wisefoxuk

Hi CherylAnn I have also lost both my parents. My father two and a half years ago to cancer, and my mother six weeks ago. My mothers death was sudden and completly unexpected. You asked some questions, which I will answer from my own experience. But remember everyone is different, and NOBODY has the right to tell you how quickly you should be "getting over it". Many of these people will not have lost a parent, let alone both. It is only those of us who have, that can even imagine the emotions experienced. OK. Now for your questions. But as I have already said, everyone is unique. There are no exacts. All I can do is tell you my own experience. 1) Sleeping. Like yourself, after my dad was diagnosed I had trouble sleeping. To be more exact, getting to sleep. It would take me anywhere between 1 to 2 hours to get to sleep. Then I would wake constantly throughout the night. After he died, for the first few weeks I hardly slept. Then I reverted to the patten I had when he was first diagnosed. It was a good six months after before it got to be anywhere near normal. My mom passed six weeks ago, and for the first week afterwards I hardly slept. Surprisingly, by the second week I was sleeping much better, although again it was taking a good hour or two to fall asleep. For me, I have found the mornings when I first wake up to be the hardest. I get an intense feeling of loneliness, yearning and apprehension over the future. 2) My family and friends have been very supportive. But it has only been six weeks. I bet the people who are suggesting to you that you should be moving on by now have not lost both of their parents. Just because your father, like mine, had a long illness before passing, doesn’t make the pain any less when they do pass away. I’m 48 and I know it is going to take me a long time to get over the loss of the two people who loved me no matter what. As for methods of self healing, what would work for me, may not work for you. For me, I have found comfort in looking at a photo I have of my mom and dad taken just a year before dad was diagnosed, and talking out loud to them. Talking about anything from the type of day I had at work, what I think I may have for tea, though to how much I miss them. I also get comfort from this site, reading the posts, and communicating with others who do understand that this kind of loss is not something that just goes away after a set time limit. 3) I’m sorry to say that I can’t help you with this one. I am lucky in that my remaining family are supportive. I am sorry that you have this to handle, on top of your grief. 4) I have mood swings through the day as well. I always seem to wake in the morning feeling very down. After an hour or two, I tend to be ok. But at any time through the day I can suddenly go from fine to sad, lonely, tearful, or a host of other emotions. This can be set off by something tangible. For example I was shopping and passed a brand of biscuit my mother liked and had be pick up for her, and realised I no longer needed to put it in my shopping basket. While on other occasions my mood will suddenly change for no reason I can fathom. There are no absolutes when it comes to grieving. Don’t let others tell you that now three months have gone, it’s time to move on. Remember there are good folks here always willing to listen. Hugs

Hi Aquarius7 I can appreciate what you went through while shopping (see my post under missing my mom). My mom past just a month ago very suddenly. There have been a few occasions when some little thing has set me off. Nothing as public though as when I was shopping. It's comforting to come to sites like this one, where people do understand. It will be a long hard journey. All we can do is take a day at a time. All the best.

Hello Kansas Really sorry for your loss I lost my mom just four weeks ago (July 3rd). It was very sudden, and I have never felt as much pain in my 48 years of living on this planet. I lost my father two years ago which was painful enough, but this time my heart is well and truly broken.. After his passing I spent a lot of time with mom. She lived just a mile from me, so I called in every day. We had always been very close, but in the two years between my father’s death and hers, we shared a really special bond. My mom was always there for me through good times and bad. Five days after my mother passed I finally forced myself to visit the supermarket to stock up on supplies. I always used to do my mother’s food shopping for her, because of her arthritis. As I pushed my trolley down the aisles, I found myself stopping at the items that I used to pick up for my mother. It was so strange that I no longer needed to put these items in to my trolley. I continued my shop, and all of a sudden, felt a sharp pain in my eyes. It was as if a red hot poker had been poked in to them. My vision was blurred. For a second I didn’t know what was happening, then I realised that I had tears streaming down my face. Not normal tears, these were hot and burned. People were staring at me. A middle aged man crying like a baby. I had to leave all the shopping in the trolley and get out of the store, with people staring at me as if I was a complete weirdo. I had to sit in my car for half an hour before I could compose myself enough to drive home. So now here I am. I feel as if nothing really matters anymore. I feel very alone, even though I have friends and other family members around. I live alone, and when I lie in bed at night, I think of the future without my mother’s love and guidance to support me, and realise life will be much harder now. The thing that gives me, and I hope you strength, is in the knowledge that there are people out there who know exactly how you feel. It’s going to be tough, in particular the first few years, but we will make it. It’s what our parents would want us to do, and the least we can do to honour their memory. Yes there are things we should and shouldn’t have said and done. Told them how much we loved them more often. That chore that they asked us to do, but we never got around to doing. But we are only human, and far from perfect. Our parents loved us for who we are, warts and all. It didn’t take words or deeds for us to know that. As it didn’t for them to know how much we loved them.