Perkins808

"Grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It's the price we pay for love." On the days that I'm struggling the most, I think of this quote and remember that I gladly pay this price.....to have known the love that I had with Jeff. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Everyone, So I've been gone for a bit....a little overwhelmed with life. Shortly after the one year anniversary of my husband's death, my Mom ended up in the hospital in intensive care. She came home for a week and then returned, and while she was in the second time suffered a massive heart attack. She is still in icu, they are now struggling to regulate her blood pressure. I've never seen a b/p reading of 47/12 until yesterday...but have learned that as quickly as hers can drop, it can also rise to dangerous highs. Not sure when they are going to get this regulated, or if....but I say prayers daily that they'll be able to figure something out. Meanwhile I also struggle to take care of my father who is an insulin dependent diabetic who has completely given up on taking care of himself since Mom was hospitalized. I read too late that Wayne was in the hospital again....how ironic that I could have popped in since Mom is in the same hospital. I hope everything is better with you Wayne. I also apologize to you Harry, your email sat unread for a while. I hope you are keeping yourself going strong. Mary, thank you for your kind words….I was touched that you were thinking of me. I have to say that after not being on this site for a few weeks, it is so sad to see so many new names that I don’t even recognize. Life and death continues….the group that nobody wants to be a part of grows every day. Somehow we make it through…one foot in front of the other. On some days the strides are bigger, on others we go backwards….but somehow we keep going. Hugs to all, Tammy

Glad to hear that things went well Dwayne and that you are on the mend! Hugs, Tammy

I have struggled over the last year to continue a relationship with my two step daughters. Not because we don't get along, but because between their schedules and my girls schedules....it's so hard to get everyone together at the same time. About 3 months after Jeff's death I gave up on planning things for all 5 of us and just decided that if some of us were free, we'd take advantage of that time and catch up with the other later. Well, last night after planning a pizza night with 3 out of the 4 girls we found out that the 4th's work schedule had changed and we would all be able to get together. Jeff and I were so blessed - 4 teenagers and all 4 of them always got along well. We couldn't have wished for a better relationship between them all....and it was evident last night when we got together. Lots of laughter....and it just felt really good to have them all with me again. I could be sad that I don't get to see them often, but instread I am just truly grateful that we were able to find them time and that we all enjoyed ourselves. Hugs, Tammy

I'm so happy for you Cheryl ~ here's to many more days with no tears! Hugs, Tammy

Mary, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know when you aren't feeling well, it's hard to find the strength to deal with all these emotions. I hope you are feeling better soon! Hugs, Tammy

Last night I was reminded once again that you need to have a sense of humor. Last year, two weeks before Jeff died we decided to buy one of those 18 ft Easy Set pools and set it up in the backyard. We got it up and running with the plan that Jeff (who had an above ground pool at his house for 20 years)was the expert, so he would maintain it. Well...it soon became my job. I fought with cloudy water and then slime for a couple of weeks before I finally mastered the right amount of chemicals to prevent both. I had insisted that I was not putting the pool up this year, it was too much work. Well, it's been hot and the kids have bargained their way into me finally relenting. My brother (my go-to guy for everything these days!) was waiting for me in the driveway when I got home from work yesterday, ready to help me set up the pool...anxious to have it up so that his kids could go in it too. We raked out the spot in the yard to put it, we brought over the yard trailer over that had housed the pool since last year, and we started to unroll it. And then a mouse hopped out...and then another. After unrolling a little more, we discovered that those stupid mice had chewed holes through the whole pool!! So....I took a deep breath. Lots of things going through my mind, how Jeff had helped me last year, how much more work everything seemed to be now....and I just started laughing. I had to laugh. Who does this happen to? If I hadn't laughed, I'm sure I would have cried. My brother just stood there, not knowing what to say....poor guy probably thought I had finally lost my marbles. But I kept laughing. Then I told him to get in the car. We were going to buy another pool. So, that's what we did. We went and bought another pool, had it home and set up in an hour and by the time I went to bed last night it was almost full. I am sure my kids will be floating around in it when I get home. So today I am grateful for two things. I am still able to find the humor in things, it's how Jeff and I lived together, and it's how he would want me to live now. The second thing I am grateful for....my brother. He is always there when I need him and I truly appreciate that. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Marc, I too just passed the one year mark. There are still mornings when I wake up and wonder how I will every live without Jeff...and the reality is, I have been doing it for the last year. It's funny how subjective time can be. On some days it seems like our loved one has been gone forever, yet on others it seems like they were here just yesterday. I hope that in the least, your memories bring you some comfort today. "The life given us by nature is short,but the memory of a well-spent life is eternal." Hugs, Tammy

I'm actually in Dighton....but to answer your question, no - fires of that size are not allowed in Dighton. One of the many reasons I invited all my neighbors, so nobody would tell on me!

So I managed to make it through yesterday without a total breakdown. That, I saved for today. Yesterday was very well planned out, not a whole lot of down time by design. I surrounded myself with everyone that has supported me in the last year and at the end of the day when it was time for the bonfire, we had some laughs and shed a few tears. Today was a planned day off for me. Somehow I knew that I would need today to gather my thoughts, to process everything that has happened in the last year, and yes.....two allow myself to wallow for 10 minutes. I am attaching two pictures, the bonfire and the quilt. I hope when everyone else reaches the one year mark, they are able to find the peace that I found on that day. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Harry, I can so relate to where you are. Luckily I was told by my grief counselor the first time I met with her that for a lot of people, between the 6 and 9 month mark things start to get overwhelming again.....because if I had not known this I would have thought there was something wrong with me. How could I start making progress, and then feel like I've done a total backslide? Well, the way I figure it, it's because around this time the numbness that your body so kindly creates to get you through the first few months, well....it wears off and you are really starting to feel all the raw emotions. And as far as allowing yourself to wallow for 10 minutes? Wow, I've said those words myself! I know what everyone else responded is true, that we should allow ourselves so much more than that, but little chunks is all I will allow myself too. Why? Fear. Pretty plain and simple......I come from a family of wallowers. What if I allow myself more than 10 minutes, and then can't pull myself out of it? For me, 10 minutes is manageable. I can pull myself out of 10 minutes of wallowing. Any longer than that, I'm not sure. So yes, we should be kinder to ourselves, we should allow ourselves more, but for me - I can't undo 40 years of who I am to accommodate this grief thing! Your dark moments reminded me of this quote: "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." I just think your inner light needs a little recharge Harry....so allow yourself those 10 minutes and then listen to Jane and keep moving. Hugs, Tammy

Oh how well I can relate to this Becky. It was about 5 months before any of Jeff's family would step foot in my house. I would hear how hard it would be for them, too many reminders, etc. Well, guess what? It was just as hard for me, but I didn't have a choice! Their were reminders of him in every square inch of our house and yard.....but I had to deal with this on a daily basis. It was also hard for me to go to other family members houses.....so many reminders of Jeff there too, but I sucked it up and went because it was the right thing for me to do. Another thing that really took a while to come to grips with - not only did people avoid coming to my house because it held so many memories of Jeff, they often avoided ME because I was a constant reminder that Jeff was gone. Jeff and I did everything together. It was a very rare occasion that people saw one of us without the other, so to see me walk into a room....people always expected to see Jeff close behind. And another thing - don't ever feel like you have to apologize when your posts aren't positive. It's how we deal with things, and everyone here understands that. I try to stay positive for the most part, but it's absolutely impossible to be positive all the time, or even the majority of the time when you are dealing with such grief. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Everyone, So today is the day. One year ago I lost my husband. The day is completely planned - I'll be leaving shortly to have an early dinner with 3 out of our 4 girls and then we'll be coming back to our house. Around 8 we'll be having some friends and family over and we'll be having a big bonfire in the backyard. Jeff's nickname (also his email address) was the camp fire king.....so what better way to honor him? We'll also be providing markers and paper so that people can write down some thoughts for Jeff, and then throw them in the fire.....so that their messages will be carried to him in the smoke of the fire. The emotions are running high today, I've already been to visit Jeff's parents, brought his Mom a great big bunch of flowers just like he would have when he knew she was down. I love his parents and hope that they will be in my life for years to come. The local newspaper also ran the memorial I wrote for Jeff. I had warned his parents ahead of time that it would be in there....I didn't want them caught by surprise. They both loved it, they also appreciated that I didn't post any names as to who it was from....my thoughts? It is from all of us who miss him dearly. Last but not least, I thought I would add this link again- it is a you tube video (a picture collage of Jeff that my daughter did shortly after he died). Unfortunately there are many new people here that weren't when I first posted it. I want everyone to know my Jeff. I will try to sign on tonight or tomorrow morning and let you know how tonight goes. Thank you all for being here for me! Hugs, Tammy

When I got home today I had a voicemail - the quilt that I have been waiting 7 months for is finally finished and ready to be picked up. Not sure if I mentioned it, but about 6 months after Jeff died I finally worked up the nerve to clean out Jeff's dresser and closet. I donated probably 12 bags of clothes to the Salvation Army, but I couldn't part with his t-shirts. He had quite the collection, some reflected his hobbies, some his sense of humor (he loved to wear his Hooters t-shirt to chemo?!) I found the perfect solution, some were saved for me and our 4 girls to wear as nightshirts.....but the majority of them I decided to have made into a quilt. I also had some of my favorite photos of Jeff put on t-shirts so that they could be added to the quilt too. Well, the project ended up turning into 2 quilts - one for me, and one for Jeff's parents. I am fully prepared that these quilts are going to bring on all kinds of emotions, what better weekend to get the quilt back then the one year anniversary of his death. I am hoping to be able to go and pick them up tomorrow, if I can get a picture that does them justice, I will post them. Hugs, Tammy

This weekend coming up will be one year since Jeff died. I find myself thinking back to the days before he died.....trying to relive every moment. The week before he died we traveled to NY to attend a beautiful garden wedding of some dear friends. We were still overwhelmed by the news that the tumor in Jeff's esophagus was gone, that his treatments had been so much more successful than anyone could imagine. Did I dare to hope for a lot more time? I always loved road trips just Jeff and I.....we would drive and talk for hours, holding hands, sneaking in a kiss everyone once in a while. Now, the suit that he wore to the wedding still hangs in a garment bag in the closet.....with the hopes that the smell of Jeff will linger on it forever. About 5 days before Jeff died we learned that Jeff's neighbor of 20 years had passed away from brain cancer. Her husband, coming from a big Greek family was planning a very large gathering of all her friends and family on Sunday. Saturday came and I couldn't stop thinking, and Jeff noticed how quiet I was. We sat out on the front steps and he finally said - "Enough, out with it.....what is going on with you?" I took a deep breath and tried to stop the tears, but they came anyway. I could barely whisper what I was thinking - that we were going to comfort his neighbor whose wife had died. From cancer. How was I going to handle comforting a man who lost his wife to cancer, when my husband was still fighting terminal cancer?? Jeff let out a deep sigh and wrapped his arms tight around me.....he whispered in my ear that the difference between him and his neighbor? He was NOT going anywhere. 8 hours later Jeff went into cardiac arrest and died. We never made it to his neighbors house, and I never got to comfort the neighbor who had lost his wife.....because now I was left grieving myself. I look back on the last year and I can honestly say that I don't remember too much of last summer. The numbness didn't start to wear off until probably October? I remember bits and pieces....sitting on the front steps with my neighbor at 6 in the morning shortly after Jeff died because I hadn't been able to sleep yet again. I don't remember anything we talked about, but I remember thinking that it was really hot for so early in the morning. I've had some anxiety attacks in the last couple of weeks where I feel like I just can't catch my breath. I've heard it all, post traumatic stress, grief trauma....there seems to be a name for everything these days. When did it stop being a plain old broken heart? I know I will get through this. I promised Jeff I would. Some days are easier than others, but I have all the memories of my dear sweet man to get me through this. I was just thinking today......how can you assign a date to a persons death, when they live on in your heart forever? Hugs, Tammy