Lizzie

Grandma loved doing word search puzzles in life. At the sunset of her life, as she stayed in hospice, she tried to do the puzzles then, too. She kept doing puzzles up until a couple of days before she died, and at her funeral my brothers and I placed a word search puzzle in her casket. Now, 12 days after her passing, I can't stop doing word search puzzles. I guess it's my way of memorializing her, as odd as that sounds.

Thank you so much for the kind words. She was like a second mommy to me when I was growing up; she helped raise me and took me to school when both of my parents were working long hours (when we lived closer). She was a teacher that believed in the inner strength that everyone had; she helped my older brother get his GED and guided me on my first weight loss journey in high school. Her home was like a safe haven for me in the older years. I'm a big nature girl at heart and when I stayed with her I could have spent hours with her in that little living room, playing solitaire with her and eating half of the blueberries that we picked in the garden that day. All of the memories are memories that I will cherish for the rest of my days here on Earth. I can't wait to see her again, whenever that time may be.

It's been 11 days since we lost my Grandma B. Grandma was my last remaining grandparent on my mom's side of the family and was perhaps the grandparent I was closest to. Who could not be close to her? In her prime years, she took care of EVERYONE...it didn't matter if you were related to her or not. She always made sure her guests were well fed and healthy when they stayed at her house. Her grandkids were like her children to her; she was a teacher that always brought out the best in us. Grandpa B died in April 2009 after having battled Alzheimer's disease for a very long time. After that, her mental and physical abilities began to decline. We didn't realize the severity of the decline until my mom and I went to visit her in December of 2009. My aunt had been purposefully neglecting her for her own selfish reasons, and the house that she was living in was an utter mess. My mom and I took it upon ourselves to put her in the nursing home, as we knew a 13 hour drive back to Kansas would not be a reasonable thing to subject her to. Throughout the spring 2010 semester, I told all of my friends at school that I couldn't wait for July to come, that I would spoil the heck out of her with disgusting amounts of love and affection while we visited her at the nursing home we moved her to. That week obviously never came. In mid-June, we learned that Grandma had been taken to the hospital with chest pains. Doctors gave us some grim news after running several tests on her--she had a heart attack. There were severe calcifications in her arteries, and because of her age (82) an operation would have done more harm than good. The situation was simply what it was. The day after the heart attack, she was moved to hospice care. My family and I went down there that week to make our peace with her. She held on for about a week and a half and passed away on July 2nd. When I saw her in the casket at her visitation, I couldn't help but feel relieved. She looked about 10 years younger; like she was resting and was at peace. And that she is...she is in a better place than where she had been prior to passing away. She's in a better place now, and thinking about the fact that she is with my grandpa brings me great comfort. Still, there are times when my mind subjects me to constant questioning, the "what ifs" and the potential "could have beens" that could have occurred throughout time that never did happen. My grief, my sadness hits me in waves where I can't help but break down and cry hysterically until the feeling passes. It's almost maddening, and at the same time I know that it's normal. I miss her so much that it hurts to breathe, but I know she's at peace now, and that's all that matters. Thanks for reading.