Deb625

It will be 2 years this coming week. I haven't been here in a while as I've been trying to keep busy - which I have effectively done with a new puppy, work-out classes, walking groups and basically getting "out" as much as I can - the line "fake it until you make it" is what I live by. The days leading to the 17 of May though are quickly closing in and the pain and lonliness simply hurt. As we know here, the pain doesn't go away, though I will say, it does get a little easier to bear over time. It is the now, the painful "landmark" dates that hit hard - birthdays, christmas, anniversaries. I sit here thinking what has happened in the last 2 years? I lost the love of my life and my world collapsed, I had to fight Michael's family in court for our home which just settled in my favour May 1st, 2012 (painful process no one should have to endure), honoured the death of a childhood neighbour who died at age 84 shortly after Michael passed, saw my mother through living with cancer for 6 months to her death Feb 9th, 2012 and another friend just died at 64 after 3 days in hospital (cancer again). All hard, all painful. In all, I have to say, nothing in my entire life has yet to compare to the pain of losing Michael - he was 45, I became a widow at 43 and with widowhood my identity, my entire life changed for ever. Good things happened too! My great nephew was born and was named Michael - he is a beautiful child who is now 1, that has my Michael's loving nature, my puppy KIBO who is just 4 1/2 months old, brings a lot of joy and companionship, through my Mother's illness and death, my whole family came closer together, I'm getting in shape, sleeping better... I have said it often... I am not the same person I was before Michael, nor the same person I was with Michael and I still don't know who I am after Michael - I am starting over. All I know, is while I try to fill up the days and hours, I simply miss Michael every day. My friends and family are fatigued of hearing about me being sad, so I don't share, nor do I cry in their presence as often anymore... I have had a loving and supportive group of friends and family for which I am grateful. Every once in a while my grief will come up in conversation and they seem surprised when I say I still cry almost every day. I understand - they haven't had to walk in widow shoes. Death sucks - I saw on a t-shirt and is so true. And to new widows who also did not choose this journey, I don't want to be doom and gloom, it does get easier and there are some days I feel joy and happiness, some where I do not cry and even when I do cry it is not as hard or as long or as painful as it was when Michael first died... Time does heal, slowly. I fully expect that I won't be sad forever, Michael wouldn't want me to. I fully expect to honour Michael's life by laughter and smiles instead of tears - one day. I expect that one day I may even meet a new man - Michael would want that too (that won't be for a while yet - I am far from ready!). I also know that nothing will ever take away the love Michael and I shared - that will never change and he will forever have a large piece of my heart as I know I had his. The only comfort from this journey I have is that we could not grieve if we did not love. I am grateful to have had Michael's love. Grief, I recognixe is a hard and painful journey. It taks a lot out of us emotionally and physically. As such, it is okay to be sad sometimes... Thanks for listening and to all a big hug. Take care, Deb

What a lot of changes you've had, on top of losing your partner, try to be patient with yourself,this healing takes a lot of time and energy and is exhausting. The best advice I could offer is to try to take time to breathe, long deep breaths. As the saying goes "This too shall pass" and having walked this journey for 14 months, we all know this is a journey of many, many small baby steps. You are strong - you will come through... Take care, Deb

What a beautiful quilt and a lovely tribute to your husband. I too took the day off - the day after the 1st year anniversary, knew I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts/grief. I am okay with knowing that sometimes I will be sad, and I make allowances - but always know and believe that this is for "now" and that the next day will be better (and it usually is ...). Take care, Deb

Becky, What I've found on this journey (14 months in) is amazing people, like all of you here and my family and friends. There are people who allow me to speak of Michael in the "present", he would have "like that", would have found "that funny", there are some that think talking about him only brings more pain for me and them and they don't want to feel it and don't "get" that it, they don't get that this is my everyday that I miss him. Then there are others, who don't get it at all and death could easily be equated to breaking a pair of shoes - you just go and buy a new pair - why aren't you over it? It doesn't make people bad, they are people and we are all different. As we know, we all go through this in our own way. Others who haven't experienced grief as intimitly as us, go through this their way - as best they know how. So, I try to just understand, empathise and be grateful for the people who continue to hold me close and let me grieve, the others I still need in my life, but just not in the same way. I know no one has been intentionally cruel, though I have had things said that were cruel - did they say those things because of their own pain and their inability to deal? I don't know. What I do know is I have to work on me and so much of this journey has been just keeping one foot in front of the other. So, I try not to take on "what others should do for me" and just be grateful for the "good" that has happened and the good around me. Take care, Deb

I don't know if the 2nd year is worse - on what type of scale would I measure this on? I've gone through the devastating - can't get out of bed, sobbing until my heart can't sob any more... I truly cried my eyes my eyes out (which can be done,my tears no longer have the integrity they once had and my vision is just blurry = thank God for artifical tears - they work, but not 100%) The reality is that I'm here. My Michael is not. I have to figure out who I am now. When Michael died it took a long time to realize that I deserve to be happy - that HE souldn't want me to be sad forever... Our loved ones are gone, but I believe moving forward that they are there in our "everydaY" helping us move forward and in doing so only want the best for us - health - happpiness -joy. It is still hard, but I'm trying... Yes it all is hard, but through our own happinesss from the love we shared - we hope we gain some peace

Hi PBJB, I don't feel we just don't exist. I believe our body leaves the earth, but our energy continues on not only in memories or lives we affected in the hear and now or even through to a next generaion... We each have and will have changed the world just by having been physically alive... Michael has come to me in dreams, in apparitions, he has changed the TV Channel to his favourite show. Michael has never never told me he is okay or where he is or if he is happy, but he has told me he is there for me and I just pray he is at peace. Take care, Deb

Hi Tammy, I spoke to one of "those" i.e. a person well-meaning, but has "you should be over it" mentality the other day. I was trying to explain, that I am trying, I have kept trying, but the reality is the pain of loss hurts... I attempted to put into words that you "don't understand" that Michael and I were together almost 24/7 outside of 'work', that when I lost him, I lost my identity as his partner, his wife and I lost my best friend, my champion, and all my plans for the future in a "moment". You just don't go out and "get a new man" (someone else once said). Michael has shaped me to who I am and in death to who I will be. I know I'm not "comfortable" in my new skin yet and haven't found out "who" I am now - it is a process and it is hard. I spoke to one widow that said it takes about 5 years before you finally feel "comfortable" in yourself after experiencing the tragedy of the death of a spouse. I get that and maybe it will be less, maybe more - we are all unique in this journey. So what we are left with is to keep trying... There are no wrong ways, no time wasted. We needed to do what we needed to do, feel as we needed to feel, cry as we needed to cry. This is all a part of the tiny steps we have made with each passing day that help us move forward. Michael will always be a part of me and I'll always see, hear and feel him in everything I do - no matter where life takes me... We do get stronger, time does heal and we will be more of who we once were "same/same but different". Take care, Deb

Hi Dave, I'm so sorry for your loss. There isn't a band-aid in the world that will make the devastating pain go away, but know you will come through this. I know I've been blessed with friends and family that have listened and let me "grieve". I know some of them are probably tired - a year in, however, they have understood and continue to empathized. My Michael died at the age of 45 on May 17, 2010, just not right, just not fair. The hardest part has been trying to figure out who "I am" now. The "we" is just "me" and my whole future changed... It really is all about you and how you figure out where you go from here. It hurts. People who have lost a loved one can empathize, but unless they have lost a spouse (or partner) it is difficult for them to understand -that you have lost your "everyday". Take time, let yourself grieve. You have just lost a big peice of yourself. In the first 3 months of losing Michael I was in a fog, it takes a lot of "baby steps",just keeping it together. Try not to take too much to heart of what people tell you that haven't been here... Know they are trying as best they can and that they just hate seeing you hurt - they just want to give you a band-aid and make it all better and unfortunately this is a hurt they can't just "fix". Only time will heal and this is a journey of a lot of "baby steps". Be gentle with yourself, try to eat, drink lots of water, sleep when you can and keep just placing one foot in front of the other - you will come through this and you are not alone...

It has been a difficult time since May 17th, 2010, I honestly don't know how I survived sometimes. I can remember the pain so unbearable, all consuming... What I found through this journey, is that I have survived. I got through the first three months, where I don't know if I ate - I know I didn't sleep. I lost 30lbs (which was needed and haven't come back ...). It was six months before I recognized that I had my first thought about anyone outside of my "grieving" world, when I cared that a friend was going through a rough patch - that I could see there was a world outside of my tears. I remember thinking maybe I'll be okay - one day... That I'm moving forward... I know I am truly blessed with good friends and good family and you all here (the people that let me know my chaotic, grieving world was "normal"). I got through the first year - and it was messy. I really should have bought "stocks" in kleenex, which is a thought I'm sure many of us have... I have always been pretty reasonable and I realized early on the tears would flow and that I wouldn't just "get over this". I realized that what my life "was" would not "be" and that I would have to (not by choice, but reality) re-define myself. Wow. I can say that is still the hard part and I think what most of us struggle with - I was a "we" and now it is just "me" - and how can that be? The person I loved, shared my world with is suddenly just gone? I still struggle. I look at this journey as being a baby when "death" happened, I have since maybe begun to crawl, I'm still not walking... I still shed tears everyday. Death is just so unfair and it is just wrong. It is hard to reconcile that my Michael left this world, left me - we had a whole future planned - My Michael died at the age of 45. I guess I want to say, it has been over a year now since the world as I knew it changed. I know I am not the same person I was when my Michael left. I still don't know who I am and I know I am still working on figuring that out. My reality is that I still cry but not as hard or for as long as I once did, I now can work a full day, and I've even had a couple of day where I felt really good... I'm not "better", nor am I "fixed" - but I'm moving forward, hoping for more really great days... I just had Canada Day long weekend and I was back in the vortex of grief and I hurt and the tears and sobs flowed -I recognize, that I just needed to cry and with each passing tearful day I just held the hope that tomorrow would be a better day... Today was better and after a year I can reflect that the "space" between melt-downs is greater. My Michael will always have my heart, he will always be such a large part of who I am and he in life and death will shape who I will become (I just hope and pray I do him proud). I know my Michael would not want me to be sad forever... This truly is a journey of many, many baby steps and we just have to keep one foot in front of the other. I know I will come through through this. One day I might even recognize and rejoice in who I "am"...

The reality is you need to do what you need to do. When the "right" time comes to sell his Harley or there is someone special that should have it - it will simply be the right. If it sits in the garage for 5 or 10 years and when you look it and get a sense of love you shared, well than that is good too... I'm sure their "intentions" are good in their own way and they don't mean to cause you further pain. You will never make everyone happy, a sad, simple fact with death.

Please know you are not alone in your despair many felt the same as you do, and grieving is what we do here. You have suffered a traumatic loss and that is so devastating. You've probably learned, a heart can actually feel pain when it has been broken (I had never felt such pain until I lost my Michael May 16th 2010). I don't feel there is a loss that compares to losing a spouse as when they are taken away in an instant we loose our best friend,our lover, our roommate and our closest family member - we lose our other half. This is not something you will "get over", it is something you will slowly get through. Try to take time, take support from anywhere you can, tell us about your husband, and don't be afraid to post here anytime... We do understand what you are going through and will help anyway we can. Try to be gentle with yourself, try to eat, sleep when you can, drink lots of water. I'm so truly sorry for your loss. Take care, Deb

Hi Deborah, I'll be a year into this journey in less than a week, I don't believe that a year has almost passed as the pain in my heart says it was just yesterday... I have progressed where I can function in the everyday world, I am starting to try to get my new self together, everything is still so hard, and I just simply miss my Michael... I still cry everyday, but not as long or as hard as I did over the first 6 months... A friend said the other day, it will all be alright and I just sobbed "No it isn't alright - it hasn't been since Michael died and it won't be alright for a long time". I know I am "surviving" and it will be much longer before I figure out who I am. Loss of a spouse fundamentally changes us, we are not the same person we were when we met our loves, we are not the same person we were when we were with our love - because they are not here with us. I know I'm just plodding along trying to figure out who I am now. A widow told me the other day, it took about 5 years before she felt comfortable in her own "skin", I really hope it isn't that long - I hope to one day smile and be grateful for the time I shared with Michael, instead of crying. I just don't seem to have a lot of control here except to continue getting through each day by simply placinge one foot in front of the other and always hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I know my Michael wouldn't want me to be sad forever... Take care, Deb

Happy Birthday Anne, I hope you carved a little "me" time to celebrate your day with at least an attempt to try to pamper yourself a little (beyond the ice packs)! Take care, Deb

Dear Country Sunshine, I do believe what many have said about grief and making large decisions, that you should wait at least 6 months to a year to make any major decisions. I also remember on a "stress" scale I once read - losing a loved one, buying a home, getting married, getting a divorce - all scored 25 - the highest score... The reality is, you have to be able to live where you are financially and physically and only you know what you can do, want to do and what you (may or may not) have to do. I personally feel a person we loved is as much in the walls of where we lived, as in the little "things", the painting you bought together, the pictures... I know the largest part of my love will always be in my heart, soul, my senses and my memories. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time - the right decisions will come when the they feel right. Take care, Deb

I'm so sorry for the your loss of your wife, what a powerful love you had. I'm also sorry you have joined this group that no one wants to be a member of, but are so glad you found us. I lost My Michael almost 11 months ago and looking back at my own journey, I know I don't even remember the first 3 months, the pain was unbearable and I lived in shock and in a fog of "this can't have really happened", I remember little of the first 6 months - I know I should have bought stocks in Kleenex... As I head towards my first year without Michael at my side, I still cry everyday - however, the days where I physically collapse in grief and cry my heart out in deep wrenching sobs have subsided. I feel when Michael died, I was a baby, helpless and only surviving with the support of family, friends and this group ... I'm now learning to crawl. It is a long journey, one you didn't choose to be on, it has no map and all you can do is take it one day at a time and if needed, one breath at a time, by keeping one foot in front of the other... Be gentle with yourself, drink lots of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can - the loss of your life partner, your soul-mate is something you will get through (not over), there is no time-line, it is just something you will come through by keeping one foot in front of the other. Feel free to tell us about the good times you and your wife had and tell us when you're sad, we're here to listen and we understand. Take care, Deb