I lost my husband in September 2005 after 35 years of marriage. It was quite sudden - he was only in hospital 5 days, and had never taken a day off sick before. At first I think I must have coped on autopilot - it didn't sink in. But 6 weeks later the reaction suddenly hit me and I started to tremble uncontrollably for hours at a time. The doctor gave me medicines which calmed the trembling, but made me so nauseous I didn't want to eat anything. So after 3 weeks I was very weak, and we tried a different medicine. This seemed better and I began to feel more energy and appetite. But after 4 months I was still taking it and feeling more and more volatile - up when the pills were working, and deeply miserable and exhausted when the dose wore off. The medicine gave me a false energy which made me feel I could do far more than turned out to be wise, and eventually I collapsed exhausted again for 10 days. Now the doctor has told me to stop taking it and I'm feeling calmer and less volatile, but still very stressed. Although I'm basically healthy, every day seems to be governed by a fear of each new symptom. It's been such a roller coaster these last 6 months. At the moment I'm waking up at 4 am every night - I suppose that's part of withdrawing from a sedative - and worrying about my own health. And I know fear makes my symptoms worse when I dwell on them. I'm tired out, and so is my wonderful son who's being helping me cope.
