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butterfly82

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Everything posted by butterfly82

  1. Ron, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful message. I am truly sorry to hear of your loss as well. I admire your strength and your ability to grow and evolve from this experience. It gives me hope that I will someday as well. Before now, I haven't been dealing with the loss of my sister very well at all. I used to be a very social person but now I find myself wanting to spend my time alone. I avoid my friends and family and I avoid situations that I will feel obligated to appear happy and normal in because I know I can't always hide this saddness. I've gained weight, have very little energy, and bounce between sleeping way too much or not at all. I am often moody which is very unlike me...I do not like this person I have become at all...it's not me, and I'm afraid I'll never be me again. There are tons of people around me and I can't seem to bring myself to talk to any of them about how I feel, about how completely devastated I am inside. I guess I've been stuck in my grief since I haven't allowed myself to open the flood gates because I knew I had to get through this program...but now I don't know where to start. My family members are all in a different place than me. I don't have many girl friends that I'm close with, my sister was the one person I would ever confide in....now that she's gone, I feel utterly lost. I did try a bereavement group but it was for grieving parents, it wasn't a good fit for me. I looked for a group for grieving adult siblings, however there's nothing available where I live. I don't have the monetary means to seek couselling right now but I am hoping that writing here will help me to, as you said, express my grief in a more healthy way. I know I can't keep going on like I have been. I borrowed a book called "When Things Fall Apart" from a mental health nurse that I know; I'm going to read it after I'm done my final exam. I hope it helps because I really need to find some respite from this. Lindakay, thanks for your advice as well. As I was in an accelerated nursing program, we weren't assigned the book that you mentioned but I will definitely look for it as you are certainly correct that I will have to incorporate this experience into my new profession. I will be confronted with death and dying quite often, and I would be honoured to be able to assist my patients and their families in dealing with the same.
  2. My younger sister died suddenly in February of 2010. My mom and step dad found her on her kitchen floor. I am a nursing student so my mom, who was hysterical at the time, called me and I came right away...but it was much too late, my sister had been there all night and could not be resuscitated. We are still waiting for the autopsy report (for over 7 months now) but we are fairly certain she died of an accidental drug overdose of percocet. This was devastating for my whole family, and it was devastating for me. My parents divorced when my sister and I were quite young so my sister was the one person who was always there with me. Whether we were at my dad's, my mom's, my grandmother's, or where ever, we were always together growing up....she was the one family member who I spent the majority of my life with and we were very close. Unfortunatley when my sister passed away, I was in the middle of taking a very intense 25 month nursing program. I was already really struggling financially so I could not afford to take any time off to deal with my grief...I had one week to help my parents plan her funeral and clean out her apartment, and then I had to return to school. It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from and the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and am still going through. I am finally approaching the end of my school program now and want to take some time for myself so I can deal with this repressed grief. I still feel such disbelief about the whole thing. I miss her so much and think about her every day. I try to talk about her and about what happened to her....I think that helps me to deal with the reality that she is gone, as well as to keep her memory alive. But I am really struggling, I just can't imagine a world that I can really feel okay with this....how do you ever find peace in a nightmare like this?
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