Eli, Thank you so much. My story sounds a lot like yours - only more recent. My mother also (maybe unwittingly) worked to keep me at a distance from my father. I realized only in the last year that he was really a good guy and she was the manipulator. And, yet, she is helpless now and want to care for her...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. As for "how it sounds" that you talk to your father. I completely understand. I believe in the afterlife, ...but today for some reason I was trying hard to find a reason not to believe...weird. I guess it might be a need to beat myself up. Like I have control over life and death and somehow failed to save my father and so I should suffer. The last two weeks of my father's life I had to do everything for him. Today I was having thoughts like maybe I didn't let him know, really know that I loved him and he just "gave up" and died because he didn't want to be a burden. Marty T, Thank you also. I took a quick look at the care giver site and will go back to take a good long look through the links, I already see some wonderful information that might help me. Thank you for your support and caring. I need to learn as much as I can so I can help myself. Kathy, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know how you are feeling and thank you for taking time from your own grief to offer such kind words. I am not anti-medication. I am trying to work through my feelings without medication, but if I don't I would consider seeing a doctor. I'm trying to examine my feelings...it might be that I have been depressed for a long time and my father's death just made everything so raw that it woke me up to my feelings. Tara, Knowing that others understand what I am feeling does help to take the sting out of this a little. You brought up a good point...to examine why we do things for people..."do we expect something in return"....Tara I really have to look deeply into my soul to find out if that is why I do help people. Sometimes I think it is because I see myself in them and would want someone to help me. It hurts me to see people needing help and knowing that I can do something to help them...but I am open to the fact that maybe I have some buried motive besides compassion or empathy. To all of you....thank you for taking the time to respond and for not making me feel like I am having a pity party...I am so glad to be here. Today was so strange, I thought I was dealing with all of this then wham!!!