This past Thursday my grandmother passed away. They found she had stage 4 colon cancer in November 2008. At the start of this year they found her treatments had stopped working and tried some more but they continued to do nothing and her body eventually shut down. She was a bit over a month away from 62. She was always extremely active, and healthy otherwise.
My Grams was everything to me: my parent and teacher, she did everything for me. She cared about me when others didn't, and she was the only person hin the world I could talk to or come to and wouldn't be pushed away from.
Now I am left alone to grieve her passing and figure out how to heal and move on without anyone else's help.
I would like someone to talk to, but no one will comfort me. I can try to talk to my mom or grandpa but they're of no emotional support whatsoever. My friends look and sound distant, but I really know its because they cannot relate to what I'm going through. No one's ever been able to relate to the things that have happened to me before.
I thought I would be ok but now I am as I feared I would get: cold, lonely, and hopeless.
My mom being laid off back in April and having to mess with insurance has left me without the medicines I need to stay feeling physically well, but hopefully that will be resolved soon @_@ But it made this initial period much worse.
Yesterday I went through an overwhelming stage of wanting to break everything and harm myself. It calmed down, and I took the mood stabilizer I used to take (I havent needed it anymore and I won't after awhile, but this is probably the worst thing that could happen to set me off back down a road of anxiety and stress), but that's leaving me so fatigued I had to fight to get around today. And I'm still very angry, but not as bad as I felt yesterday.
Went through a period of seeing psychiatrists and what not over anxiety, wasn't helpful, medicine didn't work, so don't just suggest that.
I'm just so incredibly sad this had to happen. I knew it was coming for awhile, but it just feels so empty.
I have other things plaguing my mind I need to resolve (unrelated) but I can't handle any backlash from my family thinking I'm thinking because of grief and not rationally (this is not true, as I have been needing to resolve these feelings for over a year now) which adds to my frustration.
IS there a way to heal without anyone but God as your outlet? I don't expect to get comfort or attention from anyone else, even if I ask for it (which I have).
So... this is an extremely terrible time. I miss her so much. I wasn't thinking I would be overwhelmed with frustration and pain upon the realization I had no one to depend on anymore.
I hate crying in front of other people, especially bawling. I did not carry on at the funeral, is making a scene the only way to get attention? Because I sure don't get any even if I ask.
