Kansas

Oh Patty...my heart goes out to you just reading your post. Please accept a great big cyberhug {{ }}. I do hope someone close to you remembered your birthday; I want to say Happy Birthday but I also don't want that to sound hollow given how you are feeling. Have you tried talking to your Mom? I noticed that some other posters suggested that and I actually have done that a time or two. It seems to calm me down if I'm feeling anxious or terribly sad. After living with your Mom for so long I cannot imagine how it must feel so have that empty spot in your physical environment as well as in your heart. My Mom lived in a nursing home the last 4 years of her life and my husband and I have two adult children and two grandsons. The kids don't live nearby but I have them to talk to when I need that. I really am concerned about you. Would you consider talking to someone in your church or temple? Maybe there are grief support groups in your area? Or try talking to your doctor? Maybe someone could recommend a counselor or a support group. I think you would find that talking to anyone you feel comfortable with would help. So far, I have just had to deal with acknowleding my mother's birthday on July 4th, and that was difficult. I don't have a clue how the upcoming holidays will affect me; most of the time it is the small things that will trigger sadness. I still believe that a person has to face the grief before healing can begin. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk. I will be thinking of you. Peace and hugs.

I just added you as a friend. Not sure how that works on this site.

Patty you may contact me any time if it helps. I know it helps me to talk about Mom with others who have lost a parent. It's been almost 4 months and the pain has eased some but the loss is still there. Sunday afternoons are the hardest for me because that was a time that I always made sure to visit Mom at the nursing home. I went other times also but almost always on Sunday afternoon. Keep reaching out to others. You do not have to go through this alone. Hugs.

I'm sorry for your loss Imissyoumamajo. My mother passed away six weeks aftr my second grandson was born. She never got to meet him but she did see pictures. It was ironic that I helped my daughter with the baby and her older son and just six weeks later she and her family were helping me with the loss of my mother. Never was the cycle of life brought to light more clearly for me. Try to look at the timing of your son's birth as a blessing. And know that your mother is watching over all of you. That is what helps me get through some days.

Thanks Marty. And yes, I do understand people grieve differently. That is why I wrote it "appears" my brother is moving on more quickly and easily. I don't know exactly how he feels because he doesn't talk about it. But I am trying to give him the benefit of a doubt.

I have been struggling with the difference in how my brother and I are handling the death of our mother. Our mother was 91 when she died; my brother is 66 and I am 58. Our father died 45 years ago and mom never remarried. As the child who took care of Mom's finances and was also her medical power of attorney and who lived in the same town as our mother, I have had many more details to attend to than my brother. He doesn't quite "get" that. He lives in another state almost a thousand miles away; he just recently moved there after he re-married shortly after Mom died. I am an active griever and he is not. All of this has been bothering me and a few days ago I had a revelation. I think the reason that I feel the way I do is because his moving away is bringing back feelings of abandonment after our father died. My brother did the same thing then. Instead of sticking around to help our mother - who was a widowed farm wife - he distanced himself. I was 13 at the time and I remember many hard times during that period. And now I think those feelings are returning after the death of Mom because my brother distanced himself again. Now that I can put a reason to why I've felt this way how do I deal with it and move on?

I am so sorry for your loss Patty. As to how I'm getting through my Mom's passing, I don't have a good answer. It's different for everyone but one thing I do know is that you must go through the grieving process instead of blocking it out. Otherwise, that grief will come back to visit sometime down the road when you least expect it. For me it helps to talk. I've seen a grief counselor twice now and have a third appointment next week but I'm not sure I will continue after that. It hasn't been that helpful to me; she has recommended books and websites but I could research that on my own. Talking to someone who has been through the loss of a parent is what works for me and I'm fortunate that I have a co-worker who has been through the process with parents and a son. We talk a lot. Some family members are helpful, others are not. My husband has been there for me every step of the way. My daughter listens more than my son but my son will always call me back if he misses one of my calls. I'm finding that men and women grieve differently. My brother doesn't want to talk much about Mom and he certainly doesn't want emotions to get involved. He lives in another state and lately we haven't even talked on the phone much. He appears to have moved on much more quickly and easier than me. However, I was the one nearest Mom and the one who was involved with her care taking and finances and also funeral arrangements and now the dispersing of her meager belongings. It is the hardest thing I have been through in my life so far. I was not prepared for how much I would miss my Mom or how much I wish I had done some things differently for her. I am Christian and she was also; she had a very strong faith. That helps me get through the darker times. Find just one person whom you trust and talk to them. Remember the positive things. Reframe negative feelings into positive thoughts. Honor your mother by donating some of her things to good causes. Help others when they are in need and think of your mother when you do. I am just barely three months out after Mom's death and it is getting better slowly. Sometimes I am still blindsided by the small things though. So I give in to that and then try to move forward. Grieving is hard work but I believe that it is necessary. Hugs.

I agree, there are no coincidences. And thank you for sharing that song and story. My Mom was laid to rest next to my father 39 years TO THE DAY after she moved from her hometown. The minister said then that there are no coincidences; that was God's plan. Later that same day there were rain showers in the area. Afteward, we saw a beautiful double rainbow in the eastern sky. I believe that was my Mom smiling down on us and thanking us for bringing her "home".

First of all Senior, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope the coming days and months will bring you some rest and some peace. Secondly, I just have to say "Wow" our experiences were very similar. What gets me through is knowing that I have a clear conscience that I did everything I could for Mom and was there for her when she needed me. Whatever my brothers have to live with on their minds is for them to deal with. My doctor prescribed Xanax temporarily to help me sleep and it did work. Sleeping was the biggest problem for me. The first few days I would have nightmares when I did sleep. Most nights I couldn't get to sleep or stay asleep. That has improved. The first visit I had with the grief counselor was basically a get-to-know-my-background visit. I go back on August 13th. I liked her but I was disappointed that we only scratched the surface of why I was there. However, I did leave knowing that what I was feeling and how I was reacting were normal feelings, especially for someone who was involved in the caregiving of the loved one they lost. There is no hurry in going through your Mom's things. I tried to do everything right away as well and it just doesn't work. Your emotions need time to heal. So I've put that task on hold for awhile too. Be easy on yourself. Take it a day at a time and cry when you need to. Anyone who doesn't understand that you need time isn't worth worrying about. I'm willing to listen if you need to talk. Hugs.

Wisefoxuk, I'm so sorry for your recent loss. Your loss is still so fresh; don't be too hard on yourself. Thank you for your words about unconditional love from our parents. That helped me let go of a few twinges of guilt about small things. Remember that anyone who has not been through the loss of a parent, and I'm finding especially the loss of the last parent, can really understand how you feel. Hugs.

I lost my Mom on May 28, 2010. She was 91. Sometimes people think the right thing to say is that "you are lucky you had her for so long" as though my grief shouldn't be as deep because she was older. Even though she wasn't able to be the Mom that she was to me in her younger days anymore she was still my Mom and I miss her. Is nearly two months still pretty fresh in the grieving process? One of my brothers got re-married just three weeks after Mom passed away and it seems as though he is moving on rather easily. However, I am the one left to go through all of her things alone. He lives several states away. He had offered to arrange for the grave marker but he even bailed on that. And now he and his new wife are going on vacation. Our dad passed away 45 years ago. My husband has been very supportive, as have my kids, for which I am very grateful. It's just so hard when a person feels like all of the responsibility falls on them. Our other brother has totally distanced himself from us for the last 20 years and he chose not to participate in the funeral or provide support in any way. He also lives several states away. In fact, when I called him with the news of Mom's passing his reply was, "well, we knew it was going to happen sometime." I had asked the rest home where she lived the past four years if they had any mail delivered for her there. They insisted they didn't then just this week someone called and said, oh by the way, we do have some mail here. There was a thick stack and that was just July. Who knows what happened to June's mail. So the other night, there I sat opening her mail and crying my eyes out. I didn't think earlier to have her mailing address changed to my address but I did that now. All the little reminders are what get to me. Mom's birthday was on July 4th. That's a very hard day to commerate quietly. I did light a candle at Mass for Mom that weekend. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal but I have made an appointment with a grief counselor for next week. I'm hoping that will help me work through some issues. My medical doctor prescribed a month's worth of Xanax and it does help calm me down and helps me sleep but I know I can't take it long-term. I think I just need others to talk to who have been in similar situations. As the youngest in my family and with both of my parents gone the future frightens me just a little. I know that sounds silly; I have a husband, two children, two grand-children, and a good job. I'm an adult but my Mom was always there, no matter in what capacity. I've been trying hard to remember the good and happy things but some days I'm more successful at that than other days. Then there are days when I feel guilty that I didn't do more for her. I constantly think, I should have done this for Mom or I should have taken Mom here. No matter how much I did I still think of what I didn't do. Does anyone else feel that way? Sorry this so long. This my first post here. I was glad to have found this site.