Mrs.G

My husband Larry was killed in an accident July 29,2009. I still cry everyday for him...He was the love of my life. I managed somehow in those early days to get bills paid...etc...but everything was a chore...and still today I take it a day at a time. I make myself a list and slowly get things done...then some days I cant get anything accomplished because I am in too much pain. My emotions are so unpredictable. I can be talking with someone on the phone or leave a store...and then here comes all the grief again...I want my husband back more than anything in this world., and I cant get him back...no amount of tears will bring him back to me. I have no choice...things have to be done and I am the only that can do them now. I remember crying so much I didnt have any more tears...then I just went numb...for a few days...then it would hit again. I still have numb days but not as often...I have often wondered myself how much can my body take...so much pain, tears, crying out to God...I think when it get to be too much we go numb...it gives the body and mind a break for a few days...then back to the tears. I only have hard crying days a few times a week now...compared to everyday for several months...so it gets better. I can talk about Larry without crying , so that it is good...just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...God bless you and I am so sorry for your loss.

Well almost everyone I know is a couple. I thought I would feel awkward, but it has actually been okay.I have made myself go places I dont want to..weddings, funeral, partys, lunch at the places we use to go with big groups of friends, outings with our church...I have made myself go to these because I knew if I avoided them, the pain would just get deeper. It hasnt been easy ..I have had times where I'm literally crying all day until an hour before I have to go...I just tell myself, I have to do this for my friends..just get myself together and go. I attended whatever it is, then cry all the way home because Larry isnt with me or he wont be there to greet me when I get home. I am Larry's wife and ..the world may not think that...but whose says I have to let the world tell me what I feel...He's up in heaven waiting for me... and I cant wait to see him again...

Hi Melina, I dont know how long it has been since the loss of your husband. I always remembered hearing that saying dont make any decisions for the first year. So when my husband died..I havent made any major changes in my life. I remember wanting to sell my horses...because it just seem like so much to cope with...walking out to water and fed them...but I would remind myself not to make any decisions I might regret. There are still times I feel so tired... maybe I should sell them....but Larry loved them too,and it gets me outside at least twice a day to move around get some sunshine on me. I miss my husband desperately...so I feel your pain. So sorry your day is not going so well...just know there are others that feel just like you...and understand what your going through. Seek the Lord as to what you should do...He will give you a direction and peace if you are to move elsewhere. No peace...dont move.... I am so glad that I found this forum last week. God bless you...

Hi Jennifer, I just went though my first year without the love of my life. He doted on me all the time... I wanted to withdraw from people, but thankfully my family and friends did not let me. I have to say that it will help to be around family and friends during all these first times without Mark. I decided to go ahead and be with my friends...because I knew I would be crying when I got home anyway. So that need to grieve would still be satisified...to acknowledge the deep loss in my life. God is not punishing you...even though it may feel like it right now. He has different plans for your life and my life even though we want our old life back.God is the only reason I feel like I am able to survive, knowing everything is in His hands. This is not the end for those who believe in Jesus, it is only the beginning. We will someday be reunited with them...that is my hope and joy...through this dark valley that I am walking through. God bless you...

Hi Darl, So very sorry for your loss. My husband sounds simliar to yours...I say the same things too..."he truly loved me for me...best friend...only man I have ever been in love with". We were married for 33 years. It has been a year and I still miss him every moment of the day. It seems impossible that they are gone out of our lives. It was hard to watch paper work coming in saying he had been deleted from our insurance etc...like he had never existed...the world system wants him gone..but we dont...we need them to be here...and they are not ...these are small thing that cause us extra pain as we grieve our losses. Most of this year I have been living in and out of fog and numbness... mostly in it...that is normal. There are many days that I can not stop crying...that is normal...somehow you will be able to keep on living, though it will feel like you are only existing...that too is normal....I am trying to take one day at a time...because if I dwell on my life without him in a longterm perspective...it is harder to want to go on...but we must...God has more for us to do...as time passes the intensity of pain will lessen...it is still there a year later, but we are able to handle it better. God bless you...

Hi Nick, I just went through the one year marker. It was very difficult for me. I actually wasnt expecting it to hit me as hard as it did. Larry's birthday was the following week...so it was a very painful time. I understand your feelings of not being enough...my husband told me all the time as I am sure yours did "what a wonderful wife I was"....but when your gieving all you can think of is the times you let them down...I think that is why Gods word say "to take every thought captive"...because we can drowned ourselves in guilt. With all the pain we are going through with our many losses that are asssociated with us not having our soulmates with us...we need to take our thoughts captive so not to inflict more pain on ourselves. I still have not fully accepted that he is not here with me on earth...though I live it everyday in this quiet home of ours....what I do look forward to is the day when I get to see him again....in the meantime I will try to be the servant God wants me to be, until my time here is finished. I dont know what I am suppose to do, but I am waiting on God's direction...I just wanted you to know you are not alone in all that you feel...God bless you...

I just had to say I agree so much about what you said, redwind...about the difference between a soulmate and a husband...my husband of 33 years who was killed in an accident a year ago, is my soulmate....

Hi Susavi...on July 29, 2009 I lost my husband that was my only love also. We married as teens and were married for 33 years. You will feel like your in a fog for the next several months...at least I did and still do... Larry and I had talked so many times about how much we loved each other and didnt want to be apart...praying that God would take us in the rapture so we would not have to be parted in death...I cried hard everyday for the first three and half months...and have cried everyday since...I recently went through the year marker and his birthday the following week...my heart is still broken...I cried so much last week and thought I would die of the heartbreak....but God is seeing me though this. One day at a time holding onto Jesus thats how I am making it...I have great friends and family support, but God is who gives me the strength to keep going. I miss my husband so much too... Your in my prayers....God bless you..

Hi Marion, I was married for 33 years....my husband Larry was 52 when he was killed last year....I agree with everyone else...giref is grief no matter how old we are or how much time we did or did not have with our loved one. I like you feel like half of me is gone...we were one as Gods words say...I am still Larrys wife....thats how I view myself even a year later...I just cant see myself any other way....but thank God someday I will be reunited with my other half just as you will.... and we will be together forver....God bless you... Debbie

Hi Korina....that is my sweet little granddaughters name.... Yes, I have comfort in knowing I will be reunited with Larry. That is my hope and joy that keeps me going and knowing that God has a master plan. I know that this time apart is a time for me to be growing more as a Christian and to help whoever God puts across my path. It has been so comforting in a strange way to find this forum and to see the same words I have spoken, but written by others. I started a journal a few weeks after Larry was killed and I am still writing in it at least every couple of days. It helps me to express the amount of pain I am in. There are really no words that can reach into our hearts and feel how deep the pain and loss are...but I know when I write how deep it is...and that helps me...I hope others will do the same if they are led to...take care and God bless you...

Hi Deb...I am on month 13...I love talking about my husband....close friends will tell me they dont know what to say to me. I tell them I understand and they dont have to say anything. I thought about trying to pretend,that he is still alive on this earth... but I knew it would make it much tougher on me to heal. I still cry...just about everyday...give yourself permission to grieve...thats what I did. I talk to God alot...always have, just more now....I go outside and sit in my lawn chair and talk and pray....the pain has not gone away yet...I miss him every moment of the day....but I am able to handle the pain better now...I am sure I have sounded like a broken record...saying the same things over and over...I cant believe hes gone...how can he be gone...this cant be real....not Larry...not Larry....over and over....the ones who love me and love Larry dont mind talking about him...they hurt for us and with us....they miss him too, but not to the extent that you and I miss our husbands....and they know that...everyone goes on with their lives while our lives, have stopped.......if they truly love you they will go through it with you...and I dont think anyone expects you to be over it at three months...I'm not over and will always love Larry with all my heart...He is my soulmate....take care...

Hi...I found this forum yesterday. Its been little over a year since my husband Larry was killed. We were married 33 years and have two children. We married as teens and were still very much in love with each other. He was such a Godly man...over and over that is what I hear from everyone that knew him, that they didnt know anyone as Godly as Larry...and I didnt either.He hasnt been forgotten which helps me...someone is always bringing his name up...sharing with other people what an impact he made on their lives. He was truly sold out to Jesus as I am also. I have made it through this with the strength that God gives me each day.I cried hard everyday for over three months...I often wondered how your body can keep crying so much and when does it stop. I still cry everyday...but not as hard...well except recently as I hit the year anniversary...and his birthday is the following week.He was only 52...so young ....butI know God has His reasons for taking him home....but it still hurts so much... I wasn't expecting to be grieiving like I did when he first died....but thats what I've been doing. He did everything for me...he wanted me taken care of... he loved me so much...somedays I feel so lost and alone...so much pain... but like I said God is getting me though this valley. Just wanted to share this with you all...God bless you...