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Suzanne R.

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  1. Well, it's been 20 months today being the 22nd. It seems like every day is the same. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm living here in this world and he's not. I believe that there is a tiny part of my brain that never will accept it. I'm sorry to say I really dislike life right now and I'm not looking forward to future days either. Death is so final. We are so mortal. This is the greatest test of my Faith. I believe love for God comes first and then love of family. But it was so much easier to say that before he died. If it was up to me Danny would have lived well beyond the age of 61. I suppose it really was His will, not mine. Who am I to say when we must depart from this world. I'm just waiting for God to give me direction. I just don't have the motivation to make any more decisions. I'm just leaving my life up to God. God bless to all, Suzanne
  2. Dear Deborah, You know, I don't think you really know how much your reply has helped me. It's such a shame that you are so understanding of my emotional posts because that means that you share my deep-seated sad feelings. It seems when I feel really down I need to share my thoughts. It is only when I receive messages from others like you that I find relief. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you and all of us find peace somehow. It's good to have friends that know how it really is. Thank you for that. God bless, Suzanne
  3. How do I get through one night without you If I had to live without you What kind of life would that be Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold You're my world, my heart, my soul If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything good in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky There would be no love in my life There'd be no world left for me And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do I'd be lost if I lost you If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything real in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live Please tell me baby How do I go on If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything Need you with me Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life And tell me now How do I live without you I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I Oh, how do I live How do I live without you How do I live without you baby How do I live I finally found these words without having to listen to the singer. All I wanted to do was make the point that I will never have an answer. I was mistaken about the meaning to this song. On January 1, 1998 a very dear person who befriended me and I talked with for hours on the phone every night for 7 months and my husband never complained because she helped me so much. A week after my friend died I was doing my walking at the Y and this song came on by Leann Rhymes and I cried silently to myself. When I heard 'How do I live without you' I thought it meant that the singer was talking about someone who left her. But I never really heard, "If you ever leave" and so I was really shocked. I don't have an answer since he (my husband) really did go without me, I am living this horrible nightmare when I think, "how do I get through one (more) night without you", "how do I live without you", "how do I breathe without you", "how do I ever, ever survive", "how do I ever go on" because my answer is "I can't," "I can't, "I can't," "I can't," "I can't." He is my world, my heart and my soul. Everything good that was in my life was taken away when he died. Now, there is no sun in my sky, there is no love in my life, Danny, I can't get through one night without you, I can't live without you, I can't breathe without you and I will never, ever survive without you. I think I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life weeping for you. I don't want to, but I can't get over you. I think in years to come when I'm gone all those who will live here in this apartment after me will hear ghostly cries, me sobbing, weeping, laughter turned into tears because they just keep coming, an internal waterfall of tears that stop only momentarily. They will most likely have to ask 'who used to live here' and they would find out it was Dan & Sue, it must be Sue that you hear crying because it was he who died first. Suzanne (Sue)
  4. Hi mfh, Thank you for your understanding, kind words and support. It's not that I want to grieve for the rest of my life. But I just know that I have to live with it and since I would prefer not to accept that he is gone, I need to at least accept living with the grief that accompanies the sadness. I believe it's not in my control. Now I know why some believe that this life is hell. (I don't believe it, but I understand why some do.) I don't remember if I said this before, but I am sorry for your loss as well. God bless, Suzanne Dear kayc, You have expressed your feelings and thoughts beautifully and eloquently because I believe you wrote them from your heart. I agree with all that you said. Thank you for reminding me of the love my own husband gave me. God bless, Suzanne Dear Mary, It is clear that we don't have a choice in this. Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry for your loss. Take care. God bless, Suzanne
  5. It's been nineteen months today that he passed away and I still haven't wrapped my head around my new life without him. I don't think I ever will. I don't want a new "normal." I don't want to move forward. I don't care if I have this sad, empty, lonely feeling for the rest of my life. He's gone, so there's nothing to be happy about. I always feel especially low on the 22nd of every month so I just needed to share what's on my mind. God bless, Suzanne
  6. Dwayne, Thank you for giving me some insight into what you have been going through. Sorry it hasn't been that easy for you. But I know as you have helped me, I pray that you receive God's blessings and peace as well. Take care. God bless, Suzanne
  7. Dear Mary and Marc, Thank you both for your replies. I find that I can breathe again when I feel the understanding here as you have shown me by your comments. Thanks so much. God bless, Suzanne
  8. Hi Susie Q, I know how I must sound to everyone here, but I also know that you all know that I'm only as crazed as I am grieving. Did I mention that I seem to myself to be an adult going through a temper tantrum? Well, you and everyone here are all going at your own pace and judging from all your replies I am so glad and I hope it's true that nothing I said hurt anyone. I think even though we are all going through similar pain we are each going through our own personal nightmare. It is such a relief to know that everyone here is so understanding and caring of all our fellow sufferers. In a certain sense I feel I am totally alone, but intellectually I know I am not. You have such a tranquil mindset, Susie and if it were at all possible by the grace of God I could only look at things the way you and everyone here does. Thank you all for reading my dark moments from deep within. It's good to have a place to come and share and feel the love and support from you all. You are right, Susie we will all get to where we are meant to be. As you know some days are worse than others. May you have peace. God bless, Suzanne
  9. Dear Nicholas, A part of me doesn't want anything to change, even my emotional pain and grief because that would only mean that I would be at the point in my life that he truly would only be a memory. My heart aches because I've said from that day that he died that I never want him to be a memory so for a year and a half I've also grieved for my future days when he will be a distant memory. That is my second worst fear, the first was that he will not make it. I weep now for the day that his memory makes me smile. However, I do really thank you for your reply and help and your concern. God bless, Suzanne Di, I am also 57 and I know there is no future for me and I say this with the same conviction that my eyes are blue. I thank you for your kind thoughts and attempt to comfort me and I am so sorry if I make you or anyone sad when I say this that I know I won't have any kind of life from this day on. I honestly believe this to be my absolute truth, my intention is only to state facts, not to project into my future. I just know in my heart that when he died, so did my spirit (for living). It's true there are as many ways of grief as there are people in the world, and we each have our own pathway. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to grieve, or to be negative or unhappy or depressed or hopeless. That's just how it is with me. It's a fact and as I mentioned to Nicholas, the day I remember him with a smile is the day I weep for now. I don't want him to be a memory. I believe I don't have the capacity to have joy or be happy because he is no longer here. I have heard more times than I can count 'what do you think that he would want' and I am just being as truthful as I can and please don't misunderstand as I have been saying this for an entire year and a half to others that I would prefer to not let him control me in the afterlife. This is where I would hope that whoever I tell this to will have a little chuckle over my comment. But I really mean it, that I wouldn't want him to control me in life, why would I start now that he's gone. I am so grateful that he doesn't have to go through this, so now I am trying to control what I can. That means if I feel pain and sorrow for the rest of my life, I would be in control of my behaviors and actions. I couldn't control him staying alive. But, I really do know you don't mean it in the same way. You seem very compassionate and loving and a caring person. Since we are all different I hope and pray that you stay positive and live the way your husband would want you to, because of the love you and he had for one another. Danny was everything to me also and his sister told me I was everything to him, so I understand what you are saying. I just figure if I have to live alone, without him, I accept the sadness and lonliness I feel. I don't like it but I have to accept it. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care. God bless, Suzanne Dear Dwayne, It is just my opinion that you are in the place you are in because your grief already started before Pauline passed away. That happened with me when my mother died because in the last 5 years of her life she had Alzheimer's and dementia so she didn't remember me. I lived with the memory of her face not knowing me so it had the effect on me as if I was grieving for her loss and I didn't realize until after the death of my husband. It still is very hard for you, as you said. You have a remarkable positive attitude and a wonderful goal and I do believe you will accomplish what you have set your mind on doing. With the sad experience you had, you will most likely be very skillfull in understanding those you will take care of in your line of work. It seems you and the others who replied to my post are very considerate and compassionate and I want to thank you for your kindness and words of comfort. I do happen to believe all that you said, I know God is with me and will never leave me. It's just that I can't change what I feel and what I think. Also, I truly believe my joy and happiness awaits me in the next life. I don't know how I could be happy in this lifetime, not without my husband, Danny. But, you have provided words of encouragement and hope and I am grateful for that. Take care. God bless, Suzanne
  10. I just needed to share, maybe vent a little, since 1/22/10 when my husband passed, I have, like everyone else, been on the emotional roller coaster that will never stop for me. Some tell me I've gotten better. But, I wonder, better than what. I wouldn't want anyone to think, especially those who are new to this, that my path is what yours will be, because as most know, everyone's path is on their own timetable. I'm just speaking for myself, that I still feel, think, and believe the same things that I have written or talked about from day one, which is by far my worst day imaginable. I was able to visit the cemetery today. I'd like to go every Friday because that's the day he passed. But, I must take 2 buses and walk a half a mile to get there. After my visit, then I walk 3/4 of a mile to get the bus back to 'our' apartment. I'm not exaggerating that I think it was 100 degrees, but I'm so glad I was able to go especially today, the 22nd of July. Sometimes it doesn't work out, like. when I wake up, my vertigo will start, or anxiety will kick in, or I'll be exhausted from little sleep or I'll wake up too late or there is something I have to do that won't keep, or it's raining or snowing (in winter). I couldn't help thinking while I was there and silently praying and weeping that this is the kind of day we would be at the beach with his sister, putting lotion on each other's backs, instead of me sitting on a towel on the grass where he's buried. I honestly just want to be in my rightful place lieing beside him. I know others may say all the things that they believe are the right ways to think and do, however this is what I would want because I don't want to live without him, I am just not a happy camper, so until God lets me know what His will is, I await His Word and lets me know what He wants me to do. But if some people want to buy a car or a house or take a trip and they take it, it's no different than what I wish. The only thing is that I understand it's up to God. I'm just saying this is how I feel. Some of us want to heal, but I don't, some just want to stop feeling like this. If I could live the rest of my life feeling miserable and grieving like this, but he was alive and here with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. In a year and a half I don't miss him any less. I'm alive and breathing but I hate life without him and that's the truth. Not self-pity, just grieving. God bless, Suzanne
  11. Dear Mary, This is why I share, even though sometimes I am hesitant because others may be at a different place and would rather not read posts that are only here to vent and purge ourselves of these feelings. They are not very pleasant or welcome, (the feelings) but when I am validated and understood especially in which you have done for me, it makes me feel relief. I am also so sorry that you and everyone here are going through this horrible time in our lives. You are very kind to answer and try to help. We are all doing it. Getting from one day to the next and I thank you for being there for me. Screaming inside, but keeping a straight face for those who don't get it. That's me. I don't know how we do it. But to have somewhere to go to makes it bearable somehow. Take care. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne
  12. Dear west, Yes, I agree with everything you said. Thank you for your reply. Sometimes there are questions that require no answers they just are, being rhetorical. I was expressing my feelings and you have understood and I am very thankful to you. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne
  13. I just wanted to mark today by remembering the 22nd of each month because my husband passed away on 1/22/10. I can perfectly understand how others feel since millions and everyone here are all going through this personal pain. At my bereavement group at Hospice, others have told me that I have gotten better. I really don't understand this, because I have the same thoughts and feelings as I had from the beginning. Maybe it looks like I have a different demeanor only because I am going through the motions of everyday living. But no one knows what's going on within me. Well, I am a basket case. What I don't understand is why I don't literally faint every day when I awaken at the realization of suddenly being without him again, and I don't understand how I can keep getting up out of bed every morning and do errands, go to appointments, do laundry and other things that living beings are required to do. I don't get it. Why have I not had a nervous breakdown or several in fact. I don't understand why some days I go without weeping. And how I stop crying once I start, because inside me is a waterfall of sobs that still need to fall. I know they are in me, because the tears always start again. I don't know why I act like life is normal when people say anything to me, like the postal clerks, bank tellers, cashiers and when I get a call from a family member. I act like Danny is just waiting for me at home or in the other room. But, it is empty when I get home or go into another room, then I remember to act like I really feel. I really don't understand that living like this is my life now. I wish there was a pill to take to get to sleep that I could take every day I wake up to go back to sleep for the next 24 hours for the next 40 years. There is no such pill. So, I will be continuing to live and I will continue to do what I need to do until the day comes for me or until I understand. God bless, Suzanne
  14. When I used to say my morning prayers I exulted when thanking God for all the seasons, the exquisite array of living things, the beautiful flowers, the grass, the trees as well as all the natural wonders, the waterfalls, the rainbows, the snowfall, the rythmic splash of rainfall against my windows, and the bountiful brilliant colors of the Autumn trees, the pastel colors of the evening time when the moon shone brightly in the sky and in the morning sunrise, the rolling waves against the shore of the beaches. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I listened to all kinds of music, there was a lilt in my soul and a smile on my face when the beat of all types of genres of music matched the beating of my heart. I absolutely loved all the notes of those whose voices lifted me spiritually and emotionally. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I had tasks that I voluntarily performed on my computer I had to wait for the cursor that turned into a timepiece and my screensaver would pop open of all my pictures that I use of wondrous sea scenes, and blue skies with a few puffy clouds and I particularly was extremely fond of gazing lovingly upon my loved ones, Danny, our two sons, their children in various family settings, Dan and I were grinning from ear to ear. Little did I know that these would be the last pictures during the summer of 2008 when his sister took us to the beach and we were as giddy as small children. That was before when Dan was still with me. Now, that it's the 22nd of May, it's been 16 months since he passed away. Now, when I thank God when I say my morning prayers, life is quite different, even though I am still thankful for the beauty of the earth that God made, I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain. As an observer of myself, I don't smile much any more. I have temporary distractions of talk and smiles and laughter when my 2 adult sons and 'our' grandchildren are with me. But, at the end of the day I always go home alone, go to bed alone, and awaken the next day alone. Danny, if you can hear me, I still love and miss you more each day. I still wonder if you can hear me or not, but I hope you know that you were everything to me. These tears I cry can attest to that. Some may think I am wallowing in self-pity but I know that I am not. Life is not the same without you and I am just so much in love with you. I am hurting and the only thing that motivates me to go through the daily motions of life is knowing that at least you are not hurting any more. Thank you, God, for that.
  15. Dear Deborah, Your kind words,condolences and prayers are really appreciated. It means so much to me to have understanding friends. I am sorry that you are in a position to understand, however, and you are in my prayers as well. God bless, Suzanne
  16. Well, the good news is I don't have to move from my apartment, so thank you to all who remembered me in your prayers. The bad news for me is that my brother passed away very early this morning. I don't think it has hit me yet, because of all the family and relatives including a 4 hour old baby, a 2 year old nephew, an 11 year old nephew, a 22 year old nephew and a cousin, same age, and my 42 year old nephew who passed as well as my husband's 2 brothers as well as our 4 parents. I feel like all those who passed created a hole in my heart but when Danny died my heart was ripped out of my chest. So, I just don't know what to feel. I just wanted to share what's going on. I haven't been able to keep in contact as my PC was inoperable for 6 days and without a lifeline to others who understand it has been very difficult. So, thank you for allowing me to vent. It's such a relief to have you all to share my upside down world with. Except for my counselor and grief meetings at Hospice during the week I have no where else to turn. Thanks again for being here, everyone. God bless, Suzanne
  17. Dear Harry, You couldn't close for the night without replying and I couldn't stop myself from answering your reply because it really meant much to me. There are so many many aspects to all of our personalities and it is compounded when we have lost a loved one. There is a part of me that's in a rage, although I never show it to anyone. There is a part of me that is confused, bewildered, living in a nightmare, and like I can't go on one more day. But with your words, so symbolic of the Apostles, who didn't know the truth, and I think it is because the truth didn't reveal itself to them at that time as it hadn't happened yet, but you have reopened a door to me that gives me a sense of peace with my reality, which I only think of on a rare occasion and I just wanted to thank you for that. Peace be with you also. Suzanne Dear mfh, I couldn't agree with you more and I understand exactly what you mean. With me, since Danny passed away on a Friday, very early morning on January 22, 2010, when the anniversary date came around the following year, it was a Saturday but the day before, being a Friday I felt like I was going through the emotional turmoil of reliving his last moments. It was horrendous for me and I shared what I was feeling with others but it is such a private anguish, I felt no one could possible imagine what I went through. It also seems that every single day there has been some kind of remembrance, I just happened to write down on a calendar all the days that we did something together not realizing how short a time he had left, so now I don't relish any day, like the last day we went outside to sit together on the bench, the last day we attended Mass together, the last day we went to get groceries together, not to mention his birthday, my birthday, each of our 4 grandchildren's birthdays, and our son's birthdays and their wives and family, Dan's family, my family the last time each of his sisters visited us before we knew what would hit us, the last day we attended family get-togethers, the last days he had each of his appointments that I went with him to every single one, even the last day we were intimate, not to mention all of the holidays that will now take place without him, it just seems to go on and on and on. So I really do understand, for me it seems that the second year is worse only because I'm fully conscious, I'm awake now as compared to the time when the last radiation doctor said to us on 12/18/09 that "the last treatments didn't get the cancer, we don't know where it will go next, and we don't know how long you have," and he passed away 35 days later. So, on 12/18/09 I went into some kind of fog, my brain was sort of in a coma,(some call it denial) and now the year of the firsts is over and it continues. There are some who say they have gotten better, and a few who actually believe that they have gotten over their grief (which I don't believe, but it makes sense to me that grief will always be there, but we learn to manage the pain in time) so I just hope I didn't make you feel worse, as I was only speaking about my own experience. For me 1/22/10 will be ingrained in me as the worst day of my life. But once in a while I know that he's not in pain, and that he's in a better place. It's ok for me to say it, but when others say it to me, for some reason I don't like it. At least we have understanding here which makes me feel relief when I share and I pray that you have peace somehow. Take care. God bless, Suzanne
  18. Today it was 15 months since my husband passed. For the very first time I went to visit the cemetery by myself. I usually went with a sister or sister-in-law and while I really appreciated their time and efforts I couldn't really do anything to grieve the way I would have wanted. Last year at this time it was too soon for me so it would be emotionally very difficult to go through with going by myself. During the Summer of 2010 my sister stopped there whenever she gave me a ride to my grief meeting at Hospice. And during the Fall and Winter months it was always either snowing or raining. So, today, I took the bus to the next town, I walked down the street and it was long but I walked at my own pace. I didn't know what to expect, but while walking there, and while sitting on the blanket that I brought with me, I tried to talk to Danny but all I could do was weep silently. I still can't believe he's not here any more. Intellectually, I am fully aware, but it's hard to fathom that now I'm praying to him in a way rather than talking to him face to face. I walked the long way back after sitting on the ground, trying to figure out my life and why I should have any interests beyond 'our time' together. I couldn't think of an answer, so I walked about a half a mile to the bus stop and went home. Being Good Friday and also that it was the 22nd of the month (which was the date he passed as well as the same day, Friday) I fasted all day. I liked it just being him and me and that I could cry without onlookers or sympathizers. I don't know if he heard me or not, but it was just something I had to do, to talk to him, as that was the closest in proximity to him that I have been in these past 15 months. I just wanted to be near him. So, just another day? I don't think so. I just wanted to share these moments with understanding friends. God bless, Suzanne
  19. To those who replied to my post, I wanted to thank you all for your words of kindness, your hugs and support. I just wanted to also mention that I do go out when I need to for errands, groceries, appts., etc., for lunch with a relative, and to see family, but everything I do is just a temporary distraction. I attend weekly counseling, Hospice Widow and grief meetings, and I exercise and maintain my food plan at home daily. I don't volunteer because I wouldn't want anyone to get depressed after spending time with me. I don't know how to fully express my feelings and thoughts any more other than to say I am just being honest when I say I truly believe it is not a choice that my reaction to my husband's death is one that has rendered me incapable of feeling joy or looking for happiness when I already had it and now that he is physically gone, my desire for enjoyment has been terminally suspended. I guess we all grieve differently and it is so individual and personal, there are no right and wrong ways to grieve, and there is no specific timeframe for grief. We were together for 39 years, and I've heard from professionals and other widows that it is true no one gets over grief, we just learn how to deal with it. My husband knows that I was happy only with him and I wouldn't want him to tell me how to be or how to live when he was alive, so I don't believe he would want to tell me how to be or how to live from beyond. God is carrying me through and so I wait for my joy in the next life. Thank you for the link, Carol Ann. Ron, I honestly don't believe it is a choice. To me happiness is equal to living with Danny. Take Danny out of the equation, there is no happiness. For me, there is no recovery, there is no healing, there is no evolving, things that I enjoyed only because he was with me has no place for tolerance of what used to be the beauty of life. I just don't want to live without him in my life. I don't have a choice, so I await God's will to be revealed to me while I wait on Him to call me. Thank you all again, for your words of wisdom, advice and your hugs. It is really very much appreciated. God bless, Suzanne
  20. Everything I ever posted I still would write today even though it's been 13 months today since he passed away on 1/22/10. I really don't understand how others have told me that I've come a long way and they 'think' I am doing better than I was at this time last year. I don't see it. I still hate the sunshine, I loathe the chirping birds, and will never step on a beach ever again because he is not here with me anymore. When he was with me, I wanted to live, I wanted to enjoy eating, I wanted to listen to music, I used to love to read, watch TV and do things, I loved all the seasons. But now, I know I will only have joy in the next life. I don't get it. During the past year, I've heard, 'happy easter,' happy 4th of July,' 'happy birthday', happy halloween, happy thanksgiving, merry christmas, happy new year, happy valentines' day. I don't understand for the life of me what's to be happy about. He is not here and when he died, so did my spirit. I believe I wrote these same words before and they still ring true. There is no point in my life. Everyone around me acts like everything is fine, but they are not me, and he and I were involved with each other 24 hours a day. I don't like being without him, I don't like life. I often wonder what's to become of me. A nursing home? There is no point in anything anymore. But, somehow I truly believe God is getting me from one day to the next. So, I'm just following His lead, even though I don't know how or why. I would only hope everyone doesn't follow my lead and is having a better life somehow. I know it's so hard for you all and I remember you in my prayers that you all have peace. God bless, Suzanne
  21. Dear Mary, I'm really glad that you posted about your 'visits' as even though I'm Catholic I truly believe these were my husband's way of trying to get in touch with me. I am going through so much grief and still crying even though it's been more than a year since he passed and I haven't received anything in the way of what you received. I am really fascinated by this and happy for you. I wouldn't mind having more 'strange dreams.' What you experienced I don't think we can make this up. Take care and God bless, Suzanne
  22. Hi Melina, My husband passed away in January of 2010 and sometime in July of 2010 I had a vivid dream I will never forget the details, and I wrote about it before and I believed in this lucid dream, this kind of dream is one where someone believes/feels like they are awake. I'll try to keep it not too long, but I dreamt that Danny was still alive and I was gloriously ecstatic to see him, I talked to him and I sensed him talking to me and seen his smile and sensed his laughter' and told him to stay right where he was sitting on a green couch (in a house I once lived in after we met when I was a teen) and I wanted to go get my camera to take a picture of him to prove to everyone in our family that he really wasn't gone, that he was still here with me. I couldn't keep my eyes off him, I was kissing his face, hugging him, joyful and happy but when I turned away, he was gone and I turned again and he was there again and was standing and had an aged look on his face and very long gray hair, which I know his looks should have scared me but I wasn't scared at all, and I immediately knew that his aged look and long hair meant that his time with me was already over, but I didn't want him to go. I awoke in my bed and burst into tears, and whispered to myself, it was only a dream, and instantly I said, out loud (just like Scrooge did) "But what if it wasn't (a dream)" I'll never, ever forget that event which I know many especially some Christians and scientists that don't believe this,(I'm Catholic) but I honestly and truly believe in my heart and soul that this was what is called a 'visit' and I have to tell you that intellectually I know he is with me but ever since January 22, 2010 felt disconnected from him and I have never felt Danny's presence. I know he is there but I don't feel him with me (while sleeping or while I'm awake). But I know 100% absolutely sure that this was his way of letting me know he is with me and I never had another 'dream' quite like this reality which changed my perspective. I hope and pray for more dreams and messages from him. Anyone can believe what is right for them, but I feel I will not have joy and happiness in this life, but all I know is with my Faith, and strength, and through my coming years of tears, this dream filled me with all I need to keep waking up, keep living, and putting one foot in front of the other, and to seek out God's will for me. I hope these comments didn't offend anyone, but this is just me talking, and I would not want anyone to not get the help they need from these grief support groups. I am just being honest about my own beliefs and thoughts. God bless, Suzanne
  23. I've been wanting to express what I have been experiencing lately especially last night. It was last year on January 22, 2010 that my husband passed away. Last year it was on a Friday so last night I have been going through the feelings I should have gone through that night when all his family were here. Four of his sisters, his nephew, our older son was here when Danny breathed his last, our son's wife came a few hours later, and our other son and his wife-to-be was here earlier with their son who was 7 at the time and their 7 day old baby, who our younger son picked her up for his Dad to see her and Danny kept looking at our precious newborn granddaughter, her older brother, our son and our son's fiance, Dan's head turning to look at them again. They were here, but left to go back to where they live about 25 or 30 miles away. During the early morning I called our younger son, to let him know as I told everyone else when I called them that the Hospice nurse said it could be tomorrow or it could be 11 days. In my mind I remembered her saying another time that it could be another 3 months, so of course I thought he'd be here for that much longer. But the inevitable happened while everyone was here, except for our younger son and his family, Danny was breathing steadily and stopped and started again. He breathed evenly, he stopped and his lips parted and he wouldn't start breathing again like I thought he would. Just about 3 feet away, with pen in hand, while I was writing the schedule of medications I would be administering to him, orally, as he wasn't taking all 10 meds any more, I really thought I would be continuing to give him these last 3 meds, as I had been for the past 3 or 4 weeks, taking care of him, feeding him cream of wheat, or orange sherbet, holding his hand, looking into his eyes, telling him I loved him, but when he had his last breath last year on January 22, 2010, early Friday morning at 3:30 a.m. in actual time, but 5:40 a.m. was the time the nurse arrived to check his pulse which was their official time for the certificate. Weeks before this, Danny as I thought of it as chiding me, when he was able to talk and get around and when he used to sit on the couch leaning on pillows to get comfortable, and said, "Now, if anything happens to me, do like the nurse said and don't be hysterical, just call Hospice." (sort of like Archie Bunker would say to Edith) I just laughed. Danny always had humor in him. I remembered that I was somewhat annoyed when his time came that I wasn't holding his hand or even lying with him, embracing him like others I've heard about had done, I just stared and one of Dan's sisters had to tell me to call the Hospice Nurse, and I said "What for?" Even then, I still couldn't believe. I stood very still, everyone was silent, being in the moment, while each of his sisters were quietly wiping their tear-stained cheeks, but not a whimper from me. I just wouldn't leave his side, all I could think of doing was stroking his hair. Later, while waiting for the funeral director, I called our younger son to tell him, and I tried to comfort him. Two of my sisters came very early, an hour before the man from the funeral home came and my sisters stayed with me while Dan's sisters all left one by one. From the moment the doctor told us on December 18th of 09' that the second round of treatments didn't get the reoccurrence of cancer, he didn't know where the cancer would go next, nor did he know how long Danny had and fast forward to about a month after the wake, church service, interment, and family get-together my brain was in a fog. I couldn't have been hysterical as my body was protecting me from all that, by relaxing my brain to think only in cognitive terms. But last night I was somewhat hysterical, crying the way I would have if I was here alone with Danny because it was a Friday night last year that he passed, and I feel the need for only those who would understand to know my experience of last night. It was during the final episode of "Medium" when I had burst into tears during the show and especially at the end. It was as if Allison was me, and her Joe was my Danny, telling me he'd always love me and when she became an elderly woman they were joined together as when they were young at heart again. I just couldn't stop weeping and sobbing and saying to no one in particular, 'How could this happen?', 'It's not true', 'I don't want to live without you to be an old woman' although during this past year I have already said these words dozens of times. But last night I was able to mourn him in the same place where he died last year for the last time. After July 1st, when a 1 bedroom becomes available I have to move from the only safe and secure haven I have known with all his memories I had while living here with Danny and our 2 sons who grew up in this 2 bedroom apartment for 30 years. I obtained a letter from my therapist, my primary doctor and I myself wrote a 3-page letter of why it would be a harm to me and it would cause undue anxiety for me to move from this apartment. The girl who works in the office here in our apartment complex came across my name when she happened to discover I was 'overhoused', and later that week I gave her the verification papers and my letter to fax to the corporate office for them to determine my tenancy all to no avail. Two days before Christmas I received the letter in my mailbox. It stated in the letter that they would allow me to live here for 6 months, but on July 1st as soon as a 1 bedroom is available I have to get all the stuff we accumulated during our 30 year stay and stuff it into a 1 bedroom apt. Now I fully realize that thousands, millions of others have gone through worse devastation and upheaval and anguish. I just have this need to own my pain, in which my therapist told me that my anger is understandable because one of the basic emotional needs humans have is to be in control. She understands, but there are others who don't get it. I kind of knew that all of you here would understand my pain. I know I wrote about this situation before and the point I was trying to make was that this will be the last and final time I will be able to be at the place where my beloved Danny breathed his last breath because I have to move. So, it is particularly sad for me and I am overcome with the emotional loss of having to grieve over his memories from where we had been living. I don't know what it will be like next year. I'm not looking forward to all the tomorrows and certainly living without his memory of walking through the living room and kitchen and bedroom, remember him as he groomed his hair and saying, "are you coming to bed?" as he walked from the bathroom to our room. It won't be the same when I was on the computer and he would say, "Are you coming out to watch TV with me?" and I'd say, "I'll be right there." And he would be making me coffee in the kitchen because he always made the best cup of coffee and served me dessert, he just had coffee. How can I leave here? I would be doing dishes and he would all of a sudden start talking to me because I didn't hear his stocking feet walk from behind me and I'd be startled and jump, which in turn would make him jump. He's say, "Don't do that" and I'd say "You made me jump" and we'd end up laughing with an embrace. How can I leave here? Today I went to 2 Masses I had arranged to be said in his memory. The first was one of solitude. At the other Mass family members came, and it was all of us talking to each other, saying to one another afterwards, "I didn't know you'd be here." And it was a good feeling to be surrounded by loved ones. We went out after, but I still came home alone, and I feel empty but a little peaceful inside. Well, the first anniversary is done, the year of firsts is over, but what about tomorrow? I'm not looking forward to the rest of my life. I really hope and pray I don't live to be 95 as Allison did in "Medium" and whether I remember Danny or not, how can life be good without him? Life will never be the same. I hope everyone else is having a better day. God bless, Suzanne
  24. Thank you to all who replied and for your support. You have all reminded me of what is important. Even though we all go through hard struggles during grief, we must know that our loved one is with us wherever we go. All of your words of comfort mean something special to me because you feel this too and you have reached out to me. So, thank you again, your thoughtfulness is really appreciated. God bless. Suzanne
  25. Dear Melina, I have to move from my 2 bedroom apartment to a 1 bedroom apartment because of regulations in my apartment state that I am overhoused. Even after I sent them a 3 page letter that it would be stressful to move as was suggested by the Office Manager because I have lived here for 30 years and obtaining verification of this by my doctor and therapist it seems they didn't read a word of it, or they lack compassion. It's a matter of business, or greed, which is what I call it. Hope that clears up your question, thank you so much for your support and reply. It is very much appreciated. I have to vent and it seems I can only do it with others who understand such as yourself, so thank you again. God bless, Suzanne Dear Bill, I have always felt disconnected from my husband. I also would like to find out how you feel your spouse's presence. I believe intellectually that Danny is with me but spiritually, emotionally I feel nothing. For 39 years we talked every single day and the day of January 22, 2010 I feel enveloped in nothingness. I feel empty and desolate without his connection after all these years of being together. I am curious as well. Hope you continue to feel that she is near. Take care. God bless, Suzanne
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