jjaz

Michelle - I am so sorry that you are having to deal with your husbands death, and isolation from his family. It is stressful for a family to go through the death of a loved one, especially when it is self-induced. My husband Bob passed away last December. I have been struggling - emotionally and financially since that time. We have 2 daughters, 19 and 22, and they have been very supportive. He had 2 sons from a previous marriage, and they have just gone back to their lives. The only contact has been initiated by me. As a matter of fact, I recently found out the oldest (36 years old) deleted my phone number from his cell phone. I sent him a text, and he sent a text back asking who was texting him. Unbelievable, considering I have been in his life since he was 11 years old. I also just found out that the younger son is moving his family to Tucson. He didn't tell me - I heard about it from my Mother-in-law. I guess now that their Dad is gone they have no use for me or their step sisters. Bob's family never really believed how bad he was until it was too late. I still talk to his Mom, but everyone else has run back to their own lives. It is amazing how you think your part of a family for over 22 years only to find out that you really are not. It hurts, and lately I find myself crying and wondering what I did wrong. Even though it has been almost 7 months since he died, I feel like my grief is just starting to come out. When he first died I was angry. Angry that he did this to himself, and had done nothing to protect me or his daughters financially. Now I am having to look for a new place to live. I cannot afford our home anymore and I am scared and don't know where I will go. He also left me with huge credit card debt, which he used to fund his addiction. I thought I could bankrupt - I cannot. Although I don't have a lot of assets, I would have to liquidate my daughters college fund and give what little I have in insurance money to the court. His parents are very well off, and of course, have not even offered to help me (yes, they are aware of my situation). The whole thing just sickens me. My family is helping, but they are limited as to what they can do. I have found myself crying alot over the last week. I feel bad that I was so angry with him at the end. He knew I was upset. I wish now that I would have put that aside, and just held him in my arms. I loved him, I know he knew that, but I'm sure I hurt him by being angry. I was so hell bent in letting him know how mad I was that he didn't listen to me, his daughters, the doctors.....everyone. I'm sorry for rambling on..........just having a lot of regrets on how I handled things. I truly miss him! Thanks for listening

I had a very vivid dream of my husband a couple months ago. I had hoped and prayed that he would come see me in a dream. He came to me looking like he did 10 years ago, dressed in his business clothes and looking very healthy. He was not in pain and was not suffering from his alcoholism or liver disease. He reached his hand out and said "you know what I want", I started to get angry. I thought you came all the way back to try to take me to bed? He then took my hand and said "let's go for a walk". That is when I woke up. It took me a few minutes to wrap my mind around my dream. I started to cry, and continued to do so on and off all day. Before he became really sick, we use to go for walks in the morning. That was our alone time, and time to talk. I know that was his way of letting me know he was ok and out of pain. I really miss taking walks with him! jjaz

Chris - I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died this past December, three days after Christmas. He had been in a hospice facility just over a week and passed away early in the morning. You mentioned that you wished that you had stayed with him 15 minutes longer - that he died after you left the room. I hope you can take solice in what I was told by one of my husbands hospice nurses. She told me that most of the time, our loved ones do not want to pass while we are in the room. They want to save us the grief of watching "it" happen. She gave me an example of an elderly couple who had been married 60+ years. The wife had a series of strokes and was brought into the facility. She was not expected to make it through the night, but she did. Her devoted husband sat by her bedside for several days when a family friend came by to see them. He told the husband to go home and take a shower, and that he would stay with her and call if anything happened. The husband begrudgingly left the facility. He got in his car and before he left the parking lot she passed away. The nurse told me that the wife was waiting for him to leave so that she could pass. With my husband I had gone back and forth between home and hospice several times a day. I had a daughter at home, and she could no longer bring herself to see him. My husbands sons, and his brother had also been spending a lot of time with him. The night/morning that he died, I had gone down to see him at 12:30 in the morning. The night nurse sent me home and told me to get some sleep, and that he would call if anything changed. He called me at 5am and said that his breathing was getting irregular and that I might want to come to see him, but there was no hurry. I decided to run through the shower quick, as I had not had a chance to for a couple days. By the time I got there at 5:40am, he was gone. I know that my husband wanted to pass away quietly, that is why he went when he did. He knew that I and the other family members would not be there early in the morning. I hope this helps you, and does not make you more upset. I know it helped me when the nurse told me the story. ((((hugs)))), jjaz

First and foremost, my condolences go out to everyone that has lost their 'Love'. My husband Bob passed away this last December from alcoholic liver disease and Hep C. We had been married for over 22 years. The last several years our marriage had been torn apart by his alcolohism and prescription drug abuse. He had always been a heavy, but controlled drinker (if there is such a thing). About 8 years ago he found out he had Hep C and also had some major business problems, and turned to the bottle. He did go to rehab about 2 years ago, but he never stayed sober. What hurt me so horribly was watching him kill himself. I did everything that I could to try to get him back into rehab. The beginning of October 2009 he took a bad fall and split his knee open - it required 35 stitches. This was the beginning of the end. By the end of October he was under the care of Hospice of the Valley (HOV). By mid November he was too weak to stand or walk and was relegated to stay in bed. I had to feed him, change him, clean him....everything. It was so awful watching his body and mind shrink away. I was so guilt ridden by the feelings of anger that I was having toward him. I knew that his death was self induced and it was too late for him to do anything about it. To add insult to injury, I lost my job. I was on intermittant FMLA and they 'eliminated' my job. I never had the heart to tell him, he would have worried too much about it. In the end, it ended up being a blessing in disguise because he needed me at home. There was no way I could have worked AND taken care of him. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am happy that he is out of pain, and no longer has to struggle with the demons of drugs and alcohol. I also miss him horribly and long to hear his voice and feel his touch. On the other hand, I am still angry that he did this to himself. His disease not only took his life, but has left me and our daughters devastated financially. I will be having to deal with the aftermath of his disease for a long long time. Thank you for listening - I'm sure all of you have had to deal with this horrible disease, and my heart goes out to you. jjaz

Hi Everyone - My husband Bob passed away the end of December, and I also still wear my wedding rings. Although the last couple years of our marriage were rocky due to his alcoholism, I still loved him very much and was determined to stick with him until the end. I realized the other day that when I talk about him, I play with my rings. Guess it is my way of acknowledging him, and letting him know that I still love him. About two months after he passed, I went to visit with his family and celebrate his Mother's 90th birthday. While there, one of my brother-in-laws asked me if I thought I would ever re-marry. I was quite taken back by his question. My response to him was that I needed to get to know myself again before I could ever think about it. I am in my 40's, but the idea of dating someone scares me to death. Several months before Bob died, our oldest daughter was married. One day when we were sitting and talking about her wedding, he told me that it was Ok for me to marry again. He said that he did not want me to be alone, and made me promise him that I would consider it. The whole conversation surprised me at the time. Although he was very ill, this was before he was under the care of hospice. Like some of the others have mentioned, I guess each of us will know when it is or is not the right time to take our rings off. Dating, that too is a matter of timing. For right now, I am happy to be single and get to know myself again. jjaz