Just needed to write some thoughts. It's been over two months now and I can't believe how much it hurts. As I stated before my mom died in March after a long illness with Parkinsons. We were so close so much alike. I can't forgive myself for the times I was impatient with her and our situation. She had no quality of life left, everything had to be done for her. I stupidly thought it would be a blessing to just let her go, she would be in a better place and I know she is. But I miss her so much. I want to hold her hand to tell her I'm sorry to ask her to forgive my thoughtlessness. If only I could have one more day with her. I wish I could tell other caregivers who are tired and resent all they have to do that some day when the person they love is no longer there unkind words will haunt them. I use to think, especially on Sundays, "if only I didn't have to go to moms, if I only had a day to myself". Oh God, what I would give to see her every Sunday and every other day. I can't believe things will ever be better. I will never be as close to anyone as I was to mom. She understood me so well. If only I could have one more moment. A friend of mine gave me beautiful poem recently. I don't know who wrote it but would like to share it with you.
If tulips grow in heaven Lord, please pick a bunch for me, place them in my mothers arms and tell her there from me.
Tell her that I miss and love her and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while.
Because remembering is easy, I do it every day, there is an ache within my heart that never goes away.
Thanks for listening
beckym