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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

faith

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  • Date of Death
    June 18, 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of Dayton, Dayton, Ohio USA (at home)
  1. Melina, when i think back on those last days well the last few weeks of his life i feel the guilt also. U know we had to be under tremendous stress and had been up and down and a roller coaster life and death all the time and it was like that with me for years. He died june 18th he was still driving around June 1st or so barely making it to the store barely dragging around if somebody saw him or called he would always say im doing good im doing fine people had no idea how bad off he was and i got tired of trying to make his sisters see they lived in another state and only came and seen him maybe 3 times during that terminal diagnosis for a year and a half. I wrote and begged and tried to make them see they needed to come see him or call him more but anyway getting back to the guilt. I realize now what was going on but at the time i had no idea. He was withdrawing from me and the dogs. He stopped talking to me and hung his head and wouldnt pet the dogs and i didnt understand what he was doing i kept trying to talk to him and he wouldnt answer etc so what do i do i said why do u keep hanging that head!!! whats srong with u!! and he looked at me with such pain in his eyes i could have crawled under a rock. melina there is no way we could have known i think we (caretaker/spouse) had been so traumatized and like immune to thinking "this is it" for that long that i know i didnt see it when it was right in my face that he was dying i didnt see the stages or anything. he endedup going hallucinating (potassium went sky high) i called an ambulance he straightened up enough to send them away so i slept with one eye open for 2 days till i talked him into going got his sisters to finally come up here and help me take him tot he er. anyway while he was in there my body broke down i couldnt walk in that hospital my back/arthritis/ and just the plain stress. we had not had hospice before or anything so i arranged for a hospital bed at home and hospice care etc but what im getting to is that while his sisters were up here and his friend flew in from tx i didnt spend the time at the hospital with him like i should have. I let other people be with him and they told me he was like looking for me and would light up when i called etc. that breaks my heart!! hospice and pallative care was coming in teling him things like giving him time frame 2 months etc while i wasnt there. I should have been there with him and it kills me now that i wasnt. I was home getting everything ready for him to come home and also i just thought i would get a small break and let the others be with him more at the hospital. If i had known he would only live 4 days after he got home i would have been at that hospital 24/7 and been right there with him too. But how would we have known? Been thru so much been told he had 6 months to live 4 times i guess i never did really accept he was going to die. When hospice came here it was the hardest thing i had ever done to turn around after i had been trying to keep him alive for 5 years to be told dont try to get him to eat dont worry about measuring his sugar al that i dont think i ever accepted he was going to die until he did and i think he kept fighting too till the end. if i ahd been at that hospital maye we would have sat down with hospice together and had accepted it and talked about it together i dont know. Maybe i realy screwed that up i dont know. U know most likely we would have not listened to them and tried to keep fighting thats the way we did it all those years and believe me if we had give up all the times they told us he would have died 5 years earlier. So i just dont know. sure i made mistakes but one thing i do know is i loved him with all my heart and soul i was not perfect far from it but i really really did my best to prop him up encourage him and thats the way we did it. that was us. all the maybes in the world isnt going to change it now. I really feel traumatized. I know my mind had to be messed up at times but isnt everybodys when they go thru something this awful? I know one thing though i did grow close to God and so did Stevie and im so grateful for that. And during all this time i hae seen God move more than i have ever in my life. I have been blessed with so many acts of kindness from people during this time. I truely believe that God sends the people u need when u need them. I lost a few friends along the way and i was blessed with new friendships along the way. I dont know i think its goin to take a long time to adjust to life without him here. Just one day at a time and i pray to just let go of all those what ifs and maybes its not going to change or help anythig to dwell on it. I think it would have all turned out the same anyway i think he died the day he was suposed to no matter what i would have done i truely believe that. One thing that stands out in my mind is everybody was kind of hanging in the lviing room and him propped up on the couch (he wanted on that couch every day when he got home he would not stay in the hospital bed) but i was letting his sisers and some ofhis friends kind of hang wih him while i was outside wel i came in and nobody was on the couch and i came over and kissed him and told him i loved him he grabbed a hold of me and hugged on me for dear life for 20 minutes evrybody ran out of the room he was breathing u know the rattle but i ll never forget that i treasure that moment i think that was his way of telling me how much he loved me he wasnt a real affectionite person u know all the time so i guess thats what makes that stand out to me but i know it was something very significant i never felt more loved in my life. I know it sounds tragic and sad but it was the most beautiful moment of my life. Well sorry im just rambling its only been a couple of months , im lonely im in pain and i just need to let this out. thanks for being there and listening. Faith
  2. Hi everyone im new. I lost stevie june 18, 2010, a couple months ago. I too feel the guilt. Stevie was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2005 actually got a liver transplant in 2006. The cancer came back a year and a half ago, it was liver cancer that came back in his lung not his new liver. So as u can imagine it was a roller coaster ride. He fought so hard to live and was such a strong person. Everything is still raw right now with me. I lost my whole family 2 brothers and my mom and dad before i even met stevie 14 years ago so he was really my whole world. We have no children and i have no family but i am blessed with some really good friends that have been very supportive as right now my body is really broke down (sciatica back problems etc) i didnt take care of myself as i should have the past 5 years i have focused all energy on him. Anyway the guilt thing man i know how that feels. I keep going over every thing i did or said wrong or wondered if i should have done this or that different etc. Its such a long story. I was his only caretaker and also held down a full time job. i feel very traumatized right now and this stressful situation had been going on for so long. I remember the wrong things i said or did but i must try to remember that i did everything that i was capable of doing for him at the time. I think we must remember if it was the other way around if we were the ones they were taking care of would we want them to keep suffering and going over and over in their minds the times that they thought or knew they had lost their temper or said the wrong thing or could have changed the outcome someway? No i wouldnt wish that for him i would want him to forgive himself and realize that he did the best he could under the circumstances and to let it go and forgive himself for whatever injustice he thought he did in his mind. Im glad i found this site. I know i really need the support and understanding right now. Thanks, Faith
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