WendyB

I didn't cancel my husbands account but I did have it memorialized (I think its spelled right). I can still post on it and all that and I do when ever I need to. I personally don't care what other people think anymore. You got to do whats best for you!

I feel the same way. I hope it does let up some for all of us. *Big Hugs* Wendy

I know exactly what you are talking about. Its just me and the kids. I live in constant fear that something is going to happen that I can't deal with. My fridge stopped working about 2 months ago, 1 month after Larry died. I cried like a baby. I know it wasn't all that big of a deal but you would have thought it was the way I cried. Everytime the car makes some new or different sound I panic. He might not have been able to fix the car anymore, but he knew what the problem was and made sure we didn't get screwed by the mechanic. Now I am just one of those people that goes in and says "It's making weird noises." I am so stressed out over my job too. If something had happened before with my job it really wouldn't have been a big deal. Now it would be another end of the world problem.

Marion, If you find comfort from this site then I would stay and know you are not alone. I don't see any age restrictions. We are all here for the same sad reason. We lost someone we loved dearly. *hugs* Wendy

Its been 8 weeks today, Been crying all day long. Cried all day yesterday. I keep rethinking everything. I guess I've got the "what ifs" What if we would have waited and given things a chance instead of putting the heart pump in? What if we would have waited and given him a chance to recover longer before doing a heart transplant. I can't believe this. Any of it.

This has been one heck of an emotional day. We went to pick up Larrys ashes, got back into the car and turned it on. The radio was on and the first song, from the start is Johnny Mathis and the song is Smile. It was so unexpected and got to both of us, neither one of us wanted to mention it, but at the end of the song I turned to Bill (Larrys "adpoted" big brother and best friend and asked him if he was paying attention to the song. He had tears in his eyes-I was crying. It was just so...I don't know what to call it. Im sure everyone has had something like this happen. I just needed to share. Wendy

Today sucks, tomorrow will suck even more. 3 weeks ago today at 1pm I was giving him a kiss and telling him everything would be okay. I should never have let them do it. I miss him so much it hurts. I want my Larry back. We can go up tomorrow to pick up his ashes. I can't believe it, it seems so unreal. I want to go for a ride with him and go out to eat with him damn it. You know what drives me crazy thinking about, he kept asking for a grape slushy or unsweet tea from mcdonalds but he couldn't have it because he was still on the ventilator. If I knew that was going to be the last time he'd ever be able to have those things I would have done ANYTHING to make sure he had what ever he wanted. I know that he knew something was going to happen. He wouldn't sleep unless they gave him something for pain and then he would wake up within an hour. He was terrified to sleep, he said he couldn't hear himself breathing, but that was the heart pump. He was afraid to die because he didn't want to see his dad again. His dad was very abusive when Larry was a little boy made the kids steal and stuff a parent should never do. I PROMISED Larry he would not be going to the same place his dad was, he would go some place much better. I think im going to go throw myself in bed and cry until I cant cry anymore. Im sorry for ranting but thanks for letting me. Wendy

I know exactly what you meen Abby, as you know tomorrow will be 3 weeks for me too. I'm with you. *hugs* Wendy

I have been an Organ Donor for about 15 years. Thats how long we have known Larry would need a Heart Transplant. It made me see the need for Donors.

"I Only Wanted You" Author Unknown They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you you never would have died. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.

My husband died June 7 after a heart transplant. He was the love of my life and my best friend. He was 51 years old. We were married for 21 years in February. I keep thinking that if we wouldn't have done the transplant he would still be here. I know in my head that he was weak and this was the last resort, but my heart says what if? What if we would have waited? What if...? I guess this is normal thinking but I feel so guilty and angry and alone. One minute i'm crying, the next I just want to break something. June 7 at 3:20am they woke us up and told us they found a donor heart. I held Larry's hand the rest of the morning and most of the day, now I even feel guilty for leaving to eat lunch. June 7 at 12:00 pm I was holding his hand and telling him everything would be okay and he was writing what we would do when he got out of the hospital. At 1:00 I told him I loved him and would see him later then they gave him a shot and put him under. By 11:00 that night they were telling us he wasnt' doing good and we could see him a few minutes. By 11:05 they came and told us he didn't make it. I feel like my world ended right then and there. I miss him so much! We did absolutey everything together.