Jennalee

Oh honey! I'm so, so, so sorry. Your story hit home with me. I lost my 29 year old husband on the exact same day, August 21st. I HATE THAT DAY! It was a motorcycle accident. Ajay just loved his stupid motorcycle!! I'm just now getting info from the police that it wasn't Ajay's fault. Someone else ran a red light. Not that this changes the outcome, but it makes me feel a tad bit better. We had no children and I'm not pregnant, so I can't even begin to know everything you're going through. Just know I care a ton! Y'all are a beautiful couple, btw!!

I'm so sorry Perkins. My loss is still too fresh (3 weeks) to know where I'll be in another month or so. I do have several family members who have sworn to me that they will hear me out whenever I need to talk about Ajay. I hope you have at least one or two people you can confide in in this manner. I also would LOVE to fast forward through the next six months. Heck, even the next year! I can definitely relate!

Melina, I know this is hard and I'm so sorry. We're not lonely for people, are we? We're lonely for our husbands!!! Still, when I feel that horrid loneliness creeping in, I reach out for company. I invite someone over to watch a movie with me or I just go to their house. It helps. Just a tiny bit but it's better than being super alone. I also think you should start talking to your husband. You might not believe it, but it does bring some relief. I talk to Ajay a lot. Mostly in the car but sometimes at home or even when I'm walking my dog. I also write him letters in my journal. And some days I'll just ask God to tell Ajay this or let him know that. It keeps me sane.

I'm so glad this has you feeling close to him. Dreams are hard for me. I'm starting to dream about Ajay and last night I was stroking his arm like I used to when he held me nice and tight. I wish I never had to wake up from dreams like that!

Oh thank God! There is hope after all! Only a few hours after I posted this, mother nature kicked in as I suspected (sorry boys!) and the hurricane gradually lifted over the course of the evening. I'm still sad, lonely and depressed of course, but it's not anywhere near that gut-wrenching, near suicidal sorrow that had me in the absolute depths for the last few days. It seems this was hormonal and if that's the case, I'll take it cause that means it does let up a bit. Honestly, I'm a tiny bit sad that I'm definitely NOT pregnant cause part of me would have loved to have seen a part of Ajay live on, however, in my heart I know that would have just been too hard for me to handle. Gosh I miss him though. I can almost hear him say, "See! I told you it was woman things!" and that does make me smile.

I'm having a horrible day. I'm just in the pit of despair right now. I do suspect part of it could be hormonal due to the time of the month, but I'm not sure. Even so, that doesn't make it feel any better. My heart has been really hurting all day, more so than usual. I'm tired and weepy and feel like a hurricane of grief is just bearing down on me right now. I called an old friend hoping for some comfort and she suggested that I'm just now feeling the full extent of my grief and I may feel this horrible for the next few months. Boy am I sorry I made that call! She's never lost anyone close to her so I guess I should take her "comfort" with a grain of salt. I sincerely hope this pain lets up, even just a little, within the next couple of days cause I'm not sure how I'm going to stand it.

That was a beautiful poem. It made me cry, but in an okay way. I journal off and on, or I just talk out loud to Ajay throughout the day. Per all the grieving books this type of thing is very good for us and will help us heal faster in the long run. I hope so.

Wow, today has been rough, but I was able to find some positive in it. My single neighbor, who has been a godsend in all this, just reassured me for probably the fifteenth time that I am welcome part of her home anytime. Her adult son recently moved out and she gets very lonely too. I'm still sure not to overstay my welcome, cause I think it's important for me not to start completely avoiding time alone cause that's just part of grieving and I have to go through it. But still, it's such a comfort to know she's right next door. She works Mon - Fri but is home during the weekends which is good cause weekends are the hardest.

I think by listening to, understanding, and supporting your son, you're doing everything right. I'm so sorry, I know it's painful and unfair that you're doing this alone, but I really do think you are just being a wonderful mom to your son.

My something positive for today is that I had a nice lunch with my aunt and a fun evening with my neighbor and a good friend. Today was not emotionally fun in the morning but I felt a lot better seeing my family and friends rush in when I hadn't even asked. God has a way of making the phone ring when all I've done is glance at it in despair.

Redwind, I can't help wondering if there isn't some local church or community center that might be able to put you in touch with a sort of adoptive family. Before I lost Ajay, we were planning to move several states away next summer. This meant that I would be hundreds of miles away from all family. I immediately contacted a few local churches and found a one that knew of a few people who were also far from family and lonely who were interested in something similar. Basically I could "adopt" a parent around the same age as my own parents and of course it worked the same way for them only in reverse. You'd have to proceed with caution of course, but I guess if each party got along well, it might be somewhat helpful. Maybe some decent (non-partying) college students might be interested too. I remember being far away in college just wishing I had a "rental" mom or dad I could hang out with on the weekends. I was terribly homesick at times. The college campus did provide that very service and it worked very well, I just didn't learn about it until I was too close to graduation. I'm sorry, I realize this is not near the same as having family around, but I just wanted to share it in case anyone might want to think about it further or see if such a program might exist in their community.

My sleep used to be my solace but now I keep having the most frustrating reoccurring dream. I dream that Ajay is just injured from his motorcycle accident and that there is still hope. I dream of myself praying my heart out by his bedside for his recovery and my heart seems to well with hope. Then either when I wake up or just before, I realize that he was killed instantly in the accident and he's gone and there is no hope of him coming back. It's painful. I hope maybe someday my dreams can be more of a comfort like yours. A few days after the accident I did dream that he was holding me and that actually comforted me and was not painful. Hopefully in time most of my dreams about Ajay will be less frustrating and more peaceful.

I found these on the web from the following article. Not sure if it will apply to all of us, but maybe a few of us can benefit. Much care to all of you! http://ezinearticles.com/?Effective-Tips-to-Grief-Recovery&id=2261916 Grief and loss recovery requires no method or order. It really depends on the individual, their social background or environment, their emotional strength at the time of their loved one's passing and it also depends on how they died or what kind of grief. So here we have some sensible ideas of grief recovery which can help or support in some way to get you past some of the hurt and anguish and on your way into grief and loss recovery. 1. If ever you live all by yourself, try taking into consideration getting a pet, but also bear in mind that having a person with you at home helps in breaking the silence. When considering this, make sure that you're prepared for company again and take care of the pet also. 2. Grief recovery is more effective if you try talking with many people you're comfy and at ease talking to particularly with somebody who empathize with your situation and a good listener truly helps. 3. I discovered that some persons are not comfortable enough being around an individual who lost a loved one and quite often don't know what to say. That's why you also have to let other people know how you like to be approached. If you want more warmth and compassion, say so. However, if you also want them to leave you alone, you could let them know in a gentle way. There's no way people would be able to know unless you say so. 4. And if you feel like doing it, visit your departed loved one's graveside. You could cry your heart out if you have to, and do not feel at fault about anything. Try talking to the grave, although you know that he or she will not be able to hear you-it can still be a curative process. 5. For grief recovery to be efficient, aim to do at least a single thing every day. At this moment in your life, you feel the low energy, so it's highly significant to do anything just to elevate your energy. And take note that it doesn't have to be really that hard. One way or another, the beauty of nature gives a sense of calm and serenity. So take a walk outdoors and take time just to be thankful for all the beautiful stuff around you. 6. By writing a letter to your departed loved one, grief recovery will be easier. Let them know they're very much missed and what has been happening ever since they've been gone. Let them know also how you feel about them not being around anymore. Tell them all those things you hoped you had said whilst they're still living. 7. The road to grief recovery do not mean being self-reliant through and through. Aim to reach out and mingle with like-minded persons who are also enthusiastic and ready to give you a helping hand in any way that they can. Most especially if you live alone, strive to form friendly relationships and connections to let you get back into reality. There are just way too many ideas when it comes to grief recovery aside from those given above. Just bear in mind that we all have our own styles and time frame when it comes to dealing with our own grief.

Okay, this may seem kind of silly, but all I can say is that it works extremely well, both for me and those I've told. Doing math problems will really help kill any kind of anxiety or panic attack. It may seem ridiculous, but it works and I HATE math. I've read that it has to do with kind of switching from the emotional side of your brain to the logical side so your emotions are kind of dulled for a bit. Immediately after the doctor told me Ajay was gone, I was in this tiny ER private waiting room doing problems like 27 X 34 or 73 X 56. Just difficult enough to make me think but not hard enough to push me over the edge. My family probably thought I was insane, but it's the only think I could do to calm myself so I did not lose my mind in a waive of panic. I still have not yet had a panic attack since his loss and I firmly believe it's this method that is preventing them. I just break out a pen and paper when I start feeling that horrid anxiety creeping in. I should also add that while in the car where I can't just write down problems, I recite my multiplication tables and that helps somewhat. I'm not sure if that will work for you, but I just wanted to pass it on. Big hugs to you!

Good points from all. I'm personally not trying to be healed already at two weeks as that's just not even a remote possibility. I think I was just getting pretty discouraged that some people don't seem to be seeing much progress at all even after a year or two years. That doesn't seem very promising. No one is to blame for how they feel no matter what stage they're at, and if they need support, they should most definitely be posting. I guess I was just hoping there are some people who have recovered somewhat after a year or two years. I'm seeing that this is the case the more people post with their uplifting stories of survival.

Swimming with the dolphins and enjoying the beauty of a tropical reef is a HUGE positive!! (I just spotted the photo, that's amazing!! Way to go Nats!) It's also great to see others finding small moments of solace. My something positive for today is that my dog and I had a very peaceful afternoon, just the two of us, puppy & Mommy, out in my neighbor's backyard. My sweet, single neighbor has kindly offered me it's use anytime I need even though she works during the day. (My backyard is super small and I have no patio furniture.) Sitting out in her bright yard gave me a few ideas on what I'd like to change about my home. I'd definitely like to hire someone to trim some trees in the front to let in more sunshine, and paint the dining room a brighter, happier color than the dark brown the previous owners chose. I suppose I might also get some comfortable patio furniture for the back as well, and maybe put up a short fence. Just tall enough to keep my Maltese in. Right now the thought of actually carrying out any of these plans seems too overwhelming makes me kind of tired, but at least I'm thinking of them. This means I'm starting to show just a small bit of interest in my future. I suppose that's fairly exciting, considering how dark it's felt lately. I'm just trying to take these small moments of promise and treasure them. I also hope they will start becoming more and more frequent over time. Would love to hear more positives from today or anytime this past week!

MZM, my heart aches for you. All I can offer is that wherever you go, there you are. Meaning that running away will not take the grief away. I'm sorry, I'm sure that's kind of harsh and I don't mean it to be. I'd just rather you be prepared. I could go to the finest resort in the Caribbean right now but it's not going to bring Ajay back. My surroundings may change, but the condition of my heart doesn't. I'd suggest weighing the pros and cons of a possible move. If you're moving only to get away from the pain, you might want to reconsider. In fact, pushing through the pain is what can help lead to a faster recovery, at least, from what I'm reading. In the end, only you can decide what's right, just be prepared that as unfair as it is, the pain will only follow you. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you know that whatever you decide, we'll support you 100%!!!

It's a great song. Always got me a little teary eyed even before Ajay died. I think it will be a bit before I can listen to it again, but it should be a great solace when I do. Thank You.

I will wear my ring until it's time to move on. I'm not sure when that will be, but when the time comes, I'm sure I'll know. In the meantime, that ring is on my finger, not forever maybe, but for right now, and I love it. BW, I'm SO GLAD you found your ring!! If you haven't already, you should go ahead and post it in the "Something Positive" thread.

Gosh, I know, Honey! I think I just managed to make it through an extended weekend myself, with the help of friends and family. YEA! Well, not that the weekdays are much better, but at least I'm used to being alone every weekday cause Ajay had to work. We'll get there, MZM, it'll take time, but we really will.

Oh Melina, I must confess, my relationship was not perfect either. Ajay and I experienced MAJOR culture clash and at times he would just yell and yell and I would be sobbing in the bedroom. We were far from perfect. Would I give absolutely everything in me to have him back? In a heartbeat!!! But I'm realizing that's just not possible. But we were most definitely not perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I hope that makes you feel your relationship was more normal than you realized. Much love to you!

It's really hard to add something positive for today cause it didn't feel really positive, but I did find something. I managed to watch two movies at home without being too distracted. That's something cause it's been really hard for me to focus on even a 20 minute TV show. I'm sure tomorrow I'll find something else positive. Each day holds a little treasure we must find and relish in I guess.

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I want to thank both Dusky and Nats for responding. Both of you have given me hope for moving forward. I will most definitely be looking into your website, Dusky. I know my grief is so very fresh, and I know I have a long road ahead, but just seeing those who have been there before me and are doing okay now helps a lot. Thank you so much!!

I'm so sorry to be such a downer, but I keep reading these threads of people struggling so much even several months after their loss. I'm only 31 and lost my husband of two years (together a total of 5 years) in a motorcycle accident two weeks ago. I thought if I could just get through this next year or so I'd have a lot to live for. But I'm just not seeing it based on the posts I'm reading here. If none of us are going to get any better, then I really feel like I have absolutely no reason to go on. If you have a positive recovery story, please post it. I really need to hear the positive right now or I'm afraid I'll just drown in the sorrow we all have to face each day.