Ell

I don't feel up to that task right now either. I'm feeling anger right now toward my mother. I realize that no one else is talking about that aspect of grieving and I don't want to upset anyone so I haven't said much in a couple of days. I know she meant well but she consistantly made very detrimental decisions and I'm dealing with the repercussions now. Sorry for posting this in the tribute thread. The best I can do right now for a tribute is, "My mother didn't really mean to do the harm she did and there were some good times." Does, "She was always very pretty" count? I hope to say something more positive eventually. Ell

You're very welcome! Good luck with the project. Hugs, Ell

Also I wanted to add that I also feel like a scatterbrained robot lately. Another analogy that keeps coming to my mind is that trying to get through every day is like trying to navigate some immense emotional minefield. With every step there's a chance of an emotional explosion. I wanted to say, "Hi" and thanks to everyone here who's shared. It does help so much to feel "normal" among others who are sharing similar experiences. Love to all, Ell

Thanks so much, Shelley. The angel reference got to me a bit...in a good way. My mother used to sing to me at bedtime when I was very young. She used to sing a song that went, "You are my special angel..." When I read your post I could hear her singing it to me in my head. Thanks! You touched my heart too. Love, Ell

Hi Shelley, I promise you that he knows you loved him and he passed when he did because it was time for him to go at that time. Not your fault in any way! I neglected to mention that soon after my father's death in 1995 my mother became crippled by arthritis. She moved in with us about 6 years ago. Just over a year ago she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I was her caretaker for the last year. She joined a Hospice program about 10 weeks ago. She wanted to stay at home though instead of their center so I became her caretaker on a "private nurse" level for 23 hours a day Monday through Friday. On weekends I got the 24 hour shift. I quit work to care for her at home. Because I stopped working my car was repossesed last Thursday with only 6 payments left. My mother died last Sunday. Now I'm dealing with arranging an indigent burial for her,trying to get used to the idea of staying out of work because I have no car now, and helping my 4 year old deal with her own grief and confusion. Times are tough but as I've said before, if I had to lose my car to honor my mother's final wishes then I can live with that. (I think...?) Well to be honest it still hurts like H---! I learned two things while caring for my mother. The first was that when she got close to the end I felt free to touch her affectionately like I hadn't let my defenses down enough to do since childhood. I kissed her face and stroked her hair and forehead. I held her hand like I did long ago. The second thing was that when she passed I was surprised how much I missed that. I LOVED physically showing her affection with all my defenses down. That was so beautiful to share that with her again even though I hated to see her confused and in pain. I didn't realize how much I would miss touching her like that. I guess part of me has missed that all along. I'm sure we'll still be close now that she's passed but nothing replaces the physical touch of a mother. I am grieving too just like you. Maybe after losing my Dad, and also my beloved Mother in Law last year, I've just had a lot of practice. Hang in there, Sweetie. Great Big Hug, Ell

Maybe you just need to take some time to really feel all of the emotions it sounds like you may be repressing. It's hard when you feel like you have to be strong for others when you are screaming on the inside. Maybe write your feelings down or write a letter to your Dad. I know these are not original thoughts but some of them do help a bit. My father died in 1995. We had a dysfunctional past but I never doubted that he truly loved me. We were closer in his last year than we had been since my early childhood. I'm grateful for that at least. When he died 3 months before my wedding I was completely devastated. My perspective became so dark that when I looked at people I could actually see them age and die in my head. It was so hard to relate to people for a while. Eventually I became angry. I was angry at pretty much the whole world. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had a lifetime of repressed anger that needed to be purged. Anger at my mom for encouraging me to think badly of my dad. Anger at my dad for leaving me and for letting her drive an emotional wedge between us for so many years. Anger at myself and my mother for exposing my father to second-hand smoke for many years. He quit smoking when I was 8 so there was a lot of guilt about that for awhile. I could go on and on about all of the anger I had never let myself deal with from our past but I won't. What I'm trying to say is that his death became a catalyst for me to learn to effectively express my anger in non-detrimental ways. It took a lot of practice. I stayed angry and depressed for almost two years. I eventually started reading and learning about spirituality and life after death. That helped me tremendously to believe that I was still connected to him. I started talking to him regularly. (Yes, I know how that sounds.)It made me feel better so I did. I told him everything I thought and felt about the past, present, and future. I've always had a bit of a sixth sense anyway even though I denied it out of fear for a long time. When I had a dream "visit" with my dad I knew that he was listening and he was still part of my life. That was priceless to me although I still miss seeing him and hugging him and all those earthly things. I don't know if any of my story will help you in any way. I hope at least it helps you to know that those feelings are not unusual. You just need to find your own path through the valley of grief. There are many others on the same path. I hope we can help each other along the way. Hugs, Ell

Hi Maylissa and Everyone, I can relate to all of that. My parents loved me the best that they were capable of but they were not good sources of guidance for me at all. I've spent many years learning to deal with people and life on a very different level than they were able to. That doesn't mean I miss them any less though. Hugs, Ell P.S. I hope you didn't mind me making your original post shorter in order to quote it. Also, I hope I did that right.

Hi Dayna, Congratulations on your pregnancy. I felt sad when I was pregnant that my daughter would never grow up knowing either of her Grandfathers. I decided to scan pictures of her immediate family members that had passed into my computer. Originally I was going to print them all and make an album for her. I'd like to say I did that but I ran out of time before her birth and after that I had NO time. She just turned 4 recently and I've started scanning and repairing old pictures again. She's old enough now to really enjoy seeing them and hearing stories about them. When I get enough pictures together I will give them to a friend of mine who has a computer program that puts a slideshow to music. She has offered to do this already. I will use the song by Train called, "When I Look to the Sky". My own personal interpretation of that song is that he's singing it to departed loved ones or probably just one in particular. Other people may interpret it more religiously. Anyway, for me it is a way to pay tribute to my loved ones whom have passed while sharing their pictures with my daughter. Maybe some kind of project with your father as the subject would help your child get to know all about him. And as I remember the pregnancy hormones don't help at all! The second trimester is better. Hang in there. Hugs, Ell

Hi Maylissa and everyone else, I understand where you are coming from completely too. I had a dog named Jo-Jo. He was the puppy-love of my life. I got him as an abused and starving puppy and had fifteen and a half wonderful years with him. He actually had congestive heart failure in his 12th year but with love and a $250 worth of meds every month he lived to be almost 16. I consider that to be a bit of a miracle and I'm eternally grateful. I actually saw a therapist for the last couple years of his life because I had no idea how I was going to survive the loss of my puppy-son. He was my closest friend for many, many years. I'm going to admit something now that very few people know about me. I used to sing, "You are my Sunshine" to him every night before we fell asleep. He slept next to my shoulder every night. Even now if I hear that song I tear up. When he did pass I was with him. The next day I was devastated. I said I wouldn't get another dog for awhile. My husband talked me into going to a pet adoption place near us "just to look". We saw a dog that looked and acted just like Jo-Jo and I was hooked. The people told us that they had rescued her from the pound an hour before we arrived. She was in line to be put to sleep when they grabbed her. It felt like fate so we adopted her and named her Jessie. Jessie is a sweetheart. She didn't replace Jo but she did distract us from dwelling on it. I still miss my puppy-son but I love Jess too. I truly feel for you and what you are going through. Best wishes, Ell

Hi, I've had dream "visits" too so I thought I'd share. My first one was of my father who died of lung cancer in 1995. It was not detailed. It was just the two of us facing each other in what seemed like mist or fog. We did not speak with our mouths. We just transmitted thoughts and emotions telepathically. I was overjoyed to be in his presence again. I was aware that he had died in the physical world. He enveloped me with his love. I could actually feel it. I was so happy to be there with him until I realized I couldn't stay. I started crying because I never wanted to leave but I felt him communicate firmly and sadly that I could not stay. I woke up crying and saying out loud, "I don't want to go back!" If I had truly been given a choice I don't think I would have come back. My second visit was on Father's Day last year. My husband's mother, Lois had died April 10th, 2005 and we both adored her so her loss was very hard on both of us. I saw her and I got the impression (no specifics...just impressions mostly) that she was dressed elegantly. She seemed very happy and serene. There was also an adorable little blonde boy who was about 3. He looked more solid.He was dressed up in a little suit. He was twirling around happily like little kids do. I smiled at his antics and he came over to me, looked up at me with a sweet smile and said, "I want ice cream.". He ran around a little more then looked at Lois and said the same thing to her. This time I laughed and said, "I guess he really wants some ice cream!" I looked at Lois and thought that I really wanted to hug her. Like I had with my Dad in the previous visit, I felt her love and affection surround me like a warm hug but a thousand times better. I realized that I could send my feelings to her in the same way so I did. It was perfect communication uncomplicated by words or defenses. I woke my husband to tell him of the experience. When I told him about the little boy who wanted ice cream so badly he sat up and said, "That was Richard". I knew of course that he had lost his little brother to drowning when the little guy was three years old. I have seen only three pictures of him older than an infant. He was the third child so there weren't many pictures taken of him. My daughter looked eerily very much like her Uncle Richard at the same age. I've always been very touched by what happened to him. I never knew much about him though. When my husband heard about the little guy's plea for ice cream he told me that was a strong personal validation for him. Apparently Richard used to often ask his big brother for ice cream. Since Tom (my husband} was older he used to open the freezer and hand his little brother a half gallon of ice cream and a spoon. I honestly believe that this was an actual visit from Lois and her beautiful little boy. I would love to have more. Even more than that I hope with all my heart that my mother will visit my daughter in some form or another so that they can remain as close as they always were. Thanks to all who shared their stories. Hugs, Ell

I find petty subjects annoying too right now. Especially when friends have discussions about frivolous spending in front of me. Of course they work hard for their money and it is their right to spend it however they wish, but they know I had to stop working to take care of my mother. We have had to give up not only luxuries but also some necessities as well. It was very difficult for me to sit with friends who were talking about their $70 manicures and other spa treatments when I was skipping meals so that my mother and daughter would not go without their favorite foods. I felt so lonely and isolated like I just couldn't relate to them anymore. Besides that,all I could think about was how sad and frightening what was happening to my mother was for my entire family. I also felt guilty for leaving my mother unsupervised even for 2 hours. Even though I gave her all her meds, food, water, etc. before I left, there was always the chance that her pain would "breakthrough" and become very bad if I wasn't here. I eventually stopped leaving at all. I feel like I just don't belong with "normal people" who are not or have not dealt with a similar situation. I feel changed and I'm not sure who I have changed into yet. Suddenly I'm not my mother's caretaker anymore. I'm just a poor, depressed woman with few close friends and a young daughter who is also struggling with grief. What an abrupt identity change! It does help to vent to others who understand though. Thanks for listening. Hugs, Ell

I just have to say that I was feeling the same anger and abandonment that many of you are feeling. Two of my friends that I've known since childhood have been virtually non-existent since my mother became terminally ill. She passed 2 days ago from lung cancer and I still haven't heard from one of them. I was my mother's primary caretaker since I honored her wishes and kept her at home. Hospice sent out an Aide for about an hour per day Monday through Friday. The rest was my watch. She did have 24 hour crisis care during her last 7 days but I took care of her for months before that and it was not an easy time at all. I couldn't work so my car got repossesed with only 6 more payments left. That still hurts a lot. I also had my 4 year old at home with me as well, so trying to keep up with the care of both her and my mother was really overwhelming at times. I have to say though that given the choice now between keeping my mother at home like she wanted or keeping my car, I would do the same all over again. With all of this going on I had hoped that the friends who actually grew up knowing my mom might maybe drop an email or call occasionally just to let us know they still cared. They didn't though and I was very angry and hurt. After reading so many similar posts here today though I gained a different perspective. Knowing that this situation is so common really helped me understand that it's not that my friends are uncaring but scared and unsure what to say. I also thought about sending angry letters. I'm really glad now that I didn't. Thanks for the guidance and for sharing. Hugs, Ell

Hi Lori, I'm sorry that you have to experience the pain of losing your mom again at the burial service tomorrow. Just know that there is no time limit on the grieving process and give yourself permission to cry if you feel like it. No one will think less of you for it. Hugs, Ell

Please forgive me if I screw up the posting process. This forum seems a bit different than the ones I'm used to. I just wanted to say that I truly believe that people who know they are leaving this world soon will often wait until certain people either arrive or are away. My mother died of lung cancer two days ago. The night before she spoke one of her few lucid and audible sentences that day. She asked, "Where's Amandah?" Amandah is my just-turned-four year old daughter. I asked my mother if she wanted to see her but she seemed agitated and didn't reply. I brought my daughter in to see her Grandma but my mother didn't respond the way she usually did. The next day my husband took my daughter to the park to get her out of the house. My mother lived about an hour and a half after that. I know she didn't want to traumatize her beloved granddaughter, so she waited until she wasn't around. Many years before that my husband's Grandmother waited until we left for the weekend to pass in her own house just like she always said she wanted to. Other people will wait for a certain loved one to arrive before letting go. Some wait for their loved ones to tell them it's okay to go. If you weren't there it's because you were not supposed to be there. Please don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure your Grandmother would hate that you are feeling pain every day over this. Healing hugs, Ell