redwind30

Today is or I guess would be our 13th Wedding Anniversary. My husband has been gone from me a little over one year. Strangely enough I think today is even worse than it was last year. I am so lonley. I miss him so much. After 15 months the pain is still horrible. I don't want to be in this horrible place for the rest of my life, but it just doesn't seem to be getting much better. I had to go shopping earlier today and the woman that was behind me in line just happened to mention that today was her 51 Wedding anniversary. What did I do to deserve only eleven years with my husband. I have never wanted very much in life; just someone to love and be loved by. Guess that is too much to ask for. Thanks for listening.

Sunday was one year that I lost my wonderful husband. Needless to say it was a really bad day. I thought that since it fell on Easter, it might be a little easier, but it wasnt. The pain is so intense. It has been my goal to get through all of the "firsts". Somehow, I thought if I could make it through the first year things would start to get better. But, today has been a very painful day. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home from work. It seems like I have cried all day. I miss him so much, I can't stand it. He had less than one month to battle the lung cancer. He was gone so fast. The past year seems like a blur. I live in Florida, we had no children and my only relatives my brother adn his family are 500 miles away. Does the pain and lonliness EVER go away? I fear I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I am only 51 and this is the 2nd time I have been widowed. I have had so much loss in my life, I have gotten to the point where I don't even HOPE for anything good to happen. Please tell me, how am I ever suppose to get over this?

It has been ten months since I lost my sweet husband. I really think the pain is getting worse. I don't think it will ever end. The lonliness is suffocating...no chldren, family is 500 miles away. Too many years at my job to move; I will lose all of my retirement. Constantly afraid of everything. Afraid I am going to "miss something" important I should be taking care of. Afraid of losing my job. Afraid of losing our little dog. Afraid of what will happen next. I am trying to trust God. trying to belive that He has something good for me; but I have come to expect only the worse. Friends have disappeared. Many of them have lived such a charmed life; never having to deal with the sickness or loss of a loved one. They have no idea how blessed they are. I don't see any point in anything any more. Nothing is enjoyable. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I miss my parents and my husband so much....

You are so right. The lonliness never leaves. No one can understand how bad it is unless they have experienced it first hand.

This is one of those days when I just need to "whine" a little. I am so tired of dealing with EVERYTHING!!! It has only been 8 months since I lost my wonderful husband. I am just tired of dealing with all of it. Having to make all of the decisions; little and big. Working full time, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cooking for ONE which is just about impossible, no one to share good or bad stuff with, no one to help me make decisions, getting gas, taking out the trash, raking the leaves,taking care of the car, paying the bills....it never ends. People keep telling me I need to take some time for myself; but there is no time to take. I worry about everything; constantly doubt myself and my decisions. It takes me forever to make silly little decisions and then I doubt myself. I am driving myself and everyone around me crazy. I especially worry about our little yorkie, always wondering if I am taking good enough care of him. I doubt every decision I make. I am miserable! I miss my husband so much I don't think I can stand it! I don't see any end in sight. People keep saying "aren't you feeling any better" I want to scream... NO I AM NOT BETTER!!!...But I don't, I just try to be polite. Thanks once again for listening.

I was starting to do better, getting out of the house and keeping myself busy. Really haven't gone anywhere to meet any new people, just trying to stay in touch with those that I already know. It would be great to meet some new friends, but I am not sure how to go about doing that at this point. But, the past month has been extremely difficult. Christmas Day was about as bad as it can get. I am trying to stay busy, trying to keep my mind off of myself. But it seems like it is getting harder rather than easier. New Years Day was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I have had a few days off of work, but I am due to go back tomorrow. Maybe that will help. It is good to know that so many of you are making progress...it gives me hope that someday things will also get better for me. As for now, it is still a terrible hurt that just does not seem to go away.

I have found that many days I have to take it "one hour" at a time. A whole day is too much to get through. I feel that I am running out of patience with myself. I need to be progressing quicker than I am. I have experienced so much loss over the years. I am afraid to "hope" that things will ever be any better...sorry to be so gloomy. I guess I am just really tired.

I lost my husband in April and have been through alot of "firsts". My first summer without him, my first birthday without him, our first anniversary without him....and on the list goes. Christmas was a biggie. Didn't think I could survive Christmas day, but here I am. Now as a new year begins I feel like I am once again leaving him behind. I know it sounds strange, but I had him with me in 2010. Now, I will be going into 2011 without him. He will never be a part of my 2011. We won't have one single memory from this new year. Again, I know it sounds strange; but it is just really scary entering a new year without him. I really did not anticipate that this would be such a painful day because New Years was never a big deal for us. We sat on the couch and watched TV; we even slept through it a couple of years. I kind of feel like I have been blindsided by this Holiday.

Bill, I admire you that you are starting to "move on". You have great strength. I lost my husband in April, but don't seem to be making very much progress. Somedays I feel like I am just starting to adjust to the news that he had cancer. I only had three weeks from getting the news to losing him. Everything is still a chore. I go out with friends and try to take care of things around the house, but everything is just so hard. I don't feel joy, just emptiness. I am really trying hard to get better, but don't seem to be moving very fast. Christmas Day was horrible. I don't have any family in town which makes it difficult. I spent Christmas with a neighbor who was kind enough to invite me to dinner. In a way it was almost worse then being alone. Knowing I was spending such a special day with someone who is almost a stranger may me feel even more alone. This is not a satement against this dear lady who was gracious and kind. It is just something coming from within. I did not let her know how I was feeling; as a matter of fact she remarked several times about how well I was doing. That is because she did not see the "melt down" I had before and after dinner. I am only 51, too young to be so sad all of the time.

This has been a terrible weekend. Thursday was the anniversary of losing my mom 6 years ago. My husband always helped me get through that day. This year I had to go it alone. I am so tired of loss. At the age of 51 I have lost both of my parents, two husbands and all of my Aunts and Uncles. The only relative I have left is a brother who is 500 miles away. I feel completely alone. I miss my husband so much it sometimes feels as if the pain is physical. Now, frineds are disappearing. Everyone has their own life. Unless a person has live through this misery they have no idea what it is like. I am a Christian and I am trying so hard to trust God to get me through this...but it is hard to trust. I have no joy in anything anymore. The little things that brought pleasure at one time now leave me numb or sad. Something as simple as seeping in (if I lay in bed after I wake up I start to get really sad), eatting a good meal brings no pleasure anymore. We used to love to read and watch movies (I no longer have the attention span for either) Bottom line is I am so lonely and so empty. I hate going anywhere because all I seem to see is happy people. Terrrible way to be, I should not resent others from being happy. The pain is just so great some days I feel I can't stand it. The only time I get the slightest bit of relief is by coming to the forum or writing in my journal or playing with our little yorkie.

I feel so lost. I feel so alone. Don't want to be alone for the rest of my life as I am only 51, but don't want to be with anyone other than my husbadn. It has been seven months since I lost my wonderful husband. The pain is still here. Had to run errands today. I ended up sitting in the car at Walmart and cried my eyes out. I am so tired of having to deal with the pain. On top of that dealing with everything in the house, the car, the bills, financial decisions,the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, trying to sort through things not to mention working full time...I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Now, I find out that our little yorkie may need surgery. I am terrified that something will happen to him. He is so specail to me and my husband adore him. I am afriad I won't be able to take good enough care of him. Afraid I will "miss something" and he will be hurt as a result of it. Guess that comes from blaming myself for figuring out my husband had cancer. I seem to blame myself for everything, which adds to the exhaustion that I feel. No famiy near by doens't help things either. I wish I could skip ahead to where the pain would not be so bad.

It has been almost seven months since I lost my precious husband. Everything happened so fast. When I lost him it seems that I lost everything; my hopes, my dreams, my future. At the age of 54 I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. The lonliness is unbearable. This has been a horrible weekend and I don't know why. I guess it is the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas season. I don't have any family in town. They can't come here and I am not able to go there. I am so alone. Fear and dread of what will happen next consumes my life. But, mostly I just miss him. I miss him telling me eveything will work out. He always made me feel better. Now, I am completely on my own. I don't know how I will make it through Thursday much less Christmas Day. Today has been terrible. The tears just won't stop. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom?

After losing my husband six months ago the pain does not seem to be letting up. I feel lonely, empty and angry. Angry at everyone. I know no one can change things; but I guess I am angry because they just get to go on with their lives. My closest family is 500 miles away. I call and cry. They tell me how sorry they are and they wish they could do something to help ease the pain. I want to say "try calling me once in a while" or "come see me for a few days". But, I don't dare say anything to alinate anyone. They can basicaly do or say whatever they want and I simply have to deal with it. If I stand up for myslef I will lose what little contact I have with them. They are retired and it is fairly easy for them to get away. I still work full time and only have the weekend off; so me trying to go up there seems pointless. Besides, I have to come back to an empty house which seems to be one of the hardest things to do. Even if I leave for just a few minutes; coming back home is so painful. The lonliness and emptiness never leaves. This is the most horrible pain I have ever experienced. I have been told I need to get involved in something...but what??? I don't have the energy to volunteer and don't feel like I have anything to give at this point. I just wish I felt like somebody cared....just a little.

kayc; I so know what you are saying. I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I am only 51 and the idea of spending the next 20plus years this way is just more than I can handle. I live in Florida and all summer I was afraid we were going to have a hurricane and I would not know wht to do. I grew up here and have never worried about it bfore (even before I got married). It seems that I am afraid of everything now. You say you wish you had someone whose eyes would light up when they see you; funny most of the time I don't think anyone even sees me; much less be happy to see me. I am so glad we have this board to come to. It is nice to know there is someone who can relate to what I am saying. Take Care

I know what you mean about trying to get things done. I don't have a clue how to do anything. I can't afford to keep paying for things to be done around the house. I am finidng that people who have never experienced loss just really don't get it. They seem to think five or six months is more than enough time to get back to normal. I don't know if I will ever be back to normal. I constantly worry about things going wrong with the house and not knowing what to do. That is just one of the many things that scares me now. Before I lost my husband I was seldom afraid of anything. I am completely overwhelmed. As if the grief is not enough, we have to deal with the loss of friends, financial matters and figuring out how to do maintenance around the house. I live in Florida, so I don't have to worry about the snow, but we have hurricanes. Before losing my husband I didn't worry about it too much. But I found myself getting panicked every time the weather forecasters started talking about any type of tropical storm or hurricane this year. I hope the pain will let up just a little bit...for all of us.

Lindakay, You are so right about holding on to the memories, If not for the memories I just don't know what I would do! I really do want to step out of my comfort zone, just not sure where I need to step to. :-) I too have gone through my husband's things. I kept the most precious and favorite items. I donated his clothes to a homeless shelter. He really enjoyed drawing and jewelry making so I donated those items to children's hospital and abuse shelter. He had a great collection of hot wheels some of which were never opened and those I donated to the local Police Dept to give to children that the Police come in contact wtih. I also wear my husband's shirts, just makes me feel very close to him. Again, you are so right; I want to be the high point of someones' day. But, I am not despratae and will move very cautiously if and when that time ever comes. Thanks so much for your response.

Ron, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I know how painful that can be since I lost my sweet mother in Dec 2004. I stll miss her and I do still grieve her loss. I am also sorry for your job loss, it sounds as if you have been dealing with an awful lot of stress. I am having a great deal of difficulty finding social activites, I have always been kind of shy so it is difficult for me to venture into new territory. I believe I could do it, I just can't find anything I want to get involved with at this point. My husband and I were both "homebodies", just being together was enough. I do work full time. Most of the people I work with are busy with their own families. I am finding that most people in their 50's are not widowed and many have not experienced very much loss, which makes it difficult to relate to. This board has been wonderful and very supportive, but as you stated it is important to have contact with "real" people. Again, I am finding it to be very difficult to make those contacts. At this point I know I have got to figure something out so that I am not so isolated. I am trying to come to terms with the facts which involve the loss of my soul-mate and not having family close by. Thanks again for your kind words

It was six months ago today that I lost my precious husband. The hurt never lets up. The loloniness never leaves. The fear and dread of what is to come is always present. No one calls me; I do all of the calling. No one initates an invite; I do all of the initation. I feel that I don't matter to anyone. I think I could drop off of the face of the earth and no one would really care. Thank God for my little dog; he really keeps me going. I keep thinking that I need to "get a life". But, I dont even know how or where to begin. I don't want or need to do alot of things. I just want companionship; I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I want to be important to someone. My friends have families and they don't get what I am going through. My brother is my only family and he is 500 miles away. Even my best friend just doesn't get it. Yesteday my watch broke and it was a watch my husband had given to me. I was heart broken...just one more thing to lose. When I told her, her response was "oh, just go get another watch!" Does anyone else feel like you just don't matter to anyone any more. Am I the only one with these feelings?

I too feel robbed. So many things that we wanted to do together and never got to. Health problems, lack of finances etc stood in the way. We enjoyed being togeter; didn't have to do anything, just wanted to be together. It just isn't fair to lose a spouse at such an early age.

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I am so glad that we have each other on this forum.

It has almost been six months since I lost my husband. The pain seems to be worse today than it was the day that it happened; I didn't think that could be possible, but it sure feels like it. It is another Saturday and I feel so lonely I can't stand it. Try to keep myself busy doing chores around the house, but I feel like "what is the point"? I don't want to go anywhere. I know if I just keep going to work and coming home and doing nothing else my life will never change. Yet, there is no one to do anything with. I am only 51; I don't have any family here, so friends are all I have and they are all involved in their own families. Doing things with kids, grandkids, spouses etc. I hate going places alone; I guess a more accurate statement is I hate leaving home and coming back to an empty house. When I do go out I get sad when I see all of the other couples and families. It breaks my heart when I see a couple holding hands; because he ALWAYS held my hand when we went anywhere. Or, I think about how enjoyable the experience wuold be if he were here with me. He had some health problems that were not related to the cancer during his last year, so we did not get to get out and do very much. So now, the few times that I have been out and done something all I can think about is what we missed out on. Life is so unfair! And, back to my original statement; if I keep staying home I will never have any kind of life; yet it hurts too darn much to go out. So, what am I suppose to do?

I understand what you are saying. I get annoyed at the smallest things now. I have given it some thought and I think it comes down to "lack of control" and feeling powerless. We have lost someone we dearly love and have no power or control to change things. And then other people just go on with their lives as if nothing has happened. Often we are in a positon of having to rely on other people which is another new experiece that we must adjust to. I am trying really hard to keep things in perspective and remind myself that the real reason I am upset is because I no longer have my husband. Life just is not fair, and there is not a darn thing we can do about it. None of us deserve this and again there is nothing that can be done about it. I hope things get better for you soon.

It was a really tough weekend. One of the worse that I have had since I lost my husband 5 months ago. One thing that is really scaring me is that I feel almost like I am going into denial. Isn't that something I should have already worked through. I know everyone goes through the stages of grief differently, but this is kind of scaring me (along with dozens of other things). It is kind of hard to explain; I don't know that is is exactly denial; or more of a fantasy kind of thing. Several times yesterday and today I found myself almost pretending that he was still with me. It doesn't last very long just two or three minutes if that long and then I stop myself. I don't want to start imagining that he is stll here. That might work for some people, but for me it will be a major mistake. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

Mary, Thanks for the words of encouragement. It is good to know that there is hope. It sounds like you are a few months ahead of me on this awful road we are traveling. Maybe, I will get there too.

It has been a little over five months since I lost my husband. I still cry almost every single day. It seems like all I did this past weekend is to cry. But, you know what? It really does make me feel better. During the first two or three months there were several times when I just laid on the floor and cried as hard as I could. It doesn't matter what people think. I am finding that alot of people don't "think" period. Unless someone has lost a spouse they can't possibly understand. Give yourself time to heal. Do what works for you and try not to worry about other people. I know it is much easier said than done, but right now you are the only one who counts.