jmb

Hi niamh, Thank you for your kind reply. You're right, this is a great site. I find it comforting to learn that grief is a normal part of life, and that it is 'normal' to feel so much pain. I'm so sorry that you lost your Dad. I lost my dad when I was little, and there's not a day goes by when I don't think about him. Mind you, I think about all my family every day. Sad to say, they are often not happy thoughts. For me, every loss is different. Because of the great distance between Australia and UK, I didn't see much of my sister over the years, and she never came here to see me. So, I don't actually miss her in the usual sense. After all, I am used to not seeing her for years on end, and often we would have no contact apart from Christmas and Birthday cards. But out of the blue, I will suddenly burst into tears, just knowing that she is gone. It's almost as if it were a terrible dream, but I know too well, it is not. At her funeral my cousin asked me what I was thinking of when I was sobbing hard. I was remembering our childhood. We shared a lot of history. We witnessed together a lot of dreadful things that children should never see. I grieve because I will never have the opportunity to talk about those memories. I longed to talk about the 'old days' with her. I had hoped that one day we would. Thankfully, I had a couple of weeks in October with her, and we talked more in those 2 weeks than ever in our whole lives before. I am so glad for that . We just talked and talked. It's ironic, because if she hadn't been so sick, she wouldn't have sat still for more than 10 seconds, she was such a busy bee. I find it very helpful to talk to grief counselors. I find it reassuring to know that grief can be exhausting. If someone hadn't told me that I would have been anxious about being so tired. I find great comfort in sharing. Thank you niamh, I do find comfort in knowing I am not alone. Thank you to those who read this. jmb

Hi loulou, So sorry that you've lost your dad. I can understand that his death has hit you so hard. Also I can understand having a hard time with other relationships. I've had trouble all my life with all sorts of relationships, family in particular. What has helped me so much with that has been going to Alanon. Of course that's not for everybody. When I went to UK to be with my sister, I was shocked to discover that her family were not all that I thought they were. My sister was famous for being 'positive' and only ever said everything was fine in letters and phone calls. A lot of attention was paid to academic and material success. I was in awe of her children, especially as my marriage was a disaster, and my own children had so many problems as a result. The reality was very different though. They are high achievers all right, but some of them behaved atrociously towards me. But it was all sort of hush hush. I was so hurt, and being so far from home, and alone made it all the more difficult to deal with. I have learned such a lot about grief since then - by talking to grief counselors, books, and websites, and now here. I have learned that everyone is different and grieves differently. Some people I thought of as friends have ignored the fact my sister died, other people have surprised me by giving me big hugs and showing compassion. Right now I can't deal with people who act as though nothing has happened. I have a great need for my loss simply to be acknowledged. I see it as courtesy and respect, even plain manners. I am rethinking everything. I don't want those people in my life. I don't resent them, but need to take care of myself. For me, family are the last people that can help, but that's because of deep issues that go back a long time. Loulou, small children can be exhausting at the best of times. My experience has been that whenever I'm not traveling well, the little ones become more demanding. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. It's so important to take good care of yourself, and get all the help you possibly can. jmb

Thank you DeeGee for your reply and for your welcome. I am sorry to hear that your husband died. Thank you also for reassuring me. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy! I used to feel like that a lot many years ago. I actually did go 'crazy' - several times, but I realise now, with hindsight, that was a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - growing up in such an abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional family. I was the identified patient - nothing wrong with anyone else!!! Since my sister's death I am sort of reliving a lot of the past. Old memories resurfacing, long buried emotions coming to the surface. To make things more difficult, I have had a badly infected tooth, which was extracted yesterday. I am going to see my GP this evening, just to be on the safe side. Once again, thank you, and I'm sorry for sounding so immature before. jmb.

I guess not.

I'm brand new to this site and I love it already. My sister died in January. I knew since last April that she had advanced lung cancer, so I understand that I have been experiencing anticipatory grief. Because we live thousands of miles apart, I haven't seen much of my sister over the past 30 years, but I was lucky enough to be able to spend time with her last October and again in January. She died in hospital. When I arrived in early January, my sister was sitting up in bed, obviously terribly ill, but able to chat. After a few days she lapsed into unconsciousness, and stayed like that for several days - I can't remember how many days exactly, and never regained consciousness. This unrousable person looked nothing like my sister. Her usual thick curly brown (dyed) hair was colourless, thin and straight. Her whole appearance looked nothing like her. It's like I lost her days before she actually died. What I'm finding now is her death has taken the lid off a lifetime of previously unrecognised and unexpressed grief, from my father's death when I was 9, to my losing siblings to emigration, and my mothers death weeks after I emigrated, newly married and pregnant with my first child. Since then I have lost my marriage, my home, and for a number of years my children. I have felt alienated for years from my original family. I feel that I have reached some sort of rock bottom with grief. I am finally feeling the devastating pain of facing the losses and the awareness that absolutely nothing will change the past. My youngest child left home 2 years ago, and I did grieve that, but now I am dealing with the fact of life that I am living alone, my children have grown, and all my previous attempts to get close to family have failed. I am finally letting go. Will this pain ever end? Will I ever feel strong enough to take up so many activities that I was planning before my sister's terrible diagnosis? It's not that I'm not interested, but that there are so many things I want to do, also many things that need to be done, and I feel overwhelmed and end up doing only the barest essentials to survive. Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you for reading this. jmb