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SHeiss

Contributor
  • Content Count

    96
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About SHeiss

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 09/10/1984

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    Thankfully still here.
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA - as of yet

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    lala_9184@yahoo.com

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Tacoma, WA
  • Interests
    Hanging out with my dad and making sure I get every waking moment with him that I can before he passes.
  1. Hello again! I wanted to share with you since you have been here with me since I found out about my dads cancer how I celebrated my dad for Fathers Day. It would have been the first Fathers Day without him and I was feeling like I had no way to honor him as we spread his ashes up on the mountain while snowmobiling. I searched the internet and found that a lot of people do videos in remembrance. I thought it would be a good idea. I laughed and cried and felt loved while making this video. I hope you enjoy it as it was my way of saying Happy Fathers Day to my dad even though he is no longer here. Happy Fathers Day Dad! I miss you!
  2. Hello again all. It has been a few months. I have been trying to occupy my mind with other things.It has been 5 months since my dad passed away. We encountered his 48th birthday last month and I felt weird not getting him a gift. I didn’t even do anything for it and I feel horrible. I have been thinking a lot lately how when someone is alive and healthy they aren’t on your mind often, but the moment they die they are on your mind daily. I think about my dad every single day no matter what I am doing. There is always some memory that pops up that makes me smile or laugh or I remember that he is gone and I become sad. My husband and I are still having issues. I am trying to be better for the sake of my marriage but since my dad passed I am easily irritable and my husband says that I have changed. I know I have changed. I feel like I see life in a whole new way and I hate it. I realize I will never be who I once was and I miss that about myself. I miss being happy and I miss going out and having fun – I just don’t see a point to it. I am still questioning religion and if there is a God. I just don’t understand if there was a God, why do we have to live here 1st and then die? What is the point? Then why are people so upset when someone dies if they believe they will see them again when they die? Wouldn’t it be like a mini vacation? I am agnostic but I talk to my dad all the time. I feel crazy. I ask for him to prove to me that he is around and I have seen nothing. My sister swears she talks to him all the time… but I think she just wants to so badly that she makes it up in her head. Why would he see her and talk to her but not me if he is truly about? I have been having some pains in my stomach and I automatically think it’s cancer. My doctor has run tests on me ct scan of that area and it hasn’t shown anything. I am still afraid I have it even though my dr. ruled it out. He thinks I am scaring myself because my dad had cancer. I did go through a period where I thought I was dying because I had no idea what was going on in my stomach (and still don’t) Anyone else do that? When someone has died from cancer or something other sickness do you think you have it or some form of it? Anyway, things are not better but I am able to cope a little more each day. I am still pretty upset he is gone and I wish that God and Heaven was a “for sure” thing. I would love to “know” that he is in a “better place” rather than his remains were spread on a mountain. Maybe one day I will find faith and have that blissful ignorance the rest of my family has. Hope all of you have been well or at least as good as you’re able to be.
  3. I just passed the 5 month mark of my dad's death the 3rd of this month and last month was his 48th Birthday. I understand what you are feeling right now. I too stepped away from my mom after it happened because I needed me time. I wish your friends would understand that you need to do what is best for you right now. Everyone grieves in their own way. I chose to be alone and use music to soothe my mind. So far it hasn't gotten better as much as it is just getting easier to cope with. I haven't been online in a while, but I can tell you that this site has helped me immensely. I hope you find comfort here too.
  4. Lately I have found that I just plain DO NOT CARE! I don’t care about anyone or anything. I find it hard to when there is really no point to life. We all just die. We all end up just a rotting corpse in the ground. We live this life trying to find ourselves or trying to be rich, beautiful or famous when in the end we all are the same… dead. So, what is the point of “living your life to the fullest” and “You only live once” who cares… you end up dying and that is the end of everything for you and everyone that loved you. What is the point of friendships or marriages or children? You just leave them when you die and then they will die too. I am angry I am alive as a human. Life to me is just a tragic waste. I don’t see any point to “Hanging out with friends” or even trying to make children anymore. I feel like I will never be happy again and to be honest, I am not sure that I even care about that. It is kind of like since my dad passed I see everything in a clearer light. Everything as we know it is actually nothing but death. There is death around all of us every day – from the dying plants outside to the dead possum on the side of the road. I never used to think about death but since my dad’s passing it is in my face EVERYDAY! Someone I know has a family member die, someone’s animal is dying, flowers wilt, and people grow old and frail and are close to dying. I am so tired of it. I have been battling religion with myself lately as I want to believe there is a God and a Heaven and that my dad is not actually just a burned up corpse in a box. I want to believe I will see him again. I have even tried to force this on myself and tried to pray but I feel nothing, I feel stupid and I feel like I am giving myself false hope if any hope at all. I HATE all cancer commercials. Here is a thought… I don’t care that they saved YOUR loved one. I care that they failed mine. I don’t want to hear about your stupid miracle when I got a tragedy. I hate when my friends or other family members talk about their dads. I just want to scream at them that their dad sucks and maybe a few other obscenities. I know this is a little out of the “norm” for me but I have just been angsty about everything lately and this is how I am feeling. So, since you understand me I have blabbed it all out and I now feel a little better.
  5. Martina, I understand your pain and I am so very sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 6 weeks ago and though we knew it was going to happen for over a year I still managed to lose it. I still find myself crying for him and dreaming about him and trying to "move on" I don't know that I will ever be the same person again. I am not sure I want to be. I feel bad trying to go on with life without him like I am "leaving him out or behind" It is something I hope I can just learn to cope with. I hope you find it easier and easier as time passes. Sharla
  6. Niamh and Nanasbaby, Thank you both. I am sorry you both know what I am going though due to experience but I am thankful I am not the only one! I was having an extremely tough day and it felt like everyone was mad at me for some reason. They all thought I was being rude to them or I was "short" with them when I felt like I was doing my very best to be pleasant. THEN they would address the fact that I was what THEY THOUGHT as rude and I just wanted to shake them. I kept thinking "How dare they?" among other things. It is always nice know that I can get on this forum and know that you all know how I feel. Then I have days like today where I feel like life could get better but then I will get to my days off work and sleep all day because there is no point to waking up. I keep telling myself that it is a phase in grief and I know it is, but when I get like that I just don't care... which has become a phrase used more often than not by me as of late. This is my dad by the way, Isn't he handsome? I have photos of him when I got married just 3 months before he was diagnosed with his cancer. Sometimes I feel bad that I was so wrapped up with my wedding planning to notice his deteriorating health and that if I wasn't so materialistic and paid more attention that he may still be here today. Okay, I am rambling now. Have a good evening girls. Niamh - thank you for the book referral. I will check on Amazon to see if I can get it shipped soon
  7. It has been only 1 month since my dad passed away. I feel distant to everything going on around me. Kind of like an outsider looking in on my life. I see myself and what I am becoming but I don't care. I want to be happy, but when I even feel a glint of happiness I immediately feel ashamed as I should not be happy without being able to share it with him. Everything and everyone in my life gets on my nerves and some days I even feel compelled to choke them for no reason. I don't like anything or anyone and I hate people asking me all the time "How are you holding up?" I want to punch them in the face and then ask them the same question. I am tired yet sleep never seems to want to come my way. I feel like any pain or discomfort my body feels I freak myself out because I almost make myself believe I have cancer and I am dying. I am not happy. I try to be to cover up my true feelings but it gets harder everyday to pretend to be what I am not. My husband sees it, but I think he is just afraid to say anything. Some days I feel like he just stays with me because he doesn't want to be the monster that left his wife after her dad died. I ask him about it but he just tells me I am crazy. I feel crazy though. I am going to talk to my doctor sometime this week or next about all of these things I am experiencing. See what can be done because at this rate I am bound to derail and lose my mind. Sorry I know by re-reading this it seems like I am just complaining about my life, and maybe I am but all I know is this is just how I feel and I needed it off my chest.
  8. Becka, I lost my dad a month ago to date. I feel the same way. I feel like everything is fake and we are all in this pretend place. I feel alone when I am in a room full of people. I feel like there is no point to living your life (not suicidal I just feel like who cares if I stay inside my apartment and never do anything ever again) or meeting new people because what is the point if we all just die. We make friends and we make families for what? So we can just die on them? Or they can die on us? People grate on my nerves a whole lot easier than they used to. I hate everything. I want to cry because I miss my dad who I feel my time with was cut short and I am "pissed off" about it but I cant force a single tear to come out most days. I just don't see the point in accomplishing any goals I used to have set for myself... who cares. I suppose I have become numb and apathetic to everything. So, the feeling of being "dislocated" I know what you mean.
  9. It really is nice to hear that from people that have experienced it, though I am sad that you have. Thanks for being here. I am glad I found this forum almost a year ago, it makes it easier on me. So, thank you all. It is nice to know I have a place "to go" when I feel all by myself with these feelings. Sharla
  10. I play World of Warcraft! It has been an amazing help in making me forget about my sorrows for a couple hours. I know it is not the "normal" time killer, but I know someone else that I play the game with did the same thing 4 months ago when her dad passed away and since mine has passed away it has helped me find some mental relief. I hope you find something that helps you!!
  11. Shad, I do a LOT of online gaming and I have a LOT of friends I have met on there. I would be devastated if anything happened to any one of them as I look at them as an extended family. Most of my "real life" friends don't understand the connection I have with my online friends and they deem it as weird because they just don't understand. I talk to my online friends everyday and I truly care about them. I can not even begin to imagine how you feel and I am very sorry for your loss. Sharla
  12. Bleu-Berry, I am so very sorry to hear about your dad . A huge hug from me! I have dreams every night of my dad. I dream that we caught the cancer in time to treat it and be successful, I dream that the day he died - he wasn't actually dead and I got to him before he was cremated and somehow not being on the chemo helped him and he was getting better, I dream of just hanging out with him like old times. I don't know how to explain it as some dreams are a little more realistic and when I wake up it breaks my heart when I realize that he is not here and that I had only had a dream. On my days off I just sleep the day away because my dreams are far better than my reality. Anyway, Nice to meet you and again I am sorry for your loss. Sharla
  13. Does time really heal all wounds? Will we really ever get over the fact that our loved ones are gone forever? I feel like a part of me is gone. To be honest it was probably the most wholesome beautiful part of me that left the day my wonderful dad died. I am not "me" anymore and really haven't been since he was diagnosed. I wished and wished that somehow his cancer would just seep into my flesh every time we hugged so he could be saved. I just need to know if my memories of him will ever stop making me cry? Will I be able to think about my dad and smile rather than burst into tears? I can't even listen to the song we danced to at my wedding just 3 months before he was diagnosed. I have been having a really bad couple of days and I feel all by myself. He asked that I stay strong and I do when it comes to my family because they would all fall apart if they watched me cry but it is harder and harder especially when my mom calls me to tell me how sad she is and how lonely she has been. It breaks my heart. So - do you ever start to "heal"? It seems as if it is impossible.
  14. Sorry it has been so long. I find myself trying to occupy my brain with something other than the fact that my dad isn't here anymore. Though I am relieved he is not in pain and isn't suffering anymore... everything reminds me of him from music, places in our city, things in my home things at my moms house and then you have my family - my 2 sisters and my mom who are all experiencing the same things I am but my dad asked me to be strong for them before he passed. He told me that I needed to be there for them as they would all fall apart and I feel like I am the one falling apart inside. I am strong for my mom and my sisters but it is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. Then, I dream of him almost every night. Like everything is perfect and good and he was never sick and it is SOOO real then I wake up and the 1st thing I think about is that he is gone forever and that I will never see him again. IT makes me not even want to get out of bed. I have been trying to "find GOD" so I can feel better because I want to believe so badly that there is an eternal life. But no matter how much I try to force that on myself I just think of it as a silly concept and it makes me feel even worse that I cant even believe in what the majority of the population does. I find myself having no patience for ANYTHING and I am quick to snap someones head off. I can be in a room full of people and feel like I am the only person there. I miss my life the way it was about 5 years ago, before the sickness back when my family was whole. I am tired of crying and I am tired of people asking if I am okay because it takes every fiber of my soul to not scream at them "MY DAD JUST DIED 2 1/2 WEEKS AGO - HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL????" Sorry for blabbing. It just feels like this is the only place where people understand me and what I am feeling and it is nice to get it off my chest.
  15. My dad finally passed away from his long battle with cancer. I miss him but I have a really weird feeling of relief for him. He is not in pain anymore. Thanks everyone for being here for me along the way. I am sure I would have lost my mind if I did not stumble upon this site.
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