justincase

I am sorry to hear things are not going well:( I think you just need to have trust that bringing up issues that may seem huge to you(and they are!) will only allow your therapist to help you sort everything out. She? is not there just to earn a paycheck. She truly wants to see you get healthy. Don't fear to tread wear it seems so dark if you are doing it in a healthy manner. That is soo often where we find the most light. I am going to post a long post that I hope somehow will allow you to see some graditute in what you are going through. It is about my mom but I hope in some way it may you or others to look at the death of their loved one in a slightly different way. I know that when I can see the gifts, It brings hope and faith back into the picture: I have moved on and changed my perspective on a couple of things in the following post such as 3 makes a family. I now believe 1 and 2 does as well. Any way hope this post from another sight helps in some way. I also grew up in a verbally abusive household.

Good for you for going and getting help!!! The only warning I can give you is to make sure they give you a little less than more. I recently ended up in a situation where I believe the doctor was trying to throw the most at my issues and see what stuck. I truly believe it endangered my life. Good luck to you and please report back with how it all turns out! Steve

Exactly Eight days ago right now I was in the emergency room being monitored due to an attempted "game over" attempt. I spent a number of days in the ICU and another day in a psychiatric unit for obersvation to determine if I should be in an in-patient program. I guess they determined that out patient was enough and I am in the process of working on that. I can not tell you how important it is to keep reaching out for hope to those around you. Looking back I can see myself withdrawing slowly. First from family, then from friends and finally online. I also believe the medication I had been started on sent me in the opposite direction than what it was supposed to do and it did if fast enough that I didn't/couldn't react the proper way by contacting the doctor for a change. I Hope others don't need to go the extreme that I chose to. Now I have a lot of repair to do on a marriage, family relationships and self. All this and still try and deal with my mom's death. However, I can say that I have never felt so thankful to be alive and realize that my mom would have wanted nothing of me than to go on to live a happy healthy life. Sleep restful, live fulfilled, smile lots and be thankful! How? Relationships is the only way I know. Steve

I think dramatic fits better than traumatic. Ever since my mom's death I feel like I have been playing out this overly dramatic role play. I think, feel, say, and do things that are so intense, it seems like some character in a movie or play. I have images of impending doom. I have been paranoid and thinking everyone is turning on me for all of my mistakes of denial, ignorance and apathy that I made during my mom's illness, the bleeding of feelings I done everywhere to everyone without any sense of decorum. I have been overly reacting to issues(and I do think I mean overly reacting) because it seems like more than just overreacting. It seems I have been making an ass of my self as I try to vent anger. I just can't seem to...???....ANYTHING! I must admit that as I write this, that character starts to fade and I begin to feel a bit more "normal" again. Anyone else relate to anything like this? However, I can't sit at a computer all day typing just to keep the "hecklers" at bay. I currently do not have a job. Every morning when my wife leaves the house, I am fine. By noon, I am wound up so tight I can barely function. Very little of my issue is actually about my mom but her death seem to set it off. Almost like separation anxiety or ya know when a baby starts to walk but still needs that thread to be held onto in order to make it across the room? I hadn't realized that at 1800 miles away and 44 years old, I still needed my mom to be hangin' on to that thread. I have had mental/emotional issues in the past but I thought I had dealt with it and was moving on...? Doin' better...for a minute or two. Thanks for the ear. I feel I have been burnin' up ears left and right and just can't get through all of this. Anyone else felt this way? It is enveloping me and at times IT will not go away. I miss my mama!!!

psst... Just that fly sitting nearby.......^ hang in there and I will give you a hand... If you hold your breath and focus on me for a bit............................I you will see that the clouds are clearing......................................*** the world is not spinning...........................................................~~~ The storm is not raging...............................................................' ' the earth is not quaking.............................................................___ Ok, now let go of me and think of your dad... Breathe deeply a few times; but don't worry, i is still here... .. . . . . . . . . .. . .. . . ... . . .. . . . . . . . . .. i can see he is close by and listening... No matter how hard it has been, If you have come this far, i has faith you will get through to him. Good job!!!

Christine, That sounds like a wonderful step forward. A sign of first light? Whether you believe it to be spiritual, psychological or other, it seems like you are on your path of healing. That dream tells a lot about you, your mom and especially the relationship the two of you had. I truly believe that in order to get through the loss of a parent, child, or closely held soul, one must completely surrender each second, minute, hour, day. Feel the grief... We should not try to hide from the sadness, anger, loneliness. However, also accept the smirk, smile or happy tear that may cross your face momentarily. Sometimes those feelings may seem random but I don't believe that way. I have faith that it is some sense; we think is turned off or we even know we have, receiving messages. The way you seem to feel about your mom sure makes me think that she would only be sending you happy, wishing well thoughts? When you take that step and let yourself go; let yourself feel the scary boogie man parts of grief, many times, it really ends up just being a pin prick. Kinda like getting a shot at the doctor. It ends up only hurting for a very short while but the benefits can be life changing and long lasting. Best of all, they are healing kind! Carpe diem - Seize the day! Rest at night. You will have more of those moments with your mom. I wish you well, Mom wishes you well, God wishes you well...

Christine, The simple fact that you spoke up and posted speaks a lot about you. My mom pasted away April 26th of this year at the age of 66. She had Breast cancer that returned in 2007 after 14 years. Do you care to share your mother with me? It might help me with some issues...