My dad died 1 week ago today. He was a very healthy 84 yr old who would walk all over town after he couldn't drive. That weekend he suffered a devastating stroke on Friday which left him in a coma until he died on Tuesday morning. I woke my Dad for dinner when I returned home Friday night and that was the last time I saw my Dad. He had the stroke as he woke up and we never really had my Dad again.
I didn't have any idea how deep the pain would be. Last week was easy - you have a purpose, a plan, directions and you just follow that receipe. Now I am just floating. Yesterday I went to work. I couldn't open the door to my department until someone found me in the hallway where I was trying to do deep breathing to calm me. I had to stop anyone who even tried to mention a condolence or ask me how I was doing. I manage a department of 11 people and I was in tears and almost sobbing when the IT dept told me they couldn't install a computer until that afternoon. I had to leave early. I tried again today and lasted all day but had to wave away anyone who even started to speak of it and would then have to compose myself again. I am trying again tomorrow and then I am taking 2 days off. This is exhausting me.
I hadn't realized it would be so hard. I had never expected it would be my father first. My mother has a form of dementia and my Dad always took care of her so I never thought that he would go before her. Now I am responsible for her care plus have the pain of losing him. The pain and the stress overwhelms me and it has only been a few days - I can't imagine what it will be like in a few months.
My daughter said this pain will have to become more bearable otherwise we would see more people walking around crying. I feel so sad, almost feel like I'm dreaming or that he's away visiting a friend. It's so confusing, unsetteling, unbearable, scary, lonely, and I don't even know how I really feel - numb - that's it I guess I mostly feel numb. Thats how I keep from crying all my waking hours. The numbness takes over most of the time only every now and then it slips and reality pops up. I don't know how anyone gets past this..... or even past this first month? How do you have a life again? How do you have a celebration again, a holiday, a birthday, a wedding? Who do you call? I just don't know what I will do ....
