Ron, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful message. I am truly sorry to hear of your loss as well. I admire your strength and your ability to grow and evolve from this experience. It gives me hope that I will someday as well.
Before now, I haven't been dealing with the loss of my sister very well at all. I used to be a very social person but now I find myself wanting to spend my time alone. I avoid my friends and family and I avoid situations that I will feel obligated to appear happy and normal in because I know I can't always hide this saddness. I've gained weight, have very little energy, and bounce between sleeping way too much or not at all. I am often moody which is very unlike me...I do not like this person I have become at all...it's not me, and I'm afraid I'll never be me again. There are tons of people around me and I can't seem to bring myself to talk to any of them about how I feel, about how completely devastated I am inside.
I guess I've been stuck in my grief since I haven't allowed myself to open the flood gates because I knew I had to get through this program...but now I don't know where to start. My family members are all in a different place than me. I don't have many girl friends that I'm close with, my sister was the one person I would ever confide in....now that she's gone, I feel utterly lost. I did try a bereavement group but it was for grieving parents, it wasn't a good fit for me. I looked for a group for grieving adult siblings, however there's nothing available where I live. I don't have the monetary means to seek couselling right now but I am hoping that writing here will help me to, as you said, express my grief in a more healthy way. I know I can't keep going on like I have been. I borrowed a book called "When Things Fall Apart" from a mental health nurse that I know; I'm going to read it after I'm done my final exam. I hope it helps because I really need to find some respite from this.
Lindakay, thanks for your advice as well. As I was in an accelerated nursing program, we weren't assigned the book that you mentioned but I will definitely look for it as you are certainly correct that I will have to incorporate this experience into my new profession. I will be confronted with death and dying quite often, and I would be honoured to be able to assist my patients and their families in dealing with the same.