EllenB

Hi Butterfly, I lost my dad on May 8, 2001 the day before my birthday and I lost my mother on May 18, 2010, 5 days before my daughter's birthday. My dad passed from a massive heart attack which was totally devestating. To this day, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I hope to dream of him because I consider it a visit. I have had dreams with him in it, but not the type of dream that I want. I have read many books about the afterlife and I truly believe that I will see him again and all of my family that has passed. I have a large picture of my father that I see every day and I talk to him out loud. I certainly hope he is listening. My mother just passed and she passed in a different way; we had hospice come to my sister's house and she passed looking straight into my eyes while holding my hand. I was telling her it was ok to go, the pain will stop, you will get to see daddy, we love you etc...It was much more difficult to watch a parent or loved one in pain and coherent. It was very painful and this pain continues as I type. It has not been even been a month and it does not feel right. I can't believe my mother is gone. This will take time as well. There is a difference between my parents deaths. I have not felt my dad's presence around, but I feel my mother's presence pretty much all of the time. It is hard to describe; she was always worried about me (I am 54) and I feel that she won't cross over until my life is running smoothly. That was her. I do believe that I will see my family again and they will be walking and happy without pain and in a better place. We grieve here; the pain of this greif is unbearable but life must go on. It is difficult at times, but time does heal. The hurt is so strong; how do I move ahead? But we go threw the motions and we just do. Time is a healer. We just have to remember to speak of our loved ones so their memory stays alive with our words. Our children need to be told about their grandparents and remember them. Time is a healer, but losing a parent is like losing a chunk of yourself that will never be replaced. Hang in there. Ellen

Hi Kim, I am sorry for the loss of your father. It will take time for you to heal and it will get easier but you will never forget him. I lost my dad in May 2001 also from a heart attack. It was devestating. I was very close with him and I used to talk to him at least 2-3 times a day. He used to sing to me on the phone and he had the worst voice and he knew it, so that's why he did it. The loss of him has had to be the most devestating thing that has happened in my entire life. It feels like a chunk of me has been taken and will never be replaced. I think about him every single day. I have a picture of him that I see every day and I talk to him out loud. I wish I could see him now because I have few things to talk to him about. He passed in May 2001. After death, you have family around and you talk about your loved one, think about memories and laugh, but then you go back to the real world. My first experience was at CVS. I needed a card for one of my daughters and then I turned around and saw cards for Fathers Day. Wow, I will never buy one of those again. Suttle little things like that happen. They hit you in the face. All I can say is that the pain seems unbearable now. Each day it gets a bit better. I know it's hard to imagine, but it does get easier and it does get better. Time is your healer. Your dad is going to live inside of you forever. Your stories about him, the way you act, just the person that you are is part of him. You will say things that were things that he used to say. If you have children, you tell them things about their grandpa. He is around looking upon you; try to feel that. Again, time.....take it one day at a time...it will get easier, I promise. Ellen

Shelly, I have read all of your posts. MartyT had it right on the money. I do understand that your siblings have power of attorney, however, they left this burden in your hands. They have not made any effort to help you, suggest possibilities, or really do anything. Your idea of spreading her ashes under a tree are great, or spreading them on your fathers grave are wonderful as well. Even though they have power of attorney, and they threw that in your face, and you feel you want to do what you want to do because they are too busy to handle the situation, I would take the situation into my own hands. You took care of your mom for all of that time, they didn't. If you don't want to do it the day your dad died, you do it when you want. Are they going to sue you for your mom's ashes? Tell them to go and collect the ashes wherever you spread them and to do what they want with them, you have just waited way too long and needed closure already; you have asked a million times to advise you what to do but they were too pre-occupied with "more important matters". You need to put some closure on this issue and waiting for them is like waiting forever. You know what they can do with their power of attorney..... Do what you think is good for yourself because this is eating you up; obviously it is not having the same affect on your siblings. You need closure, so I suggest to do whatever you feel is the right thing for yourself and your mom. Ellen

Hi! I know what you mean about hearing your Dad's voice. My dad died in May 2001. I don't know when it happened; it must have been months later. My sister called me and said, "call mom's cell phone, I thought I heard a ghost". I called and sure enough, my dad had made the message. It was so wonderful to hear his voice again. I don't know how many times I called the phone to hear him over and over. I can still hear him. Boy, I miss him so much. Ellen

Thank you all for all of your support. I am waiting for things to get easier. I know that time passes quickly, but doesn't seem to be going quickly enough for me right now. I will take things one day at a time and heal. It is difficult but on Monday I go back to work and I will at least have my mind occupied which will be a good thing. Too much time doing nothing is not a great thing. One day a time. Ellen

As each day goes by, I thought that it would get easier, but it is not at this time because it is still too soon. She passed on May 18.I am not working, but I will be on Monday thank goodness; too much time not doing anything is a curse. All I do is think about her and think about my dad. When I think that she is not here anymore, it sort of doesn't make much sense to me. I can't explain it, but it doesn't seem normal or real. I go to reach for the phone, but then remember that she's not there. Tears start at the oddest times. I just can't wrap my head around this idea that she is gone. It is surreal. I guess time? It's not that I haven't been through this before, but this time it feels different; it's my mother. My mother always always told me, "You have only one mother, and no one will ever love you like your mother does". I guess I took that for granted but, damn, she was right. All of you out there that still have parents, make sure that you love them while you still have them because you never know when they will be taken from you. I miss her so much. She was a pain when she was alive; she used to make me crazy, but that was her and I miss that about her. She cared about me and she worried about me. I see her in my head and can't believe she is not around anymore. I need to move on, but it is so hard. I miss her so much. This greif thing stinks and I don't like it and I want it to go away and live in peace but it won't let me. Thoughts fill my head all the time and cause me such pain; no one knows unless they have been there and feel exactly what I am feeling right now. The devestation is horrible and seems like it will be here forever, but I know that it will lessen in time, but right now, at this point in time, it is the worst. Ellen

Thank you loulou. It is rough. There is some type of closure when you are with the person that just passed. It was different from when my father died. I have never felt his presence. I have had a few dreams, but not quite the kind that I would consider a "visit". I already have had dreams of my mother and a profound feeling that she is around me. This is hard to explain, but it feels like she is watching out for me or seeing if I am ok. I have alot of problems in my life at this point and she knew it and I think she is going to be around for awhile. It was explained to me that spirits or souls have no sense of time so if this is so, she will be here a long time. However, I do miss her presence so much, it is unexplainable and I am sure that you it. Thank you for your input. Ellen

Hi, I just joined this forum. I so understand where you are coming from. My mom passed on May 18. It is still fresh and new and it still has not impacted me yet. However, I lost my dad in 2001 and it hurt oh so bad and does to this day but time, only time will make it better. Your mother lives inside of you. Her memory, your stories together, you personality are all parts of her. I know that the need is dire and something that you want to touch, but you can't. You have to close your eyes and remember the times you were together. Do what I do. I have a big picture of my dad; I talk to that picture out loud. There are times that I actually scream at it because I am so angry that he left me. But this is a process and time does heal. I am sure I am not the first to tell you this, but it sure is the truth. Just take it one day at a time. Do you have children? Ellen

Hi, I lost my mother on May 18, 2010. My sister had her in her home with hospice. My mother was 88 years old. We lost my father in 2001 on May 8, 2001. His death was devestating but he did us a favor and died of a heart attack. A day does not go by without a thought about him. When he died, part of my mother died as well. It also took a chunk out of me. In the past 9 years after his death, I have watched my mother's health deteriate slowly; she turned from a very vibrant woman to a very frail, little old lady, with a roaring mouth. The last couple of years, she could not walk and needed 24/7 help and she hated it. She felt that she was not her own, "man" and she needed someone to do everything for her. This was not my mother. Many times she said that she wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Her existance was pretty miserable. Friends stopped visiting, family didn't show up as often as they should have. She was very lonely and all she did was look at the square box, the TV. What an existance. She lived in NYC in Brooklyn. My sister lives in Long Island and she asked my mother many times to move in with her, but my mother's stuborn nature would not allow her to take up my sister's offer. Well, in the past month or so, my mother's body began to shut down. I live in North Carolina and I was in NY 4 weekends in a row. Hospitals today should be ashamed of themselves with the care they give. I was apalled, but I won't get into that. Eventually, we knew that my mother didn't have much time so we brought her to my sister's home and had hospice. I really didn't know much about them, but they are wonderful. They give you a book that tells you everything that is going to happen and this does prepare you somewhat about the stages of what is going to happen to your loved one. My mother was coherent and unfortunally in alot of pain. We cried because we felt that we couldn't take away her pain and her suffering. Even through all of this, she told us how much she loved us, she told us that the reason she was diabetic was because she had 2 such sweet daughters and if she saw either of us crying, she would open her eyes really wide and tell us, "stop it, I don't want to see you cry!" which would only make us cry more. She saw her 5 grandaughters and knew all of them and told them how much she loved them. She saw all of her loved ones and recognized each one even on the day she died. On May 18, we all had a feeling that this was going to be the day; we just felt it. We had given her alot of morphine, but she was awake a good amount of the time. About 11:30PM her breathing was very labored and my sister and I went in the room with her. I held her hand and she grasped mine. Her eyes stared into mine without blinking. Whenever my sister walked out of the room, I called her back, because my mother knew she was not there. I kept telling my mother that it was ok to go, you won't be in pain anymore, we love you so much, and you will get to see daddy and you mother and father. I rubbed her face, kissed her and so did my sister, and then she slipped away and passed. It is now June 6. I still am having trouble coming to grips with this. I used to speak to her at least 4 times a day. My phone doesn't ring anymore. I have already had a dream waking up hysterical crying saying I miss my mother! I don't know what day it is or what time it is. I understand it is going to take time, but it still hasn't set into my brain. It just feels that something just isn't right in my life. She was so worried about me. She always told me, "you only have one mother and no one will love you like your mother". That is so true. I will probably say the same to my kids, 2 daughters 25 and 22, but they will probably act like I did. I think that we look at our parents like they will live forever and that they are our heros. But unfortunately, that is not true and this is the natural part of life and it hurts like nothing else I have experienced. One thing though, I feel like my mother is around me; never felt that with my dad. It is not eerie or anything, but I feel her presence sometimes. I know that she is watching me because I have had some major problems at this time in my life and she was so very concerned. On that note, I will end my story and I would love some words of encouragement or if I can encourage or support someone from my past experience with my dad, I am here with a shoulder to lean on. I am Ellen Thanks for listening.