AuntDiLegacy

sodcdancer, Now read this carefully and think about it: The death of a friend is always a terrible experience, very difficult to deal with, no matter HOW OLD YOU ARE. In your case, you are a very young person. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of someone you loved or cared for at such a young age, but you are also struggling with what that person may have been thinking about you prior to his tragic death. WE ALL say things in close relationships that the other person KNOWS VERY WELL AREN'T TRUE. When you said, "I hate you, don't ever talk to me again", Jamel KNEW VERY WELL THAT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT. Maybe he was pissed off for a second, maybe he reacted with anger and gave you the finger, THIS DOES NOT MEAN A THING. Do you think it's that easy or simple to LOSE a real friendship, where both people understand one another and care about one another? If that were the case NO ONE would have ANY FRIENDS or loved ones. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JAMEL'S DEATH and HE DID NOT LEAVE THE WORLD THINKING THAT YOU HATE HIM. NO ONE knows what happens after physical death: we can pray, we can believe religious teaching and philosophy, we can go to psychics, yada yada: end result, NO ONE KNOWS. But this I DO know: you need in-person comfort and counsel RIGHT NOW to help you deal with this situation, which is perhaps the most serious loss you've ever experienced in your young life. FIND IT. How? Is there a teacher you respect and admire, someone who will listen to you; is there a guidance counselor in your school who isn't an idiot, who really cares; is there an adult in your life (parent, aunt, cousin, neighbor, friend's mom) who can sit down and listen to what you have to say and do what I would do: put my arms around you, tell you that your love for Jamel is important and that he never doubted it, no matter what your words were; and tell you that what you feel NOW, no matter how old you live, no matter what happens, the love and caring you feel NOW for Jamel and anyone else, MEANS SOMETHING to ALL of us, because all consciousness is connected and love travels FAR, my dear, very FAR and forever. DO NOT blame yourself for loving someone and being angry at them; find someone who can listen to you, who is willing to help you, who has the life experience and wisdom to help you deal with this horrible loss in your young life over the next few months. AND DON'T STOP caring for yourself, and for others. You are truly a unique and beautiful person, believe THAT.