baby How do I go on If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything Need you with me Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live How do I live without you How do I live without you baby How do I live I finally found these words without having to listen to the singer. All I wanted to do was make the point that I will never have an answer. I was mistaken about the meaning to this song. On January 1, 1998 a very dear person who befriended me and I talked with for hours on the phone every night for 7 months and my husband never complained because she helped me so much. A week after my friend died I was doing my walking at the Y and this song came on by Leann Rhymes and I cried silently to myself. When I heard 'How do I live without you' I thought it meant that the singer was talking about someone who left her. But I never really heard, "If you ever leave" and so I was really shocked. I don't have an answer since he (my husband) really did go without me, I am living this horrible nightmare when I think, "how do I get through one (more) night without you", "how do I live without you", "how do I breathe without you", "how do I ever, ever survive", "how do I ever go on" because my answer is "I can't," "I can't, "I can't," "I can't," "I can't." He is my world, my heart and my soul. Everything good that was in my life was taken away when he died. Now, there is no sun in my sky, there is no love in my life, Danny, I can't get through one night without you, I can't live without you, I can't breathe without you and I will never, ever survive without you. I think I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life weeping for you. I don't want to, but I can't get over you. I think in years to come when I'm gone all those who will live here in this apartment after me will hear ghostly cries, me sobbing, weeping, laughter turned into tears because they just keep coming, an internal waterfall of tears that stop only momentarily. They will most likely have to ask 'who used to live here' and they would find out it was Dan & Sue, it must be Sue that you hear crying because it was he who died first. Suzanne (Sue)

Hi mfh, Thank you for your understanding, kind words and support. It's not that I want to grieve for the rest of my life. But I just know that I have to live with it and since I would prefer not to accept that he is gone, I need to at least accept living with the grief that accompanies the sadness. I believe it's not in my control. Now I know why some believe that this life is hell. (I don't believe it, but I understand why some do.) I don't remember if I said this before, but I am sorry for your loss as well. God bless, Suzanne Dear kayc, You have expressed your feelings and thoughts beautifully and eloquently because I believe you wrote them from your heart. I agree with all that you said. Thank you for reminding me of the love my own husband gave me. God bless, Suzanne Dear Mary, It is clear that we don't have a choice in this. Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry for your loss. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

It's been nineteen months today that he passed away and I still haven't wrapped my head around my new life without him. I don't think I ever will. I don't want a new "normal." I don't want to move forward. I don't care if I have this sad, empty, lonely feeling for the rest of my life. He's gone, so there's nothing to be happy about. I always feel especially low on the 22nd of every month so I just needed to share what's on my mind. God bless, Suzanne

Dwayne, Thank you for giving me some insight into what you have been going through. Sorry it hasn't been that easy for you. But I know as you have helped me, I pray that you receive God's blessings and peace as well. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Mary and Marc, Thank you both for your replies. I find that I can breathe again when I feel the understanding here as you have shown me by your comments. Thanks so much. God bless, Suzanne

Hi Susie Q, I know how I must sound to everyone here, but I also know that you all know that I'm only as crazed as I am grieving. Did I mention that I seem to myself to be an adult going through a temper tantrum? Well, you and everyone here are all going at your own pace and judging from all your replies I am so glad and I hope it's true that nothing I said hurt anyone. I think even though we are all going through similar pain we are each going through our own personal nightmare. It is such a relief to know that everyone here is so understanding and caring of all our fellow sufferers. In a certain sense I feel I am totally alone, but intellectually I know I am not. You have such a tranquil mindset, Susie and if it were at all possible by the grace of God I could only look at things the way you and everyone here does. Thank you all for reading my dark moments from deep within. It's good to have a place to come and share and feel the love and support from you all. You are right, Susie we will all get to where we are meant to be. As you know some days are worse than others. May you have peace. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Nicholas, A part of me doesn't want anything to change, even my emotional pain and grief because that would only mean that I would be at the point in my life that he truly would only be a memory. My heart aches because I've said from that day that he died that I never want him to be a memory so for a year and a half I've also grieved for my future days when he will be a distant memory. That is my second worst fear, the first was that he will not make it. I weep now for the day that his memory makes me smile. However, I do really thank you for your reply and help and your concern. God bless, Suzanne Di, I am also 57 and I know there is no future for me and I say this with the same conviction that my eyes are blue. I thank you for your kind thoughts and attempt to comfort me and I am so sorry if I make you or anyone sad when I say this that I know I won't have any kind of life from this day on. I honestly believe this to be my absolute truth, my intention is only to state facts, not to project into my future. I just know in my heart that when he died, so did my spirit (for living). It's true there are as many ways of grief as there are people in the world, and we each have our own pathway. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to grieve, or to be negative or unhappy or depressed or hopeless. That's just how it is with me. It's a fact and as I mentioned to Nicholas, the day I remember him with a smile is the day I weep for now. I don't want him to be a memory. I believe I don't have the capacity to have joy or be happy because he is no longer here. I have heard more times than I can count 'what do you think that he would want' and I am just being as truthful as I can and please don't misunderstand as I have been saying this for an entire year and a half to others that I would prefer to not let him control me in the afterlife. This is where I would hope that whoever I tell this to will have a little chuckle over my comment. But I really mean it, that I wouldn't want him to control me in life, why would I start now that he's gone. I am so grateful that he doesn't have to go through this, so now I am trying to control what I can. That means if I feel pain and sorrow for the rest of my life, I would be in control of my behaviors and actions. I couldn't control him staying alive. But, I really do know you don't mean it in the same way. You seem very compassionate and loving and a caring person. Since we are all different I hope and pray that you stay positive and live the way your husband would want you to, because of the love you and he had for one another. Danny was everything to me also and his sister told me I was everything to him, so I understand what you are saying. I just figure if I have to live alone, without him, I accept the sadness and lonliness I feel. I don't like it but I have to accept it. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care. God bless, Suzanne Dear Dwayne, It is just my opinion that you are in the place you are in because your grief already started before Pauline passed away. That happened with me when my mother died because in the last 5 years of her life she had Alzheimer's and dementia so she didn't remember me. I lived with the memory of her face not knowing me so it had the effect on me as if I was grieving for her loss and I didn't realize until after the death of my husband. It still is very hard for you, as you said. You have a remarkable positive attitude and a wonderful goal and I do believe you will accomplish what you have set your mind on doing. With the sad experience you had, you will most likely be very skillfull in understanding those you will take care of in your line of work. It seems you and the others who replied to my post are very considerate and compassionate and I want to thank you for your kindness and words of comfort. I do happen to believe all that you said, I know God is with me and will never leave me. It's just that I can't change what I feel and what I think. Also, I truly believe my joy and happiness awaits me in the next life. I don't know how I could be happy in this lifetime, not without my husband, Danny. But, you have provided words of encouragement and hope and I am grateful for that. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

I just needed to share, maybe vent a little, since 1/22/10 when my husband passed, I have, like everyone else, been on the emotional roller coaster that will never stop for me. Some tell me I've gotten better. But, I wonder, better than what. I wouldn't want anyone to think, especially those who are new to this, that my path is what yours will be, because as most know, everyone's path is on their own timetable. I'm just speaking for myself, that I still feel, think, and believe the same things that I have written or talked about from day one, which is by far my worst day imaginable. I was able to visit the cemetery today. I'd like to go every Friday because that's the day he passed. But, I must take 2 buses and walk a half a mile to get there. After my visit, then I walk 3/4 of a mile to get the bus back to 'our' apartment. I'm not exaggerating that I think it was 100 degrees, but I'm so glad I was able to go especially today, the 22nd of July. Sometimes it doesn't work out, like. when I wake up, my vertigo will start, or anxiety will kick in, or I'll be exhausted from little sleep or I'll wake up too late or there is something I have to do that won't keep, or it's raining or snowing (in winter). I couldn't help thinking while I was there and silently praying and weeping that this is the kind of day we would be at the beach with his sister, putting lotion on each other's backs, instead of me sitting on a towel on the grass where he's buried. I honestly just want to be in my rightful place lieing beside him. I know others may say all the things that they believe are the right ways to think and do, however this is what I would want because I don't want to live without him, I am just not a happy camper, so until God lets me know what His will is, I await His Word and lets me know what He wants me to do. But if some people want to buy a car or a house or take a trip and they take it, it's no different than what I wish. The only thing is that I understand it's up to God. I'm just saying this is how I feel. Some of us want to heal, but I don't, some just want to stop feeling like this. If I could live the rest of my life feeling miserable and grieving like this, but he was alive and here with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. In a year and a half I don't miss him any less. I'm alive and breathing but I hate life without him and that's the truth. Not self-pity, just grieving. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Mary, This is why I share, even though sometimes I am hesitant because others may be at a different place and would rather not read posts that are only here to vent and purge ourselves of these feelings. They are not very pleasant or welcome, (the feelings) but when I am validated and understood especially in which you have done for me, it makes me feel relief. I am also so sorry that you and everyone here are going through this horrible time in our lives. You are very kind to answer and try to help. We are all doing it. Getting from one day to the next and I thank you for being there for me. Screaming inside, but keeping a straight face for those who don't get it. That's me. I don't know how we do it. But to have somewhere to go to makes it bearable somehow. Take care. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne

Dear west, Yes, I agree with everything you said. Thank you for your reply. Sometimes there are questions that require no answers they just are, being rhetorical. I was expressing my feelings and you have understood and I am very thankful to you. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne

I just wanted to mark today by remembering the 22nd of each month because my husband passed away on 1/22/10. I can perfectly understand how others feel since millions and everyone here are all going through this personal pain. At my bereavement group at Hospice, others have told me that I have gotten better. I really don't understand this, because I have the same thoughts and feelings as I had from the beginning. Maybe it looks like I have a different demeanor only because I am going through the motions of everyday living. But no one knows what's going on within me. Well, I am a basket case. What I don't understand is why I don't literally faint every day when I awaken at the realization of suddenly being without him again, and I don't understand how I can keep getting up out of bed every morning and do errands, go to appointments, do laundry and other things that living beings are required to do. I don't get it. Why have I not had a nervous breakdown or several in fact. I don't understand why some days I go without weeping. And how I stop crying once I start, because inside me is a waterfall of sobs that still need to fall. I know they are in me, because the tears always start again. I don't know why I act like life is normal when people say anything to me, like the postal clerks, bank tellers, cashiers and when I get a call from a family member. I act like Danny is just waiting for me at home or in the other room. But, it is empty when I get home or go into another room, then I remember to act like I really feel. I really don't understand that living like this is my life now. I wish there was a pill to take to get to sleep that I could take every day I wake up to go back to sleep for the next 24 hours for the next 40 years. There is no such pill. So, I will be continuing to live and I will continue to do what I need to do until the day comes for me or until I understand. God bless, Suzanne

When I used to say my morning prayers I exulted when thanking God for all the seasons, the exquisite array of living things, the beautiful flowers, the grass, the trees as well as all the natural wonders, the waterfalls, the rainbows, the snowfall, the rythmic splash of rainfall against my windows, and the bountiful brilliant colors of the Autumn trees, the pastel colors of the evening time when the moon shone brightly in the sky and in the morning sunrise, the rolling waves against the shore of the beaches. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I listened to all kinds of music, there was a lilt in my soul and a smile on my face when the beat of all types of genres of music matched the beating of my heart. I absolutely loved all the notes of those whose voices lifted me spiritually and emotionally. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I had tasks that I voluntarily performed on my computer I had to wait for the cursor that turned into a timepiece and my screensaver would pop open of all my pictures that I use of wondrous sea scenes, and blue skies with a few puffy clouds and I particularly was extremely fond of gazing lovingly upon my loved ones, Danny, our two sons, their children in various family settings, Dan and I were grinning from ear to ear. Little did I know that these would be the last pictures during the summer of 2008 when his sister took us to the beach and we were as giddy as small children. That was before when Dan was still with me. Now, that it's the 22nd of May, it's been 16 months since he passed away. Now, when I thank God when I say my morning prayers, life is quite different, even though I am still thankful for the beauty of the earth that God made, I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain. As an observer of myself, I don't smile much any more. I have temporary distractions of talk and smiles and laughter when my 2 adult sons and 'our' grandchildren are with me. But, at the end of the day I always go home alone, go to bed alone, and awaken the next day alone. Danny, if you can hear me, I still love and miss you more each day. I still wonder if you can hear me or not, but I hope you know that you were everything to me. These tears I cry can attest to that. Some may think I am wallowing in self-pity but I know that I am not. Life is not the same without you and I am just so much in love with you. I am hurting and the only thing that motivates me to go through the daily motions of life is knowing that at least you are not hurting any more. Thank you, God, for that.

Dear Deborah, Your kind words,condolences and prayers are really appreciated. It means so much to me to have understanding friends. I am sorry that you are in a position to understand, however, and you are in my prayers as well. God bless, Suzanne