RoryH

Thanks so much for all your posts whilst I've been away. Mum & I spent the last 2-3 weeks away, and for now at least I think she's feeling a little better - at least more "in control" if that makes any sense. I just wanted to let you all know that things are feeling a little better and thank you for the posts. It was a tough trip, as we went to lots of places we'd gone with Dad last year - but once we'd got the "firsts" out the away we managed to get some comfort from the memories, although they're still a little too raw not to be very painful too. My new job starts tomorrow, on what would have been Dad's birthday - weird how things work out. Strangely I sort of feel it's a good sign, and that he's keeping an eye out for me. Take care everyone.

Thanks Deb. Heading up to Mum tomorrow for 3 weeks - so hopefully that'll help.

Thanks for your reply Michelle. Feeling a bit better about things today, amazing how much writing it down and the understanding of people here helps.

Hi everyone - been a little while since I've been on here, but finding it a tough day. I guess in myself I'm doing OK, but am really struggling supporting Mum. I live a couple of hours away, and find the tears down the phone every day so so difficult. I feel bad for not being able to be there, and bad that I feel I can never tell her how I'm feeling. I start a new job in a couple of weeks (on what weirdly would have been Dad's birthday) and am scared that I'm not going to be able to cope with supporting Mum's emotions when I have so much new stress in my life. She's waiting on seeing a counsellor, but I can't tell her I can't cope with trying to support her grief at the same time as dealing with my own. She says she's not putting pressure on me to spend more time up there, but then implies she'd like me to come sooner when we've arranged when next to meet - which makes me feel guilty/angry/confused and feel bad for trying to get on with my life. I feel so horrible for feeling the way I do, I'm angry at everything for putting me in this situation and myself for feeling the way I do. I'm spending the bulk (bar two days) of the next 3 weeks before I start my new job with Mum - so hope that'll help things - but don't know what I'll do if she's not feeling a little better before I have to start a stressful new job. On top of that I hate that I can't tell Dad about my new job, he'd have driven me crazy wanting to know every detail - god I miss that. Sorry for the somewhat incoherent ramble, but thanks for listening.

Thanks to all who've replied - Niamh, Aquarius & Joseph. Hope you're all doing OK this weekend. I am thankful for the time I had with Dad whilst he was ill. We had plenty of time to talk and I'll always remember those times. I'd do anyhing for another few minutes though. The flip side is some of the sad memories - can't get the thought of Dad's head on my shoulder as he was too weak to stand helping him get back to bed - tears me up.

Two months now since Dad died. Such a tough weekend - Father's Day (for us in the UK), on Father's Day last year we went to watch the Formula One Grand Prix at Silverstone - such a good day. Could never have believed he'd be gone less than a year later. Almost seems to hurt more now than it did earlier, miss him so much.

Hi Niamh - it's only 4 weeks today for me, and can see it being just as raw when I hit the 5 month mark. Possibly even worse, as at least I'm still at stage people don't expect you to be ok - so just to let you know thinking of you today. Take care.

Niamh, A quote that's always stuck with me was the Queen (here in the UK for those elsewhere!) saying "Grief if the price we pay for love" after 9/11. So simple, beautiful & all too true. It's one tough price, but one I wouldn't swap for the time I had with my Dad, although he'd frequently drive me crazy ;-) In the last 5 years I've lost both my grandmothers and my aunt, whose life support my Mum & I had to switch off. Now (as you know Niamh) my Dad has gone too, and I'm also terrified of losing Mum now - all the family I was closest too apart from Mum have gone. All seems so very unfair. One final thing for tonight, about when the doctor came to certify my Dad's death. He was a most amazing Doc, to the point but in the kindest good humoured way, and with so much compassion. When he came into Dad's room, and commented that he looked peaceful (which he did) - but that he "isn't there anymore, is he?" - which he wasn't. Sounds daft, and I'm not particularly religious (indeed right now I struggle with the idea at all) but there is something odd when someone goes - shortly after, and not immediately on death, something changes and the soul seems to go. Probably crazy, but I've seen it too often. I firmly hope one day I'll in someway get to be with those I love who have gone before me. Take care, night.

Thanks Loulou & Niamh for your kind replies, I'm sorry we had to "meet" for such reasons.... and to hear you've both lost your Dad suddenly too. In someways I was fortunate that I had a little warning, in other ways not - there's no good way is there. I was a little better today, although the morning was tough - work was too busy to allow me time to think much, which I find a good thing most of the time. Although work all seems so unimportant, the things people get stressed with at work all seem so minor - I'll have to try and hold onto that one I think, sure I'll be doing the same in good time ;-) Hope you had a better day Niamh, thanks for replying when you were having a tough one. And Loulou, thanks for sharing about your brother - the shock is tough. When I first heard Dad's diagnosis it felt literally like someone had punched me in the stomach, he was 64 and had always been so fit - I'd just assumed before that he'd be there for a good while yet.

My Dad died on 19th April, only 7 weeks after being diagnosed with liver cancer - and 3 weeks tomorrow. It was all so fast, at Christmas everything was normal (and we had a great Christmas), by the time I next visited he was too exhausted to go for lunch, and although then we did not know what was wrong I knew it was something bad, it was so unlike him. Shortly after that a nightmare couple of weeks waiting for CT Scan, which then confirmed the worst. I guess in some ways I was lucky, we had some warning and got to spend time with Dad - I was up every Friday, Saturday & Sunday for the 7 weeks. Seeing him fade was awful though, and nothing you could do - the helplessness was horrific. Thankfully for most of his illness he was not in pain, very nauseous though. His last few days were so tough - Dad was a proud active man, and having to help him to move in bed, or go to the toilet was I think the worst thing for him. His last 48 hours were horrific, and I cannot praise the Marie Curie nurses enough who helped achieve his wish of staying at home. Thankfully he was made comfortable during his last night, and the nurse left at 7.30, with another due at 9.00. Dad slipped away at 8.20, thankfully when we had the house to ourselves as the day before had been bedlam with carers, nurses and doctors. Was almost like he did it on purpose. Since then I've largely been OK, although if one more person tells me "to be strong" I could scream. It's funny, no one of my age (33) has said that to me, maybe it's a generational thing. I felt bad that I hadn't been able to cry properly since Dad died, bar a bit of a sob once the funeral was done. All of a sudden yesterday I got hit, when turning the TV on was something Dad and I used to watch together and we watched whilst he was sick - that seemed to open floodgates and ended up pretty much crying myself to sleep last night. Having felt bad at not being able to cry, it then somehow felt self indulgent. Anyhow, reading through others posts on here helped me a bit - as you wonder if you're "normal" in your reactions and behaviour - so thanks for listening to my venting ;-)