tara12

There is a freedom perhaphs in knowing that all this is impermanant , in the end , everything mattters and NOTHING matters at all ..... both are true....... what will matter in a 100 years ? what acts do I make now that mean anything to anyone and will mean anything ? does it matter ? how do we live , today ... this moment is truly all we have right here right now , nothing else is certain , even between one breath and the next ., this is the thing . if i look deeply this is the actual fact . I breathe in , then there is a pause ,.... then if i am still alive , I breath out and there is another pause ........ and so it goes..... never have I been so absolutely conscious of this all the time !! be well , lets keep breathing for now at least .

yep , we dont have forever , we may not even have all of today or next week or next year !! who knows when our time comes , or how , or where or what age and means etc... a wild thought . weird though how we go alomng like we have all the time in the world ... as if ... and then , its over , how weird //// I also have lost both parents and both within a few months of each other and its pretty shocking wake up ... and i thought i was fairtly aware and awake .... i guess there is a big almost iniatation we go thru , realising , yes , its real , it ends , its final , that sit . bang a whole entire life is over and gone.;..; and yes WE are next , maybe ? MAYBE NOT , BUT WHO KNOWS ? and it will be one day , and more likely the older we go ..... and Im 45 , so yeah the focus on whats important , is real .... and i feel depsite the sadness and grief a depth in me that was not there before ..... its ok .... if i can like u say , maybe , try live mindful and awake . thats the trick huh ........ anyway , great comments , talk more soon

thanks all of you , this is great , it feels good to share and reflect on this journey and i think it can be helpful to share the downs and the ups with each other of this trip we are on and all will travel .. everyone ...... cause guess what ( we know it ) we all die , no exceptions....... and so if this can help then let it be.

Hello there , just wondering in the many ways we feel our lives have changed for the worst and for the better . HOW THIS LOSS experience and all that goes AROUND IT effects us and how we make sense of it . I feel and know I am very different now from before . I feel things differently and see things differently . I see selfishness a lot , see the ugliness more or human greed and mistrust people more ......... yet I also notice the beauty and the preciousness of things more . I cry more easily , I am touched more deeply , yet I also am more private and less likely to share my true thoughtsand feelings , choosing instead to keep things private and watch more and listen more........ I am i think also more patient and understanding and even forgiving of what i see is selfish or ignorant and mean , but also less willing to enage in it ..... just notice it . I ahve no time for stupididty and ignorance anymore to the point of just not enagaging myself with it ...... I could say much more ..... but just think this is interesting for us to reflect on and share about .how has this effected u / do u feel closer to people or further away , is it both ? i lost many friends but gained new ones ? i have less social interaticons , but feel closet o my own spiritual life . I lost my parents , but gained some new relationships with their freinds and some relatives... I totally saw really awful manipulations and cruelity and greed in the dealings with hospitals , someof their freinds , the will stuff etc...... but have learnt to let it go .......... I have felt so sad , depressed , and overhelemed , but knew I had to carry on and HAVE..... how have u coped ? are u coping ? how is it for u ? let me know together we gain strength. does some religion or belief sustain u ? what role do others play for you ? how have your beliefs changed , grown , been destroyed ? thanks i apologise for the spelling , but there is no spell check and I type fast and too lazy to go back and edit ......oh well.

I think I finally am accetping today at least , that ,people are just some people that is , are unable to cope with death ( full stop )... thats what this is ., people who cant and havent dealt with death , orare afraid of death or fear death , or FEAR our grief , can and cant and wont be able to give to us . they jsut cant ....... they are afraid of grief , afraid they may not know what to do , dont want to have to DEAL WITH IT . its toooooomuch for them. not even like we have to say or be or do anything , its just even in their own heads , they jsut cant and wont go there , they are afraid even to be around us , incase its contagious.... like the plague , they walk around avoiding us , waiting for it to PASS....... know this and it helps , know a very few will listen , or give space or wont compare , wont compete , know many people suffer in many ways and some people cant stand others suffering in ways they think may be worse than them , so they have to compete with you or compare with you ........ but there are a few good freinds who will emerge , strangers even... theya re worht more than gold . the rest can be crossed out of your address book .. and u can be kind and warm to them , but dont worry about thinking or expecting more . one day they may change , one day they will face what we have and maybe we will eb the ones who understand and listen and care....... maybe not ......... but the ones whoa re like gold the ones how care for us now , these are your our , lifetime friends who will be there thick and thin and they are there , EVEN ONE PERSON LIKE THIS IS WORTH MORE THAN HUNDREDS ........ YOUR FINE , IM FINE , WE ARE ALL OK JSUT HOW WE ARE........... KNOW THIS AND LET GO OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SEEMINGLY SO COLD AND SELFISH AND INSTEAD THINK , WOW , POOR PEOPLE , SO SHALLOW AND SO AFRAID ...... AND FEEL FOR THEM......... THIS HELPS ME NOW A LOT ....... iM FINE . IM STRONG AND I WLL BE OK... AND SO ARE U . I MISS MY MUM AND DAD TOOOOOOO HEAPS . WISH I COULD HUG THEM ... AND I SAY IT OUT LOUD TO THEM , I LOVE YOU ...... THEY HEAR IT I KNOW.......... ITS OK , BE WELL

MAYLISSA , ITS NOT so much that they suffer what we see as suffering a guilty conscience , as they seem to do these things and keep doing them and it also seems they benifit from being the way they are ... but do they really , NOPE , not at all......... inside they are suffering , believe me , they may NOT EVEN THINK THEY ARE , but in the moments that truth breaks through to and they even start to feel or think differently , then they will f eel the full weight of what they have done and the regret will be huge ,,,, now this may be on their death beds ? maybe ? or if not then they will die with it on their consciousness . they will be effected by this . bel;eive me ,NO ONE GETS OUT SCOTT FREE ...... SOEMWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE THEY WILL HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS .... ITS HOW IT WORKS , CAUSE AND EEFECT ... JUST THE FACT that they cant have closeness and love from us is a sign of suffering ., our job i think isnot to suffer or cause suffering to others , so even though we cna never forgive the ignorance that cause them to act this way ,w e cna maybe find solace in feeling for the suffering caused by such ignorance , ours and theirs and wish someplace in the future thay realise and make ammends , if not , weare the ones who can at aleast know we tried and they are left to deal with it how they must. dont think people get away with these things , they may in terms of the ohyscial and money , but not on any other level... does this help , make sense ....... in other words , we can learn to forgive even the person BUT NOT THE ACTIONS NOR THE IGNORANCE , BUT WE CAN UNDERSTAND people do things from a palce of suffering and ignorance . lets not become them , lets not become people who hurt others and steal and lie and take revenge , this repeats the pattern and then like i said they win and feel they were right , nope , better to refelct back to them in calm ways , that they have done wrong and they will suffer for it , but to tell them this from a place of compassion is much more powerful thean form one of anger and revenge , trust me ... eventually some day they will , realise , and as I said some people it takes till their last breath to make such amends and some never ever do ., not this life ....... but thats their problem\ NOT YOURS , NOT MINE. THATS THEIR LIFE .......... i CHOOSE TO LIVE A DIFFERENT WAY AND i WOULD RATHER LOSE IT ALL , REALLY . and I AM .......... THAN SUFFER BEING SO ROTTEN i WOULD STEAL FROM DEAD PEOPLE.OR MY OWN FAMILY ....noway ever . this is not said lightly believ me , i am standing to lose hundreds of thousands and will never see anything

Yes ... i AM FINDING IT OVERWHELMING TO FACE

Yes , WE DONT gIVE UP AND LIE DOWN , ITS NOT ABOUT THAT , its about knowing we do our best and fight for the right thing and justice , but at the same time internally let go and make sure we arent being eaten up by it , no matter the outcome , be detachted is what it means ..... so for me this means , following the process , having mysefl a lawyer , weighing up whats worth fighting and what isnt , weighing up my dad and mums wishes and whats possible , weighing up my energy levels and what else I have in my life and notletting this mess overshadow things o0r dominate my own life .... if in the end it means saying oh well and walking away , so be it . its them in the end ( even if it doesnt look like it ) that loses , cause they act immorally , I can at least know I acted with integrity ........ and dont woory , when the time comes , I will let the bastards know in calm clear language that I think what they have done is wrong and immoral and that they are kdding themselves if they think they are doing the right thing by anyone except themsleves cause they KNOW my dadsa wishes..... thats how I see it...... i work a lot inside in breathing into the constriction in my heart and breathing out the black s*** of injustice and know in my heart this is the best thing and I send love and lite to my parents to travel free in the spirit world and know I love them and they love me........ as for my brother , well , never will talk to him again if i can help it . he can rot in hell....... but I also on deeper level know he also is suffering way way more than me , cause he has to live with his actions and guilt for never helping or showing love to my parents , this is a bigger thing than money or property... rememeber , we too will die and we cant take a thing with us ....... AND U KNOW , YOU WILL BE FINE and so will i , with or without things .... thats all an illusion , sure we might be poorer , well I am poor now , but so what ..... we are capable women , i am sure and i am sure like we did without before they died , we will be fine if we dont get a thing ...... hard I know. unfair YES YES YES , wrong ,in just , yes yes yes ..... but hey , we just have to NOT BECOME LIKE THEM , THEN THEY REALLY DO win win win...nope take the moral high ground and let that be our wealth , wealth in who we are , not what we have .... my way of dealing with it anyway ..... and its fine to feel and be however we are as well...... i uderstand the rage and anger and complex feelings , beleive u me ....... and yes , not many have time for this aspect , its tooo dirty for them, so share here ....... i care ,,,,,, and i do undersatnd... really....... just wnat us to come out on top not go down and be bitter and depressed ... cause then they win more than money , then they have damaged us and won.........

shell is right I agree , I am just letting go ......... THATS BEST . CUT THE LOSSES AND MOVE ON . CAUSE U KNOW WHAT , there never was justice and never will be and its not about justice anyway . its about the relationship and your heart and what u did and do now., you know , its us who suffers if we stay hurt and bitter , u and i did our best , YOU know u tried , u know you did your best , trust your own integrity and know this and knopw whatever anyone else does , doesnt matter in the end . even if they did , do wrong , they have to live with their consquences sometime somewhere , and uu and me have to live with our consciences and heart ... so for me , I choose to try do right thing and be true..... thats all.. i love my mum and dad and nothing nothing can change this.

mALYSSIa, I just want ot tell u I am dealing with a similar thing , just started , the rage and hurt and betrayal is huge and noonbe much will want to talk with you about it ( I have found ) as they seem to tune out and feel , think your talking about something worng , and we , you , me , are the ones who have the problem and are greddy or somehting , that anyone who is sayong the will is worng , any court things with wills implies we are the bitter twisted ones..... they dont stick around to understand the story of what has happened and people also dont think that thsese things happen< they think their parents ,m loved ones , themselves do wills and then they are honoured , that their wishes will be taking care of ... we both know this is wrong and untrue and that evil people manipulate things how they wish .... and their is no such thing as justice , just people after money and things . my ist is a bit diff , the solicitors seem to have lost th e will ( although they wont fess to this ) and this leaves the old executors and the one dad wanted fighting in court over who it is ..meanwhile a lotof money beoing lost in that fight and also unpaid bills amassing on the garaging of his car in a garage cause he died before picking it up ( my dad ) and any way if the old will stands the 2 people , executors based on the old will get it ( the care antique worth tons ) and the estate will probaly get the garaging bill ... and so after all that and court stuff , may mean we get nothing.... or maybe the executor dad wanted will win ..... then it is a bit better ? but still all those expenses and if the old will is found vaild ? cause they lost the new one.... man , SEE WHAT A MESS. and so avoidable and i tried ot avoid it . and the new guy dad asked to be executor 6 yrs ago , well he had lots time to check things and IN JANUARAY i ASKED WITH DAD THERE FOR HIM TO GO CHECK ( IT WAS AFTER MUM DIED ) CAUSE DAD REALYY DID NOTWANT THE OTHER TWO AS THE EXECUTORS why, becuse he didnt trust them and felt they were just after his car ...... so guess what.. how can they do this ,? cause they are evil and imoral , yep , people do not do what is right ........... also I uncerstand the feelings about the generally legacy in the whole scne I was also someone who worked her butt off for years to heal the realtionships , I was the caretaker , I was the ONLY ONE WHO CARED . and .......I get this mess ..... and all the other BASTARDS INCLUDING MY SLEFISH EVIL BRO GETS THEIR WAYS FOR NOTHING and its not even what dad wanted .......... so what do we do ......... LET GO LET GO LET GO LET GO........ WE DO WHAT WE CAN , WE GET HELP , WE SEEK ADVICE AND IN THE END , EVEN THOUIGH TIS WORNG AND SUXS AND HURTS AND IS INJUST , WE LET IT GO BECUSE OTHERWISE IT WILL HURT US INSIDE , THE RAGE WILL KILL US......... AND SERVES NOONE ...... LET GO. THATS WHAT i AM TRYING TO DO....... write me . cause I DO KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS , i AM FURIOUS AS WELL AND STRUGGLE WITH IT. PLEASE WRITE ... ABOUT WHAT HELPS US . to get thorugh this .. we will .. and u know what there is a thing called consquence , these people are doiong wrong and some times somewhere it will come back on them , som how , trust that . and noone can take our love away inside . we can become stronger through this , we can . and love and connect with our loved ones in spirit ,they did not wish this for us . know that. be well and hope u feel better a bit....... try breathe , walk n take a bath and cry and let it go if you can a bit cause we have no power in this situation and it probabaly aint going toget any better

hello , I just want to say , i lost my first child and only child a girl at 5mths of perganancy ...... email me if you want .i totally undersatnd . noone much esle will.

Hello , yes , THE WILL thing hurts a lot and suxs bad. one thng is true the men who are being dishonest , they know that they had a falling out with dad and they know he changed his will and they know that dad appointed another executor . they alos knew he died ( i called them ) and they never came ot the funeral , and in the conversation on the phone ( the day I had been told dad died ) they asked if I knew who the executor was AND I TOLD THEm AND THEY ADMITTED they knew they ahd a falling out with dad , I SAID i know , but I also know there were times when you were close and so I wanted you to know he passed....... i cant belive them now , they would act this way , but AS U SAID , karma will get them in the end ...... and also dad is gone , mum is gone and and they are in my heart , nothing can take that....... AT LEAST i have arranged with my dads brother and his family to drive to go get the remains and keep them at their house till i come back from OS . i will take mums remains there . ( that feels weird )... but at least this way NOONE ELSE can touch them AND at least i have control on this ......... I see a lawyer today , i cant do anythinng at all , its up to the tow so called executors to fight it out about how gets to be the final one and it looks like both parties will do this ( and none of them are even family how weird is that ) and then all has to go to court and then they allget paid and take whatever and I will get ??? who knows . i KNOW DAD WOULD BE FURIOUS . I also think the lawyers are in this as well , HOW COULD THEY LOSE THE WILL? OF COURSE THEY are not admitting it ? BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY HAD IT? THE DRAFT WAS IN THE BANK WITH A LETTER FORM THEM SAYING THEY WOULD DRAW UP THE CHANGES AND PLACE ON FILE ? SO WHATS WITH THAT ? ANWAY , i have to let go , let go let go .... and i see this laywer and make my own will and will in that process ask him to represent me and have power of attorney ect , so anythink that happens with it all goes through him andat least we can keep the b.... straight , in terms of accountability of the finanances / i agree , HOW COME i HAVER TO EVEN DEAL WITH THIS when they had just died , people are MEAN and cold. but it is how it is. yesh i am strong , i have to be . i am a lone , if I AM NOT STRONG ,WHTA HAPPENS ? I FALL APART , NOONE CARES , MY LIFE IS MISERY , END????? NAH ...... NO POINT . I WILL FIGHT AND FIGHT for my right to have a good life . you fight to. dont let it all get to you ..... we all hurt , noone has a corner on pain ,pain is pain , mine is no more than yours , no less than any.......... pain hurts , suffering is human , BUT we can chose to face it and overcome and go deeper in ourslevs , honestly and with compassion ......... thats our only choice ...I choose this. be well talk soon ,t hanks for listening

Hello , first let me say I am very sorry for your loss... and here is one of the only places you will find that does offer undersatnding and support , sad , but true. I want to validate youor feelings. all of us , well , most i think , have had this experience and it hurts and is it seems part of what happens with death , god knows why , but it does . i LOST BOTH MY MUM and DAD very close together and I had to do both funerals and everything involved totalyy alone with absolutely NO HELP AND I mean none at all...... totally alone all of it every detail every part of it for both fuerals , that as u can imagine was devastiting to say the least and exhausting ... and then the heartbreak to know noone , not a soul steeped up to offer a thing , not even a a word of comfort , not even at the fuenral , in fact at the funeral one man who knew my dad , told his brother ( who was totally shattered and is old ) that dad had wanted to give him his car , fancy saying this to his bor at my dads funeral and then another woman , i didn even know , told me i HAD BEEN A BAD GIRL .. AS A KID , HOW IS THAT .... fffff ..... ed up..... anyway , my uncle , my dads bor and his family were sweet , but thats a bout it and they were mostly in their own grief , so not much help , but if not for them , nooone at all cared a shred except for what they may get ........ then home and if it wasnt enough that i HAD HELD MY MUMS HAND AN WATCHED MY MUM DIE AND SO ON, then my dad died and then this was suddenly , so i had to do it all again . ( soory , i got this out of order , ) im back tracking , thats what happened , 2 funerals in 4 mths and then the whole house and therir life and me there alone , cleaning up .. alone in the house alone again. then home , do u think any friends offered to help NOPE none , SELFISH PRICKS , i HAVE LOST I THINK ALL OF THE SO CALLED FRIEINDS AND YOU KNOW WHAT , who cares , i dont they aint friends thats for sure , just slefish people...... then the will , a huge mess , that was the next blow , my dad left a will he had changed , due to realising 6 yrs agao tow so called friends of theirs were manipulating him to inherit his care ( a expensive antique model ) and so he changed it and made another man his executor , well after mum died , I went and had a look and he didnt have the new copy, so i asked and he calle dhis friend and we asked him to go check to be sure it was all in order ..... well they never did ,( so of course i am hurt bythis and angry ) and as a result , now i find out the solicitor has , lost or something???? the new will and instead of getting back to us and seeing the documents the friend had ( a leeter from my dad making him executor ect0 and the new will 9 a draft as it turns out in the bank with a leeter form the solicitor saying they would do it up ) but obviously didnt or if they did they lost it ) anyway ... so its a mess as then they sent a letter to the people my dad had hadthe falling out with and told them THEY are the executors and they get the car and so forth and worse , THEY ARE THE ONES WHO WILL NOW GO THROUGH THE HOSUE AND TOUCH MY MUMS AND DADS BELONGINGS AND DECIDE ON THINGS.. and they donnt give a damn except WHAT THEY can get .... all of them are dishonest vultures and all of them dont care and i HAVE NO SAY . AND NOW IT HAS TO GO TO COURT AND so more of the estate will be gone to pay dishonest lawyers , it suxs big time and hurts and is so bad .... so yes , THIS IS MY STORY OR PART OF IT ... AND IF THIS HELPS SHOW U , YOUR EXPERIENCE IS NORMAL i HOPE IT HELPS , SOMEHOW ,TO KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE, and that this is how it happens and it hurts badly . that people can be so cruel and lacking of any care . I am glad at least u had direct family , i dont even have that , except a bro who is evil and all he wants is money and he never helped never even visited my parents in 20 yrs , despite living around the corner ....... so ther eu go . terrible huh ... and worse by the fact not even the people I THOUGHT CARED CARED A DAMN.......... ANYWAY , we will get thru this , we all will and if nothing else lets hope it teaches us to care and reach out and help others in the future . not to become bitter and angry forever . there are good people , there are , just have to find them and know that the others are ones ot let go of and in the end it is them that realy deserve our sympathy ,c ause they msut be shallow people to act in such ways . anway , not sure if this helps , but I just want u to know , your not alone and many of us have these experiences and HERE IS WHERE U CAN SHARE And people understand . so use this place , ok . again I am sorry so sorry for your pain and suffering and loss , try find time to walk and rest , time will heal us. to some extent ... and also know OUR LOVED ONES LIVE ON IN US.

Hello paul and hello shell, here i am in alone land .. just as well I am going , i seem to have lost every friend i thought I had here.. really truly... just either they moved ( 2 people) another is away ... and then about 6 or so total fallouts ... awoke again to the neighbours ( theya re like 4 ft away from me on the same property , not this time to endless car alarms going off at 2 am( 2 nites in a row ) but this time to music blasting at 6 am....... i called out ( I never do this ) and said can you turn the music down PLEASE.... AND THEN SLAMMED MY WINDOW SHUT . so as a consquence I am tired again and pissed off with them and their constant selfishness....... and glad i am going ....... as hars as ti is .... it is only my dog it is ahrd to leave ... not much else , oh and the ocean ... but not PEOPLE. I know this is grief in part . but if it is , well it sure shows u the truth of human nature in its extremes and mostly people dont appear to be much help. though there is some , like HERE and also a couple of other people , who i dont see much , but when I do it is helpful.... but its a counselor and my yoga teacher , so they dont really count as they are kind ( in their roles ) although I supsect also could be friends as well..... then there is a couple peole i CAN CALL ON THE phone , and thats the things that save me form feeeling complete aloneness ... and self pity at my lot ;/ i SERIOUSLY do not know why I am doing what I am. but I AM AND Rather , than loose energy trying to analyse it and figure it out , bes tot just go with it and see how it unfolds . maybe it will be clearer once in the USA and in the end I tell myself WHO CARES... really , if i fail,even , who cares , noone much and thats good , sort of comforting . but at this stage i need to carry through and i KNOW once there new things will emege they have to . paul , i so realte , to the addict and the duality and the sepreation and lapse between emotional and interllectual.... i have this . its slowley changing and madam lash is getting less , sometimes she isbrutal ( me to me) and i then now think , u know , expect nothing , there is no right , wrong , just things as they are ........ ITS A HARD LESSON FOR US CONTROL FREAKS WHO WANT TO BEABLE TO HAVE AN ANSWER TO EVERTHING AND FIGURE VERYTHING OUT ... AND BE HEALED ALREADY BEFORE WE EVEN GET A CAHNCE TO CRY . but thats our training , i learn this , you did as well... the old get up and pull u boots on and so on.... others expect US , me , TO BE STRONG and so I am I am strong .... but sometimes feel i have reached a limit . but no choice but to continue , cause noone can pick me up and give me a reprieve , no one is gonna wrap me up and take care of me . noone. so thats that . it will be ok... I will go to the beach and have a swim and then come home and work work work and get this damn report in... I think i actually will still have another 4 days to do on it ....... which means ? I have no idea when , given i have to pack now. time is limited and passing and its hard .... why why ,c ant someone help me , I wish someone would . just small things , even , just somoene make me a meal , or mow my lawn ... but its not how it is . so all i can do is do what i can... thats all............. be well and thanks for the replies and support , It helps just to talk to someone and know I am not the only one ... but sorry that it is so , sorry that u also have this hard time . but like we say to each other ( it will get better ) IT HAS TO. CAUSE EVERYTHING CHANGES AND EVERYTHING PASSES AND SO THIS TOOOOOOOO SHALL PASS.......... ALSO , IT HELPS ME TO REMEMEBER ALL THE THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR , EVEN HARD AS IT IS ... U KNOW . we are alive ( i think this is a good thing? loll ) and we are healthy ( resoanbly ) and the sun shines and so on , we have food , we arent ina war ( directly getting bombed ) and others somehwere have it worse ......... not that I wisht hey did , but it helps me to think In the scheme of things , my lot is not that bad , really ... and so ....... on we go. talk more soon. x

Hello everyone , been reading the posts and so relate of course .. damn huh .anyway , yes , I think I am up and down a lot , yesterday I was angry and a biot snappy at people , I have been really tried , no wonder , with packing up my house , tryong to deal with evil lawyers and the will when my dads barely cremated , my mum going seems like ten years already and its 5 mths > I and my dad is only 6 weeks and already its like everything is finsihed , like when you say , now you have to deal with the next leverl the estate , MAN i HAD TO START WITH THAT BEFORE i EVEN SAW HIS BOdy ... for me everything is totally overhwelming in its speed and hig need of my time and energy .. so I got snappy .....i got mad at the cafe i went to have break fast ,( cause I was too tired to go shop and then make some ) cause I never ever eat out and then when the food came , it was cold and hard and yuk.... then I snapped at kmy friend on the phone , SHE WAS GOING ON A BOUT WANTING to see me , before I move , and Im like , man i got so much to do........ and then they f guilt trip you cause u got no time ...... but do they offer to help.......... so I felt guilty and called her back and said , hey look , im sorry, its just heard right now , but how about tommorrowe morning , a walk on the bech , before I pack... nah , she is busy horse riding oh and then ok , how about sunday then..... nah , her boyfriend is here ...... so damn , why did i feel guilty anyway ? she isnt really avaialble anyway ? and then I realised she was just like the rest of the drop kick stu[pid people who WANT something , cause then she was like , oH are you seeling stuff , u know , maybe I CAN GET A BARGIN ... YEAH right ..... got ya. so , back to the work , I have to write this damn report up today and tommorow , i worked 12 hours strait on it yesterdaY AND i CRIED HALF THE TIME and this is the SAME DAY I WAS FEELING SNAPPY.... then I felt like just chucking it ALL IN AND i mean ALL , like life is toooooooo har d, tooooolong , tooooooo much energy and who woudl really care anyway , well no family left ect.... and hey doing my will monday , so it will be all covered u know...... but this is a momentary feeling I think. I TRUST ITWILL PASS AND IS just a single of my overwhelm and distress right now today ..... SO how can it be different ....not sure right now...... sometimes it cant be , u know sometimes this is how it is . sometimes , it si a long haul; of pain and suffereing , my mum suffered like that , long and no repreive except morhpine , there was nothing to do to make it better , except to try be loving when I saw her ..... ahhhhhhhhh, cant even go there ..... i think actually THIS IS ALL ABIT MUCH i am gonna go now , I had more to say , but thats enough for now . It doent matter anyway ,c ause nothing will fix this , its a mess , its hard and its all MINE TO DEAL WITH . noone else just tired i THINK......... VERY TIRED AND no time to slepp and rest and do all those things THAT WOULD COULD HELP. just got to keep going and hope I GET THROUGH THIS AND ONE DYA IT WILL BE BETTER THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW. BUT you knjow what MAYBE IT WONT BE? HOW ABOUT THAT ? MAYBE . SORRY FOR THE RANT AND FOR THE BAD BAD SPELLING , WHEN i AM, TIRED AND NO SPELL CHECK FUCNTION ....... THATS HOW IT ENDS UP. OH OH , JUST FOUDN SPELL CHECL ...LOL.... is ther eone , doesnt look like ther eis , oh well

Hey , YES i THINK I do the same , think I am doing ok and then WHAM ... BUT THIS FOR ME MEANS that I am still caught in having some idea a bout how it is meant to be , or some linear idea that it finsihes , I am trying to work in myself to learn how to just BE wwith whatever arises and to send kindness to this in myself , like even when I beat mysefl up , to try go ," oh , here i go again " oh well and then try breath into it and just let it be like a wave that is breaking and washing up for a while on me..... then breatjhing and watching it and letting it pass ....... this takes practice ...... also when its good , not to then think, oh goody , now its over and its all good , but equally to view it with the same sort of deatachment , to enjoy this and be grateful , but to know , EVERYTHING CHANGES AND PASSES... in terms of the feelings about your dad , wow , can I relate i sure had that , still do form time to time ., feelings were so strong , did He know I love dhim , did he think becuse i was going OS that I was abnaDONING him AND CAUSE mum had died , did he just give up . maybe ? maybe not ? who will ever know ... the thing is , he is gone and so is your dad . so we have to think we did our best , even if it was not enough ...... AND REMEMEBer , EVERY ONE HAs their own timing and death to have , its not us who holds the power for this .... I know my dad was broken hearted at losing mum , I know he felt very sad I was going away , I know , there is much that could have been better , different ect , for him , for me , for all of us ..... BUT thats life , for us all ...... nothing is perfect and no one is perfect .. I am learning to forgive myself for my inadequacies . and to accept a bit what is... our dads are gone . nothing to do , nothing to bring them back. all we can do now is to send love TO THEM NOW , tell them we love them and we set them free , free of this suffering .. and we will always love them... its ok ....... I cry even thinking this...... but it helps. there will be good days , hard days , but we will be ok.... and u know, THEY LOVE US AND THEY WANT US HAPPY ......... AND FREE TO/

Hello there , This is so normal rest assurred , it is how greif works in us , I have had days of such raw emotions , days where i FEEL ALL THE WAHT IF , AND WAS I ENOUGHS , AND DID i love well enough and guilt and replays of all the past and so on and so on........ ITS i THINK another way we process our feelings ... we are leeting go of such a lot ..... and weel u know , we know , its a huge thing..... other days , there is calm , peace , sleeep , and accepteance ect ... I am early in the process myself , both mum and dad gone in the last few mths and dad only 6 weeks ago...I was only coming to terms with mum when dad died , and then the avalanche of feelings really hit .. as I am also now dealing with the will and a whole mess up with that ... another hit in the guts and another round of grief reactions. I notice though in both cases after a bout 40 - 50 days a palpable shift , both time . like one day woke up and felt different , like something had released and shifted ........ anyone else notice this ? hmm. I know cause when it happened with mum I got a calendar an counted the days since she had died . it was 49 . then with dad I counted yeaterday and it was 40 days.... so I wonder ebcuse on both cases the intensity shifted... why ? not sure ? I know it feels lonly , I feeel this , I have felt it so bad and been so angry and I think death defintely re writes most peoples address books , has mine twice over at least . people are selfish , so are we, even when we think we arent , we try and soem of us have more empathy than others , ususally cause of our own pain and lessons in life........ and this helps us maybe be more compassionate .... some help beuse of a beleief or a job ...... but yeah , those of us who I think are rare people who genuinely try help others , it can be a shock then when the s*** hits for us and NOONE IS THERE . seems injust , and wrong somehow. but it happens.. for me , this is a time to reflect on why i do the things I do for people. DO i EXPECT THINGS BACK , do I do it to feel loved and worthwhile , do I do it becuse I want to ? ect..... its also linked with boundaries and many things . and also the truth is a lot of people ( so they say to me ) just dont know how to help , are in their own s*** , or just dont get it .... so having a attitude of forgiveness or acceptance of this helps me...... but BOY , i have felt angry tooooooo and hurt and abandoned ......I think what I am trying to say , is i think this is the GRIEF PROCESS , all htese things , all these feelings are normal... as we let go of huge parts of our lives at the same time as we let go of those we loved and love still......... its a huge thing and a huge in a way path way ... i think keep coming here, , its ok to say whatever and maybe just maybe we help each other in ways others cant and dont and wont ..... and then we can pass this on ....

YES , WE ALL SHARE such simiar experiences its a great comfort ot feel normalised coming here and sharing isnt it . and I agree with all thats said , we can learn to be better people and not be like those we have been hurt by and leftby and abnadoned by ect... we can choose to see the cup half empty or half full as they say .. its our choice . I am leaving my dear dog for a year soon and thats tough so soon afetr losing mum and dad ....... and now packing my hone and leaving that as well and all my old friends to travel and study in the USA.... leaving my dog is the hardest and I think I will cry and cry and be so worried , but hoping that she will not miss me too badly , hoping she will adjust to her new home ( a farm ) with a warm friend of mine , her daughter and 2 younger make dogs , I sortve tell her , she is also going on an adventure and i think it may be possible after she adjust that the year will go fast and she will have a wonderul time running around the farm and playing with other doggies and having a warm 7 year old to love her ....... but its hard , so hard and if anything happens , I will be devastated . but i HAVE TO GO , cause I got this award to do research and as much as a part of me wants to stay here , I know thats silly , cause then waht would I do... THIS IS MY WORK AND CAREER AND once only chance ...... but really , i have thought abouyt not going... and when mum died , I also thought about not going and then when dad died ... and sometimes , i feel guilty and think maybe they wouldnt have died now if they had thought I WAS STAYING... but my mum had been ill and suffering for ten years after her accident , and I had stayed all this time.. id idnt know she would die when she did , although she could have gone anytime really....and then when she died , i felt bad to go , leaving dad , but he wanted me to go , though in some ways he also didnt want me to go ... but I was going anyway .. he was fine , i was worried for him , but i thought he would be aroudn for a few more years ...... he died suddenly , in his bed , in his sleep... out of the blue....... its hard not to feel guilt . did i do enough , did i love enough , well , all this.l ut I did and I did everything I could ... some friends say more than most .... and I tried and tried to help... and now they are gone . so no good lamenting and wishing things , they are gone . finshed . but yeah leaving my girl , ahhhhhhhh. hard hard hard . but hopefully she will be ok and I will come home and she will be happy andlife will be in a new place. its wild packing .. so many closures , so much is ending , I hope a new life is ahead with joy and not so much pain...... i feel for us all... there is hope here , sharing together , we have our ups , downs , anger , grief , pain , accpetance , all those things and we can realte to each other in ways few can ...we are lucky to have this space to do it in. keep sharing and together we will learn and grow and heal. be well

Yes , I THINK it is true that a lot of it is that others dont know what to say , for fear of saying the wrong things , and you know why ,cause often they do .... and then they hear us say ,( speaking for myself ) how dumb the things are that people say ........ which is pretty true as well. also people are afraid or unsure themesleves of death , unless they have been through a very major loss of significance and there is I think a difference , for me there is , has been , between deaths fo close friends to that of mother or father or lover or child , ect .... in terms of the closeness to the not just the person and the complex realtionshsips , but to the actual arrangements for the funeral aND THE MAASIVE TASKS INVOLVED with wills , estates and relatives ect .... all these things impact us as well , and have a big effect , which is different than just showing up for the funeral and going home and back to work the next day ... u know........ HUGE difference,.,. and people dont tend to understand this , they just think of the actually death as being the things thats hard and they dont know...........also WE AS humans are pretty selfish and self absorbed mostly , and most of the time operate on fairly superficial levels , then this happens and we are shook into a different world for a while and have aheightened sense of things , ( most of us ) or elese we go NUMB... but FOR ME and i think many of us , the superficial stuff is suddenly stuff wer have not ime for anymore and therefore empty talk filling space up and petty things will annoy us . also we will notice peoples selfishness more and we also in away become slefish , cause WE eexpect OTHERS TO SEE THIS Huge event thats effectinbg us and let their stuff go and think fo us ...... its true ., and why not , yeah , it would be NICE and some peoplke do help ,some do care , some do say things and so on....... but not everyone ........ so maybe its just all noraml and not going change anytime soon , we can however become people who do notice and do try to feel and see others pain , not just our own and thorugh this expereince we share now , learn to be more tolerant , understanding ,f orgiving , compassionate people...... anyway , we found this site and this place helps us a lot . i HOPE everyone is feeling better today . I am , thank god . firat time in months

I am so sorry for your losses , losing a child is unbearable and stays with us always as we silently sometimes , ce;lebrate their birthdays and things that could of been and are not more........ i lost my first and only girl at birth , i often even now 22 years later wonder every year about how she would have been , what she would have been like ect... i would and still do , see people her age and imagine her ... it is always gonna hurt and be a sadness. One I HARDLY EVER EVEN SHARE EVER ...ITS A SILENT PAIN , NOONE SEES. iTS OK , BETTER NOW , AS IT LIVES IN ME . SHE LIVES IN ME. I can not even imagine though how much it would hurt to have had her for all these years and then to lose her , esp from an illness of tradegy .... I feel so deeply for this pain........ know you are not alone , know that many feel this with you and somehow let this help.... I sometimes think that she died so I WOULD GO DEEP ... AND CONNECT WITH a universal mother and the pain of others , but we make meaning where we can.... that was my way ... the grief for many years was silent and unbearable , noone ever meantioned it , so I didnt either , i blocked it out . now sometimes it comes back and i cry and think of her......... nowm my mum and dad just died and so of course i am feeling her loss as well , the loss of family on all sides , im 46 and have lost my birth mother and father , now my adopted mother and father , my first and only child ... yes , its hard and it also is amazing spirutal challenge , I only know I can keep going and live as fully , deeply and bravely as I can to honour their lives and the gift of mine. when in grief , when we are sad , depressed even and sometimes angry , I know that feeling , it can seem pointless and endless and cruel all these things and incredibly lonely and also sometimes we lose friends , feel abandoned and betrayed . this is all totally normal and will pass , believ me , not completely , not ever ,. but it will find , you will find , a way to go on and remember the love inyour hearts. I am so so sorry for your loss , so sad , so hard , i dont know if anything I am saying helps , but I felt to try support you and me , somehow , i just feel for you , cant make it better , noone can , but can say dont be alone , know your loved by this infintie universe , even in our darkest angriest places ......... be well and may we all find the peace and healing we seek... and know our loved ones are free now......... as one day we will be .

shell , I have friends ion alabama and they really want me to visit , but yeah , at this stage i htink my schedule is already so so full it is hard ot imgagine this can be ....never mind ........ I finally got somewhere to day with tasks , booked the storage unit , booked the removalist , booked in with a solicitor for my own will and to organise him to handle my affairs with my dad and mums will and all those issues... called the uni , got organised with those things , started packing .... throwing our heaps of rubbish and sorting things , it feels like a relief . though i over did it and I have aheadache .... I also realised it is going to happen and its ok .i think I am transitioning to the next level fo what lies ahead for me .. yeah , well at least today ,,,,,,,, tommorrow can and most likely will be different , I am learning not to count on anything and not to think that I know....... one thing this whole experience has taught me is I KNOW NOTHING ......... that I have very little control on very little ... but I od have some and some chocies and I will do what I can to stay well and healthy and not get dragged down to long .....i can not afford to go into depression , I know NOONE will rescue me its upto me to get through this . i hope and believe I can and will .. the grief will come and go and always will hurt , but its better , today , and for that I am grateful ....... its good to notice moments free of distress.

tHANKS FOR THE REPLIES ... it is a bit addcitive to me right NOw TO BE COMING ON LINE SO MUCH..loll and bad typing , i always type badly when emotional and i cant seem to find spell check on here , which would make it better. very slack of me really ...loll. the lunch was very nice and moving ... the older woman who was the wife of the farmer my dad worked for was there , she is 104 can you beleive that, then her daughter who had a photo of dad when he was 15 and first worked for them , she was a baby on his shoulders. it is the only photo of my dad as a young person , there are no others till he married my mum , isnt that sad......... anyway , a lot of feelings , but its ok........ i am finding i think about them all the time , for some reason its getting more not less . or I am noticing it anyway... its a strong thing. I have a huge day tommorrow , i have to really start to be on track with things , i hope i can find the motivation and energy ... you asked where i will be , well ... San Fran, then Tuscon , then NY , then colorado ( boulder ) then New mexico ( sante fe and taos) then san fran again till i go home .. i will be there a year. I would want anything i say here to be comnpletely confidenatial between people here .... i hope thats a granted thing . i would do that for any of you... i defintely say things and share things here i share no where else and my process of grief is personal, in some ways thats why i come here , cause i cant , share the depths with people in person so well ... u know.. some people use anything against you and if they know you have a vunerability they can hurt you , sad but true and i have learnt this from being hurt in the past . i trust people here though as we all in the same boat . so i know here i am safe . thats amazing . its opened up my thinking also about how to help others in this situation and i think web based stuff has a real plaCE AND IS A REAL SERVICE . worthy of research as well...... somehting i think I should also look into... i would be interested to know how many people things like this help u know and why ... interesting huh . anyway , i am raving , its been a big day ..... and bigger ones ahead . i am grateful for this site to ramble on and it is good ( though sad ) to feel understood , heard , responded to and not alone. i hope you feel that as well as we face these feelings ... peace

KATHY NEVCER APOLOGISE , I FEEL YOU VERY MUCH . i am no great survivor , and i am only doing what I must , if i hadnbt got this award , i would be hiding more , let me tell you , it is only this pushing me along , which at times is very stressful and i find myself having to let go of more and more and the fear is quite hard on me at times and the ability to function is impaired , BUT , i know if i dont go , i will get more depressed and down and always will wonder what could have been and also I KNOW , it would make me feel even wrose about mum and dad dying ... so this is why i am pushing through , not becuse i want to . but becuse i have to..... and maybe this is a blessing in disguise if i can still be true to myself some ... and who knowd why the hell these things are as they are right now , its so totally wild and intense to think that the same time i find out i got this massive award my mum and dad both die ? oh my god , its too weird .;;;;;;;; but thats what happened... lfie throws us these intense things , and in the end ONE DAY , you and me will be the ones that are dying ,. isnt that even wilder .......... and this in a way , this horiible thing , the finality of our loved ones ,i guess prepares us also for what lies ahead and if we can go deeper , i know we will be richer and wiser for it and be able to make our lives count for something ....... WE DO COUNT ,WE ARE UNIQUE AND NEVER WILL WE PASS THIS WAY AGAIN , NOT AS US ANYWAY... SO LETS TRY HEY , lets try be the joy and life our parents can no longer have . they would wish this for you and for me .... i wish this for you ...... yes , we will all go up and down and sometimes very every down .... i have and will and do and i expect it to take a long time till this changes , but we can learn to go with it and not fight it and allow it , our tears are like water for the flowers in our hearts .... its ok......... i wish I oculd hold you and tell you that and sometimes I wish someone could do that for me..... but we can tell ourselves this and each other , its ok ... its ok ..... and toegther sharing our truths and hardships and longing and tears we will live happy again with out loved ones precious memeories and hearts inside us. write anything anytime , its all fine with me....all of it . if you cant come here and be down and sad , well ? where can you ?????? thats what its here for . be well

yes this is so hard , i have no answers , sorry to say as mu mum and dad just paased in the last few months of each other and its so fresh and hard . but I UNDERSTAND and so do many here where otheres wont ,,,, it is normal to feel overhwelmed and lost and alone. but here , u can share and find support and not feel so alone..keep coming here and sharing and together we can learn how to softly touch our grief anfd others as well..... remember our mums and dads love us and want us to be happy , not sad ... but of course we are sad , just we owe it to them not to sink or do oursleves harm and get on with our own lives when we can as best we can , u know..... even the ahrd times with our parents , or any fights , now are all finished and it is their essence which we share and now more than anything it is this we can talk with and know they are with us , even if just as a memeory , nothing can take that away .... be in peace if you can , breath in and out aND THROUGH the pain , talk share and KNOW EVERYTHING YOU FEEL IS NORMAL AND WILL PASS and you will feel better in time , you have to , this wont lAST FOREVER , THE PAIN WILL , BUT NOT SO MUCH , BELIEVE IT . TRY . OK. HANG IN THERE

Thanks for all the repsonses , IT SO SO HELPS ME AND HOPEFULLY ALL OF US . today is a big day , going to meet people who my dad knew in the 30's or 40's wow , so long ago , he grew up in an orphange and then was kicked out and sent ot work on their farm..... but somehow after all these years he still wrote and kept in touch. he wanted me to make contact with them , so after he died I foudn their number and did so . they called and have organised a " family" LUNCHEON WITH ME OT MEET ALL OF THEM 4 GERNERATIONs... IT WILL BE ... WHO KNOWS , emotional and moving and I am deeply touched and a bit nervous. but i KNOW DAD WANTED this and feel proud to do it for him , just sad I cant tell him about it and reprot back to him , or anything .. and this will be sad , how come it is after they die , all t hese things come out and how come i feel more for him than I ever did .natural i think. ahh this is hard , to lose them both I think about it ALL THE TIME ... that and the mess of the will and the betrayals and there is so much going on inside and so much letting go to be done and work to do...... and on top of this pakcing up to move for a year OS and leave my darling darling dearest dog , tara , who is the love of my life ( silly to some i know ) but she is special to me and has been with me 7 years... and is basically ALL I HAVE LEFT.. i pray she will be ok with me going . its hard and will be hard on her and me .... its very hard . oh well , got to keepo moving and trying my best and can only do what i can do and unfortnautely I am expected to work at a high level and once in the USA it will all be very busy and intense as well and huige amount of work , just ot catch up ont he work i missed being able to attend to over the last 4 mths as the death and funerals and so on have been my work for all this time . its endless and tiring as YOU ALL KNOW.... but mutiplied is even harder , almost more than I can cope with mentally ... or even make sense of ,,,,, its early days yet and it will be intersting to see how I go as i let go of even more and leave with nothing .... to something unknown , all a bit scarey and lonely ...... and yes , my biggest prayer is I come home and my dear tara is ok and happy and alive...... any more death , ( which unfortuantely happens and is out of my control ) but if i have a say , i would ask for no more for a little while at least and please god not my dear dog....... I feel for you all , loss is just hard any loss ... and is so personal and lonely no matter what .. its ours and noone elses in the end ... its also a chance to learn and become more compassionate and transform our emotions and anger and so on and make sure we live the best we can in honour of those who have gone . I knwo my parents in their highest being would wish me well and want me happy and fulfilled , I am sureyour do as well , no matter the difficulties we all may have had when alive , no matter any fights or whatever , in the end we all wish for those we love ot be happy and loved . I wish this for myself , for you AND FOR ALL WHO ARE SUFFERING THIS PAIN OF LOSS AND GRIEF THIS DAY . MAY WE ALL BE HELD BY THE INFINITE LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE , ITS THERE FOR US. i KNOW IT IS.