Momof4

My Mom past away December 26th at about 5:45 a.m lastI new she would hold off until the day after Christmas! I take myself back to that Christmas, what Christmas I tell myself, but it was that Christmas! We found out 4 days before Christmas that there was no more they could do for mom. Her body was shutting down and Mom was still able to tell us she was ready to give up! I thought it was the hardest day of my life but by far the hardest days came after she was gone. I remember not wanting to leave her side but at the same time I had 4 young children at home waiting to open gifts with their Mom their!!! That was by far the worst Christmas of my life. In Kansas we had a terrible blizzard around Christmas, I think around 11 inches snow! I picture myself placing the sponge in Moms mouth and placing lip balm on her lips. I remember that Christmas evening as I hugged her as she was in her medicated coma. I held her hand for over a hour that early evening. My husband waiting with me knowing I was going to leave to do Christmas with my kids. I kissed her forhead told her Merry Christmas, told her I loved her, and told her it was okay to go on to heaven for Christmas! I never made it back! This Christmas I've decided to adopt so elderly at our local nursing home. My Mom was a huge giver and this is my way to make a memory good for my kids in memory of my Mom! I know its going to be hard this year as I've stopped in my tracks and sat and cried several time.......Kohls was her favorite store and I went in there a couple weeks ago and stood and cried! Christmas music is playing now and I heard "Silver Bells" for the 1st time and my body just melts! How can Mom really be gone! I know I have another 26 days and I'm sure I'll make it through it! Each day will be a journey as they always say the 1st year is the worst! Mom was amazing and now I sit back and wonder how excited she must be to get to celebrate her 1st Christmas in heaven this year as she missed it by hours last year!!! Merry Christmas everyone and may God help you get through this holiday season!!!

I know I have 5 months until Christmas but its so hard for me to imagine enjoying the holidays when all I can think about was watching my Mom lay in a hospital bed watching each breath wondering when it would be he last breath. Wondering why God was taking her at Christmas time. How could this happen to me. I know there isn't a time a year that would be easy to lose a loved one, but CHRISTMAS!!! Can't God make exceptions? Couldn't he just not take anyone around the celebration of his son's birthday. I may sound selfish, but I just don't understand. I have a relationship with God. I love him so dearly! I pray about this so much. Just understanding. I know there are things in my life that just are not meant for me to understand. I just want the hurt to go away. I have 4 children. I want this Christmas to be sooooooo special. I don't want them to remember Christmas as a time that their Grandma died and Mommy is sad. I am trying to prepare myself. I loved Christmas. Mom made Christmas soooo special. I can't remember a bad Christmas. Until this one of coarse!!! I know one thing we are doing as a family is adopting a family for Christmas and buying their gifts in honor of my Mom. She came from a very poor family and told us the story a 1,000 times of how the only gift she got one year was a doll from the Salvation Army. We did a memorial fund with her funeral and we would like to help a couple families with their Christmas. It's 7 months today that Mom past away. I still hurt, some days are better than others. It still doesn't seem possible that she could be gone! What I would do to hear her sing, smile, tease me a lil. Mom couldn't sing but she loved to do it!!! I remember sitting on her bed side at Christmas time, and telling her I would give anything in the world to walk into her house, like I did so many years and hear her sing Silver Bells one of her favorite Christmas songs. Thats going to be one song that will kill me this Christmas. I'm hoping Christmas goes better then I think it will!!! I know its 5 months away, but knowing this holiday will be coming before we know it just hurts me so bad and I'm not sure how to get through it!!!

I'm sorry about your loss! I loss my Mom December 26, 2009!!! Worst Christmas of my life! I'm sure you felt the same way with losing your Mom shortly before Christmas! Today is my Moms 7months. I can't believe its been that long already! I feel we both must have had great relationships with our Moms. My mom was my best friend. I feel so lost without her. Every time something comes up I want to call her and ask her questions. I'm 33 but still feel as if I'm to young and I still need her! My little brother who is 26 just found out they were having a baby. It was so hard to hold him as he cried with the sonogram pictures saying he wished he had his mom to run to and show her his first baby! There are so many things where we feel like we need her!! I still do cry alot. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I always wonder if other people loved their mothers like I did mine. Somedays are easier than others and in time somethings you can make it through without crying. It took up until the last month to hear Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood without crying. Also, the song This Ain't Nothing, when he says as i held the hand of my loving wife of 50 years fighting for her life as her heart of gold stopped pumping.....reminded me so much of my dad and the 43 years they were married. I can hear that song without crying exception to July 8th their wedding anniversary day I cried my eyes out! Days come and go, some days are worse than others. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Before I came to this sight for the first time i thougt I was sooooo alone. That there wasn't anyone out there like me. But, I'm just like everyone else! I hurt, I don't understand, and I pray God helps take the pain away!!!

Tomorrow is another one of those bumps in the road! July 8, is my parents wedding anniversary! It would have been 44th! She and dad were very young when they married but that didn't by any means effect the love they had for each other. What that did was set an amazing example for my husband and I! My husband and I were high school sweet hearts. Been married 12 years this past June and been together 17 years! I think the hard part with tomorrow is trying to get my dad through the day! His 1st anniversary in 44 years without the love of his life! I pray the Good Lord helps him through this very important day, and as I know the tears will fall for him this day I bought him a Happy Anniversary card and made sure to write in it how his and moms love affected me. How wonderful the two of them are! And not only how it has impacted my life but my husbands life. Before marrying me my husband could never remember his dad telling his mom he loved her. He couldn't remember his dad telling him that he loved him. His mom never really did either! My parents taught us to be proud of it! Now that we have kids we see the love the kids have for my husbands parents! They never leave without giving Grandma and Grandad hugs,kisses, and each one of my 4 kids say I love you! Its nice to hear them say I love you too!!! This past year after my Mom passing my Mother in law told me the most beautiful thing she will remember about my Mom is the love she expressed to me and I share with my kids so that now she gets to share too through my children! She said nothing feels better than hearing the words I Love you! And that was something I heard my parents say everyday! Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!!!

There have been many days I'm sooooo angry! Not that I would ever want anyone to lose a parent, but I'm angry because others still have their Mom! I have a friend who won't talk to her Mom because of some lil outting she had with her Mom! OMG........I must say I told her in a polite way, don't hold that grudge you just never no when her last day may be.....she still won't speak to her mom. I dealt with terrible anger on Mothers Day. I am a mother and my 4 children are amazing but I didn't want them to celebrate the day. I don't want them to feel the hurt I had to feel that day because of a holiday! They still made me breakfast and brought in their cards and I still smiled knowing they love me as much as I loved my Mom! I was very angry when my daughter got the flu and I wanted to call her to ask her a question on what to do. But instead I cried because I discovered I would never get to call her again. I got angry when the telephone rang and I said its Mom and my husband asked mine or yours......I WISH IT WERE MINE!!!! He felt bad, but I was still angry! I thought of my Mom this past Sunday when my son had a firecracker parachute blow up in his eye and we had him in the ER. The last time I was in in the ER was in December with my Mom! I almost go sick going into the ER. I'm angery with God for taking my Mom at Christmas Time. Not that any day would be easy but I spent Christmas in a hospital room praying God not to take her! I'm sure dealing with anger is the hardest part of coping with the death of a loved one. I've lost several people in my life but by far losing my Mom has been the worst experience in my life!

You know trying to understand death is sooooo hard!!! As i was growing up the only close person I ever lost was my favorite Grandma when I was 8! In the last 15 years of my 33 years I've lost a Grandpa from cancer, Grandma from intestinal disease, Aunt from cancer, Aunt stroke, cousin(31) from brain tumor, 3 friends from high school, one suicide, one eatting disorder, one muscular dis., my lil nephew December 6th, 2008 age 3 from Vulvules rare stomach disorder we never even new about, and then my Mom this December. My favorite uncle has been fighting lung cancer since October! I remember my Mom telling me I never thought I would out live your uncle Sam. She didn't, and I miss her soooo much! I'm so scared the good Lord is trying to tell us something. I've been so angery and I need to let go of these feelings. I know its not Gods fault my Mother had died or any of these other people that meant so much to me. But man how do I let the anger go? Thats my focus in my healing process! I want that relationship with God back and I know I need to open my heart back up to him so I can begin healing! Its so easy to shut your heart up and not let anyone in because you're affraid of getting hurt again! I miss so many of these people and I would have never of guessed in a MILLION years that losing my Mom would hurt this bad!!! I crave her gentle touch the way she rub my arm and tell me she loved me. I would love to be 5 years old again and sneek into her room to tell her I had a bad dream just so she would lift the blankets up and let me crawl in besider her! Its amazing the lil things you miss!!! She was a very beautiful woman and I hope I am half the mom she was to me!!

I've sat here and read many of you talk about your hurt. I've cried through everyone of your stories. I'M NOT ALONE!!! My grieving process has been a hard one. My Mom had a stroke on December 12th! She had been ill off and on for 10 years. She had a liver transplant on April 19th, 1999. I've tried to prepare myself knowing this day would come. To be honest I guess there is no way of preparing yourself for something you feel God has in his hands. I guess I felt he would just fix her problem like he did so many times. I prayed more than a dozen times for a miracle and I seen at least 2 miracles that were out of the doctors hands be done on my Mom. I guess when she had this stroke I thought it was going to be the same way. God wouldn't take her at Christmas time. Christmas is the one time of year my Mom made amazing. She raised us to believe in Jesus Christ, she had a relationship with God and there was know way God would give us a bad memory of Christmas! On December 20th, we were told her body was shutting down. Mom was able to communicate with us and she made the choice to give up. I remember sitting in her room alone as she held my hand and told me baby, I'm tired of fighting. I cried and told her not to leave me. Life is not the same without a mother. She was worried about Dad and asked me to help Dad get through this. I've always been the child who helps everyone out and thinks of others before myself. My mother was the same way! That was the last day I spoke to my Mom. She was put into a medicated coma, which I felt was terrible. I couldn't understand how they could just have her quit all her meds and start her on high does of morphine. How can that be okay? There were several times I would put the wet sponge on her lips and tongue and she would suck on it. I don't know if it were reflex or if she still new I was there but I tried. Her legs were so swollen which I guess was one of the signs everything was shutting down. I sat for hours rubbing her legs and I would hear her moan every once in awhile if I would stop. I think I was making her feel better. I come from a family of 6 kids. We all took our turns in caring for Mom. I had spent 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in the hospital. I new it was Christmas Eve night and that I needed to be at home for awhile with my own 4 children. They needed me there as I had no interest in being there because I wanted every last minute with my Mom! It was a blizzard in Kansas this past Christmas. I made it to my inlaws about 20 mins from the hospital. I had a GREAT evening with my kids as I watched them open their gifts. They layed out Cookies for Santa and I got to lay out their Santa Christmas gifts before going to sleep. I got a call at 4:00a.m. asking me to come back to the hospital. I missed Christmas morning with my kids. I wasn't there to see them hold up their new swim suits and the letter that said we were going to Great Wolf Lodge. The water park hotel they had been wanting to go to so bad, and we saved to take them. Bad part was we had already paid for it and we were to leave Christmas night to stay there. I was at the hospital all day long. My husband and kids picked me up at 4:00 to head to Kansas City. I left the hospital with guilt but everyone insisted thats where Momma would want me to be. Before leaving I kissed my Moms forehead, I hugged her knowing in my heart there was a chance I wouldn't get to see her again. I prayed so hard God would keep her around until I got back the next afternoon. I wanted to be there. To hold her hand when Jesus took her away. I didn't make it! I got a text on my phone from my sister at 5:00am that Mom had went to be with Jesus! My children all woke and we all laid in bed and held each other knowing that she was not hurting no more. I did go ahead and the the kids swim and play in the water park most of the morning. I even got in with them and did some water slides knowing once we got home everything was going to be focused on funeral plans and taking care of Dad. You know I try to tell myself that things are getting better. My birthday in January was terrible not getting that phone call, Easter she always made so very specail, It took me 4 months to beable to walk into Kohls which was her favorite place to shop, April 19th I went and placed flowers on her grave site to remember the 10 extra years God gave me with her......Mothers Day was terrible as it was my 1st without a Mom. June 13th was my wedding anniversary and her birthday! It doesn't get easier. There are days I just wonder how I can go on. Days I want to scream at the world and tell everyone I want her back! Days when I'm angry because people alot older than me still have their Mom. I'm only 33, I still need her!!! I'm trying to prepare my self for the harder holidays that will be coming up. Thanksgiving and then Christmas! Mom made the holidays sooooo special and as bad as I will hurt I want to make sure my children don't see me hurt! I don't want them to think of Christmas as a time when Mommy gets sad because Grandma Judy died! I have along way to go, but reading others stories, it comforting to know I'M NOT ALONE!!!