FRAN

Thank you, Queeniemary! It has helped so much to read the posts. I don't know why reading all these sad stories of loss helps but it does. Knowing that others are making it through this makes me feel a little less alone and hopeful that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. The sudden loss is the hardest but then I think that that is ok, I would not have wanted him to suffer through a long illness. And then selfishly, I think I wish he had so we had time to say all those things I tell him everyday now. See, back and forth. Egad, this is fun....not. And I live in north Phoenix. Ray and I moved here from Seattle after he retired in 2004 and we never looked back. This is our "paradise" and I can honestly say, we have never been more happy and contented. We used to just grin at each other and wonder how in the world we got so lucky. We have always been avid golfers and it was what we always dreamed of doing together. I guess he was lucky to have 6 years of living his dream. And someday, maybe I can say that with sincerity. Take care and have the best day possible.

I can't believe that they still hurt over a year later. The pain sometimes takes my breath away and I keep thinking that it shouldn't be so raw, but it is. I have to talk to myself to make myself realize it's real and that he is never going to be with me again. For some reason I have this feeling inside that it's not happening, I don't expect him to walk through the door or anthing, I intellectually know Ray died, but my heart and soul just aren't with the program. It kind of makes me wonder if I'm okay. It's like I'm waiting for something. Guess this doesn't make much sense. I know what you mean, about forging ahead. Ray made me strong and confident and I know he would want me to go forward and I try every day to do what I know he would want me to do. I think of making it through another day as a way of honoring our love and proving we are still a "team" and leaning on him for the strength I just don't seem to have right now. If the world would just stop for a while and let me curl up into a ball, I would be so grateful. But, no. Now I have to deal with all the paper work and bills and I have to get the car in for an oil change and do laundry and yard work and deal with friends and relatives and so on and so on. It's like you have no choice but to go on living and your daily life changes a little bit every day, and I don't want it to change. I want to keep all the "routine" things just the same and it's not working. What a horrible thing to happen to us all and my heart goes out to you and all the others who are trying so hard to get through this. This is a wonderful way to vent and to know that there are real, everyday people who understand and can reach out and help. By the way, yesterday I filled out my first form where I had to mark the widow box instead of the married box and I just lost it. I still feel so married, I don't know if I was more angry or more sad. What a roller-coaster I'm on.

Thank you everyone!! I am so sorry for all your lost loved ones too. I agree about this being easier than going to a group. I have been thinking about going to one but I just start crying whenever I try to talk about Ray and my pain and confusion and at least I can type (I think) through my tears. I keep waiting to hear the words from someone that will make this all better, but there aren't any. I have a friend who lost her husband and she says that there is no magic words. It will hurt for a long time and it won't be easy and it will be so different. I can't see a future, I can barely think about tomorrow. My friend had children that needed her and that kept her going, but my children are grown and live in other states. When Ray retired we moved to Arizona and we have no family here. I do have wonderful friends. But after a while I feel like they are getting "bored" with my grief and don't understand. So I fake being "ok". Also, I don't want anything to be different!!! I want everything to remain the same. I want the world to just STOP! I had no idea how much we were a team, a couple, whatever. Every little thing was with Ray. It's the little things that are so difficult. Not hearing the spoon in the coffee cup when he put in sugar. The TV on the western channel. Reading "Pickles" in the comic strip everyday. Watching the golf tournaments and now opening of football season. These things are endless and it's like a stab to my heart everytime I remember. I am starting to remember more of the past now, but so many of the memories so far have been about the day of the stroke, the ER and those things. Should I have done this or that, should the Drs., you know, all those things you really did right but wonder "if".... Anyway, thank you all for responding and please know how much I appreciate knowing that there are others who are going on this journey too. I hope this gets better some day, but I'm sure can't see that far ahead. Lindakay, your words struck a particular cord with me, I never thought of writing to him, but I have thought of cooking things he didn't like, if I ever get around to cooking again. I will check back here often, you guys have made my day a little better.

I am new to this. I really don't know if I am doing this right, but I thought maybe it would help if I could find others who are going through this experience. I feel so lost and it feels like nothing is real. I know my Ray is gone but it just feels like that is not possible. He will just appear any minute now. I know that sounds crazy but I can't get over the feeling that it just can't be happening to us. I just go through each day like he is still here, I talk to him all the time and hope I am doing this right. He died suddenly of a massive stroke with no warning, we didn't have time to say goodby or we loved each other, he was talking to me one minute and the next he was gone. I just wondered if anyone else can relate. Thanks for listening to me.