jg2010

Anthony, I know how you feel. It's been 4 months since my mother died very suddenly. After 8 weeks I said the same words you did - I didn't see any end in sight to the pain. It felt like I had been kicked in the gut so hard that I couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, always felt like I was going to be sick. I felt like I was walking around in a total daze. Just a couple weeks ago I started feeling a little more like myself again, but the pain is still like nothing I've ever experienced before, and Thanksgiving really set me back. I thought I was okay on Thanksgiving itself, but then over the weekend I felt like it was all happening all over again. Sometimes waves of pain come over me that are so strong I feel like I can't possibly go on like this. People tell me to focus on what I'm grateful for - but nothing means too much without my mother here. I will say that one thing that's given me great comfort is learning how to talk to my mother. It was really hard at first, but I started by asking myself what she would say about any number of things that would happen throughout the day. I kept hearing her tell me that she'll always be with me and that my sister and brother and father are here for me. It's very bittersweet - comforting and painful at the same time. But now I'm feeling more like she is with me in whatever I do - actually, it feels great when I have something big going on and I feel like she's right there watching me. I also feel like she lives through me and that whatever I do is a reflection of her life, which motivates me to be the very best person I can be. If you feel up to it, it may help you to get out a little. I work part time and am in school, so that gets me out. At first it was really hard; it felt physically painful to even be around other people. That is getting easier and there are brief moments when I get preoccupied with something else and I don't notice the pain as much. If I had more time, I think it would help to do some volunteer work to help others in need. I may do something like that around Christmas. But don't try too much too soon. I get tired really easily, and then I'm even more consumed with pain. Just be really aware of your limits. Start slow and remember your mother is with you every step. I wish I could say there is an end to the pain, but I don't think there is. I think there's just a point (hopefully) where the darkness isn't quite so dark, it's not as hard to get moving throughout the day, and you are more aware of your mother living on inside you. There's really nothing anyone can say to make it easier, but I promise you you're not alone.

KJO – I have been struggling with the same kinds of things. The upcoming holidays will be my first without my mother and I’m dreading them. To make things worse, my father is already dating and I don’t know what I’ll do if he asks another woman to join us. But worse is all the regret I feel over every conversation I cut a little short because I had to be somewhere or all the opportunities I had to go have lunch with my mother that I didn’t take. My grandfather is 97 and I’ve been so careful to spend as much time with him as I could, but I had no idea it was my mother who I was going to lose first. I try really hard to trust that she knew how much I loved her and try not to dwell on all the missed opportunities because there’s nothing I can do about it now. But it’s so painful and it seems like I get stuck on it more and more as time goes by. All I can tell you is you’re not alone. We never know what’s going to happen, and I know our parents want us to live our own lives. It doesn’t mean you loved your mother any less. I hope it will be of some comfort for you to celebrate your holiday rituals and know she’s with you and try to focus on all the wonderful memories you had with her. I know this doesn’t make it easier, but like Butterfly says, we learn to live with it. We hate it and it always feels like there’s something missing, but I guess we just have to learn how to adjust and live our lives with the new reality. It helps me to imagine what my mother would say to me if she were here – both about this and about any number of the trivial things that happen throughout our lives. I know she would tell me she’s with me and she always will be. As painful as this is, I just have to believe that.

Ron B – I do hope to do something similar someday. We have her service on CD and did a slideshow of photos. Right now I can’t even think about listening to or looking at them, but I hope someday I can. I would like to listen to the service sometime because it was such a beautiful celebration of her life. I’m just not ready right now. One thing that helps is wearing one of her favorite sweaters. When I put it on, it really feels like her arms are around me comforting me, and that feels so good. Charlotte – I was actually the same way for the first few weeks after my mother’s death. It was a little different because she hadn’t been sick, and I can certainly understanding you being grateful that your mother isn’t suffering anymore. But even in my case, I was just too numb. The day I found out, and when we were planning her funeral, I had waves of violent emotion, but then wouldn’t feel anything at all. Then for about a month I was in such shock and I think my mind was protecting myself by not allowing me to think too much about the reality of it. I felt like I was sleeping walking through a lot of it, but I also kind of felt like a machine that was just going on auto pilot. By about the 5th week, which is when I first found this site, it really hit me. I still go through periods of total numbness now, but the emotion comes much more frequently and feels much more real. I’m not saying you will have the same experience. As you say, we all experience grief differently, and your situation was different. But I wouldn’t try to force anything. As painful as this is, I do feel like the stages I am going through are perfectly normal and to be expected, and I’m just going to have to experience them and do my best to stay strong. Just remember to be good to yourself and get the support you need whenever you need it. Another thing I’m having trouble with right now is that my best friend is having her first baby in a month. Her shower is in 1 week and I want to be there for her, but anything that focuses on motherhood makes me so emotional right now. I am happy for her and I certainly don’t want to make her feel bad about anything, but I can’t help thinking that I want my mother here and I want her to meet my children.

misswavy - I am also dreading the upcoming holidays without my mom. It seems like others are acting as though nothing has happened when I feel like the ground has just been pulled out from under me and nothing will ever be the same. My mother had such an inner strength and I'm trying really hard to hold on to that to keep going. I also appreciate this site and the support from everyone who knows how hard this is. Ron B - Thank you for your suggestion of letting my feelings surge in private. When I imagine myself doing that, I already feel some relief from all the pressure inside me that feels like it's going to explode. It's so important for me to maintain my composure around others, and I think if I allow myself to give in to my feelings in private, then they won't overwhelm me so much when I'm trying to concentrate on other things. I'm really good at always finding things I need to do and reasons why I can't let myself break down at any particular moment, but it does kind of haunt me throughout the day. My grief counselor suggested that I schedule 10 minutes this week at home to focus only on my mother's death and let all my feelings out. I'm really afraid that if I do that, I'll get totally lost and won't be able to regain control. But she suggested I use a timer and end after 10 minutes so that I'm not so worried that will happen. Of course, I haven't "found time" to do that yet, but I will before the week is out. Thanks for your support.

I'm having a similarly hard time with my dad. He's so heartbroken and at such a loss. I can hear it in his voice and it just kills me to think of him alone in that house every night. I feel like I can't cry or get emotional in front of him, but sometimes it's incredibly hard. I've been going to see him every weekend since my mom died, but it's getting rough. He lives 3 hours away and I just started my 2nd year of law school, which is really demanding. I'm just getting exhausted driving back and forth and worrying about him so much. One weekend my car had to go in the shop for repairs, and he actually asked me to rent a car and drive out (which I did). He doesn't want to see a counselor either, and I just don't know what to do to help him. He's asking me to do various things with him on the weekends, which I'm happy to do, but I'm worried that I won't be able to get everything done that I need to, and then my grades will suffer. I'll be there for him as much as I possibly can, but I'm afraid that still won't be enough. I just can't stand to see him in so much pain, especially when I'm in so much pain myself.

It's been almost 6 weeks since my mother died, and I'm at the point where people are expecting me to be "over it." I haven't much liked talking about it anyway, so it doesn't bother me that people no longer ask about it. But I'm having a hard time getting back into my normal routine of work and school. When I'm in the office or in class, or even just driving or sitting at home, my mind wanders and all I can think about is that my mother is no longer on this earth. Then I wonder how I can possibly focus on anything else with that knowledge. I know my mother would want me to move on with my life, but I don't know how I can do that without her here. I keep thinking about what her last night was like and whether she felt anything or knew what was coming. I can't get that out of my mind, or thinking about how she looked and talked, and all the plans we had for the fall, and how then she just went away without any warning. How can I forget about that and concentrate on anything else? It feels like a very essential part of my just disappeared and I don't know how to live without it.

I’m sure it’s always difficult to lose one’s mother no matter how it happens, but I do feel totally blindsided. Just over a month ago I had an energetic, healthy mother. But she was very spiritual and believed that God has a plan for everything, so I’m trying to accept that out of respect for her. I am just so grateful that she and I had resolved difficulties we had in the past and had established a great relationship. She had an inner strength and grace that was so remarkable and inspiring. I am very much like her and look a lot like her – when friends see pictures of her at my age, they actually think it’s me. So I’m trying to focus on the parts of her that are within me that I will always have. I am trying to express my feelings and find ways to take care of myself. Journaling is a good idea, and the grief counselor is helping. Ive always coped with stress by drowning myself in work (just like my dad). I'm also so worried about my father and grandfather that I feel like I need to stay strong for them. I’m a rather private and reclusive person, and it's really easy for me to just shut down emotionally. In fact, I often have a panic attack when I try to focus on what I'm actually feeling. But I’m afraid that if I keep on going like that, things will just snowball. I’m really afraid of getting stuck and I really want to figure out how to keep moving forward with the strength my mother gave me. Anyway, there’s nothing anyone can say that will make this easier, but it does help to be able to express my thoughts here, where I know that no one will criticize me or think I’m crazy. It’s a huge comfort to know that everyone here has gone through this, though I’m sorry that we’ve all had to. Big thanks and hugs to everyone, Janet

Hi Kansas, I'm so sorry for your loss. You asked if anyone else feels guilty for not doing more. I have felt that way a lot since I lost my mother. I wonder why I wasn't more patient in listening to her long-winded stories, I feel terrible that I was so concerned with spending time with my 97-year old grandfather (my mother's father) when it was my mother's life that ended so soon, I hate myself for not telling her I loved her the last time I saw her. She gave me so much and I feel like I didn't give her enough in return. She was such a fantastic mother, and much of who I am today is because of that. I just have to believe that she knew how much she meant to me through all of the little things we did. If she were here, I'm sure that's what she would tell me, and I'm sure it's what your mother would tell you. Take care, Janet

I lost my mother one month ago very suddenly and unexpectedly. She had "routine" hernia surgery and was supposed to go home by the end of that week. Then I got a call early one morning that she had a blood clot that went to her heart and she died instantly. She was only 63. My family is all devastated. I talked to her several times a week and she was always the first person I called with any news, or if I was just bored and wanted to talk to someone. I'm 32 and in law school, and I can't believe she's not going to see me graduate or get married or have children. I've been in complete shock for the past month and it's seemed like she was just away somewhere and would be back soon. The reality is now sinking in that she is not coming back and it’s so hard to accept this new reality. My feelings change quickly – from total numbness to disbelief to overwhelming sadness to anger. I have always been the caretaker in the family and the problem solver, and I feel like I’m going crazy because I don’t know what to do. I get these feelings and sometimes I don’t even know what they are and I just don’t know how to deal with them. So far, I’ve been coping mostly by focusing on my father and helping him get through this. But it sneaks up on me at work or in class, and I just don’t know how to deal with it in those moments. I also sometimes feel a panic that I can’t feel my mother around me, and I want to so badly. I know my family will get through this together, and we’ve been a great support to each other. But it’s just so painful right now. And I’m getting so tired of people at work or people who don’t really know me asking me how I’m doing. How do they think I’m doing?! That just brings another wave of emotion over me. I just started seeing a grief counselor through Hospice, which has been a huge help already. But my biggest challenge is taking care of myself instead of worrying about everyone else, and I really don’t know how to do that. I’m sure many people here have experienced what I’m experiencing, so any tips on things to do to get through the really tough moments would be appreciated.