Thank you all for your replies that were so needed and welcomed.. Today was my day of crying in the shower, and telling myself just get through this minute, this hour, and it will be alright. FOr me, the why did this happen is not a key question. I know she will have no more pain, no more cold and no more emotional pain. The question for me is "How long will the debilitating, isolating part last and I know there is no answer until farther down the road. I have been the one to look after her in her depressive and bi-polar times and now I find myself saying " Now what to do I do?"
The answer always comes back.. Live... Live your life with the same adeventurous spirit she had.. but I am not ready to face that anytime soon.
I make pilgrimages over to her house and find peace in each room. Its stuff, her stuff but its become sacred now. I had my realatives aunts and uncles who were staying there and they ransacked the place looking for what they could find and packed up their cars without asking any of us kids they came, they took, they left with not a word since. Not a I was thinking of you.. Nothing.. I have become a leper that no one seems to want to be around. That's fine. I spent one morning going through my mother's clothes that they had packed in garbage bags and stacked in the living room.. pulled off all the pictures from the walls and when I saw that it was like they had ripped my mother from my already broken heart again. The sacredness of the house I lived in with her was gone. I did her room I felt it was my duty as her daughter and I had to do it. I am sure they thought they were helping but they did'nt think. I am the most angry about that. I will in time maybe ask them why they did it? I don't think I want to even hear the answer right now. I don't want some answer like " we thought we would help with the more difficult tasks" Difficult.. whats difficult is the LACk of respect for the things my mother treasured and you just treated with as much respect as if you had punched me in the face.
I need to go for a walk.. thank your listening and god bless.