Tiff

I'm angry all the time now, it's become a permanent part of my nature! People annoy the hell out of me especially those who don't understand, or every time I hear I know what you’re going through. My idiot friends talking about how they lost a grandparent who lived in another state whom they never knew... Hello it's not the same as loosing the woman who was my grandmother, mother, bestfriend, sister, most important person in my world. This was like the loss of a parent and s*** I already lost her daughter (my birth mother) 8yrs prior in 2002. I lost the only two people in the world who gave me unconditional love. I come from a long line of hard asses, we are go getters, strait shooters, success stories, but we are all assholes!!!!!!! We can all be very insensitive, overly critical, and overbearing! I lost the only sane woman in my world! So yes I'm angry!!!!!! angry all the time!!!!!!

I totally here you there, when you say you hate who you have become. I do not feel week or like an idiot or anything, but I have become this heavy person, and it gets old to the people who care about you. I miss my grandmother more than anything and I would do anything to have her back! Anything! She allowed me and my grandfather to have a common ground of love, and now that she’s gone we have a common ground of hate, frustration, hostility, guilt, anxiety, depression, etc…. I hate the person I have become. Shortly after her death I got wasted one night took a slipping pill and a few xanex, aspirated and went into renal failure because no one found me for two days and I didn’t wake up. I almost died myself, that’s embarrassing because at first it was thought that I OD’ed to kill myself, and that I took ton’s of pills and drank lots. But that wasn’t the case after much research, as I didn’t remember much except the fight I got in with grandpa earlier that day. I have gained 30+ lbs, I used to run 4 times a week, and now I can barely walk because of shin splints, but I still exercise, I am still fat! I do not want to date, or go out socially because of it, if I have had sex it’s been because I was really really drunk and then felt bad about it the next day. I’m normally a very sexual person, and not so much I’m ashamed of anything I have done sexually since her death. I hate what I have become, I do not talk to anyone anymore, I talk to my grandpa and most of the time we fight. I’m losing touch with the real world to be honest, and I know it’s happening and can’t seem to stop it. I’m not an addict or alcoholic but I sure have abuse alcohol and I have since she died, and have done many a things I wish I could take back. I’m lost without her, so lost! My parents hate my grandpa (I’m adopted by my aunt and uncle and my grandparents are my birth mothers parents). I have to split holidays go with grandparents one day parents the next. I spend every damn holiday alone completely this year, because I got in such a massive fight with my grandpa I knew I did not want to go out and ruin other peoples days. I knew I was not emotionally stable enough to be around others so I stayed in. I flew across states to be home with my prick grandpa while he went to a friends house where I told him I wouldn’t go. If I was not so moody and set off so easily, it would not be an issue, so hear me when I say I am accountable for my present position. But But But………………………….. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I have nightmares constantly and I can’t stand it!!! I’m so sick of having dreams crazy, vivid, scary, or PTSD style… I am sick of waking up with palpitations, and erratic breathing… I feel like it has been a good little while since it was constant, but that is because I got some good old xanex to knock my butt out at bedtime. I hate that I need a clutch but man, I need it. In addition, I am having dreams that this whole thing was a joke and that my grandma really is alive, and then I spend the dream trying to protect her to make sure she does not die again. However, I have also had horrid dreams where people are trying to murder my grandparents or take them for all they have, and I try to protect them. Background lost my grandma in June 2010, my grandma was like my mother and the person in the world I loved most, and the only person who always showed me unconditional love. My grandfather and I were left, my birth mother died in 2002. Grandpa is legally blind, so lucky for him he did not have to see the horrors I saw in the hospital. Where my grandmother was taken off pain meds in order to wake her up to pull the ventilator so she could breathe on her own. I saw my grandmothers mouth and face, eyes, covered in blood and scabs, I saw her muscles clench in pain over and over again. I saw them contract without her control in a manner that I know from experience is painful. I held her when she suffocated and her heart stopped beating. I watched her lucid for a moment and crying from what I later realized was because she couldn’t hear any of us because he hearing aid batteries were out, and the doctors at the hospital took them out, and she’s as good as deaf without them. So my grandma probably could have made decisions, but since she wasn’t allotted her right to hear she had no idea what was going on. She must have felt so alone and so helpless. My darling grandmother! I am a fuckin wreck, I work mental health, and I am currently taking time off, until they can accommodate a schedule that allows me to go to grad school, care for my grandfather, and care for myself. I miss my patients but I sure don’t miss the constant borage of drama and stress.. I used to thrive of stress it actually made me perform better, but it peaked, and I started to go downhill. I am going to write another post about my grandfather and I being at each other’s throats, but that is currently my biggest stressor.