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Darl

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Everything posted by Darl

  1. Thank you, this site gives me strength. Darl
  2. It has been 9 month since Jim died and I am feeling lost and lonley. I went to Laughlin Nevada with my daughter and grandaughter over the week-end. When Jim and I went there 2 years ago we talked about coming back with the camper, picked out the places we would stay and the things we would see. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after that trip so we never got to go back together. Walking around with a grandson he never saw, going to the same places, I can't even describe the feelings of nothingness that I had. So many people around and it was as if I was walking alone. The friends we had together have pretty much disappeared, the ones still here think I should be fine by now. I am not fine, I miss the sharing of things we did, or what happened during the day. Now, I can just sit for hours and stare at nothing. I am better than I was 9 months ago but I feel like I am in limbo and this is going to be the rest of my life. Darl
  3. Melina, May 17 is a first birthday for me without Jim, he fought cancer for a year and 8 months, died on Aug 16, 2010. You would think that for someone being sick that long, I should have expected it but I didn't. It is 3 am, I cannot sleep, and a wave of grief has overtaken me. I will think of you during the day and know I am nolt alone. You are in my prayers. Darl
  4. Sharon, My husband died on August 16,2010 and my only grandaughter had a beautiful baby boy on Dec.18, 2010. I can understand every feeling that you are having. I hated hearing He has already seen him in heaven and every other comment that was supposed to make me feel good. This was our first great grandchild and we were supposed to see him together but that just did not happen. The baby is beautiful and I love him dearly but sure wish his grandpa would have been here for this happy event. Don't be afraid of your feelings, tears will come at the oddest times, just let them. and they sure will come when you hold the baby. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, congratulations. Darl
  5. Dimci, I like your idea of having his wedding ring into the form of a heart I have Jim's thumbprint that I wear all the time but I think I would like the heart with ashes, especially when I am out of town at my daughters. At this point in our lives nothing you do is crazy, if it gives you comfort wear it. Darl
  6. Aquarius7 After reading all that you are going thru I have decided that since I need to make a new will since my husband died and my daughter lives with me I will be sure to put in it that she cannot be forced to leave the house for 4 months or until the house is sold. She has done so much to help me and hopefully this will give her time to get settled. I hope things start going better for you.
  7. I needed to empty the camper out, got one seat storage unit done with a few tears and when I went to do the other one I found a fly swatter Jim had bought when we were in Nashville. He loved Elvis. I started crying, sobbing, hyperventilating and can't stop. I tried thinking about happy things we did but all that does is make me think of the things we will never do together. My Dr. started me on Lexapro, I took them for 3 days but they made me very nauseaous so I quit, did not take one last night. I need to take some papers to his Dr's office for insurance and a couple of other errands. I can't stop crying or get myself started. Darl
  8. It is just like the TV program "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader" And it seems like No, I am not. I woke up at 2 a.m., it is now noon and I have done nothing but sit, when I start to do something I forget what it was I started. Tomorrow it will be a month since my husband died. The 2 weeks before he died each time the minister would come he would say he was not afraid to die but he was worried about me. When he went to Hospice I don't know what I was thinking. I thought he would come home, he always got better every other time. I know he would not want me to be feeling this way but I miss him, I miss his comfort, I miss him putting up with me, I miss making his coffee in the morning, I miss being with him. All I can do today is cry and hope tomorrow I can pretend and show a happy face to my family. Darl
  9. Jennifer my husband died August 16, 2010 and I am so not ready to do anything with his things. When he was cremated I had 4 small containers and the one main one done. Three of the small ones went to each of my children, the main one I am keeping and the last smaller one was taken to be put next to his father in another state, that is what he wanted. My son told me it would be a comfort to him to have his dad with him. Keep everything as long as you need and don't blame yourself for anything that you keep thinking. You are in my prayers.
  10. When Jim was so sick from his cancer he said he was useless so I gave him the job of folding towels and putting silverware away when dishwasher was done. Dishes were done 3 days ago, container with silverware has been sitting on the counter and I just now put them away. I cannot stop crying, I don't know what to do, I am literally walking in circles. Also when I took him to Hospice House I took his cell phone for him. He hadn't been able to remember how to dial it but he wanted it with him all the time for when the kids called him. I lost it, don't know if it was left at Hospice House or brought home but I cannot find it. It has been turned off but that is now what is so upsetting, it was the last thing that he was always holding and I lost it just like I lost him. No one has been with me for the past 3 days and I am glad because I don't want anyone around me right now. I have been sobbing since 5:00 a.m. I don't know how you all have managed to get thru this, I don't think I can make it without him. We did everything together, I am so glad that we never waited until I retired, it never would have happened. He had a massive heart attack in 1995 and went on disability, even though I was working we went camping for 1 week-end every month. Had not camped for the last year, never sold the trailer because it would have made him give up hope. We were married 47 years, I miss him so much. Darlene
  11. Hi, tell your mom about your wonderful memory, it helps so much to know he is not forgotten. My son called me to tell me his phone rang early in the morning and he wondered what the heck dad wanted this early, then he remembered dad had died and would not be calling him any more. When he told me it made me realize that my childrens loss for their father is as painful for them as it is for me. It is good to talk about how much he was loved. Darl
  12. Melina, My husband died 18 days ago, some days I can function and other days I am a mess. When I went to the doctor (the appointment was for something unrelated but I could not stop crying while I was there) he gave me xanax. I too am not a pill taker but on the really bad days, when I can't stop sobbing I will take one, I too do not want any problems with being dependent. On a day I was exceptionally bad and had to talk to my husbands oncologist nurse she advised me to take them for a short while. I already can't remember anything I am doing so certainly don't want a pill adding to the problem, but on the days that I am crossing over to the point of hysteria I will take one. I still cry butit is not out of control. I find great comfort in this group, it is here when I need it, no one criticizes, they just give me hope that each day I will feel a little less numb. Darl
  13. My husband was a hospice patient for quite a while before he passed on. He stayed at home and they provided wonderful care coming to the house and when he would have a bad spell they would come out immediately. I don't know how bad your mother is but it might be a possibility that she could stay home until you could no longer take care of her. He was fine when he went to bed Satirdau night, did not wake up on Sunday so was taken to Hospice House and died Monday night. My heart goes out to you on this decision. A nurse will come to your house to evaluate your mom and help you decide. I don't know how I would have made it without Hospice, the social worker, nurses, minister and the wonderful care they gave him, especially keeping his pain under control. Best of luck to you and your family Darlene Diagnosed lung cancer Oct. 15, 2008 Died Aug 16, 2010
  14. Fri, Sat and Sunday was supposed to be a respite, I was going to a scrapbooking week-end and Jim was supposed to go to Hospice House for the 3 days so I wouldn't have to worry about him. It did not happen that way, he died the week before. My daughter made me go with her, it was supposed to be good for me. I cried a lot, was hard to pretend to be happy. Coming home was the worst, he was supposed to be here and wasn't. I can't remember anything, lost my glasses, don't know what day it is. We would have been married 47 years in November. Today I feel exhausted, I would like to sleep for a week, wake up and have this all be over. Half the fun of doing something was sharing it with him and he is not here any more to share, I miss him so much. Darl
  15. We have been married for 43 years, he battled cancer for 1 year and 10 months. Saturday my daughter came to Florida from Arizona, we went to the beach, pushed him in his wheelchair out to the pier, he ate pizza, had a beer, bought my other daughter fudge, came home and went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and never waked up. On Sunday I called Hope Hospice, they came out to evaluate him and decided it was time to take him to Hospice House. He only had a couple of times he was coherant. He died at 9:30 p.m. Monday. I can't help but wonder if I should have taken him to the hospital first. He had lung cancer, metastasized to his brain, back and his liver. He never believed he was sick until 2 weeks ago when at night in bed while he was holding me he said "I think I am dieing" I know he was waiting for our daughter to get here. Our son did not arrive untill the next day. I can't believe a friend told me "it was expected, you need to get on with your life" He was only dead 3 days, I have lived with him for 43 years, what were they thinking. I can hardly stand to be in the bedroom. He had a hospital bed which Hospice picked up so all that is in there is a twin bed for me to sleep on. It hurts so bad not having him here. He was the only person that truly loved me for me, he was my best friend, he encouraged me if I tried something new, he was a good husband and loved his children. Today the Funeral Home called to say to pick up the ashes and the death certificates. My daughter who lives in FL will bring them to me tomorrow, I don't know how I will stand it. I can't stop crying, I am numb. Darl
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