Lostdaughter

Thanks pjm. Good to know I am not the only one with these sorts of thoughts running through my head. I, too, live in AZ. I am sorry for the loss of your partner of 22 years. That must be very hard. As to the guy who never responded...no, he'll be well-attended to by his family at that moment. Maybe in the next life he won't though... I guess I cannot think about it being so cold, even though it really is. I just feel sorry for my dad being all alone in that cold place. I am not particularly religious. About the only thing I hope for is that he is living on in a different plane and happy and at peace.

Oh, and then to add to things, I rec'd a sympathy card today from a person I'd known for 10 years and was so cruel to me during my dad's death. Months later. I just don't get it...

My dad died in MN. This is their first blizzard. His funeral was September 1 on a beautiful day. I could deal with him being buried under these conditions. But now I just don't even want to think of how cold it must be for him. I know this sounds crazy. Then I was cleaning out my cupboards and found 15 cans of Sprite - the favorite soda of the guy I wanted to marry - the one I am still not over who never even acknowledged my email when I told him my dad was close to death. There is so much pain in life. LD

Thanks, Grace. I hope you are feeling better, or at least as well as can be expected or hoped at this point in time. I, myself, knowing I blocked this person am doing much better. Still, even last night, when talking to my best friend of 35 years - the issue came up. Her mom died at 67 and my dad at 95 and therefore....what she doesn't realize is that she had her mom for five years less than I had my dad! Yes, I was born late in his life. It is NOT a competition. Each of us only has one biological parent (for some of this it's good, for some of us it's not so good, unfortunately). Anyway, this guy has my address and I will not hold my breath. I WILL be grateful I have the empathy I do, to relate to you and others. Ok, sort of tired here. Sleeping patterns very erratic. Signing off for now... LD

Long story short, those who "don't get it" are not going to get it. It's been three months since dad's funeral on September 1st and I continue to receive hate-filled emails from a former "friend" who I regarded as a surrogate father. I won't get into the details, other than to say he says "we all have losses" and has just diminished mine completely. I sent him an email this morning telling him that I have blocked his email address and if he ever wants to apologize for being such a jerk someday, he has my address. I kept thinking he "might get it" for three months now to no avail. This is a person I had to TALK OUT OF sending hateful letters to both his wife and her family members when his wife's father was on his deathbed due to a stroke. My friend's regret is that he didn't get to tell this man how much he despised him before he died (again, based on my recommendation to not do so). Some people kick you when you are down and I am glad I am not that kind of person. Only weaklings do that. My reason for writing is both to vent and also to encourage those who do not feel the love and support from friends and family to realize maybe they are incapable of being there, for whatever reason. Sometimes hearing nothing is better than hearing what I've heard. Find people who will understand and not diminish your experience. Take it as a learning experience when those you thought you could count on don't come through for you. At times, silence really is golden. LD

Absolutely they have helped me and, in my case, they are essential. Last year I went through sort of a mini-breakdown. The man I loved, well, it turns out he was only deceptive and a womanizer. I wanted to marry him so you can imagine what a disappointment this was. Due to his making me feel slow and stupid, I stopped all of the medication I'd been taking (for diagnosed psych issues) and just crashed and burned. I went through three weeks of detoxing (from what I was supposed to have been taking) and felt horrible. This year when my dad went into hospice, I really needed something in advance of his impending death. I had one Dr. who refused me two Klonopin (one for the plane ride and one for the funeral). The good news is my regular MD came through for me. Right now due to so many stressors I take an anti-anxiety med, along with other drugs. For this reason, I am a big proponent of medication at least for a few months until things get more stablized. I know one is not supposed to self-medicate through grief, but this really is a matter between Dr. and patient. If you think it will help you, please talk to your Dr. Good luck and Best Wishes. LD

Well, bless your heart. I am thinking you give more credit to these people than I do. There is a side to people we often don't know, until we lose someone then we see it. And for reasons I won't get into here, things have changed with people and this country. Once in a while I am surprised when someone does a really kind thing for someone, but my expectation is that unless I have the money to pay someone, to expect nothing at all. Of course, forums like this and people like you are the exception, but I belong to other forums and you would not believe what I come across. I am starting to think most people are basically just self-centered and self-absorbed who have no interest or feigned interest or interest "as long as it's not too hard" in their fellow compadres. It is so sad what happened with your "friend" and I imagine that made your Thanksgiving not a good day at all. I can tell you my "friend's" cold and cruel comments sure did not make my day a good one. And it is different when one has invested years in knowing someone - in your case 20 and in my case 10. I really do not bring up this topic out there in the real world and even less so now. At first I thought people would actually HELP me deal with this, but now I am realizing they often make it harder. So I am just keeping to myself and talking about the weather to others and that is pretty much it. Yeah, it's safe to process these feelings here and, like you, I see a counselor to discuss these things and others. Oh, and to add, I don't even talk to my mother or anyone in my family about my dad. It's a lonely place to be. In fact, half the time she sounds irritated when I call her, so I am even shutting more down. Oh well.

Feeling horrible today. Forced myself to go to a breakfast meetup with nice people I'd never met, all went well, I stopped off at a couple of thrift stores on the way home, and then just cried all the way home. It wasn't anything anyone said or did, except maybe my friend asking me when I was going to quit "whining" about my dad the other day. He calls me to tell me he didn't mean the horrible things he said as he was under the influence when he said them, then tells me he is not at that point, then asks me how much longer I plan to whine over things. First, if he had ever said a proper I'm sorry or asked about my Mom or the funeral or sent a card all of this would be a non-issue. My GF of 35 years also said some horrible things to me yet she DID come to the funeral and I never bring up my Dad to her. In fact, I never really talk about it at all. I read Grace's post in my other thread where her friend dissed her on Thanksgiving and that Grace said she was done with her. I am sorry that happened Grace and agree it's time to be done. But then I reflected on all the problems I've had with people and how things have ended with so many people since Dad went into hospice and it just makes me wonder. Is it me? Is it them? Is it both? Why when we need people to be the most compassionate and helpful to they turn out to be the biggest disappointments who just end up making us feel worse? I have an acquaintance who called me a couple of days ago. She wanted me to call her back. Truth is, I didn't feel like talking on the phone with her for many reasons (guess I've been withdrawing in general) so I dropped her an email asking her to do me the favor and drop me a note as to how her trip was to see her son, her job situation, her husband, etc. I explained I didn't feel like talking to anyone on the phone and that I'm dealing with some tough situations on my end but that I'd love to hear about her life. Do you think she emailed me back? Nope. Anyway, this is a post asking these questions and a post just venting too. What are others experiences and how do you cope? Me? I am going to go take a nap and try to sleep now. LD

Thanks, Elb! My favorite quotation in life is from Krishnamurti: It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. I think of this often and realize that *I* am not the crazy one for being upset over certain things rather others are just really insensitive at times. I think all of us who post here are probably very sensitive souls and that is why we carry our loved ones in our heart and it hurts so much. I do hope you are able to enjoy this holiday more this year and that I am too!

Elb, I am really glad you feel this way. You are not weird or crazy. This society is. I did a bit of preliminary research and discovered that societies with more individualistic bents (such as ours) expect us to "pull ourselves up by the bootstraps" and get over it. This is also the case in Britain and Germany, where isolation is actually admired in Germany. Seems odd to me. My guess is that in the Oriental and other cultures this isn't the case. I know the Jewish faith has what is known as Shiva and I think it's a week long observance of grief - not just a one or two hour service. One thing I did forget to mention, and I am still fuming, is that in addition to what my friend more calmly said, he also said not to expect "us" (meaning those who have to "contend" with the griever) to build a funeral pyre and pave the road for Kathy's grief (that would be me). What a moron. I sent him another email and told him that I never want to talk to him again, that I am still astounded by his cruelty, and that he will NEVER get the chance to use language like my effing dad or my effing Dad's funeral. Of course, he used the real word, which I cannot say here. I told him he was something else I cannot say here and that no amount of wine or pills does that to a DECENT person. And I believe it. It's tough enough to grieve and I guess maybe it's a blessing in disguise when some people are silent. Because maybe some people think the way this person does and it just brings pain to a new level, and especially considering I already deal with clinical depression and have no plans for tomorrow. I wish we could all have a big HOTV Thanksgiving get-together (for those of us who could use it or are alone), but not possible. I thought about volunteering but just am afraid I'd start to cry and I don't need that. And now, I have to go do all this paperwork to deal with my Dad's IRA. I would much rather have my Dad still here (that is to say healthy) than have to deal with his IRA. Yes, it's nice he is leaving a bit of money to us kids, but at what cost. I just don't want to do this but my mother is on me constantly about getting this done and I can't put it off any longer. And I know sometimes I write long posts, but today is a crying day and I'm trying to put off having to leave the house. Take care.

Elb, I am so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this sort of stuff for eight years. I guess people (some people) just don't understand or want to be bothered or really believe we should just be over it pronto. I think this might be a cultural (American) or western world sort of thing. I think I'll research other cultures and report back. Here is how it was explained to me (by same person who said cruel words but then calmed down) in a subsequent voicemail. "We care and we don't care. We've all had losses and have to deal with them ourselves. No one can really know what it feels like to another person, so don't make us feel bad or guilty for not wanting to hear about it/talk about it/ etc" Ok, this is a paraphrasing and some actual verbiage, but you get the idea. It's a very each man for himself way of looking at life, but maybe men are just that way. I know there are a couple of men on this forum who display great sensitivity so I don't want to insult men, but maybe women just have a harder time getting over losses. I don't know. Thanks for your perspective.

It's fine not to observe holidays. A lot of people are alone, believe it or not. Some of us say we have other plans, so as not to feel stupid that we don't have other plans (not saying this has been your case, but has mine). Your loss is so recent. Why not do something non-traditional like order a pizza and watch movies, or go for a drive or nice long walk? Our country fixates too much on holidays, anyway.

Niamh and hello123 and everyone who has responded. I am still reeling from those comments last night and sent him an email (which he will not get for days) that just as ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law, his substance abuse is no excuse for his cruelty. For some reason he seems to think it's ok and he can just say sorry he was under the influence. Well, no more. While he is ok when he only drinks, he turns into a monster when he adds the Soma. Yes, he has addictions but won't get any sort of help so be it. Sad thing is he probably will not remember saying it but I will never forget. Yes, the world doesn't want us "dampening the mood," to be sure. I have so many real issues right now to deal with (no job, no friends where I live, money issues, medical issues) that I just want to break down and cry or crawl into bed. I know it's safe to "talk" in this forum and I know we've all had our moments of incredible sadness, pain, loneliness, frustration, loss, etc. Anyway, I am not alone as long as I can come here, but there are days I just don't want to go on and today feels like one of those days. Who can be trusted is my question? I am getting the answer from you all that it is *ourselves* only. What a sad realization. Then I look at my two baby doll Shih Tzus and my kitty and I know I can trust them. They'll always love me even if they're not much at conversation. Well, I am going to bed and today can just take care of itself. Thanks for everyone's support and I will try my best to get those horrible words out of my head.

Ok, so this man I've known for 10 years, who I thought of as the father I never had, just told me that no one gives an eff about me or my father and will I get that into my effing head. I just don't even know what to say here, but I did hang up on him and turned off my phone. I mean, this is worse than being ignored or what have you. I told him I was incredibly hurt that he had not asked one question about my Dad's funeral, how my Mom was doing, or how I was doing and this is the response I got. And I wonder at times why I just want to kill myself. I am obviously a VERY POOR judge of character. That is all. He says to me, "oh will you just get off that? No one cares." It's not about you or your father. The world does not revolve around you. And not ONE time has he EVER asked me about my Dad's funeral. Just incredible. I guess I'm speechless.

Wow, I just told this person what I told all of you here. I had to. And if this isn't bad enough, he had a person come to his doorstep begging for any work. BTW, my friend is under the influence of alcohol and pills. It didn't sound friendly. He told this poor person that he had no work and then hung up on me. I called him back to tell him that was not ok to hang up on me and then told him we spent more time talking about his hatred for his FIL's death and that he had never ONCE asked me about my dad's funeral. So...where to go from here...this country is in sad shape, but I digress. The guy is question gets a gov't pension and healthcare for life. I asked him if he didn't have any bushes that needed to be trimmed and his says he does his own bushes. My God, what have we come to? I am going to keep to myself even more than ever now.

I can identify loulou. In fact, I just spoke with a person who wasn't there for me when my dad died and he had the audacity to bring up his father in law's death (and for the reason of not being able to tell this FIL how much he despised him when alive!) Of course, not one question was asked of me as to how I am handling my dad's death. Nothing was said. So I said nothing. I am tired of expecting people to at least ASK once in a blue moon, "so how are you feeling these days?" And this is a guy I've known for TEN years and who just hated his FIL. We spent more time talking about how to deal with his feelings of hatred for his dead FIL and my Dad wasn't mentioned once. I give up. Not even a "how is your Mom doing?" Yet I took the time to ask him about how his MIL is doing. I just don't get it. And it makes me feel so alone. So incredibly alone. I just want to wall myself off from the world and SLEEP. I have dreams where I have people who care and then I wake up and realize no one does. And my own mother had no time to talk to me on the phone today, and I didn't even want to talk about anything of substance - just to talk. Oh well, feeling pretty sad right now but there is work to be done. I have a contractor coming in a couple of hours to talk about finishing off my house with laminate so I can sell - and I have no idea where I'd even go. There is a part of me that knows I must get my affairs in order. There is a part of me that SURE HOPES I see some hope. And it's not all just about Dad even in general, rather the callousness I see in others who can't be troubled to even give a damn about how I feel in light of my loss. Ah well, we do live in a "get over it" society and just go watch "Dancing with the stars."

Oh, and mind you, these are all people I met at a "support group." Then there was this other guy. I asked him if he would like to make some extra money helping rip up carpet. He said no, he was too busy, but that he had a friend who could use the money. He was very pushy about this friend (on disability for mental health reasons) and went on and on how I could trust him with the key to my house, etc. I wouldn't even give my neighbor the key to my house! Plus, I'd already made a deal and a set price with this handyman to do the job and couldn't afford to pay more. Plus, the guy in my group even told the guy to ask me for more money than what the guy charges! So I did offer his friend the courtesy of explaining that I'd have to go with the set price and do you think the first guy (from the "support" group) even spoke to me again even after I left him a message? I don't know. I am just tired of disappointment.

niamh, I guess negativity is the wrong word. But I still think everyone wants to hear the word fine when asked how someone is doing. I got a phone call following my dad's death (this woman and I had gone to lunch once and she gave me a card). The whole time we talked about her daughter and I was happy to do that, to get my mind off stuff. So I called her a couple weeks later and asked her if she wanted to get together for lunch and her daughter was visiting from out of town so we ended the conversation quickly, which was fine. Out of the blue, 9 days later she calls to tell me she doesn't want to get together for lunch (no reason why or when) but that we'll talk. I never called her back as it just struck me as such an odd call. Mind you, I hadn't proposed any specific day so I was just like "Ok, whatever. Cross her off my list" Sounds to me like you have more patience with people than I do these days. I just won't deal with it. If someone blows me off one time that is it. And I let them even know it, sometimes. The woman who suggested coffee this weekend didn't even have the courtesy to cancel, so she's off my list too. Maybe I expect too much, but it just hurts too much these days to be blown off. I guess I'd rather be alone so I cannot be further disappointed or hurt.

Thanks. I guess I just have to accept the fact that the world really doesn't want to hear negativity in any shape. "Fine" is the appropriate answer to most everything. I'm not quite sure why it's set up this way, but it is. I, OTOH, am always happy to hear "real" stuff and try my best to help. I guess I do find that projects help a lot. I've been spending a few days on ripping up carpet, padding, tack strip and nails. It's tough work, but it does divert my attention. I volunteer at a couple places and maybe I'll see about volunteering this Thursday, or maybe I'll just paint the kitchen. I wish I knew how to do more stuff and I wish I were a guy and I'd probably live at Home Depot. I do find relief in sleep too. I feel sorry for people who have a tough time sleeping but I have no aversion to taking pills for it as it is the only thing that really helps. Well, I'd best start sweeping and pulling up nails.

Yeah, me too. Except my problem is I am about ready to call people on this stuff. To me this is complete BS. DON'T pretend like you care when you don't! See, this is how I get myself in trouble and just alienate myself. I do not suffer this type of BS lightly. In fact, if I don't hear from this woman by TONIGHT I DO plan to write her a mail and let her know what I think. Maybe it's just my path. I don't know. But I am really sick of false friends and lies.

I'm tired of hearing the same things - they don't know what to say, they have their own lives, they are busy, they are uncomfortable, etc, etc. Now some of this may be true, but I think the bottom line is they just don't want to be bothered with icky, sticky, grief, sadness, pain, loss, etc. What really irks me (among many things) is a woman who asked me to have coffee this weekend. So I called her and said great. Well, Sat night and no return call. She lost her sister last November so I know she gets this. Oh well, I certainly don't plan to call her again. In fact, I just keep withdrawing more and more. It seems so much safer to just be on the Internet and do projects at home or worry about the future than to even make the effort. How long will this last? I'm spending the holidays alone and that will be the danger zone for me. My therapist even went so far as to suggest an inpatient psych ward for me. Well, I have three pets and crappy insurance and don't want it held against me by future insurers. I spent a couple of hours just laying on the sofa today and then finally did something productive. I think my last shower was last Saturday and I just don't even care. I don't see anyone anyway except for an occasional clerk at the store.

Thanks so much Jodi. My mother wasn't even aware of it! She was left out of it completely! And her mind is sharp as a tack. The only hope I see if that she will write something up herself that supercedes what my Dad did, but I am not banking on it. No, I think my brothers have treated me like a second class citizen my entire life and I realized that when I got my MBA (as did they) and had a good job it still didn't matter. I was *never* going to be respected or valued. It is no wonder I am single. I've been treated like crap by men my entire life. From a father who stopped liking me when I hit puberty (and I'll always have questions I will always wonder about and won't say them here), from a father who once told me not to "get all excited" when I had a date and basically gave me the message it wouldn't go well anyway, from a father who just sat and watched TV when I was crying and just wanted him to acknowledge me, to two brothers who have always looked down on me, to a guy who sexually assaulted me at my very own going away party, to a guy who ruined me in my last good job by making horrible comments in front of my boss implying I was an IV drug user and crazy and that I'd take off all my clothes given a couple of drinks (and this was on a business trip with me and six men where I was trapped with him for 24 hours), to an abuser who did not even acknowledge my father's death when I told him. And it's not that I hate men, but I sure don't trust them. Oh well, just venting and have to get some of this out before I go mad. Oh, and now I think I'll force myself to take a shower. I see my therapist today and have to go get some prescriptions and go pay my mega insurance premium. Thanks for writing.

Oh, and just to provide some context. I am 51, no significant other, no job, no kids, monthly insurance premiums that are going to drain my bank account, my resume has been ruined, I deal with severe depression independent of all of this and just don't see anything to look forward to. My Dr. has given me some powerful drugs and I've been messing up on taking them. I know I need to fill the pill box and so I remember. While I still have my physical health (knock on wood and I hope), my mental health has always been a nightmare. Right now I just don't want to be here. I called the crisis line sobbing the other day and was pretty much told that I have no way to fight anything as there are two of them and it makes it rock solid. So I have visions of ending up homeless and I will end it all before that happens, as I know I could not survive on the streets. What a mess and sorry for the length of all of this.

I just need to type this out. I didn't imagine my brain would be going where it is, but it is. Woke up at 3 a.m. last night and checked my email to find three replies to my emails from my brother. I could not even read them as I didn't want to upset myself more and I wanted to be able to get back to sleep. Without sleeping pills, I just don't think I'd be functioning at all. So, in my craziness, I wrote him back telling him where I was coming from and that I would not be reading his emails as I wanted to sleep. I just don't know how I am going to deal with things going forward. Swear to God, if there were a way to completely divorce myself from my family I would, but there is still Mom and I can't do it. I did tell him that I am concerned that hard feelings will get in the way when it comes Mom's time to pass on, even though I know I am projecting far into the future (I hope). The fundamental question or bottom line is that I love her more than I despise both of my brothers right now. I also told him I am not even sure Dad knew what he was signing when he gave them complete control to give zero or something to anyone someday. I am trying to be respectful and rational but I just want to give up at this point. I don't think I can outlive my mother and that will kill her. Each time I "get better" something bad happens and I am just getting more paralyzed by the day. It's like "sure to the handyman, fine if you don't come over today to finish my house (which I cannot sell until he finishes it). To say I am depressed is an understatement. I've gone from missing my Dad to questioning if he ever loved me to questioning why he didn't trust me or my sister to wondering if he was of sound mind to just not wanting to deal with any of it at all. The lawyer who drafted the amendment will not respond to my emails or calls (I just wanted to understand things) as I imagine it's a conflict of interests as my brothers are his clients and I am not. I know darn well (or pretty sure) it wasn't my Dad's idea to set up the appt to go to amend the trust so it must have been my brothers and this was back in 2001! Remember how we thought Reagan was ok there (with his Alzheimer's) but then learned he was not? My Dad always used to pretend he got things but I know he did not! Anyway, I sent my Mom a copy of the amendment and I know my brothers will just give her some BS story that all is well and will be done right and who can blame her for believing them? They take her to the Dr, shop for food for her and I live 1800 miles away! At any rate, I feel like I am just losing the will to get ANYTHING done and yet don't know what to do. I see a therapist and, yeah, she pretty much agrees that my interpretation of things is correct. I also have a friend who fought his brother for NINE years over his father's death and ended up in ten rehabs and finally gave up when $100K was stolen from him. Stuff happens and I sure do not have the will to even take a shower let alone fight a battle like this. Ok, now for the strange thoughts. Just thinking about moving to OR as they have that assisted suicide law and I just don't think I am going to be around much longer.

I'm so sorry. When my dad went into hospice I just lost it. I am no medical professional, but I was told by hospice and by reading that it's actually more comfortable to not eat or drink for a dying person. I don't know why, but the nurse assured me this was the case. I know this probably doesn't give you any comfort at all, but I just thought I would share it. Sorry again.