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Thank you all so much for your replies. It has helped me tremendously. Last night it was the prayer service and today it is the funeral. It is so painful to see how badly broken my sons are. Yes, I do believe they have a lot of guilt (unreasonable for sure but feelings aren't all that reasonable) because both of them had taken a pretty hard stance with their dad in the last few years and refused to have any contact with him as long as he was drinking. Alcoholism (any addiction really) is a terrible disease which I will never understand. It is obvious that no one would choose that journey deliberately. I have spoken with my husband about my feelings surrounding the death of Lannie and he has been very supportive. I realize that my grief is really all about my children and the young and hopeful young girl I once was. Anyhow, I am just going to go through this as there is no other way but through it. I have accepted that my sons need to push me away right now for some reason and I will just wait patiently for them to come around. That's about all I can do. It took me a while to get to this place for sure but it really helped me to read all of your stories and to not feel so alone. Thanks again. Marilyn

I thank each one of you for your thoughtful replies. There is a lot of pain out there and I feel for each one of you. I apologize for not having the energy to reply to each of you individually. I just want to clarify that I didn't expect to be involved in the funeral arrangements I just expected to be notified as to where and when. The funeral is this coming Tuesday and prayers and viewing are on Monday. My ex sister-in-law and I have remained best friends all these years and she asked me to please be there for her. I appreciate being asked. Lannie was found deceased in his car and the coroner attributed his death to alcoholism. Lannie was 60 years old. I am not a believer of the statement "misery loves company" but it has helped to read the replies and feel understood. Thanks again. Wishing you all peace and sending you all a hug. Marilyn

I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Is it possible for you to talk to your siblings and perhaps set up a schedule of some sort so that you can have some semblance of normalcy in your home? Maybe they need to be gently reminded that it is your home too.

Thanks very much for your post Elizabeth. I must keep reminding myself that everyone deals with grief differently. I think my one son is holding his feelings in so tightly that it makes him seem distant and cold.

My ex-husband died this past Sunday and his passing has become as family splintering as his life was for the past eighteen years. Lannie and I were married for twenty years and had two sons together, who are now married men, with young families of their own. Lannie was a severe alcoholic and was in and out of detox and treatment centers too many times to count, he couldn't hold down a job and, he frequently disappeared for months at a time. Nevertheless, when Lannie was sober he was always welcome at my home for events concerning our sons. My desire was that neither of my sons ever feel a need to choose between which parent would be present at birthdays etc. I have not been a saint, and many times I wished Lannie would die and end the pain and suffering he was causing everyone who cared about him. Since Lannie's death my son's have been very cold towards me and have shut me out completely surrounding funeral arrangements etc. I don't understand it and am very hurt by it. Not only do I ache for the pain my sons are going through, I also have my own feelings surrounding Lannie's death. When I mentioned earlier that Lannie's death was a family splintering as his life was it was splintering because each of us would be at different places at different times. One of us would have pretty much written Lannie off because the pain was too great and the other would be in a position of feeling compassion towards him because he was ill. My son's have had very limited contact with Lannie in the last two years and the son that is being the coldest towards me is the one who basically wrote his father off over a year ago. I don't know what I am asking of anyone really. I guess I just want to talk about how much this is hurting me and on so many levels. I am in the awkward position of being the ex-wife and therefore am not really considered as someone who might have a lot of feelings surrounding Lannie's death. I did remarry six years ago but just prior to that had actually gotten back together with my ex for a brief period of time after he had been sober for a year. I feel it is almost disloyal to my current husband to be grieving for my ex. All I know is that I feel very alone right now.