Whiteswan

Hi Linda: I am so sorry you had to go through that pain. Some people are "me-me's" as I call them -ie- only think of themselves and we are all supposed to be as interested in their lives and families as they are. Ego maniacs! My Mom passed away in 2006 (am still in grief and think of her everyday) and I had stupid people sending me cheery birthday cards in May that year for my 1st birthday without her! (She passed away in April). Then came Christmas that year and the cards started rolling in. Some were sensitive and said they were holding my son and I in prayer as we faced our 1st Christmas without my Mom , but others went on and on about their wonderful lives that we were supposed to be as thrilled about as they were! Those ones didn't mention one word about my Mom or even inquire how we were doing. You really see people's true colours when grieving. My neighbour just lost her husband of about 50 yrs last week and I was thinking today of getting her a special sympathy Christmas card this year -- they are available in the stores . (I already gave her a regular sympathy card). I don't want to not send any card for Christmas as I always gave him and her a card every Christmas , but I hope she doesn't think a special sympathy Christmas card is tasteless. Those cards do acknowledge the loss and pain of not being with a loved one on Christmas. I'll think about it and see what is out there. If I do send it I hope I am making the right choice. My sincere sympathies to you Linda and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending love, hugs and prayers your way while you deal with this turmoil.

No, I do not think this is rude of you. You have to feel comfortable and maybe in the future you will be, maybe not. I remember after my Dad died in 1985 I did not want to see his relatives (my cousins, Aunts, Uncles, ete ) for a few yrs because it felt too painful, like another reminder that he was gone. However when my Mom passed in 2006 I felt ok around her relatives so it is different I think for every death. Do what you feel is right for you.

I was appalled when I read what that heartless b**ch wrote and I feel outraged that she is a fellow Canadian! (I am Canadian.) She needed to be royally told off and I am glad it was one of us on this site who did it!

Hi everyone. It has been awhile since I've posted here, but I have been checking in and reading posts. Today I met a lady who has had 5 death experiences. I am in Health Care and a new client shared with me that she "died" clinically 5 times over the past 20 yrs from heart attacks and so on. I asked her if she remembered anything that happened and she smiled and said " I have been waiting for years for someone to ask me that! Yes, I remember every time. I went to I guess people would call it heaven. I felt so peaceful, not a care in the world feeling, it smelled wonderful there, not like any smell here, far more beautiful. I saw my Mother twice , both of those times I had died after she had died . Once was 5 yrs ago and I saw her then this past one during the stroke I saw her again. Yep, the tunnel and the light too. I know it's not my time yet but I am not afraid of dying when it is because I know life goes on and it is beautiful there, so no one needs to worry about anyone who has died because they are still very much alive." Just thought I would share that with all of you . Hugs to all.

I think we all go through that. It will be 2 yrs in April that my Mom has been gone and I still find those memories of her illness and death creeping into my thoughts along with all the feelings that went with it. Yesterday I was thinking that it was 2 yrs ago to the day that she went into hospital telling me as she went "This will be the end of the road. I just want you to know so you'll be prepared." She seemed to know. She did come out of hospital on March 31/06 but only at her request so that she could die at home in the privacy of her home with her family. So yeah, I think we all have those memories and I think we do because they were tramatic for all of us . They were also the last memories we have of our loved ones and I think the human mind recalls what it last experienced first when stirring up memories. Love to all. P.S. How are all the other Northners dealing with this big Winter Storm today? As you can see I am dealing with it by being on this site. Cold outside so I'm seeking my warmth here . My son is seeking his on his Nintendo DS.

Thanks all for your insights. They do help. I also realized today that other things complicate the grief or grief complicates these other things -- I don't know which -- maybe both. For example, two days ago my 9 yr old son fell at school while playing with other kids (they were all running) and when he fell he bashed up his knee , his hip and broke a front tooth besides really scrapping his chin. After I talked to him on the phone (the school called) and realized that he was able to continue with his school day, the first thought I had was "I'll have to tell Mom this one!" My Mom has been gone nearly 2 yrs! After I realized what I was thinking, I said out loud "Well Mom, he broke his tooth." then I thought "Good Lord! She already knows that! She would know it before you knew it now that she is a spirit!" I think a lot of it is my Mom and I were close, she was my rock, my cushion, my buffer in this world and now I don't have one anymore. I also realized this morning that I hadn't changed the address on my driver's licence to my new address even though I sold my Mom's house in Sept 07 and bought this house at the same time. Yeah, I've been driving around with a licence with the old address for the last 4 months! I went and had it changed about an hour ago and I thought to myself why did I wait so long! I think a part of me still wanted a connection to the old house because it was her house. Changing the address brought reality crashing down again --ie- that house is gone and so is she! (I have yet to change the address on our health insurance -- will do that next week when I have time.) Then I looked at the stack of bills to pay and a part of me was reminded that she is not here (we used to share the bills as I'm the single Mom of 1 child and we lived with her) and I used to think to myself after she died when looking at my son and 2 animals " You poor things, you are all dependent on me , a person who slips in and out of depression and can't see where it is all going." I guess I sound depressed again today, but really I'm not , I'm just reflecting and trying to figure all this out online with all of you who read this post. A part of me knows it is all going to be okay as I had an experience while sleeping on Sunday night . I don't remember all of it in a conscious way but I know and remember coming back down a tunnel that was like a spiral into my body and I could see me Mom smiling at me at the end (larger) part of the tunnel. It was like I had been with her and was coming back here and she was seeing me back to here. Even though I don't recall her saying anything to me I know it was like she was saying it is all going to be okay. I can't consciously remember all of this experience but a part of me just knows that I learned a lot, was told a lot and all is eventually going to work out. I don't feel crazy writing this or like it was only a dream or not real because I feel it was real -- I've never felt anything in my life that could be more real. (I had other "dreams" of her too in the past where she talked to me but this one for some reason is more profound to me as I feel I learned a lot and just have a knowing feeling now that I never used to have.) It was real -- I know that in my heart and now when I feel worried about bills, etc I keep reminding myself of that experience -- I can see it and feel it all again in my mind and it helps me feel better. Anyone else ever have an experience like this? Thanks all for listening and sharing. Love you all, Whiteswan

Thank you to both of you. I can see where I should just accept my emotions instead of fighting them. After I read the part about fighting them I looked back over the past few months and I realized that I had been trying to fight them. When in the throes of depression I would try to shake it, put myself down for feeling depressed then feel even more tired than originally then spiral downward into deeper depression. It would start off as sadness then fighting it and judging myself for having it sunk me deeper into it until I got so depressed that I took off work for 4 days and only did the things that I absoultely had to do like take care of my son's and animals daily needs. I think if I just would have accepted the sadness, not judged myself for having it, it would have passed easier and I wouldn't have been so exhausted. Thank you again for your insights and support. This place is very supportive and I feel safe here.

My son and I had to put our loving 15 yr old cat Comet to sleep in Nov 07 so I know how you feel. Thankfully we have a 2 yr old female cat named Tigress and a 4 yr old black Lab named Princess who seem to be somewhat of a buffer from losing Comet. They do ease the pain in some ways even though Tigress cries sometimes at night as she misses Comet so much. I don't see anything wrong with you getting a new kitten . It won't replace your other cat but it will help to ease the pain. One word of caution however: Try not to compare the new one to your other one as they each have their own personalities and it wouldn't be fair to the new one to try to have to live up to the other ones image. Yrs ago when my beautiful Bouvier died I found a stray dog who was starving and very sick about 6 wks after my Bouvier died and that darling little stray certainly eased the pain. I nursed him back to health with the vet's help , gave him a loving home until he died and he warmed my heart. I had the feeling when I found him that maybe my Bouvier knew how heartbroken I was over her death so she sent that little stray into my life to ease the blow. Maybe your beloved cat will from his heavenly home direct you to the " purr"fect little kitten to ease your pain too. Keeping you in my prayers.

I have been going through a lot of depression lately. It comes and goes. I'll have it for a few days or a little longer then it lifts again. I really miss my Mom even though my 9 yr old son frequently sees her appear to him and I sporadically smell her personal scent. Also we had to put our beloved 15 yr old cat Comet to sleep due to kidney and heart failure in Nov 07. My friend's Mom passed a wk and a half ago which also upset me as I liked her and it reminded me of my own Mom's death again of course. Also just after Christmas a client died(I am in community health care). I took care of 3 times a week for 5 yrs. I really liked him and miss him too. Maybe the depression is just all of that and winter itself -ie- not much sunshine and cold outside. How do any of you deal with depression? What do you do to get out of it? Last wk it was so bad that I didn't go to work 4 of the 5 day work wk! I was tired and after I took my son to school I just came home , laid on the couch and believe it or not tried to figure out God, the whole order of life, etc,etc. I felt like Jesus' 3 days in the tomb only I had 4 of them then "resurrected" yesterday in a better frame of mind! Anyone else been through similar? Thanks for all insights.

Thanks for all replies and it does feel better to know I am not alone. I guess I have fallen into society's trap of we should be over this by now as it has been 20 months since my Mom's passing. Thanks for all insights and I am going to try the one for sure regarding helping others. Actually that went along with what I was just reading in the book "Love Lives On : Learning From Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved " by Louis LaGrand Ph.D. He states that when we feel ready that one of the best healers of grief is to reach out and help others, which I also guess is what we are all doing here on this site -- helping each other through words of encouragement and letting each other know that we are not alone. DoulbeJo: thanks for those words about religious experience. You stated it in a way that really spoke to my inner self! Yes, my experiences in the religious /spiritual realm are far different than what would be considered acceptable to the very conservative church I have been attending for the past 3 yrs so that is why I have felt drawn back to the more liberal one that I had attended for yrs prior -- the more liberal one would accept where I stand so to speak. However the conflict has also involved the fact that the conservative one has a childrens club on Wed evenings that my son likes to attend and they also teach him music free of charge on Thurs evenings so that he can play in their kids band and eventually in their adult band. Because of that I felt obligated to go to their Sunday services although I admit that I haven't exactly been faithfully attending Sunday service there since my Mom passed and I've had experiences that they would deem unacceptable to their doctrine. (They also did my Mom' memorial service and put on a nice dinner for everyone after so that also left me feeling obligated.) I think I'll just let my son go to his kids club there and his music lessons as he loves both and attend their Sunday service only when he is on stage with the kids band which is only once every 2-3 months. I think I'll be true to myself and attend the more open-minded liberal church on Sundays, the one that would accept and support where I am spiritually and my personal spiritual experiences. I just asked my son how he feels about that arrangement and he said he likes it because he likes the more liberal church better on Sundays and their Sunday school anyway "because they don't talk about the blood and gory of Jesus dying on the cross and how He got there because we are all sinners." He said the liberal one talks about "love and peace and how we are all God's kids." So decision mutually agreed upon! And thank you all for listening to me finally resolve this spiritual /religious conflict that has been pestering me for a long time now! Once again DoubleJo, thank you, your words helped me finally make this decision. Love and hugs, Whiteswan

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I have been on here, have been busy selling the family home, finding a smaller suitable home for my son, animals and I, all the business of moving , etc, etc. My beloved Mom passed on into non-physical life April 2, 2006 and I got through that Christmas mostly by putting my focus on making the best Christmas possible for my son who was also very close to my Mom (we lived with her). That was my goal and focus last year , besides distracting myself with buying myself a lot of new clothes. Now we are in a new home (which I do like) but I really feel lost without my Mom, especially as Christmas draws nearer. Last yr I was the pillar of strength for my son as we faced the first Christmas without her (he had a very hard time Christmas Eve last yr crying for hours nearly to the point of vomiting and again on Christmas morning as we opened our gifts without her.) This yr I just feel so lost , like the reality of her not being here physically is really starting to sink in . Don't get me wrong, I have grieved , done all the sobbing , all the physical manifestations of grief, etc over the past 20 months since her death, but it's also like somewhere inside of me I guess I just kept thinking that someday I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare and she'll still be here physically! Denial? Anyone else still in the throes of this incredible grief after this long? Any insights would help. I also have been going through a spiritual/religious crises since her death -ie- I used to go to a open-minded more liberal Christian church yrs ago then about a yr and a half before her death I switched to a very conservative evangical type church and have been debating within myself since she died and I've had some very profound experiences (and my son has too) whether the liberal one is right or the evangical one is right. I decided the other day that I want to go to the Christmas service at the liberal one this yr (haven't been there in a long time) and at times I feel like I am trying to put a circle in a square box so to speak by trying to continue to go to the conservative evangical one. Know what I mean? Does the death of a loved one commonly do this to those left behind? Thanks to all..with love, Whiteswan

Hi all. I haven't been on this site since Nov 06 . My Mom who I love dearly passed April 2/06 and it has been a very rough road -- the roughest I've ever walked. Around Christmas I just tried to do all the traditional things for my son's sake and actually started to enjoy life -- not a big party type of enjoy but at least I could smile and laugh a bit. The crying/wailing in grief related pain had subsided and I thought I was 'over' it all. Last week I started feeling very heavy and tired , like a massive weight was pressing down on me (it has almost an energy of its own) and I felt like I was literally being pulled downward into a deep dark hole. I went about my business and tried to brush it off but would at times take naps during the day due to the tiredness. Today after 10 and a half hours sleep last night I still had this tiredness so laid on my bed and very distinctly heard my Mom's voice in my head say "Let it out." and I burst out crying ! Wailing again. It will be 15 month on July 2nd and I almost feel like she just died yesterday again. I can't believe I still have this much pain! I never had this much for anyone else I have ever lost. My Mom and I were very close and I think that is why. I don't know if the tiredness is caused by the grief that is still in me . Anyone else had this after this long? Marty, maybe you too can give me some insight here? Thanks all.

Everyone's death is different and our reactions to everyone's death is different. I didn't cry until the 7th month mark after my Dad's death. I was crying inside but the tears/sobs didn't hit until 7 months later. I immediately cried when my Mom died (well at least within the first half hour as I was holding my screaming , wailing and very shaky young son at the time and I held back my tears to console him.) My Mom's death has had a far more devastating impact on me than anyone else's deaths. We all handle it in our own way and like I said we react differently to each death so don't be hard on yourself -- the tears will come when they are ready. Love and hugs.

Marty T: Thanks for the info on the writer who is interested in children's experiences in seeing the spirits of our deceased loved ones! I told my son about it and he is thrilled that he may get a chance to tell someone besides me and my sister (who he told the other night) about his seeing his Nana. Love and hugs and thank you once again for this wonderful site!

Oh how I relate! I miss my Mom, my Dad, my maternal grandparents (didn't know my paternal grandparents real well). I feel like an orphan and realize that the 4 significant adults I had in my life who were always there for me no matter what are gone! I had a dream a few nights ago in which my Mom was telling me that it will all be ok and that "you have a lot of friends in high places." I took it to mean all my relatives in Heaven. (My quick witted 8 yr old son agreed then said "Either that or you know a lot of mountain goats!" ha.) It is hard to conceive that they are all dead. I agree with the others here: don't let anyone push you through the grief process -- it's hard enough without trying to rush it. I really think we all never get over it or beyond it, we just learn to live with it somehow. I know that from experiencing all the other deaths before my Mom's . Hers has been the hardest for me and I think it's because she was my Mommie and there is no one like a Mother! They carried us for 9 months in their womb, went through great pain to give birth to us and nurtured us like no one else ever could until the moment they breathed their last breath. My Mom was worried about my son and I even when she was very sick and knocking at death's door. I heard her praying out loud one night for God to please make sure my son and I would be alright! (I never told her that I heard her praying that as I figured I would let it remain between her and God.) She was on her death bed reminding me to make sure I looked through her file cabinet for all the legal papers like the will, house deed, etc. She kept saying "remember where everything is that you'll need and do whatever you want to do about it. I know you want to get out of this neighbourhood so sell the house to do that if you want." She knew I don't care for some of the new neighbours we have around here and she knew I couldn't afford to pay the high property taxes here indefinitely. She was a Mother in the true sense of the word right to the end. I think that she is still trying to reassure us as I have a lot of dreams of her in which she is reassuring me and my son frequently still sees her spirit in the house and she's always smiling at him -- it makes him happy and it certainly comforts me when he sees her. I also still smell and sense her presence at times, especially when I am upset about her dying or something else. Sounds like we all have a lot of friends in high places in this thread. Love to all.

Yeah, my Mom was my mentor, my best friend, my rock when I needed someone to be tough in my life to protect me from the cruel realities of the world, my cushion when I needed to be held and consoled over life's sorrows, my safety net when I made stupid mistakes, my teacher -- in cooking, crafts, gardening, and many of life's ways of do and don't. She never told me what to do when I got older , she just guided me and encouraged me then let me make my own decisions, live with the consequences of them but she was there as a ear to hear the whining if it all went wrong and suggest ways to correct it. She taught me about parenting too, more by example than anything -ie- to always put our children first and so on like she most definitely did. God, I love that woman and I really miss her!

Even though I have felt depressed re my Mom's death during the past few weeks I have not been able to cry again until today. (All I seemed to do the first while after her death was cry.) Over the past few weeks the tears just wouldn't come but today I felt awful both physically and emotionally then all of a sudden the sobbing started again. A part of me wishes I was "past" all this, a part of me feels there is no rainbow at the end of the storm so to speak , another part feels this is normal and that I have to go through it, another part says my Mom wouldn't want me hurting like this and would want me to have joy in my life again. She has only been dead for 7 months and 5 days (even typing the word "dead" is like a stabbing reality, a rude cruel awakening.) Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be basically ok again? Love to all.

I know how that feels. It can be frustrating and overwhelming and a cruel reality hit that our loved one is really gone physically. I will keep you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

I have been through the memories of my Mom's suffering during the past few yrs before her death too. It isn't /wasn't fair and she shouldn't have had to suffer like that. I also get thoughts / memories of how powerless I felt during those times of her suffering -- I wasn't able to take her pain away or do anything to prevent her death! That is also an awful feeling!

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers . I need all the prayers I can get right now, especially with being in perimenopause and having all these hot flashes along with grief and so on. Bless you.

Thanks for all replies. Daddyslilgirl: I'll keep you in my prayers as you approach the 7th month mark. It is hard as I'm sure every anniversary of our loved ones deaths will be. Thanks all for prayers for my Aunt. I'll keep you all up to date on her condition. Love and hugs to all.

Thanks for all replies. Yes, my son still goes -- he loves going to church and thank God I have a good friend who goes too and is willing to take him along with her family! My Mom believed in God and yes, she was religious just quietly so- she didn't share her beliefs with many (I was one of the few fortunate ones in that department as we were close and often shared our inner most thoughts /feelings and beliefs with each other.) She told me what songs she wanted played at her memorial service (she knew she was dying -- even before the doctors did) and the majority of those songs had religious tones or were gospel songs which she frequently listen to. She also was the one who suggested that my son and I start attending the church we go to as we were looking for a new church a few yrs ago -- she liked and respected the church we have been attending the past few yrs. She used to tell me not to visit her at the hospital on Wed nights as my son has his church youth group then and to take him to that instead, so yes, she no doubt would be telling me to go to church but it's just hard right now. I have been having hot flashes off and on all weekend and today and I am terrified that I'll get another one at church during the service. I hate them and I wish this part of my life would cool down -- no pun intended -ha. I had a dream in which my Mom told me that there is a God, that Jesus Christ is real and that we are in a refinery now and everything we go through on earth is to learn and grow. That dream was so real I felt like I was with her. I had another dream on the weekend in which she told me that it's all going to be okay and that "You have a lot of friends in high places." I take that to mean heaven -- I guess so as so many of my relatives seem to have gone there! (When I told my 8 yr old son about that dream he said "Well it either means friends in heaven Mommie or you know a lot of mountain goats!" ha. What a kid, eh?) So I do believe my Mom is trying to communicate and that she knows I am frazzled right now. My son still sees her in the house (he has since a few days after she died), not as frequently as at first but he still get a shocked wide-eyed look (I know he's seeing her then) then he'll say "Mommie! Look there's Nana!" I say "Where?" and he'll tell me but unfortunately I can't see her but I don't doubt or discredit him. I am glad he can see her and that he tells me. According to him she's always smiling right at him and is never using a cane or walker. (He never knew her without a cane or walker so if he's hallucinating her rather than really seeing her spirit I would imagine that he would hallucinate her the way he was familiar with her -- ie- with a cane or walker. So I believe he's really seeing her.) I still sense her and smell her at times , especially if I am really upset. Have even felt her touch the top of my head like she used to if I was upset or sick. Anyway, I've gotten off topic here. I do believe God knows what I am going through right now and yes He no doubt knows I'll eventually get to Sunday service again. I do attend the adult study class on Wed nights and family movie night once a month so it's not like I've eliminated church from my life all together. Thanks to all. Love and hugs.

P.S. Say a prayer for that Aunt too as she has swollen ankles which is indicative of congestive heart failure (which is what my Mom had) . She is going to the dr tomorrow.

Today I yet again had my girlfriend and her husband (and kids) pick my son up to go to church with them. Good thing we all attend the same church, eh? It has been over 2 months since I've attended the Sunday service and about only 4 times since my Mom passed in April. I do go to the Wednesday evening classes for adults while my son goes to his youth group there and I do attend the once a month family movie night there but I just can't seem to bring myself to go to Sunday service right now! The last time I did go to Sun service I had a tremendous hot flash (yeah, I'm in that stage of my life too while going through grief at the same time!) and had to walk out of the service to go to the ladies room as I felt hot, half dizzy and like I was going to suffocate! (Happens with a real bad hot flash). Needless to say all eyes were on me when I walked out of the santuary during the talk (no doubt due to the fire red colour of my face and neck!) and it wasn't long before 4 other women were in the washroom asking me if I was ok then giving me advice re hot flashes and getting cold wet paper towels for me to cool down with. We all ended up spending the rest of the service in the rest room together and when we did come out when the service was over several well meaning men wanted to know it I was ok to which the women basically covered for me with lines like "Well you know how a group of women are when they meet each other in the bathroom." and so on. Then I went through a period where I was doubting God, then be angry at him over my Mom's death and so on. I am past that now but I just can't seem to get my butt in there on a Sunday morning yet. I think it could be related to the fact that my Mom died on a Sunday. Today when my son came home from church he told me that several of the ladies there were asking him where his Mommie was today and he told them "Well, I think she has a hard time on Sundays because her Mom , my Nana, died on a Sunday." (Out of the mouth of babes!) I think he hit the nail on the head so to speak. He said the ladies all told him to tell his Mommie that I am in their thoughts and prayers and to call them if I need to talk. I felt bad in a way that my son is being asked where his Mommie is ! Any advice or insight on how to get past this and get to church on Sundays? Love and hugs.