Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

MZM

Contributor
  • Posts

    101
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    25 July 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    South Africa
  1. Hi Kayc I know it has been a while since Ive been on. Just wanted to say George would be proud of you - so many years later you use your grief to help others... Hope you are feeling better today. Will never forget my friends from this site.
  2. JKC you will go through these ups and downs alot especially in the first year...It will still feel like just yesterday. Sometimes you will cry, in vain, cry to the walls....its all part of the healing. It does get better and when the times are tough, we're all here.... LThere are many great people on this site Kayc for one... Love and peace to all MZM
  3. Melina, when i first found this site, before joining, i read all the posts that helped me. If this site was a members only, no one would see the love and bond we all have. We wouldnt see how caring everyone is and how much we have in common... Use a different name, different country, but dont leave... Lotsa love and to all on the site MZM
  4. Hello All I received a wonderful email from Cheryl and it made me realise how much i missed you all and how grateful ive been to have had each of you holding my hand through that most difficult time of my life. This forum saved me on so many days! Now nearly 2 years later, after my recovery break in the US (8 months), i am back in South Africa, healed (mostly - as i do from time to time become overly sensitive, think of him when things go wrong etc) and living life again. Ive met someone, the one that stuck around and wiped my tears. Mr Mcdreamy as I would call him. The most amazing person in this world. Love is possible again... My message to those who are grieving. TIME. Its the most important aspect of your healing. In this forum everyone always told me that, and they we're right. There will be many ups and downs, but the downs will lessen as you go through the journey and time has passed. The friends i made here and the true friends here in SA, helped me through the downs. Hope everyone is doing well...wish you peace during your pain... Lots of love MZM
  5. Hello all and hello to my friends! Well im back in South Africa now, after i "ran away" to the USA for 9 months. I must say, that time away, in the end, was the best thing for me. I didnt have to face all the physical memories here, but instead it gave me time to deal with and focus on the memories that were in my mind and how i just had to let them be and let the time pass. Ive come a long way from the days of wishing God would just take me away n those horrible days of screaming n crying at the walls since my zubeir left in July last year:( I remember how even 3 months ago i woke up screaming and crying in the middle of the night and how, when i met someone just 7 months after zubeirs passing, I would cry badly if they hurt me and out of disappointment that they were nothing like him and would feel like i was going to be alone forever. There were always and are always moments in each day that make me think of him n miss him and that little stab in the heart that makes you realise, that you WILL never be the same again... I miss his voice, miss the things he used to say, and miss the fact that he was on this earth:( Even though I have come a long way, I now take no one for granted! Its been up and down...facing the memories, although easier now that i had a break from them for 9 months, can take you out of whatever it is that you're doing... Well...i recently met someone....he is my best friend and was the one that whiped my tears from about 6 months ago...he was always there unconditionally and it took me until 2 months ago to realise that I do not want to let him go... So here i am, after 1 year 2 months...almost a year of being through HELL, but one things for sure...time does heal...love u always zubeir...
  6. My dear friends! I have missed u all sooo much! I came back to this site, because I knew that this is the one place that i can come to and find my friends who truly truly understand. The whole idea of being in another country has now lost its novelty...even though i absolutely love it here. The life i am leading now feels like a lie. Yes its reality, but i know Im running! Im dying inside every day and its just getting worse!I dream of zubeir every night and im miserable in the mornings. I get sad more often now..and i quicky get busy to forget... Cheryl, ofcourse i remember you my lov...both having lost our loved ones in accidents...I still cant accept how we just didnt get a goodbye or a warning. Kayc, i hope u dont mind but i have always thought of u like my mom....and lainey, missed u soooo much too! You are all so right in that i pushed my grief aside. Im sufffering lately, especially becaused i tried to ignore it for so long... Right now im crying coz all the memories are hitting me. I remember our camping trips and his voice is in my head! The new guy...you're right he is sweet and wonderful in his own way. Hes showed me hope and I will forever be grateful to him. But thats over now...We both want different things and Im better off being alone for a while. Really missed this site. How are u all doing?
  7. I last posted in November last year. Hope u all remember me....but just to refresh all my wonderful friends memories, not so long ago (july 25th 2010) I lost my fiance and bro in law and two friends in a car accident... I went through hell and back after losing the love of my life who i wouldve now been married to. Im 29 years old. We were together for almost 4 years and since the accident, my whole world fell apart. I left South Africa in November, to start afresh and get away from the memories... In South Africa, I was the head of my department at work, a 28 year old who spent lots of time in meetings, board meetings etc... I moved to the United States, on a H2B visa with a bunch of other people/south africans, all contracted for one year... This life has SAVED me!! Ive met so many new friends, south african, american, south american...all on the same visa, who applied for the same jobs at the same hotel. We're 150 south africans, working at Marriot Group hotels doing beach serving jobs, bartending etc. I am a hostess at one of the restaurants in the hotel and i love it. I see new people everyday. go back to my apartmnt that I share with other south africans and my sister....and all 150 of us live with americans and south americans in this huge apartment park. When we get off work, we all relax with each other and when we get days off, we go out exploring america. We cook together, look after each other etc... This place is a dream and my version of the simple life. BUT. Even though since i have been here i have only cried on an average of once a week, i keep really busy, and i push aside alllll the memories. But then, i have time alone...and those times killl me! I cant handle being alone. The depression kicks in....And when reality kicks in, theres that sharp pain in my heart. I sometimes drink alot just to be ok....and when i break down at work, i go to the bathroom, deal with it and go back to being a smiling hostess again... Im so alone sometimes...coz im alone without my love:( how could life have changed so dramatically???? I even met someone...a fellow south african...who has made me see hope but at the same time made me miss my zubeir when he does things that arent zubeir. Zubeir treated me like a queen and i cant CANNOT, believe that he is not with me anymore:( And here i am ....trying to move on...now 8 months later....
  8. Thank you Carol Anne! Blessings to you and us all who are on here too
  9. I can hardly even remember the first 2 months of my grief and Im sure it must be the same for you... I found this site after the 3rd week...gosh, time flies... all i know is that it does...and now Im counting months since his death, instead of anniversaries:( I too cant listen to music...i have a CD of "safe songs" which i play in my car... The ipod i got as a farewell gift from work a few weeks ago...dont think I'll be able to use it much anytime soon...especially since watching videos was so painful. Also i heard our song at a restaurant recently, and I had to walk out as I burst into tears... A friend suggested that I make a cd with all our songs and listen to them before it catches me unawares?
  10. Hugs Carol Anne and thank u for that... I got told this week to get the #$#% over it... Needless to say, i have cut that cruel family member out of my life...such is this time in our lives hey? We will find out who true friends are and who has patience, love and understanding for us...
  11. I think the hardest think is understanding that they have gone... I guess the pain is never gone, its just that we have to learn to cope with it...and thats what you're doind Cheryl... Lots of hugs and best wishes on this part of ur journey
  12. Im sitting with my laptop and syncing my music, videos etc with my itunes. Little did i know, i was going to come across all the digital videos we've saved over the years. I looked through the one where he was singing me Karaoke - Lady in Red:( ...that was torture and painful enough. Then i looked at one where we on holiday in Cape Town, only six months into our relationship. If i look at that and what we were 3 years later (when he died), nothing had changed. He still loved me SO MUCH!! In the video, hes pointing the camera at me and saying "this is my pops" "this is my babaloosh" (names that he called me), and then kissed me.... it was absolute pain watching this!! my heart is broken everyday and today its broken as if it was the first week. I STILL cant believe hes gone. How could he be. He was just here!! almost 4 months have passed and I still feel like i can bring him back! Come back Zubeir:(:(
  13. thanks all.... Its true Cheryl, that even though im in the depth of my despair, it is part of the healing process While i feel horrible since visiting his grave, which was the biggest realisation that he is not coming back:( , I know that I did it, and even though im feeling so helpless and lost and empty now, it cannot get any worse than this...or so I hope... I know he wouldve loved how we honoured him on his birthday...
  14. How do you go on living knowing that you will never again — not ever, ever, ever — see the person you have loved?” Julian wonders. “How do you survive a single hour, a single minute, a single second of that knowledge?‘” Thats exactly how I feel. And to be honest, I may be alive/surviving, but Im not living....
×
×
  • Create New...