beckym

Haven't been to the site for sometime, but have been feeling so sad and lonely. Mom has been gone now for over a year and a half and I still don't seem to be accepting it. I don't know if I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Since her death I have retired and seem lost. I do think part of it is that I don't feel needed anymore, that I have no purpose. I have a wonderful husband and terrific kids and grandkids but I feel I've come to the realization that sometimes there is just one person in your life that you connect with more than any other. I just have no one to share my deepest thoughts with. I still feel guilt over so many things. She was such a wonderful person and she never seemed to get the credit she deserved, even from me. What I would give to just talk to her again. I have thought of volunteering at the assisted living facility where she lived but feel it may stir up too many emotions. I want to move on and find fulfillment and happiness again. I feel like such a whiner. I don't talk to anyone about these feelings and I'm sure they think I'm doing fine now. I just can't seem to really enjoy anything anymore. I thought it would be better by now.

Thanks so much for your kind words. It really helps to know someone understands.

Just needed to write some thoughts. It's been over two months now and I can't believe how much it hurts. As I stated before my mom died in March after a long illness with Parkinsons. We were so close so much alike. I can't forgive myself for the times I was impatient with her and our situation. She had no quality of life left, everything had to be done for her. I stupidly thought it would be a blessing to just let her go, she would be in a better place and I know she is. But I miss her so much. I want to hold her hand to tell her I'm sorry to ask her to forgive my thoughtlessness. If only I could have one more day with her. I wish I could tell other caregivers who are tired and resent all they have to do that some day when the person they love is no longer there unkind words will haunt them. I use to think, especially on Sundays, "if only I didn't have to go to moms, if I only had a day to myself". Oh God, what I would give to see her every Sunday and every other day. I can't believe things will ever be better. I will never be as close to anyone as I was to mom. She understood me so well. If only I could have one more moment. A friend of mine gave me beautiful poem recently. I don't know who wrote it but would like to share it with you. If tulips grow in heaven Lord, please pick a bunch for me, place them in my mothers arms and tell her there from me. Tell her that I miss and love her and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while. Because remembering is easy, I do it every day, there is an ache within my heart that never goes away. Thanks for listening beckym

Thanks to all of you who responded to my message with such love and support. It is so wonderful to know people are there who understand. Love to you all. Beckym

I found this site yesterday and hope it can be of help. I really connected with ChristineK's story about her mother. My mom passed away on March 25th from Parkinson's disease. We were as close as we could be. I often joked that we were more like clones. Mom had been ill for 7 years and we had been through so much together. As the only child living in the area everything fell to me. It became so overwhelming at times. Mom had lost everything at the end and had no quality of life. She would not have wanted to live like that. I though I was prepared to let her go. I did remarkably well for the first two weeks after she died. It has now hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never been one to cry much (especially in front of anyone) but i cannot seem to stop. She was everything to me and even though she knew me so well and knows how much I loved her, I can never hold her hand or tell her I love her. I am consumed with guilt. I need to ask her forgiveness for the times I was inpatientt with her or the circumstances of her illness. Even though we talked every morning and every evening, I wish I had done more, listened more, comforted more. Why is it that things become crystal clear only when it's too late to change them. I don't see how I will ever accept her not being here. I know there were friends and family members that actually thought we were too close, that I did too much. I only wish I had done more to let her know what a special mother and person she was. The pain is too difficult to bear. I pray she can read my thoughts. I love you, mama. Happy Mothers Day!!!

Dear Christine, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I too, recently lost my mother after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. I stupidly thought I was prepared to let her go. Things had gotten so bad for her, she had lost everything and had no quality of life. I was there when she passed and did remarkably well for the first two weeks. I have now fallen apart and so much of what you said about your mom connected with me. We were so close we were like the same person. We use to laugh and say that we were clones. I am not one to cry, especially in public, but am falling apart everyday. I want so much to have one more day to tell her I love her and to ask her to forgive me for all the times I lost patience with her and the situation we were in. I work full time and was the only care giver and things got so overwhelming. We would talk everyday morning and night. Looking back I use to think it was something I was doing for her but now know that I needed that every bit as much as she did. Isn't it funny how things suddenly become crystal clear when it's too late to change anything. Friends and relatives think I was there whenever she needed me and that I actually went above and beyond what most daughters would do. But I am overwhelmed by guilt that I should have and could have done more. As you said if I could just see her again, touch her and hold her. I can't believe this pain will ever go away. Beckym